tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27626595627248844972024-02-08T04:28:29.088-08:00Life After Crazy GuyMy goal is to write about my experiences, share what I have learned, and hopefully help someone deal with and free themselves from their narcissist. My secondary goal, is to let out all so much I have held in for years and quietly suffered. I do this as a means to continue to heal.Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-53731886443148009372013-07-20T21:21:00.001-07:002013-07-20T21:22:33.284-07:00The Pathetic CowardNow that I see the narcissist for what he really is... I often find myself saying things like, "what an idiot", "whatever", "dork", "get a life"... it's amazing all the stupidity I was blind to when I was with this man. I see now that I have moved on and in a wonderful relationship, just how petty and jealous this man is.
What has been the most inspirational these last few years, is that I have debunked all the nasty insults he used to throw at me. His favorite was to tell me that 'no man will touch you with a ten foot pole'. I am happy to report that I am in a loving relationship with a man who completely adores me. For the first time in my life, I feel completely loved and cherished- the way love is supposed to feel and be. This irks the narcissist more than anything- to see me in a successful relationship. Why? Because he just cannot stand to see me happy.
Everything to him is kept on a scorecard that only resides in his own mind and only makes sense to the narcissist. The happier I am, the more he ups his game to harass and irritate me. Because misery loves company and he wants me to join in his misery.
I have the kids during the summer and I blessed to be surrounded by loving friends and families. We have a plethora of events and fun activities for them. Even his own kids' happiness makes him miserable. He takes little jabs at me and my friends to try to be a nuisance all summer. It amazes me the number of emails he writes while they are with me.
When they are with me, 3000 miles away, he loses what he prizes most of all- CONTROL. So, for him, his harassing emails and phone calls are just a means to try to get back this control. But I refuse- I refuse to give this buffoon anymore control. He will not have control over my happiness and he will not have control of our summers together.
The kids thrive and so many adventures with their friends and family. Unfortunately, this makes the miserable narcissist turn into the deviant, coward. He turns to his old ways of trying to bait me into fights and to try to weasel himself into every situation.
When I stand back and look at this, I just see a pathetic coward- instead of enjoying his summer with his new bride, he wallows in his misery, scheming to create drama and chaos in our lives.
I have taken away just about every means that he has of ever controlling or hurting me... the only thing left are the kids and even they are not immune to his erratic, nonsense behavior.
Cowards are the ones who can never be happy for someone else's happiness or just to let it go. My ex still stalks me on the internet- he sits at his computer for hours trying to gathered information on my in-laws, my friends, my work, anything he can get his hands on. How sad to be consumed with someone else's life. What a waste of life.
For me, I channel his negativity into writing these blogs to share with others. I use these lessons learned to try to help others understand. Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-45239681801953251242012-12-06T21:39:00.001-08:002012-12-06T21:39:57.037-08:00The Hypocrisy of the NarcissistIt always amazes me how narcissists have such an abundance of energy to tell you how to live your life, as if they are the godsend grand wizard of your life--- the all knowing- know it all. My ex used to act like I gave a shit about his life after I decided to move 3000 miles to get away from him. I found it always laughable at his insinuations that I really cared who he was with, what he was up to. He would try to get on his all mighty high horse as he likes to always do and pontificate his religion of lunacy to me. <br />
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So here comes the hypocrisy- all while I could care less about him, he is stalking me all around the internet. He would go on my then boyfriend's facebook page to scold me on something that he would only know if he went on his facebook page. He would also spend countless hours reading my yelp reviews and act like he had a Aha! moment. Sometimes I would right some witty reviews with some clever quips to throw him for a loop... all the while I was laughing to myself because I knew he was reading them. <br />
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I used to think I needed to hide my identity in writing my blogs, writing my short stories- to keep things hidden from him. That may have been true in the initial stages after I escaped the insanity and chaos, but it's been several years since I moved. So, I don't hide my identity anymore- and why should I... I write the truth, I write from the heart, and I above all else, have a voice- a voice that will share my experiences with this lunatic in the hopes that someone out there will learn and not repeat the same mistakes I did. <br />
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Narcissists are always hypocrites...they live by the rule of "do as I say, not as I do." And let me expound on that notion a little further- they do not have the moral fortitude to be able to measure up to the standards they set forth for everyone else. And all their shortcomings are some how erased with a flimsy excuse that only makes sense to the narcissists-- only to those who reside in their fantasy la-la land. For those of us with our feet firmly on planet earth, their reasoning is quite flawed and quite distant from reality. Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-79279155136608863692012-11-19T00:01:00.000-08:002012-11-19T00:01:04.205-08:00New BeginningsI just got back from a wonderful vacation in my hometown- Los Angeles. The city of Angeles. I love going back to familiar territory. The familiar sounds, the sights, the smells. I especially enjoyed this last trip because I went with my husband. My husband is wonderful- always encouraging me to go out, have fun, meet friends... all things I cherish. If you have never been in a relationship with a narcissist you take these things for granted. <br />
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When I was with my narcissist, he first started making superficial, vain excuses to not meet with my friends. At first glance you don't think much of it and rather liken it to an off day that your partner is having. As the years pass, you realize they aren't excuses. They are means of keeping you from your past life. <br />
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The entire time I was married to this miserable person, I only had one thanksgiving with one of my close friends. All other holidays, vacations were not shared with any of my friends. And there in lies, the start of distancing you from your friends, your past- losing more ties to people who can help you when they unleash their destruction on your life. <br />
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What I deemed as an innocence from the beginning, could not be further from the truth. No excuse had any validity as to why I could not see my friends. When I made new friends, he would find ways to keep me from them. If I wanted to go out for coffee with a girlfriend, I was being selfish not spending time with my family. My narcissist would equate me having friends as me being selfish and only caring for myself. After a few years, the arguments, the attempts as reasoning with insanity, was too much. I lacked the energy to argue my case.<br />
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And then without fail, the narcissist would tell me how much of a loser I am for not having any friends. I could never win with this person. <br />
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When I left my narcissist, and moved 3000 miles to get away from him, I reconnected with some dear friends. True friends are always there for you no matter how far you stray from them! While on vacation, I visited my childhood friend of 26 years! Saying that out loud makes me feel my age! <br />
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The most wonderful part of this entire trip was sharing my past with my husband... the non-narcissist. My narcissist used to tell me that LA was a hell hole and that he would never want to visit there... well geesh, asshole never appreciated anything about me to include where I grew up. And if you don't visit LA with a native, you haven't truly visited LA. His loss, because on this trip, I realized how much fun it was to live in such a great city. We visited Universal Studios, LACMA, the La Brea Tarpits, California Science Museum, Santa Barbara, and sooooooo much more. We also tasted so many wonderful foods that we don't have locally back home. <br />
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Narcissists always try to make you feel bad- bad about yourself, your friends, your past- basically every aspect of your life. They break you down at every opportunity. I find it quite ludicrous when I look back that my narcissist who grew up in the back woods of Louisiana, would call LA a hell hole. My narcissist would also criticize something he has never truly tried or truly visited. Visiting a city and sitting in a hotel is not the same. You see my narcissist would visit wonderful cities and then lock himself up in his hotel room. He travelled for work and thought it a bother to venture out. <br />
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When you are in a relationship with a narcissist your self esteem is broken by this person's criticisms. In hindsight, you begin to realize just how much of an ignoramus this person is. A narcissist is quite gifted at criticizing something he is quite ignorant of. I think they do this out of fear that people would look down on them for not knowing. Or perhaps they do it to sound like a know-it-all. <br />
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So, I titled this blog post as "new beginnings". When you finally leave your narcissist and finally are in a normal relationship, you truly have a New Beginning. With that being said, you take the wisdom from all the hurt, all the destruction, all the chaos and you learn to cherish all the wonderful things a normal relationship brings- and you don't take those things for granted. <br />
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Spending time with my childhood friend was wonderful and I couldn't help but to think that if I was still with my ex, I would never have had the opportunity to visit with her. Knowing this, I treasured this latest visit even more.<br />
<br />Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-49067550197511912542012-10-07T18:10:00.000-07:002012-10-07T18:10:23.936-07:00Narcissist #2I haven't written on my blog for quite some time. After a short summer with the kids, life is just moving along. I am happy to report that I am remarried and the difference between a relationship with a narcissist and a non-narcissist is heavenly bliss. No longer do I find myself second guess myself- which from the outside must sound a bit strange. But for those of us who have had the misfortune of the narcissist, we know that thinking less of yourself when you are with that someone is just part of the norm. <br />
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Amazingly a blast from my past came rushing in a few weeks ago. My ex-husband was not the only relationship I have had to contend with. I have experienced three horrific, happiness draining relationship with 3 of these monsters. Finally, after the last one, I had to admit that it was something about my personality that just kept ending up in the same place--- I will write the revelations I have had in regards to this subject in a future blog.<br />
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So, narcissist number two- I don't know why, but recently as I was reflecting on some of my past relationships, I was thinking about this particular evil-doer. Curiosity led to finding him on facebook and seeing that he was remarried. I guess I couldn't stop there, because this person was just incapable of having a good relationship. So, as my curiosity grew, I felt that somehow maybe I was wrong and maybe it was really just me... that little voice in my head- the one that is always blaming myself, came rearing its ugly head the other day. So, I look further into the situation to find out that he had cheated on his wife and that they are going through a divorce. Wow- some people never change. In the midst of all this, my heart just pours out to this woman because I could just imagine what she must be going through. So, I contact her... I was fearful of how this woman would react because I am sure that my ex- only had nasty things to spew out about me. But then a miracle- she is happy to hear from me and we exchange stories and I am quite dumbfounded by what happens next.<br />
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She tells me that he has been telling her that he was in the Army... WHAT!!! This person was never in the Army because he had epilepsy. I was the one in the Army, but it gets even better. To continue on with this charade, he makes up wild stories and even gets a tattoo indicating that he was in the Army. He took tidbits of people in my unit, took their names and incorporated them into his lies, his facade, his grand DELUSION! He goes around telling people that the scars on his back are from shrapnel. Having lost a few friends to the recent wars, I am literally disgusted, but not too surprised. I am a little taken aback to the extent his lies have grown. To top it all off, he took my uniforms, and acted like they were his from his "time" in the Army. <br />
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Absolutely no boundaries, and no regard for the men and women who have sacrificed to rightfully wear their uniforms. To top it all off, he tells a judge that he was in the Army- perjuring himself. Absolutely no boundaries, no respect for the law, no respect for anyone- like all true narcissists, it is about me, myself and I.<br />
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I am glad I reached out to this woman. She is a brilliant woman with a Ph'd and has been an educator for over 20 years. I am willing to help her... he tried to bankrupt me, ruin my career, tried to disgrace me - and to hear he is still doing the same things to his victims- just makes me sick to my stomach. She too has had to face financial, professional and personal difficulties because of the narcissist. Unfortunately there is a child involved and as if the child is a status symbol, the child is placed smack dab in the middle of the lies, the insanity. <br />
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How far will the narcissist go to continue their facade? What will happen when this narcissist's lies and pretenses come to light. How far will he go to keep his secrets? The outcome, the answer, scares me to think about it. Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-59942246137718817952012-03-09T09:16:00.000-08:002012-03-09T09:16:21.887-08:00CrossroadsIt's been a while since I posted anything onto my blog. Yesterday was an interesting day where two new people in my life started asking me personal questions about my kids and why they aren't with me. Still to this day it is a little difficult to talk about, but I always do my best to put on a good front. <br />
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This post is called "crossroads" because I wanted to write this morning about the crossroads that we endure as victims of narcissists. Many of us have faced so many injustices from them and we expend so much energy trying to make it right, trying to make others see the truth about them, but for most of us, in the end, we are the ones often left broken, left to pick up the pieces, left exhausted.<br />
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I fought for over two years a losing battle with a court system that refused to let me enter a psychological evaluation that showed that he was narcissistic and it plainly stated that he "should never have custody of the children". They deemed it as being too old. As most of us well know, that a narcissist never changes. So, labelling a "narcissist" label as being outdated, is just plain wrong. <br />
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For two years I dealt with a master manipulator, who at every turn would try to turn my life upside down. In the midst of it, he tried to embezzle over $15K from me. I had the evidence to show to the court and yet they didn't think it was that big of a deal. This person managed to turn my life upside down for two months from almost three-thousand miles away, and it isn't a big deal? <br />
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The parent evaluator never talked to the day care workers that he threatened and harassed on a regular basis. They didn't talk to the teachers he got fired from multiple schools by making up false allegations. <br />
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So after spending over $20,000 in lawyer fees plus travel costs, court costs, parenting evaluation costs, I just said enough is enough. This was my crossroads. I decided to save my sanity, go on with my life, and enjoy my time with my kids drama free. I get them just about every single holiday and we get to go on some fantastic adventures and yes I pay a lot of money in child support, but I saved myself in the long run. <br />
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Being 1000s of miles away, not running into him on a regular basis, not switching the kids around every two weeks, no harassment at my workplace, and new beginnings without the crazy guy lurking in the background. So I traded in a decade of drama, to save my own sanity. Some could say that I am a horrible mother, that I abandoned my children, but those are the people that know nothing about me. My children can still opt to live with me when they turn twelve and I get to see them for longer periods of time without dealingw ith my ex. Leaving them with him during the school year was hard, but staying would have been disastrous. I could not imagine being back there to have him stalk me on a regular basis again. This is a person that drove by my work, showed up at work to make a scene, put key loggers on my computer, would have other people follow me around, would do anything to pick a fight with me and then turn right around and make fantastic lies. <br />
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Victims of narcissists all face this crossroad. Do I stay and fight for what is right, or do I relent and go on with my life? When one party has an enormous amount of energy at seeking to make your absolutely miserable at any cost, you have to wonder, is it worth it in the end? <br />
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Life goes on. Life is short. Wasting more energy on a crazy person is just not worth it to me. I would rather go on vacation than pay another ridiculous amount of money to the lawyers. I would rather go on vacation with my kids. I would rather be happy, content and at peace than to deal with this person anymore. I look upon my time with my ex with sadness, unhappy thoughts and there are very rare glimpses of fondess that I remember. The drama began from the beginning and still continues. But I limit how much it affects me. <br />
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I don't dare give this person anymore of my attention than he deserves. He doesn't have the privilege of ever seeing any more of my emotions. In our brief exchanges I remain ever so stoic, and refuse to give this person anymore of myself. He doesn't deserve me, and I don't deserve to be his punching bag anymore. <br />
Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-45696378503623151782011-11-12T21:58:00.000-08:002011-11-12T21:58:04.120-08:00Victim DefendantsNarcissists have this uncanny gift of being able to completely turn off their emotions when they deem the situation warrants it. As I was training to become a volunteer at our local domestic violence organization, I was caught off guard when they talked about "victim defendants". It wasn't because I didn't believe that there could be such a thing, but because I was one... and it struck me that this organization recognized it. Where I moved from- they didn't care about the history of the relationship, but what had happened in the moment... so I am about to share a story that is both hard, embarrassing, and brings lots of sadness.<br />
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It all started with my ex pretending to make fake phone calls to our neighbors... He would say on the phone that "I was crazy and that I was abusing them" after one of our many loud arguments. What he would do would press the button for the phone locator- which sounded a lot like a phone ring to pretend that the neighbors were calling our house out of "concern". I would call him on his bluff, tell him that I knew the difference in the ring tone and that I knew for a fact that the neighbors did not have our phone numbers. He would just hurl another childish insult.<br />
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Flash forward a few years, and I am now pregnant with twins. My ex was a miserable ass the entire time we were pregnant. He would pick fights just to pick fights with me. I never had a moment of peace. One night he pushed me down to the ground and because of his bizarre behavior for weeks, I called the police out of fear the situation would escalate. Before the police came, he actually went outside and threw water on himself. When the police arrived, he "calmly" told them that I had started the fight and that I had provoked him by throwing water on him. I was completely dumbfounded and the police told me that unless I had marks on me that there was nothing they could do. He stood there and heard all of this. So the next day, he picks another fight with me, and at that point, I told him I was leaving him... his first response was that he was going to kill himself. I told him "go ahead and do us all a favor". I know that sounds heartless, but this wasn't the first time that he said he would "kill himself" in the middle of an argument if I didn't comply with his outlandish needs. That morning, during our argument, he had thrown away my college diplomas, awards, pictures, etc in the trash. This man just could not argue like a normal adult. He would act in bizarre ways. For weeks he had been following me around with a video camera as soon as I got home. It was just relentless. <br />
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I just needed to get away from him and go to work. So I took my daughter to school- he calmly watched me put her in the car and drive off. I realized after I dropped her off that I forgot my purse, so I begrudgingly headed back home. As I drove up to my car, I noticed a sheriff's car. He had actually hit himself in the face, trying to get me arrested... now just to recap the situation, I am about five months pregnant with twins and he had heard the night before that there had to be a mark on me for the police to take action. I became completely hysterical... and yet, very eerily he remained calm. I showed them all the things of mine that he had been throwing away and I told them that he calmly watched me put my daughter in the car and drive away. I still remember asking them, "If I am so violent as he claims, why would he watch me drive away with my daughter. If the roles were reversed, I would block the car and keep him from taking my daughter." Luckily that day, the deputies that they sent out were reasonable and realized that his story was full of holes... and yet he insisted on writing a victim's statement "for record". They thought it was bizarre that he insisted on trying to actually get his pregnant wife arrested.<br />
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For years, he followed me with a camera to try to bait me into a fight, to try to frame me. He actually followed me around with a camera and caused me so much stress that my water broke. Instead of putting down his camera, he video taped me drive away. He then proceeded to call the sheriff's department and child protective services... stating that I was endangering our unborn children by recklessly driving away with my water broken. <br />
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Child protective services and the sheriff's department were always knocking on my door because he would use them as just more pawns to feed his narcissism. <br />
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I fought with this system for years- the courts, child protective services, etc. They refused to look at what brought the relationship to this point. Women unfortunately, often become victim defendants... so we get abused twice- once by our perpetrators and again by a flawed system. My ex became quite the master of manipulating the system. He used the system to make false complaints against day care ladies that stood up for me willing to testify. He used the system to make false complaints against teachers and schools that did not comply with his ego. They too were victims. <br />
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My children also became victims of the system.<br />
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When I finally decided to leave him, he tried his usual pattern of trying to completely make my life chaotic and use the system against me. I refused to give him that luxury. I showed him no emotion and on the phone, I said what I needed to and would hang up. I slowly got rid of as many ways as he could control me with. But that wasn't enough, I had to physically move away from him. I knew if I stayed, he would just try to escalate the situation and would continue to harass me. This person has shown up at my work trying to get my fired in the past. I just could not let him turn my life upside down anymore. So, I left the state. I tried desperately to leave with my children and fought for over two years to try to get my children back with me... but again the system failed me. They refused to look at the entire situation. They completely ignored the fact that he was diagnosed as being a narcissist by a well-respected psychiatrist. All the judge saw was that I moved away and all she could see was that I left the kids behind. <br />
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I am happy to see that where I have moved to, there are agencies, law enforcement and legal personnel that recognize that victims often get tangled up as defendants... because they fight back or because they just have had enough and snap. The local domestic violence agency actually goes out to the jails, to try to find these victim defendants. I wish these people were in the state that I was in when I was going through the chaos. <br />
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There were people here and there that recognized him for who he was... the guardian ad litem appointed by the court, some of his co-workers, and some of the social workers... unfortunately they were out-ruled by their supervisors. What struck all of them as odd was how "calm" he remained and how he wanted me to get in trouble and suffer. These are not the behavior of a normal person. Normal people do not want their spouses to get in trouble and suffer for things they did not do... normal people do not act calm after a heated argument when the police arrive. Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-13564480564005542952011-09-14T14:05:00.000-07:002011-09-14T14:05:16.764-07:00I can Learn A Lot From My DogMy dog is an escape artist. She got out last week and got into a car accident. I am forever grateful that the person who hit her did not leave her on the side of the road. He took her to the vet and we were notified when they ran her microchip. So last week, we had to make the decision to either try to screw her leg back together and keep her in a cage for months so she could heal or they could amputate her leg. Knowing her personality, I couldn't picture her doing to well being sedated and immobile in a cage for months. So, we made the difficult decision to amputate her leg. I was crushed. This tiny dog that weighed only seven pounds, and only a year old, would lose a leg! I was devastated. She is the most energetic dog I have ever had. She would drive us nuts with her boundless energy. I couldn't picture her without a leg and without that boundless energy. <br />
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We picked her up after the surgery and it has only been about five days she has been home. She is already trying to run around and it is just amazing how quickly she is recovering. I went on you tube and watched some videos of dogs with only three legs. In one video, a dog who lost a leg only two weeks before, was already running and playing fetch. My dog is not quite back to herself, but she is getting there. Two days after her surgery she was trotting along, wagging her tail. <br />
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This past year has been difficult. My divorce was finalized after two years and it has been hard for me to come to terms that I don't get to see my kids all the time. It has also been difficult to watch them transform by the influence of the narcissist and it scares me to think that they too might be just like him. My friends have termed as a "worry wort". Yes, I worry about things that I have no control over. It drags me down and makes it hard for me to live my life. <br />
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So I have been watching my dog- and she doesn't mope for her missing leg, all depressed. I have been watching her adapt to what she does have- three perfectly healthy legs. This morning I had the fortune of hearing the highest ranking surviving fire fighter give a very heartfelt emotional speech. And in the end, I thought it was poignant and so relevant to all of us to be grateful for what we have. I posted a link from youtube that shows him giving a speech. <br />
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When I was with my narcissist, I was and still am constantly grieving for the lost time, spent emotions, lost opportunities and I just get so sad. So sad about everything the narcissist took away from me in the past. So bitter at times that I forget to fully enjoy the life that I have now at this very moment. I have a great job, great boss, great guy, great house and obviously a great dog. Between watching my dog this week and hearing the speech of Richard Piccoto, I have been reminded that I need appreciate and enjoy what I have. On another note, I think my experience with the narcissist has also put in to perspective how much worse things can get. I will never forget all the hell this man put me through, but it is time to put it towards the good things in life. This week, I have applied to volunteer at a local domestic violence shelter for women. I could mope and grieve for what he did, or I could take what I learned and put it to good use. <br />
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So I want to encourage those of you reading this, to do something positive from your experience with the narcissist. Help another woman get out of a bad situation, share your experience and hopefully someone else will get out of bad relationship because it is like the experience of my dog, it isn't about the limb she lost, but about the three healthy legs that she has learned to adapt with. Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-79070416054918926562011-09-14T13:55:00.000-07:002011-09-14T13:55:28.980-07:00Richard Picciotto: Last Man Down<iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/eFBfYjk1SaU?fs=1" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" width="425"></iframe>Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-61297389105800811842011-09-10T18:12:00.001-07:002011-09-10T20:43:46.769-07:00Childish GamesMy narcissist and I have children together and we had a decade long relationship. You would think that two professionals in such a situation would have no time for childish games. Why do narcissists insist on engaging in childish games? <br />
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My ex would play head games with me for weeks and then when I finally had it and told him I wanted to leave him the games would get worse. It always started with him suddenly in dire need of attention. For example he would miraculously pass out from the stress, he would get results from the doctor that indicated he 'might' have cancer or he would all of a sudden become suicidal because he couldn't live without me. For the first few years I would fall for it because I had empathy. But after about five years I got sick of his sudden drama and hypochondriac loathsome self. So I would then just resort to mocking him or calling him on his bluff. This only angered him and his twisted brain would concoct some other ludicrous way to get my attention. This was all it was....a way to get my attention. Because whether it was good or bad attention the narcissist got what he craved...my attention. <br />
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I was reminded that this is what all narcissists crave this week. A lady found my Facebook page and I was happy to see that sharing my experiences had helped her. Unfortunately for her, her ex found her posts and started to put his own posts on my page. How pathetic that he could not allow her to have anything of hers unblemished with his ugly presence. This brought back a wave of terrible memories of childish games my ex played on me. So here are a few:<br />
1. He used my email address of ten years to sign me of fir every kind of junk email. So I would get emails that started out with "dear james". It was his way of letting me know he existed. <br />
2. He put a key logger on my personal laptop to spy on me. <br />
3. He put a password on my personal laptop then made me pay him $200 to take it off.<br />
4. He would turn off my cellphone service if I didn't comply with his demands. Five years and five different numbers. I have had the same number for the last three years since leaving him!<br />
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There are so many more that I could share...the point is that these narcissists have no boundaries in their quest to get the attention of their victims. <br />
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I learned the hard way to keep my life hidden as much as possible from this crazy person. I try to never divulge more than I have to. He still tries his hardest to find out what I am up to via Facebook, Internet searches of me and my friends, etc. My boyfriend is a very open person and kept his Facebook open so everyone could see his wall. For months my ex would comment on every little post or picture he could find. I finally had to ask my boyfriend to hide his posts. It is unfortunate but those close to us also need to take precautions to not get entangled and ensnared in the crazy world of the narcissist. <br />
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I take precautions daily to keep the craziness our of my life. For instance I tell the kids I am going on vacation but never the location or exact dates. Or I just plain fib about what I am up to. I hate doing it but it is how I keep myself safe. <br />
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The boundless energy of the narcissist...I wish I could just wish it away. *sigh*Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-43306520767037981462011-09-04T16:37:00.000-07:002011-09-04T16:37:17.814-07:00Physical AilmentsWhen I was in my 20s, my doctors would always comment on how healthy I was. My cholesterol and blood pressure levels were always low, I had no complaints or ailments. Flash forward ten years, a tumultuous relationship with a narcissist and it is a completely different story. My HDL levels were low, my blood pressure is high, and I have thyroid issues. I realize that as I was just trying to survive the daily grind, trauma and drama of my narcissist, I forgot to take care of myself physically. I completely neglected my own health because I was too busy and too frantic dealing with the latest crisis that the monster would ensue upon me. <br />
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Growing up I was a competitive swimmer for nearly eighteen years. I ate a properly balanced meal, worked out two to four hours a day, made sure I got enough sleep and took all sorts of vitamins and supplements. I continued this ritual until I was thrown into a whirlwind. I often wonder to myself if I suffer from declining health, how does the narcissist not feel these same effects. the only logical conclusion that I can come to, is that even though they hurl all sorts of drama at you, they themselves do not react the same to the same kind o f stressors. I think it is because they are completely wired differently. When someone lacks empathy, they obviously just don't care. Life is just one big game to them in which they must destroy and conquer. To those of us who are normal in our thinking, life isn't a game. We feel the pain, the anger, the hurt... and so does our bodies. <br />
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Today, I am happy to report that I am going to a chiropractor, acupuncturist, taking my vitamins, exercising and eating much healthier foods. I hold a lot of stress in my neck, shoulders and stomach... I want to release this stress... it almost feels ritualistic... as if I am working on releasing my narcissist from the grip he held on me. I can't completely erase the damage that my narcissist did on my body- on top of just plain getting older. The best that I can do is to try to mitigate the extent of the damage. I think that is something that we all need to come to grips with as survivors- not just in regards to our physical health, but also with our mental and emotional well being. Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-71541876061545794122011-08-14T12:45:00.000-07:002011-08-14T12:45:49.946-07:00Here we go againI enjoyed the summer with the kids- three thousand miles away from the narcissist. It was great for everyone involved. The truth of the matter is I had to give up having my kids close to me all the time to get away from the crazy guy. It was not an easy decision to come to, but I saw how he was roping the kids into his games just to get even with me. So as painful as it was, I left and resigned to see them for only three months of the year. As painful and as unfair I know this is, it was the best solution to a difficult situation. I just dropped my kids off with their dad and less than an hour later I got a nasty email from him accusing me of stealing their medical and ID cards because as he puts it that I am not their custodial parent. He also insinuates that I must have had a team of medical experts check them out over the summer and that he wants all their records. Pattern... yes pattern.<br />
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We are about to go to court again because he violated the terms of our divorce decree less than two months after it was signed. You see, he was supposed to have them fly into a mutually agreed upon airport or if an agreement could not be made. Instead he flew them into an airport that was five hours away and the return flight was for 6 am. UGH!<br />
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Every time we are about to go to court, I get accused of something. And if it isn't me, it is the kids' teachers who step forwards and are willing to testify on my behalf. This is the pattern that I am referring to. I feel badly for everyone that gets involved. This past year, he had a teacher fired from their school.<br />
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I moved three thousand miles to get away from this insanity... so I could survive and be sane. I could not take it anymore. The constant calling of the police, making false allegations, showing up at my work place, trying to get me fired, stalking me, trying to bait me into another chaotic situation that I would have to deal with. It was all too daunting.<br />
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I wanted to desperately to be able to move with the kids and get them away from all this lunacy. Unfortunately I lived in a state that punishes you for trying to get away from an abusive person with your children. For this, I get judged all the time as a heartless mother. But to those critics, I say to you- have you ever experienced true narcissism. I could have stayed and I would have continued to deteriorate. My kids would have been ensnared in all the mess every day. I would have had to interact with him on a much more regular basis. At least now, the kids can see me without the chaos and the drama- in my home, in my safe haven, away from the narcissist. I get some sense of peace and so do they. <br />
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I try to limit my interaction with my narcissist. It is for my own benefit. But when he feels I haven't given him sufficient attention, he stirs up trouble for me... and all I can say is "here we go again". Reasoning with this lunatic is a complete and utter waste of time. Unless you comply exactly as he demands, he will relentlessly make your life completely miserable. So, I realize that there is little I can do. The best thing for me to do is to limit my interaction with him and let him do his own thing. He stated to me that he will get the ID cards from me by "any means necessary".<br />
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I actually hope he does... I hope he calls the police, the government, the lawyers, whomever he deems necessary... because I have the paperwork that says I have the right. Just getting the cards was a painstaking hassle. I had to repeatedly remind him of our divorce decree and that he is in contempt of court if he doesn't provide them to me... what a pain and what an ass he is and will always be. <br />
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So, I have taken away many of the ways he used to hurt me. It is much harder for him to hassle me from three thousand miles away. So he resorts to minute, trivial things like insurance cards. How pathetic that he spends his time inventing new ways to get to me. I should be somewhat flattered by all the attention he gives me... "hey crazy guy, I didn't know I was worth all the trouble". The less attention I give this guy, the more he spends his time and energy... He just can't stand to be ignored and I can't wait until the day he does ignore me for good. I just want some peace and to enjoy by time with the kids... isn't it enough for him that he gets the kids the majority of the time? Nothing is enough for the narcissist.<br />
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I needed to vent and let out some frustration in my blog today. Now, it is time for me to live my life and to not think about him. I have decided to ignore the email that he shot back at me today until friday. I am going to enjoy the rest of the week. He can stew in his own misery and wonder why I haven't bothered to give him the time of day by reading his pathetic, sophomoric replies. :)<br />
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Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-14168475038063082002011-07-30T01:03:00.000-07:002011-07-30T01:03:12.360-07:00PTSDFirst of all, I highly recommend getting a therapist if you are or have dealt with a narcissist. My therapy time was in many ways my safe time. No one to answer to, no one asking me "why did you stay with him for so long?" or making comments like- "well you are the one who married him". I had a wonderful therapist and I would really like to find another one, but the thought of having to revisit old wounds and tell the story again, just seems to painful right now. So I have just let this one slide, but I think it would do me some good. One of the things my last therapist explained was that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of everything I have been through. I didn't want to believe it... I just thought I would go through normal depression issues like anyone in my situation would. It wasn't until I moved away from my ex that I discovered exactly what she was talking about.<br />
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As I was unpacking my things, I found a rather large number of Glad Plug-ins. My ex was obsessed with these things. Insisted on putting them everywhere. So, out of habit, I started to plug them into my new apartment. It was like I was a robot, trained to always stick these things into every open outlet. A few minutes later, I wanted to vomit from the smell and I felt dizzy. I had to immediately go unplug them, throw them in the dumpster and lay down. And then there it was, I realized that I really did have PTSD. Many times when you go through a relationship with a narcissist, it is so traumatic, that like the battle-weary soldier, there will be certain things that trigger your memory of the trauma caused by the narcissist. <br />
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I get angry sometimes when I think about all the invisible scars this person has left on my emotional and mental well-being. <br />
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So, here I am nearly three years after I left crazy guy, and I am finally in my new house. I used to hate going home to my ex because it was just plain unpleasant... all the insults, all the criticism, all the tension, all the stress... this summer I made the unfortunate decision to allow my boyfriend's mother to come and watch my kids. Ugh, what a horrible idea this was... Mothers- so many seem to have a hard time realizing that their little boys are grown up and they are no longer in charge. So, as we moved into our new house, this women had an opinion about everything- "if it were me, I would... blah blah blah". She also disapproves of something I do on a regular basis and instead of just saying it, she walks away shaking her head visibly in disgust. Now mind you, she is for the most part great with my kids and I am sure that she means well. I also think that she walks away shaking her head visibly biting her tongue because she realizes that it is better to not say anything. For weeks though, I have dreaded coming home to listen to another "if it were me" statement in regards to how she would decorate the house... my house is very contemporary. Her house is anything but contemporary, so I try to ignore these statements. I have also dreaded coming home to just have her walk away from me for her daily disapproval... <br />
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After a few weeks of this, I blew up. I went into a yelling tirade with my boyfriend... he just looked at me in bewilderment. It took me a few days to realize, that when I come home, I have to be in a peaceful, environment. This woman, was making my home life unbearable, and it reminded me all too much of the same feeling I had when I would come home to my ex. <br />
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My boyfriend was very sweet- he told his mom that he would take a few days off to spend some time with the kids and relieved her of watching the kids the rest of the week. This has given me a reprieve for about four days to de-stress and have some peace. It has been rather pleasant... no more tip-toeing around my own house. <br />
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Just because you finish dealing with your narcissist, doesn't necessarily mean that your heart, soul, and brain are ready to move on. I am still a disciple of learning to understand where my source of pain, frustration, and anger comes from sometimes... sometimes it is just a plain struggle to realize that you really aren't as angry at the situation, but that it really just reminds you of something you had to deal with crazy guy. Also, just no longer being around their delusion, and living in complete reality again- this too is not an easy task... when you are with the narcissist for so long, they tend to brainwash you. Detoxifying yourself from all that nonsense they fed you, takes time. Learning to take care of yourself first and not taking care of the latest drama that your narcissist through at you... this too is an art. I don't have the answers, nor will I have them all. I think it is time for me to get another good therapist to help me get through this phase of my recovery. These are just the thoughts going through my head as of late.Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-20236930768535825212011-07-14T22:48:00.000-07:002011-07-14T22:48:40.185-07:00My World of DenialEpiphanies---- you will have moments where you go "A-Ha!"... my therapist once told me that. On the journey to finding those treasured "a Ha!" moments, I went through a lot of denial. Denial that I could really be with someone who could truly be soulless. Why do we deny, deny, deny what is so apparent to everyone else? Blinded by our emotions, unable to think through what is really happening with logic and reason. Sometimes when I share my story with someone, they just shake their head in disbelief that I could be duped in such a manner. "How could you possibly not see what was happening?" <br />
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I don't have the exact reason or science to this. It just is what it is. I kept telling myself that surely this person will see how illogical and insane his actions are and will change. I told myself this over and over and kept going back for more and more abuse. In hindsight, I was the one who was illogical... yes, ME. I kept going back to an irreparable, stoic, cruel situation. At some point, I have to take some responbility for what unfolded. No, I didn't deserve his cruelty, but I could have walked away years ago and saved myself years of torment. <br />
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So here I am today, in a much better place. Out of fear and panic of repeating my mistakes, I have gone to the other extreme- I refuse to accept things just for what they are... I tend to assume the worst is going to happen in my new relationship and yet it never comes to fruition. So, I am a little angry sometimes that because of this one crazy person, I have become a bit jaded. It is a constant struggle in which I have to tell myself that who I am with is not that crazy guy. <br />
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So, I don't want to be the victim again, but I struggle to find the perfect middle ground. Logic and reason sometimes just goes out the door because I have had to deal with such an evil, manipulative person. So, what the lesson here... I just don't know. I guess for starters, if you think you are with a narcissist- research what a narcissist is and look for the signs. Once the math adds up, run like hell. Second, once you are ready to start, be careful not to let the narcissist interfere your new life by filling your head with paranoid, untrusting thoughts.<br />
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Learning to deal with things as they are, right now and not letting the past influence my present life... what a struggle this has become at times.Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-24172725291992106842011-06-21T12:38:00.000-07:002011-06-21T12:38:43.868-07:00Not a level playing fieldI think we can all agree that from our earliest childhood memories we can recall that we were always taught that good will prevail against evil. For most of us, we tend to believe this as a core value. When I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship, I really wanted to believe that goodness and especially the truth would prevail. I wanted to right so many wrongs- and in doing so I expended so much energy and at times just came across as someone who was mentally unstable. How miserable to be in an abusive relationship and in trying to right the wrongs of the abuser, we become obsessed with "fixing it". It took me a long time, a lot of heartache and pain, to just learn to walk away. <br />
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Do you ever feel like you just want to prove to the world, what a horrible person your narcissist is? They have no conscience and dare I say it--they have no soul. They feel no remorse or guilt for the horrible things they inflict on you. When someone acts without emotion, they act like a robot... they drive you insane, breakdown your defenses, and when you lash out and just lose it- they magically, turn to world and say "see, look at what a crazy person I have to deal with". They are so good at this game. My ex used to follow me around with a video camera for weeks, stalk me, and when I just about it had it and starting breaking dishes and screaming out of pure anger and frustration, he would jump into his calm demeanor and call upon his friends and everyone else to "show them just what a crazy person I was". Then I would frantically, try to show and explain to people what had been going on for weeks and sometimes even months... why I broke down. None of it mattered, all that mattered was that their friend or colleague had successfully duped them into demonstrating the aftermath... when you finally break down. <br />
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The abused person has a normal reaction to someone who torments and abuses them. The narcissist has a cold, calculated, manipulated reaction. Thus this creates an uneven playing field. When the other person lacks the ability to have normal reactions and emotions, fair just goes out the window. There is nothing fair, nothing nice, nothing decent when dealing with a narcissist. <br />
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Many times, by the time you realize you are with a narcissist, the damage has been done. His friends think you are nuts and emphatize with the narcissist because they have to deal with the likes of you... It took me a long time to just say "f*ck it. I don't give a damn anymore what other people think and I especially don't care what you (the narcissist) thinks of me". Best therapy of my life. Walking away, not being a part of the chaos the narcissist ensues, was the best remedy. Because when one person doesn't have the ability to play fair, why play at all? Why give them the satisfaction? Let them move on to the next victim- so they leave you alone and let you recover and heal. <br />
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I hope I can reach someone who thinks that the best course of action is to extract revenge or to somehow show the world the true nature of the narcissist. I hope that they just turn around and say, "I will live the best life ever and that will be the best revenge". Because when they see they haven't gotten to you and that you have moved on, it will eat them up. They will be consumed with what they deem as "unfairness"... because in their minds you don't deserve it, you deserve to be miserable for ever. Let them wallow in their own misery. Let them stew in their own jealousy. <br />
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My house is almost done- two more weeks. I have a great job and a wonderful guy in my life. I will be posting pictures of our finished house soon. Living a life of peace and happiness is my number one goal. Never again will I let the narcissist ensnare me in his chaos. Never again, will I let this person degrade me. Never again will I let this person have any say in how I feel, how I live, and who I am. Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-67603811796237353142011-05-30T23:46:00.000-07:002011-05-30T23:46:25.023-07:00*roll of the eyes*I am spending the summer with my kids. It's hard not to see them all the time. It was the price I had to pay to get away from crazy guy, but I knew in my heart that this too would only be temporary. Even they would eventually see the lunacy of his behavior. <br />
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As I was unpacking my oldest daughter's bag, I asked her why this time there were no vitamins packed... vitamins- one of the last resorts of the control freak. The last few times he would send a pack of vitamins on send illicit details on how to give it to the kids- which I complied without saying a word- just merely a roll of the eyes because I knew it was to get a rise out of me. Since he got none, I guess he just moved on to other ways of trying to keep control over me. Her answer to me was that dad did not pack the vitamins because I would just "throw them away". I asked her quite plainly- "have you ever seen me throw away your vitamins?" In which she replied, no. As I turned and rolled my eyes again. <br />
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What the narcissist doesn't realize in his delusional world that in trying to be the favored parent by making up insinuations and lies, he is trying just over time slowly revealing his true nature. Because even for his children, he cannot but show his true nature. He just simply cannot help himself. Even they will be able to see through the lies as they get older. <br />
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I've learned to just not play into his sophomoric chicanery. I just "roll my eyes". By being above his tactics of deception and lies, over time it becomes evident who the true victim and who the true liar is. I just laugh at his idiotic lame attempts at trying to make me into something I am not. Because in reality- he is scared. Scared that the kids will have a fantastic time with me and that when they are old enough they will be able to tell the judge that they prefer to live with mom. It's his fear that turns him into this ugly, pathetic person. He doesn't know how to behave through the fear in rational terms- so he resorts to deception, lies, and manipulation. <br />
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This resonates throughout every aspect of his life... scared that he will become insignificant at work- therefore he bolsters himself with fantastic accomplishments. Scared of getting old, therefore he becomes a shallow, vain shell of a being. Scared the others would learn the truth about them, therefore, therefore they aim to surround themselves with people they are secretly jealous of and want to be. <br />
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What a sad way to live a life. How tiring it must be to be so consummed with appearances or scared of their own shadows. Well to that, I roll my eyes, I stay quiet and live the best life, and I say "boo"- scared of me yet? because you should be. I am not one of those people you will manipulate any longer. You know that I know the truth about you. You also know that I see right through you for the hollow person you really are. But best of all, you know you won't get away with the lies and deception with me anymore.Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-43567648019033546452011-05-18T15:27:00.000-07:002011-05-18T15:27:55.626-07:00Learning to Not Always Expect the Worst!When I was with my narcissist, I always expected the worst... there were moments of happiness, but as the years passed they became few and far between... and even the moments when I should have been happy, I knew the storm was just over the horizon. So I could never truly be happy. It was hard to enjoy life knowing that inevitably, the narcissist would transform into Jekyl. <br />
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It's been over two years since I have resided in the same state as my ex. Even now though the scars he has left on my soul torment me. It's hard to enjoy life all the time because sometimes I still think the worst is yet to come. But over time, it's these moments of self doubt that have become few and far between. The reversal has been a slow transformation. It's the undoing of the shackles that bind us with our narcissist. <br />
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Sometimes it makes me so angry I allowed this person to manipulate me to the point where I lost myself over a decade of anguish, heartache, and misery. Sometimes I just want to get back at him anyway I can- even though I know that I get the best results by not doing anything and letting them come to their own demise. And then there are the brilliant moments when I am able to enjoy life, look at what unfolds, and just chuckle to myself and think "what an idiot". <br />
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I sometimes wonder how my boyfriend puts up with me. I can be the most negative person in the world at times. Thank goodness that he is restoring my faith in the male species! I wonder if we have to suffer sometimes to really make us cherish and treasure the good people in our lives. Throughout my ordeals I have learned - sometimes quite painfully- that some people are just not good for me and that they must be weeded out. I have lost so many "so called" good friends because they just couldn't stand the drama invoked by the narcissist, but in reality, are these people really all that good of friends? The sad thing about the whole situation is that unless someone has truly dealt with the full spectrum of the narcissist, they can not understand what you could possibly going through. They just can't fathom that it really can be just that bad. When you relay to the person who just cannot emphatize with the outlandish narcissist stories, they just listen in disbelief... disbelief that anything that insane could really happen- but it does to thousands and thousands of people and unfortunately most of the victims are women.<br />
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Why is it that most victims are women- is it because we tend to forgive and we want to fix things? I don't know the real reason. I know for me I always wanted to believe that the narcissist would realize the lunacy of his actions, learn and mature over time, but we all know that that will never happen. <br />
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How is it that the narcissist cannot see what is so plainly and painfully obvious to the rest of the world?<br />
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But I digress, today is another day. It is sometimes sad and humurous that at times I have to say to myself "don't expect the worst. You are not there anymore, you are here!" Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-83885171957341625142011-05-10T21:49:00.000-07:002011-05-10T21:54:01.481-07:00I checked an email from crazy guy today and true to his label, he made another crazy insinuation. So apparently him not being able to buy his house was somehow my fault... hahaha... I have to laugh because I moved three thousand miles to get away from nut case and he still seems to find the energy to blame me... so apparently moving will cause a disruption in where the kids will attend school and he is afraid that I will some how "litigate" him for moving the kids to a different a school... EXCEPT.... wait a minute crazy guy logic- you forgot that we moved when we were married and our daughter got to stay in the same school because she has special needs... <br />
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Why do I share this story.... only because it just goes to show you how logic fails the narcissist... perhaps you crazy nut case you can't buy your house because you insisted on foreclosing our house to "teach me a lesson".... except it was karma... the mortgage was solely in your name... so you shot yourself in the foot... all I have to say... what a DUMBASS! What goes around comes around.<br />
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I love how these narcissists think that they can just keep spewing their vile, irrational BS and that they think somehow they will remain immune to it forever. <br />
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Why did my crazy ex try to point the finger at me for his latest misgivings??? I think it is because he would rather lie, rant, and blame others then to face the truth of the whole matter... I want to say to him "you screwed up by trying to hurt me... in the end you only hurt yourself. I hope you learned your lesson, but I know better. You will never learn from your mistakes because somehow in your irraitonal mind you found yet another way to blame me for all your misery and your horrible life. So now you are embarrassed and you feel that you must blame me yet again... except I am no longer your punching bag. I got away from you for a reason- think about that while."<br />
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I started writing an email in which I pointed out the fact that not being able to buy his house was due to his poor choices and a few other lines where I wanted to rub it in his face... in the end, I erased all those lines and wrote an emotionless response to his email- which I am sure he will find a way to try to pick a fight with me- I refuse to give him that satisfaction ever again. <br />
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The narcissist must always find someone else to blame for his woes. In his mind he is always perfect; therefore it must be someone else's fault- oh heaven forbid if they should ever face reality. That would require a level of maturity that the narcissist is never able to achieve. If you really think about it, it really is sad that the narcissist lives in a world far from reality and can never grow and learn from his own mistakes. Just further evidence that thte narcissist is his worst enermy.Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-39397522654368588432011-05-08T04:04:00.000-07:002011-05-08T04:04:06.210-07:00The Devaluing of OneselfI've been with my boyfriend for about a year. This relationship has been tough- not because it is so awful, but because it is so wonderful. Kind of hard to understand sometimes... You would think after such a horrible relationship and experience with a narcissist, every other relationship should be easier. Sometimes on the contrary- because you have to realize that after being with a narcissist for so long, I really was brainwashed into devaluing myself and to think I just didn't deserve better. Another point to understand is that when you are with a narcissist, drama, insanity, abuse is just expected. So when I was finally in a healthy relationship, the normalcy put me in unfamiliar territory. I sometimes would start fights just because that was easier to deal with then dealing with being normal. I had to later explain to my boyfriend, that I unintentionally start fights because I just expect the worst. So it became a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. <br />
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There are times when there is nothing to question, and nothing out of the ordinary that I just expected the worst. None of it came true this past year. I created my own drama! Eekers! I am still learning to be in this normal relationship. You have to understand that this is very new to me. <br />
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Recovery from the narcissist doesn't end because I physically left the person. Getting them out of your normal day to day thought processes and dealing with life again without this crazy person takes a lot of time and understanding. I struggle day to day with this. Thank goodness my guy is a saint!Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-16280921049396455252011-04-24T22:53:00.000-07:002011-04-25T20:33:01.868-07:00Silence is SO GOLDEN!I haven't written on my blog in a long time. I have been busy with work and building my new house. I've learned to not tell my ex about anything that I do or to give him any hints of what is going on in my life. This drives the narcissist insane. They can't stand it when you refuse to engage. <br />
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So, as it turns out, I kept my mouth shut about my new house and only shared it with the kids. He apparently managed to somehow buy a house... oh the email that I got from him bragging about his house that he put a bid in for and it was accepted made me want to gag. He boasted about how large and beautiful and awesome it was... oh that it was soooo huge and he put in intricate details about size, number of rooms, blah blah blah... The house is the same size as mine and for most of the year it will only be inhabited by me and my boyfriend... whereas he will be in a same size house with SEVEN people. I had to laugh. The ludicrous insinuation that this idiot was making that his house was going to be better than mine... who the f&*( cares. <br />
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My narcissist doesn't seem to get it... I really do not care. I could give a rat's ass - as the saying goes, but he on the other hand has to make it a point to fill me in on the details of his supposed awesome life with his girlfriend... who is still married to husband number three... "for reals???" <br />
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I just keep my mouth shut and laugh in side as he goes on and on about how wonderful he is. And I say to myself... "what a dumbass". Not saying anything and not engaging with him on small talk is the best thing to do. Sometimes it is really hard... like this time, I really wanted to make fun of how he thought his house was so large. I bit my tongue- boy am I full of cliches today... <br />
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So, I guess I am going to take a few minutes to brag about my new house here on my blog- customized house, 2400 square feet, 4 bedrooms, with master bedroom suite. Awesome kitchen with quartz countertops and a bonus room to hang out in :) . So maybe I didn't get to rub it in his face, but I at least got to write about. I love watching our house being built. I love the fact that I am picking things out that are the way I want it and not having to settle for what crazy guy deemed as awesome... because we never had the same taste in anything, but there was no compromising- there was only the "you have no sense in style and what you like looks really bad". When we worked with the designer to tell her what we wanted, colors, etc, she absolutely loved what we were doing. Everything is contemporary and modern. The way I want it... clean lines.. none of this frilly, traditional style for this girl. <br />
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I can't wait to see it when our house is done. Maybe I will be brave and even post a few pictures. Enjoying this time and not sharing in the least with my ex-crazy guy has been wonderful. Who cares what he thinks and besides it really is none of his business how I decide to live my life.<br />
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My little update- turns out he didn't get the house after all and for some reason he told my daughter they weren't moving until the fall. He went all out bragging about stuff and nothing came to fruition... a lot of times with the narcissist you will find that they are just full of hot air. Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-20502682033660778702011-03-23T23:39:00.000-07:002011-03-23T23:39:36.891-07:00Reflecting BackIf someone were to tell me a year ago that I would be in the midst of building my dream house, I would have told them that they were crazy. A year ago, I was in a quagmire, trying to get away from my narcissist and uncertain of how the future would turn out. There were points in my life, where I felt like I would end up in the streets completely ruined. I felt like this person would stop at nothing to destroy me. <br />
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I slowly took back as many ways as I possibly could the ways in which he could hurt me. In doing so, I made it ever so much more difficult for him to come after me. I kept doing what I knew to be right. Life is never quite perfect, but it sure is a lot easier when you are not with someone who works against you and tries to destroy your every happiness. <br />
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I am so very fortunate that today I am happy to report that I have a great job, an awesome and understanding boss, a great boyfriend, and I am delightfully relishing every aspect of picking out the details of my new house. <br />
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Sometimes we can't see that things will get better, but I tend to believe everything happens for a reason. I often wish I never met my narcissist and didn't have it so hard for so many years of dealing with this person. However, in hindsight, my life with my narcissist, has made me a better person. It has taught me to cherish the people who are genuinely good and to run far away from those who have the personality traits of a narcissist. It has taught me to enjoy the good fortunes I have had and to live my life to the fullest. These lessons definitely came with a high price tag, and for that I will take care of them. I can't say that I have any fond memories of my relationship with my narcissit, but I did learn lessons that I am quite fond of. Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-60326373506660749532011-03-21T23:09:00.000-07:002011-03-21T23:09:52.866-07:00Doing things on my termUnfortunately I still have to deal with my narcissist on my regular basis for the kids' sake. However, I have learned to deal with this person on my terms. I don't give into his insane baits of trying to lure me into his drama filled life. I don't offer him that satisfaction. Instead, I have learned the hard way to let him rant and rave and act like he is the king of everything. <br />
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And when he thinks he has had his way, I find clever ways to deal with him- unbeknownst to him. Taking the power of the narcissist away is both the best defense and offense. I stopped trying to reason with this person a long time ago. This is one time when the adage of "never give up" is just plain wrong. Yes, by all means, give up trying to reason with the narcissist. <br />
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Finding the way to deal with the narcissist or just plain, not dealing with him, has been such a better way of dealing with this person. Remember the best revenge is to live the best life you can and not let this person interfere with your happiness. Having fun, laughing, enjoying life- the best way to get even with a narcissist.Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-31935608362567734972011-03-05T22:32:00.000-08:002011-03-05T22:32:38.662-08:00Some Guys Will Always be Bad GuysI sat here tonight reflecting on not just my narcissist, but the other bad relationships I have been in. Why did I have to go through so many horrible relationships to finally wake up and say I just don't deserve this. When I was 22, I was engaged to a brilliant computer software engineer. Charming and gave me so much attention when we first started dating. I resisted falling for him at first, but when I finally did fall for him, all my troubles began. We got engaged after just a few short months of dating. This person lied, and they were so good at it. When he was caught lying about the other two women he was dating, he told more fantastic lies. My self esteem was crushed. This led to a string of bad relationships in which I just told myself I didn't deserve any better. <br />
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I recently got back in touch with this person and at first as usual he was quite charming. He apologized for his behavior and I believed it. I really wanted to believe that even the worst of the male species could be reformed. I was wrong. He again told more and more fantastic lies that didn't add up. <br />
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A Narcissist never changes. They cannot help themselves and yes I truly believe they are wired different from other people. The biggest difference, is their lack of empathy. Everything is about them and they say and do things that bolsters the only person that matters- themselves! <br />
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I wonder how they keep their stories straight. My last narcissist couldn't keep his story straight, but I think my first narcissist was a master at it because he literally is a genius. Such a sad truth, but in dealing with my narcissist, I must always remember that they lack the ability to change, grow, and mature. Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-50294656845095020172011-03-05T20:10:00.000-08:002011-03-05T20:10:46.793-08:00Wanted Smart Successful Women for Extreme AbuseI recently saw a You Tube video about a woman who rode on the hood of a mini van for a whopping 35 MILES! The report was that she got into an altercation with her husband and she tried to stop him from driving off by getting on the hood of their mini van. Well, he took her for the ride of her life and nearly killed her. The police estimated that the wind chill was probably well below freezing and that at times he was going as fast as 100 mph. They also noted that she was a smart, articulate women who was a paralegal. They commented on how intelligent this woman was. He on the other hand had past run-ins with the law for drug related incidences.<br />
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Why is it that these narcissistic men target smart, successful wome??? Time and time again I run across women who share similar stories as mine and we all have one thing in common- we are smart, successful, attractive women. I began to wonder about this and the only conclusion that I can come to, is that they see as a challenge. Because like all other aspects of life, they see their mate not as a partner, but as a reflection of who they want to be and who they want to be associated with. I also think that these type of men are attracted by things that are hard to get or better yet, hard to find. So, to them getting this type of person as a mate, says to the world that they are great... they see us as a trophy to be had.<br />
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Once they have us, they become jealous of us for the very reasons that they fall for us. My ex was always so jealous of my successes at work. He resorted to sabotaging my work. There was one incidence when I had to go to Hawaii for several weeks for my work. He got extremely jealous and even convinced himself that I was having an affair. The week prior to my departure was pure hell. He made all sorts of threats and even put a password on my computer so I could not retrieve a presentation that I had been working on for weeks. He made me pay him $200 to take the password off. I remember being so anxious to get on that plane to get away from him. Once I got to Hawaii, he called me over 50 times a day for several days. I refused to answer any of my calls. After a few days I relented and took his calls. He was convinced that I was having an affair... this coming from the person who used to always tell me that I am lucky to have him because no man would want to be with someone like me.<br />
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Why is it that when it comes to our professional lives, we make wise, intelligent choices? But when it comes to love, we make the decision that makes the least sense? <br />
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The other thing to note about these women that I have met, is that they have the most wonderful, out going personalities. All of these women are kind, caring, and mature and yet for all of our intelligence, we end up with our worst nightmares. <br />
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My girlfriend sat me down in her office one day and looked at me with a stern look. She said in a frank manner, "it is time for a paradigm shift". One of the best advice I have ever gotten and really taken to heart. My current boyfriend, is just awesome and not because he is flashy, or tries to impress people, but because he is just the opposite. He doesn't seek attention, always tells the truth no matter the consequences, and just genuinely wants the best for not only me, but also for us. I had to rethink my entire thought pattern and to really think about what it was that I found to be important. I dated a lot of different people for a while just to figure that out. So many times I met people who presented well, but when more and more layers became revealed, their stories just didn't match up. I did a 180 and walked away from those people. Never again, will I try to make sense of things that just don't make sense. If their story doesn't add up and my intuition says there is something wrong, I listen to my gut instinct. <br />
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When I started dating my boyfriend, I think I was trying to find holes in his story... sometimes maybe a little too hard, just to be proven that I was overreacting time and time again. Although my relationship is not far from perfect, the fact that I have always felt safe from harm has had a huge impact. Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-20031862443589357652011-03-01T00:36:00.000-08:002011-03-01T00:37:00.951-08:00Somethings are Just Not Acceptable AnymoreI've realized that having been through such a tramatic relationship with someone for so long, that I cannot tolerant certain things anymore. One very important thing that makes me run from a relationship is someone who knowingly hurts me. I just cannot tolerate it anymore- nor should I. Why should I compromise being in a relationship where someone doesn't care to consider my feelings. I foolishly did this for ten very long years. I allowed it to happen. So, if I allow it to continue to happen in my future relationships and refuse to learn and grow, I have no one to blame but myself. <br />
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I refuse to be a victim again.Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2762659562724884497.post-6689591039866050412011-02-23T19:38:00.000-08:002011-02-23T23:41:47.442-08:00The Narcissist- his worst enemyI am getting ready to buy a house! I love it! I just put an offer on a house. It's been two years in the making, but I am finally at a point where I can do this. Over ten years, my ex and I had three homes... they were all fixer uppers and not quite what I wanted. If I disagreed on buying a house, I was just an idiot and didn't know what I was talking about. I liked to describe our last house as the "clown house". We paid a lot for a house that was a hodge podge of a fixer upper. I still remember the day we were going to close on this house. The seller had not completed the list of repairs on the house, and I knew the house was a shamble. I still remember to this day, riding to the title company, crying and screaming because I did not want to buy this horrible house. My ex was so hell bent on buying this house despite the fact that we could easily back out of it for a breach of contract on the seller's part. I don't know why I went along with it. Perhaps it was all the threats of what he would do to me if I didn't sign. I felt so paralyzed with fear because I knew what he was capable of to try to hurt me. I signed and lived in this clown house for over two years. <br />
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For two years, I watched in disgust and sometimes in amusement as he went on a home improvement rampage. I hated coming to this clown house. Everyday, on the final turn, I would get physically ill having to drive up this long drive way to the clown house. Projects would be started and never finished. The yard always looked like a construction site. He would "improve" things just to make it worse. <br />
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When he decided to teach me a lesson a few years ago, he decided to leave me and the kids. In his mind, he was going to put on a grandiose show (like he always does) and make my life miserable for a few days until I relented and apologized for behavior he deemed as unfavorable to him. Little did he know that after five years of this nonsensical behavior, I have had it. He took off on me and I refused to answer his phone calls for five days. That following Monday I filed for divorce for the third and final time. I refused to listen to his nonsense anymore and I refused to apology just to make him stop his insane behavior. <br />
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He left me while he was unemployed. He thought he would dump the mortgage, the childcare costs, and everything else, just to teach me a lesson. When push came to shove, I decided continuing to be employed and paying for childcare was more important than paying for the mortgage on a house I hated. <br />
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I asked several times to help me get the house on the market, but he refused. He then proceeded as always to play the victim. Finally I just stopped caring and the house eventually foreclosed. I moved shortly afterwards. <br />
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In the midst of trying to hurt me and "teach me a lesson", he ended up hurting himself. I can't remember the reason why, but only his name was on the promissory note. So, when we got divorced, I made sure my lawyer put in a statement that debt incurred in our name during the marriage, was solely that person's responsibility.<br />
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He ruined his own credit trying to destroy me. How sad that he was that short sighted, immature, and spiteful. The narcissist is truly his worst enemy. By trying to destroy everyone else around him, he fails to realize that he is destroying himself- his reputation, his credit, his happiness....none of that matters to him as long as he gets his way. <br />
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So, today I am celebrating my new found freedom and relishing in the fact that I am no longer fettered by his insanity. If you are the victim of a narcissist, remember, to step back and let them destroy their own lives. Staying calm and not playing into the insanity is the best way to not only protect yourself, but to come out ahead.Soyonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11009903099554132224noreply@blogger.com0