I just got back from a wonderful vacation in my hometown- Los Angeles. The city of Angeles. I love going back to familiar territory. The familiar sounds, the sights, the smells. I especially enjoyed this last trip because I went with my husband. My husband is wonderful- always encouraging me to go out, have fun, meet friends... all things I cherish. If you have never been in a relationship with a narcissist you take these things for granted.
When I was with my narcissist, he first started making superficial, vain excuses to not meet with my friends. At first glance you don't think much of it and rather liken it to an off day that your partner is having. As the years pass, you realize they aren't excuses. They are means of keeping you from your past life.
The entire time I was married to this miserable person, I only had one thanksgiving with one of my close friends. All other holidays, vacations were not shared with any of my friends. And there in lies, the start of distancing you from your friends, your past- losing more ties to people who can help you when they unleash their destruction on your life.
What I deemed as an innocence from the beginning, could not be further from the truth. No excuse had any validity as to why I could not see my friends. When I made new friends, he would find ways to keep me from them. If I wanted to go out for coffee with a girlfriend, I was being selfish not spending time with my family. My narcissist would equate me having friends as me being selfish and only caring for myself. After a few years, the arguments, the attempts as reasoning with insanity, was too much. I lacked the energy to argue my case.
And then without fail, the narcissist would tell me how much of a loser I am for not having any friends. I could never win with this person.
When I left my narcissist, and moved 3000 miles to get away from him, I reconnected with some dear friends. True friends are always there for you no matter how far you stray from them! While on vacation, I visited my childhood friend of 26 years! Saying that out loud makes me feel my age!
The most wonderful part of this entire trip was sharing my past with my husband... the non-narcissist. My narcissist used to tell me that LA was a hell hole and that he would never want to visit there... well geesh, asshole never appreciated anything about me to include where I grew up. And if you don't visit LA with a native, you haven't truly visited LA. His loss, because on this trip, I realized how much fun it was to live in such a great city. We visited Universal Studios, LACMA, the La Brea Tarpits, California Science Museum, Santa Barbara, and sooooooo much more. We also tasted so many wonderful foods that we don't have locally back home.
Narcissists always try to make you feel bad- bad about yourself, your friends, your past- basically every aspect of your life. They break you down at every opportunity. I find it quite ludicrous when I look back that my narcissist who grew up in the back woods of Louisiana, would call LA a hell hole. My narcissist would also criticize something he has never truly tried or truly visited. Visiting a city and sitting in a hotel is not the same. You see my narcissist would visit wonderful cities and then lock himself up in his hotel room. He travelled for work and thought it a bother to venture out.
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist your self esteem is broken by this person's criticisms. In hindsight, you begin to realize just how much of an ignoramus this person is. A narcissist is quite gifted at criticizing something he is quite ignorant of. I think they do this out of fear that people would look down on them for not knowing. Or perhaps they do it to sound like a know-it-all.
So, I titled this blog post as "new beginnings". When you finally leave your narcissist and finally are in a normal relationship, you truly have a New Beginning. With that being said, you take the wisdom from all the hurt, all the destruction, all the chaos and you learn to cherish all the wonderful things a normal relationship brings- and you don't take those things for granted.
Spending time with my childhood friend was wonderful and I couldn't help but to think that if I was still with my ex, I would never have had the opportunity to visit with her. Knowing this, I treasured this latest visit even more.
About Me
- Soyon
- I graduated from one of the most prestigious schools, got my bachelors and masters in engineering, had a promising career, and had wonderful, beautiful children. By all accounts and appearances, it would have appeared for a long time that I had a great, picturesque life, but underneath it all, I was married to someone who was diagnosed as being narcissistic. My nightmare started almost immediately after I married this person who was Jekyl and Hyde. I want to share my experiences and to let you know what I had to sacrifice and do to get away from this person. My journey still continues as I am still working to fully recover from experiencing this person in my life. I don't think anyone ever really recovers from dealing with such a monster.
Showing posts with label Games of a narcissist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Games of a narcissist. Show all posts
Monday, November 19, 2012
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Victim Defendants
Narcissists have this uncanny gift of being able to completely turn off their emotions when they deem the situation warrants it. As I was training to become a volunteer at our local domestic violence organization, I was caught off guard when they talked about "victim defendants". It wasn't because I didn't believe that there could be such a thing, but because I was one... and it struck me that this organization recognized it. Where I moved from- they didn't care about the history of the relationship, but what had happened in the moment... so I am about to share a story that is both hard, embarrassing, and brings lots of sadness.
It all started with my ex pretending to make fake phone calls to our neighbors... He would say on the phone that "I was crazy and that I was abusing them" after one of our many loud arguments. What he would do would press the button for the phone locator- which sounded a lot like a phone ring to pretend that the neighbors were calling our house out of "concern". I would call him on his bluff, tell him that I knew the difference in the ring tone and that I knew for a fact that the neighbors did not have our phone numbers. He would just hurl another childish insult.
Flash forward a few years, and I am now pregnant with twins. My ex was a miserable ass the entire time we were pregnant. He would pick fights just to pick fights with me. I never had a moment of peace. One night he pushed me down to the ground and because of his bizarre behavior for weeks, I called the police out of fear the situation would escalate. Before the police came, he actually went outside and threw water on himself. When the police arrived, he "calmly" told them that I had started the fight and that I had provoked him by throwing water on him. I was completely dumbfounded and the police told me that unless I had marks on me that there was nothing they could do. He stood there and heard all of this. So the next day, he picks another fight with me, and at that point, I told him I was leaving him... his first response was that he was going to kill himself. I told him "go ahead and do us all a favor". I know that sounds heartless, but this wasn't the first time that he said he would "kill himself" in the middle of an argument if I didn't comply with his outlandish needs. That morning, during our argument, he had thrown away my college diplomas, awards, pictures, etc in the trash. This man just could not argue like a normal adult. He would act in bizarre ways. For weeks he had been following me around with a video camera as soon as I got home. It was just relentless.
I just needed to get away from him and go to work. So I took my daughter to school- he calmly watched me put her in the car and drive off. I realized after I dropped her off that I forgot my purse, so I begrudgingly headed back home. As I drove up to my car, I noticed a sheriff's car. He had actually hit himself in the face, trying to get me arrested... now just to recap the situation, I am about five months pregnant with twins and he had heard the night before that there had to be a mark on me for the police to take action. I became completely hysterical... and yet, very eerily he remained calm. I showed them all the things of mine that he had been throwing away and I told them that he calmly watched me put my daughter in the car and drive away. I still remember asking them, "If I am so violent as he claims, why would he watch me drive away with my daughter. If the roles were reversed, I would block the car and keep him from taking my daughter." Luckily that day, the deputies that they sent out were reasonable and realized that his story was full of holes... and yet he insisted on writing a victim's statement "for record". They thought it was bizarre that he insisted on trying to actually get his pregnant wife arrested.
For years, he followed me with a camera to try to bait me into a fight, to try to frame me. He actually followed me around with a camera and caused me so much stress that my water broke. Instead of putting down his camera, he video taped me drive away. He then proceeded to call the sheriff's department and child protective services... stating that I was endangering our unborn children by recklessly driving away with my water broken.
Child protective services and the sheriff's department were always knocking on my door because he would use them as just more pawns to feed his narcissism.
I fought with this system for years- the courts, child protective services, etc. They refused to look at what brought the relationship to this point. Women unfortunately, often become victim defendants... so we get abused twice- once by our perpetrators and again by a flawed system. My ex became quite the master of manipulating the system. He used the system to make false complaints against day care ladies that stood up for me willing to testify. He used the system to make false complaints against teachers and schools that did not comply with his ego. They too were victims.
My children also became victims of the system.
When I finally decided to leave him, he tried his usual pattern of trying to completely make my life chaotic and use the system against me. I refused to give him that luxury. I showed him no emotion and on the phone, I said what I needed to and would hang up. I slowly got rid of as many ways as he could control me with. But that wasn't enough, I had to physically move away from him. I knew if I stayed, he would just try to escalate the situation and would continue to harass me. This person has shown up at my work trying to get my fired in the past. I just could not let him turn my life upside down anymore. So, I left the state. I tried desperately to leave with my children and fought for over two years to try to get my children back with me... but again the system failed me. They refused to look at the entire situation. They completely ignored the fact that he was diagnosed as being a narcissist by a well-respected psychiatrist. All the judge saw was that I moved away and all she could see was that I left the kids behind.
I am happy to see that where I have moved to, there are agencies, law enforcement and legal personnel that recognize that victims often get tangled up as defendants... because they fight back or because they just have had enough and snap. The local domestic violence agency actually goes out to the jails, to try to find these victim defendants. I wish these people were in the state that I was in when I was going through the chaos.
There were people here and there that recognized him for who he was... the guardian ad litem appointed by the court, some of his co-workers, and some of the social workers... unfortunately they were out-ruled by their supervisors. What struck all of them as odd was how "calm" he remained and how he wanted me to get in trouble and suffer. These are not the behavior of a normal person. Normal people do not want their spouses to get in trouble and suffer for things they did not do... normal people do not act calm after a heated argument when the police arrive.
It all started with my ex pretending to make fake phone calls to our neighbors... He would say on the phone that "I was crazy and that I was abusing them" after one of our many loud arguments. What he would do would press the button for the phone locator- which sounded a lot like a phone ring to pretend that the neighbors were calling our house out of "concern". I would call him on his bluff, tell him that I knew the difference in the ring tone and that I knew for a fact that the neighbors did not have our phone numbers. He would just hurl another childish insult.
Flash forward a few years, and I am now pregnant with twins. My ex was a miserable ass the entire time we were pregnant. He would pick fights just to pick fights with me. I never had a moment of peace. One night he pushed me down to the ground and because of his bizarre behavior for weeks, I called the police out of fear the situation would escalate. Before the police came, he actually went outside and threw water on himself. When the police arrived, he "calmly" told them that I had started the fight and that I had provoked him by throwing water on him. I was completely dumbfounded and the police told me that unless I had marks on me that there was nothing they could do. He stood there and heard all of this. So the next day, he picks another fight with me, and at that point, I told him I was leaving him... his first response was that he was going to kill himself. I told him "go ahead and do us all a favor". I know that sounds heartless, but this wasn't the first time that he said he would "kill himself" in the middle of an argument if I didn't comply with his outlandish needs. That morning, during our argument, he had thrown away my college diplomas, awards, pictures, etc in the trash. This man just could not argue like a normal adult. He would act in bizarre ways. For weeks he had been following me around with a video camera as soon as I got home. It was just relentless.
I just needed to get away from him and go to work. So I took my daughter to school- he calmly watched me put her in the car and drive off. I realized after I dropped her off that I forgot my purse, so I begrudgingly headed back home. As I drove up to my car, I noticed a sheriff's car. He had actually hit himself in the face, trying to get me arrested... now just to recap the situation, I am about five months pregnant with twins and he had heard the night before that there had to be a mark on me for the police to take action. I became completely hysterical... and yet, very eerily he remained calm. I showed them all the things of mine that he had been throwing away and I told them that he calmly watched me put my daughter in the car and drive away. I still remember asking them, "If I am so violent as he claims, why would he watch me drive away with my daughter. If the roles were reversed, I would block the car and keep him from taking my daughter." Luckily that day, the deputies that they sent out were reasonable and realized that his story was full of holes... and yet he insisted on writing a victim's statement "for record". They thought it was bizarre that he insisted on trying to actually get his pregnant wife arrested.
For years, he followed me with a camera to try to bait me into a fight, to try to frame me. He actually followed me around with a camera and caused me so much stress that my water broke. Instead of putting down his camera, he video taped me drive away. He then proceeded to call the sheriff's department and child protective services... stating that I was endangering our unborn children by recklessly driving away with my water broken.
Child protective services and the sheriff's department were always knocking on my door because he would use them as just more pawns to feed his narcissism.
I fought with this system for years- the courts, child protective services, etc. They refused to look at what brought the relationship to this point. Women unfortunately, often become victim defendants... so we get abused twice- once by our perpetrators and again by a flawed system. My ex became quite the master of manipulating the system. He used the system to make false complaints against day care ladies that stood up for me willing to testify. He used the system to make false complaints against teachers and schools that did not comply with his ego. They too were victims.
My children also became victims of the system.
When I finally decided to leave him, he tried his usual pattern of trying to completely make my life chaotic and use the system against me. I refused to give him that luxury. I showed him no emotion and on the phone, I said what I needed to and would hang up. I slowly got rid of as many ways as he could control me with. But that wasn't enough, I had to physically move away from him. I knew if I stayed, he would just try to escalate the situation and would continue to harass me. This person has shown up at my work trying to get my fired in the past. I just could not let him turn my life upside down anymore. So, I left the state. I tried desperately to leave with my children and fought for over two years to try to get my children back with me... but again the system failed me. They refused to look at the entire situation. They completely ignored the fact that he was diagnosed as being a narcissist by a well-respected psychiatrist. All the judge saw was that I moved away and all she could see was that I left the kids behind.
I am happy to see that where I have moved to, there are agencies, law enforcement and legal personnel that recognize that victims often get tangled up as defendants... because they fight back or because they just have had enough and snap. The local domestic violence agency actually goes out to the jails, to try to find these victim defendants. I wish these people were in the state that I was in when I was going through the chaos.
There were people here and there that recognized him for who he was... the guardian ad litem appointed by the court, some of his co-workers, and some of the social workers... unfortunately they were out-ruled by their supervisors. What struck all of them as odd was how "calm" he remained and how he wanted me to get in trouble and suffer. These are not the behavior of a normal person. Normal people do not want their spouses to get in trouble and suffer for things they did not do... normal people do not act calm after a heated argument when the police arrive.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Childish Games
My narcissist and I have children together and we had a decade long relationship. You would think that two professionals in such a situation would have no time for childish games. Why do narcissists insist on engaging in childish games?
My ex would play head games with me for weeks and then when I finally had it and told him I wanted to leave him the games would get worse. It always started with him suddenly in dire need of attention. For example he would miraculously pass out from the stress, he would get results from the doctor that indicated he 'might' have cancer or he would all of a sudden become suicidal because he couldn't live without me. For the first few years I would fall for it because I had empathy. But after about five years I got sick of his sudden drama and hypochondriac loathsome self. So I would then just resort to mocking him or calling him on his bluff. This only angered him and his twisted brain would concoct some other ludicrous way to get my attention. This was all it was....a way to get my attention. Because whether it was good or bad attention the narcissist got what he craved...my attention.
I was reminded that this is what all narcissists crave this week. A lady found my Facebook page and I was happy to see that sharing my experiences had helped her. Unfortunately for her, her ex found her posts and started to put his own posts on my page. How pathetic that he could not allow her to have anything of hers unblemished with his ugly presence. This brought back a wave of terrible memories of childish games my ex played on me. So here are a few:
1. He used my email address of ten years to sign me of fir every kind of junk email. So I would get emails that started out with "dear james". It was his way of letting me know he existed.
2. He put a key logger on my personal laptop to spy on me.
3. He put a password on my personal laptop then made me pay him $200 to take it off.
4. He would turn off my cellphone service if I didn't comply with his demands. Five years and five different numbers. I have had the same number for the last three years since leaving him!
There are so many more that I could share...the point is that these narcissists have no boundaries in their quest to get the attention of their victims.
I learned the hard way to keep my life hidden as much as possible from this crazy person. I try to never divulge more than I have to. He still tries his hardest to find out what I am up to via Facebook, Internet searches of me and my friends, etc. My boyfriend is a very open person and kept his Facebook open so everyone could see his wall. For months my ex would comment on every little post or picture he could find. I finally had to ask my boyfriend to hide his posts. It is unfortunate but those close to us also need to take precautions to not get entangled and ensnared in the crazy world of the narcissist.
I take precautions daily to keep the craziness our of my life. For instance I tell the kids I am going on vacation but never the location or exact dates. Or I just plain fib about what I am up to. I hate doing it but it is how I keep myself safe.
The boundless energy of the narcissist...I wish I could just wish it away. *sigh*
My ex would play head games with me for weeks and then when I finally had it and told him I wanted to leave him the games would get worse. It always started with him suddenly in dire need of attention. For example he would miraculously pass out from the stress, he would get results from the doctor that indicated he 'might' have cancer or he would all of a sudden become suicidal because he couldn't live without me. For the first few years I would fall for it because I had empathy. But after about five years I got sick of his sudden drama and hypochondriac loathsome self. So I would then just resort to mocking him or calling him on his bluff. This only angered him and his twisted brain would concoct some other ludicrous way to get my attention. This was all it was....a way to get my attention. Because whether it was good or bad attention the narcissist got what he craved...my attention.
I was reminded that this is what all narcissists crave this week. A lady found my Facebook page and I was happy to see that sharing my experiences had helped her. Unfortunately for her, her ex found her posts and started to put his own posts on my page. How pathetic that he could not allow her to have anything of hers unblemished with his ugly presence. This brought back a wave of terrible memories of childish games my ex played on me. So here are a few:
1. He used my email address of ten years to sign me of fir every kind of junk email. So I would get emails that started out with "dear james". It was his way of letting me know he existed.
2. He put a key logger on my personal laptop to spy on me.
3. He put a password on my personal laptop then made me pay him $200 to take it off.
4. He would turn off my cellphone service if I didn't comply with his demands. Five years and five different numbers. I have had the same number for the last three years since leaving him!
There are so many more that I could share...the point is that these narcissists have no boundaries in their quest to get the attention of their victims.
I learned the hard way to keep my life hidden as much as possible from this crazy person. I try to never divulge more than I have to. He still tries his hardest to find out what I am up to via Facebook, Internet searches of me and my friends, etc. My boyfriend is a very open person and kept his Facebook open so everyone could see his wall. For months my ex would comment on every little post or picture he could find. I finally had to ask my boyfriend to hide his posts. It is unfortunate but those close to us also need to take precautions to not get entangled and ensnared in the crazy world of the narcissist.
I take precautions daily to keep the craziness our of my life. For instance I tell the kids I am going on vacation but never the location or exact dates. Or I just plain fib about what I am up to. I hate doing it but it is how I keep myself safe.
The boundless energy of the narcissist...I wish I could just wish it away. *sigh*
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