About Me
- Soyon
- I graduated from one of the most prestigious schools, got my bachelors and masters in engineering, had a promising career, and had wonderful, beautiful children. By all accounts and appearances, it would have appeared for a long time that I had a great, picturesque life, but underneath it all, I was married to someone who was diagnosed as being narcissistic. My nightmare started almost immediately after I married this person who was Jekyl and Hyde. I want to share my experiences and to let you know what I had to sacrifice and do to get away from this person. My journey still continues as I am still working to fully recover from experiencing this person in my life. I don't think anyone ever really recovers from dealing with such a monster.
Showing posts with label dealing with narcissism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dealing with narcissism. Show all posts
Saturday, July 20, 2013
The Pathetic Coward
Now that I see the narcissist for what he really is... I often find myself saying things like, "what an idiot", "whatever", "dork", "get a life"... it's amazing all the stupidity I was blind to when I was with this man. I see now that I have moved on and in a wonderful relationship, just how petty and jealous this man is.
What has been the most inspirational these last few years, is that I have debunked all the nasty insults he used to throw at me. His favorite was to tell me that 'no man will touch you with a ten foot pole'. I am happy to report that I am in a loving relationship with a man who completely adores me. For the first time in my life, I feel completely loved and cherished- the way love is supposed to feel and be. This irks the narcissist more than anything- to see me in a successful relationship. Why? Because he just cannot stand to see me happy.
Everything to him is kept on a scorecard that only resides in his own mind and only makes sense to the narcissist. The happier I am, the more he ups his game to harass and irritate me. Because misery loves company and he wants me to join in his misery.
I have the kids during the summer and I blessed to be surrounded by loving friends and families. We have a plethora of events and fun activities for them. Even his own kids' happiness makes him miserable. He takes little jabs at me and my friends to try to be a nuisance all summer. It amazes me the number of emails he writes while they are with me.
When they are with me, 3000 miles away, he loses what he prizes most of all- CONTROL. So, for him, his harassing emails and phone calls are just a means to try to get back this control. But I refuse- I refuse to give this buffoon anymore control. He will not have control over my happiness and he will not have control of our summers together.
The kids thrive and so many adventures with their friends and family. Unfortunately, this makes the miserable narcissist turn into the deviant, coward. He turns to his old ways of trying to bait me into fights and to try to weasel himself into every situation.
When I stand back and look at this, I just see a pathetic coward- instead of enjoying his summer with his new bride, he wallows in his misery, scheming to create drama and chaos in our lives.
I have taken away just about every means that he has of ever controlling or hurting me... the only thing left are the kids and even they are not immune to his erratic, nonsense behavior.
Cowards are the ones who can never be happy for someone else's happiness or just to let it go. My ex still stalks me on the internet- he sits at his computer for hours trying to gathered information on my in-laws, my friends, my work, anything he can get his hands on. How sad to be consumed with someone else's life. What a waste of life.
For me, I channel his negativity into writing these blogs to share with others. I use these lessons learned to try to help others understand.
Monday, November 19, 2012
New Beginnings
I just got back from a wonderful vacation in my hometown- Los Angeles. The city of Angeles. I love going back to familiar territory. The familiar sounds, the sights, the smells. I especially enjoyed this last trip because I went with my husband. My husband is wonderful- always encouraging me to go out, have fun, meet friends... all things I cherish. If you have never been in a relationship with a narcissist you take these things for granted.
When I was with my narcissist, he first started making superficial, vain excuses to not meet with my friends. At first glance you don't think much of it and rather liken it to an off day that your partner is having. As the years pass, you realize they aren't excuses. They are means of keeping you from your past life.
The entire time I was married to this miserable person, I only had one thanksgiving with one of my close friends. All other holidays, vacations were not shared with any of my friends. And there in lies, the start of distancing you from your friends, your past- losing more ties to people who can help you when they unleash their destruction on your life.
What I deemed as an innocence from the beginning, could not be further from the truth. No excuse had any validity as to why I could not see my friends. When I made new friends, he would find ways to keep me from them. If I wanted to go out for coffee with a girlfriend, I was being selfish not spending time with my family. My narcissist would equate me having friends as me being selfish and only caring for myself. After a few years, the arguments, the attempts as reasoning with insanity, was too much. I lacked the energy to argue my case.
And then without fail, the narcissist would tell me how much of a loser I am for not having any friends. I could never win with this person.
When I left my narcissist, and moved 3000 miles to get away from him, I reconnected with some dear friends. True friends are always there for you no matter how far you stray from them! While on vacation, I visited my childhood friend of 26 years! Saying that out loud makes me feel my age!
The most wonderful part of this entire trip was sharing my past with my husband... the non-narcissist. My narcissist used to tell me that LA was a hell hole and that he would never want to visit there... well geesh, asshole never appreciated anything about me to include where I grew up. And if you don't visit LA with a native, you haven't truly visited LA. His loss, because on this trip, I realized how much fun it was to live in such a great city. We visited Universal Studios, LACMA, the La Brea Tarpits, California Science Museum, Santa Barbara, and sooooooo much more. We also tasted so many wonderful foods that we don't have locally back home.
Narcissists always try to make you feel bad- bad about yourself, your friends, your past- basically every aspect of your life. They break you down at every opportunity. I find it quite ludicrous when I look back that my narcissist who grew up in the back woods of Louisiana, would call LA a hell hole. My narcissist would also criticize something he has never truly tried or truly visited. Visiting a city and sitting in a hotel is not the same. You see my narcissist would visit wonderful cities and then lock himself up in his hotel room. He travelled for work and thought it a bother to venture out.
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist your self esteem is broken by this person's criticisms. In hindsight, you begin to realize just how much of an ignoramus this person is. A narcissist is quite gifted at criticizing something he is quite ignorant of. I think they do this out of fear that people would look down on them for not knowing. Or perhaps they do it to sound like a know-it-all.
So, I titled this blog post as "new beginnings". When you finally leave your narcissist and finally are in a normal relationship, you truly have a New Beginning. With that being said, you take the wisdom from all the hurt, all the destruction, all the chaos and you learn to cherish all the wonderful things a normal relationship brings- and you don't take those things for granted.
Spending time with my childhood friend was wonderful and I couldn't help but to think that if I was still with my ex, I would never have had the opportunity to visit with her. Knowing this, I treasured this latest visit even more.
When I was with my narcissist, he first started making superficial, vain excuses to not meet with my friends. At first glance you don't think much of it and rather liken it to an off day that your partner is having. As the years pass, you realize they aren't excuses. They are means of keeping you from your past life.
The entire time I was married to this miserable person, I only had one thanksgiving with one of my close friends. All other holidays, vacations were not shared with any of my friends. And there in lies, the start of distancing you from your friends, your past- losing more ties to people who can help you when they unleash their destruction on your life.
What I deemed as an innocence from the beginning, could not be further from the truth. No excuse had any validity as to why I could not see my friends. When I made new friends, he would find ways to keep me from them. If I wanted to go out for coffee with a girlfriend, I was being selfish not spending time with my family. My narcissist would equate me having friends as me being selfish and only caring for myself. After a few years, the arguments, the attempts as reasoning with insanity, was too much. I lacked the energy to argue my case.
And then without fail, the narcissist would tell me how much of a loser I am for not having any friends. I could never win with this person.
When I left my narcissist, and moved 3000 miles to get away from him, I reconnected with some dear friends. True friends are always there for you no matter how far you stray from them! While on vacation, I visited my childhood friend of 26 years! Saying that out loud makes me feel my age!
The most wonderful part of this entire trip was sharing my past with my husband... the non-narcissist. My narcissist used to tell me that LA was a hell hole and that he would never want to visit there... well geesh, asshole never appreciated anything about me to include where I grew up. And if you don't visit LA with a native, you haven't truly visited LA. His loss, because on this trip, I realized how much fun it was to live in such a great city. We visited Universal Studios, LACMA, the La Brea Tarpits, California Science Museum, Santa Barbara, and sooooooo much more. We also tasted so many wonderful foods that we don't have locally back home.
Narcissists always try to make you feel bad- bad about yourself, your friends, your past- basically every aspect of your life. They break you down at every opportunity. I find it quite ludicrous when I look back that my narcissist who grew up in the back woods of Louisiana, would call LA a hell hole. My narcissist would also criticize something he has never truly tried or truly visited. Visiting a city and sitting in a hotel is not the same. You see my narcissist would visit wonderful cities and then lock himself up in his hotel room. He travelled for work and thought it a bother to venture out.
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist your self esteem is broken by this person's criticisms. In hindsight, you begin to realize just how much of an ignoramus this person is. A narcissist is quite gifted at criticizing something he is quite ignorant of. I think they do this out of fear that people would look down on them for not knowing. Or perhaps they do it to sound like a know-it-all.
So, I titled this blog post as "new beginnings". When you finally leave your narcissist and finally are in a normal relationship, you truly have a New Beginning. With that being said, you take the wisdom from all the hurt, all the destruction, all the chaos and you learn to cherish all the wonderful things a normal relationship brings- and you don't take those things for granted.
Spending time with my childhood friend was wonderful and I couldn't help but to think that if I was still with my ex, I would never have had the opportunity to visit with her. Knowing this, I treasured this latest visit even more.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Crossroads
It's been a while since I posted anything onto my blog. Yesterday was an interesting day where two new people in my life started asking me personal questions about my kids and why they aren't with me. Still to this day it is a little difficult to talk about, but I always do my best to put on a good front.
This post is called "crossroads" because I wanted to write this morning about the crossroads that we endure as victims of narcissists. Many of us have faced so many injustices from them and we expend so much energy trying to make it right, trying to make others see the truth about them, but for most of us, in the end, we are the ones often left broken, left to pick up the pieces, left exhausted.
I fought for over two years a losing battle with a court system that refused to let me enter a psychological evaluation that showed that he was narcissistic and it plainly stated that he "should never have custody of the children". They deemed it as being too old. As most of us well know, that a narcissist never changes. So, labelling a "narcissist" label as being outdated, is just plain wrong.
For two years I dealt with a master manipulator, who at every turn would try to turn my life upside down. In the midst of it, he tried to embezzle over $15K from me. I had the evidence to show to the court and yet they didn't think it was that big of a deal. This person managed to turn my life upside down for two months from almost three-thousand miles away, and it isn't a big deal?
The parent evaluator never talked to the day care workers that he threatened and harassed on a regular basis. They didn't talk to the teachers he got fired from multiple schools by making up false allegations.
So after spending over $20,000 in lawyer fees plus travel costs, court costs, parenting evaluation costs, I just said enough is enough. This was my crossroads. I decided to save my sanity, go on with my life, and enjoy my time with my kids drama free. I get them just about every single holiday and we get to go on some fantastic adventures and yes I pay a lot of money in child support, but I saved myself in the long run.
Being 1000s of miles away, not running into him on a regular basis, not switching the kids around every two weeks, no harassment at my workplace, and new beginnings without the crazy guy lurking in the background. So I traded in a decade of drama, to save my own sanity. Some could say that I am a horrible mother, that I abandoned my children, but those are the people that know nothing about me. My children can still opt to live with me when they turn twelve and I get to see them for longer periods of time without dealingw ith my ex. Leaving them with him during the school year was hard, but staying would have been disastrous. I could not imagine being back there to have him stalk me on a regular basis again. This is a person that drove by my work, showed up at work to make a scene, put key loggers on my computer, would have other people follow me around, would do anything to pick a fight with me and then turn right around and make fantastic lies.
Victims of narcissists all face this crossroad. Do I stay and fight for what is right, or do I relent and go on with my life? When one party has an enormous amount of energy at seeking to make your absolutely miserable at any cost, you have to wonder, is it worth it in the end?
Life goes on. Life is short. Wasting more energy on a crazy person is just not worth it to me. I would rather go on vacation than pay another ridiculous amount of money to the lawyers. I would rather go on vacation with my kids. I would rather be happy, content and at peace than to deal with this person anymore. I look upon my time with my ex with sadness, unhappy thoughts and there are very rare glimpses of fondess that I remember. The drama began from the beginning and still continues. But I limit how much it affects me.
I don't dare give this person anymore of my attention than he deserves. He doesn't have the privilege of ever seeing any more of my emotions. In our brief exchanges I remain ever so stoic, and refuse to give this person anymore of myself. He doesn't deserve me, and I don't deserve to be his punching bag anymore.
This post is called "crossroads" because I wanted to write this morning about the crossroads that we endure as victims of narcissists. Many of us have faced so many injustices from them and we expend so much energy trying to make it right, trying to make others see the truth about them, but for most of us, in the end, we are the ones often left broken, left to pick up the pieces, left exhausted.
I fought for over two years a losing battle with a court system that refused to let me enter a psychological evaluation that showed that he was narcissistic and it plainly stated that he "should never have custody of the children". They deemed it as being too old. As most of us well know, that a narcissist never changes. So, labelling a "narcissist" label as being outdated, is just plain wrong.
For two years I dealt with a master manipulator, who at every turn would try to turn my life upside down. In the midst of it, he tried to embezzle over $15K from me. I had the evidence to show to the court and yet they didn't think it was that big of a deal. This person managed to turn my life upside down for two months from almost three-thousand miles away, and it isn't a big deal?
The parent evaluator never talked to the day care workers that he threatened and harassed on a regular basis. They didn't talk to the teachers he got fired from multiple schools by making up false allegations.
So after spending over $20,000 in lawyer fees plus travel costs, court costs, parenting evaluation costs, I just said enough is enough. This was my crossroads. I decided to save my sanity, go on with my life, and enjoy my time with my kids drama free. I get them just about every single holiday and we get to go on some fantastic adventures and yes I pay a lot of money in child support, but I saved myself in the long run.
Being 1000s of miles away, not running into him on a regular basis, not switching the kids around every two weeks, no harassment at my workplace, and new beginnings without the crazy guy lurking in the background. So I traded in a decade of drama, to save my own sanity. Some could say that I am a horrible mother, that I abandoned my children, but those are the people that know nothing about me. My children can still opt to live with me when they turn twelve and I get to see them for longer periods of time without dealingw ith my ex. Leaving them with him during the school year was hard, but staying would have been disastrous. I could not imagine being back there to have him stalk me on a regular basis again. This is a person that drove by my work, showed up at work to make a scene, put key loggers on my computer, would have other people follow me around, would do anything to pick a fight with me and then turn right around and make fantastic lies.
Victims of narcissists all face this crossroad. Do I stay and fight for what is right, or do I relent and go on with my life? When one party has an enormous amount of energy at seeking to make your absolutely miserable at any cost, you have to wonder, is it worth it in the end?
Life goes on. Life is short. Wasting more energy on a crazy person is just not worth it to me. I would rather go on vacation than pay another ridiculous amount of money to the lawyers. I would rather go on vacation with my kids. I would rather be happy, content and at peace than to deal with this person anymore. I look upon my time with my ex with sadness, unhappy thoughts and there are very rare glimpses of fondess that I remember. The drama began from the beginning and still continues. But I limit how much it affects me.
I don't dare give this person anymore of my attention than he deserves. He doesn't have the privilege of ever seeing any more of my emotions. In our brief exchanges I remain ever so stoic, and refuse to give this person anymore of myself. He doesn't deserve me, and I don't deserve to be his punching bag anymore.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
PTSD
First of all, I highly recommend getting a therapist if you are or have dealt with a narcissist. My therapy time was in many ways my safe time. No one to answer to, no one asking me "why did you stay with him for so long?" or making comments like- "well you are the one who married him". I had a wonderful therapist and I would really like to find another one, but the thought of having to revisit old wounds and tell the story again, just seems to painful right now. So I have just let this one slide, but I think it would do me some good. One of the things my last therapist explained was that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of everything I have been through. I didn't want to believe it... I just thought I would go through normal depression issues like anyone in my situation would. It wasn't until I moved away from my ex that I discovered exactly what she was talking about.
As I was unpacking my things, I found a rather large number of Glad Plug-ins. My ex was obsessed with these things. Insisted on putting them everywhere. So, out of habit, I started to plug them into my new apartment. It was like I was a robot, trained to always stick these things into every open outlet. A few minutes later, I wanted to vomit from the smell and I felt dizzy. I had to immediately go unplug them, throw them in the dumpster and lay down. And then there it was, I realized that I really did have PTSD. Many times when you go through a relationship with a narcissist, it is so traumatic, that like the battle-weary soldier, there will be certain things that trigger your memory of the trauma caused by the narcissist.
I get angry sometimes when I think about all the invisible scars this person has left on my emotional and mental well-being.
So, here I am nearly three years after I left crazy guy, and I am finally in my new house. I used to hate going home to my ex because it was just plain unpleasant... all the insults, all the criticism, all the tension, all the stress... this summer I made the unfortunate decision to allow my boyfriend's mother to come and watch my kids. Ugh, what a horrible idea this was... Mothers- so many seem to have a hard time realizing that their little boys are grown up and they are no longer in charge. So, as we moved into our new house, this women had an opinion about everything- "if it were me, I would... blah blah blah". She also disapproves of something I do on a regular basis and instead of just saying it, she walks away shaking her head visibly in disgust. Now mind you, she is for the most part great with my kids and I am sure that she means well. I also think that she walks away shaking her head visibly biting her tongue because she realizes that it is better to not say anything. For weeks though, I have dreaded coming home to listen to another "if it were me" statement in regards to how she would decorate the house... my house is very contemporary. Her house is anything but contemporary, so I try to ignore these statements. I have also dreaded coming home to just have her walk away from me for her daily disapproval...
After a few weeks of this, I blew up. I went into a yelling tirade with my boyfriend... he just looked at me in bewilderment. It took me a few days to realize, that when I come home, I have to be in a peaceful, environment. This woman, was making my home life unbearable, and it reminded me all too much of the same feeling I had when I would come home to my ex.
My boyfriend was very sweet- he told his mom that he would take a few days off to spend some time with the kids and relieved her of watching the kids the rest of the week. This has given me a reprieve for about four days to de-stress and have some peace. It has been rather pleasant... no more tip-toeing around my own house.
Just because you finish dealing with your narcissist, doesn't necessarily mean that your heart, soul, and brain are ready to move on. I am still a disciple of learning to understand where my source of pain, frustration, and anger comes from sometimes... sometimes it is just a plain struggle to realize that you really aren't as angry at the situation, but that it really just reminds you of something you had to deal with crazy guy. Also, just no longer being around their delusion, and living in complete reality again- this too is not an easy task... when you are with the narcissist for so long, they tend to brainwash you. Detoxifying yourself from all that nonsense they fed you, takes time. Learning to take care of yourself first and not taking care of the latest drama that your narcissist through at you... this too is an art. I don't have the answers, nor will I have them all. I think it is time for me to get another good therapist to help me get through this phase of my recovery. These are just the thoughts going through my head as of late.
As I was unpacking my things, I found a rather large number of Glad Plug-ins. My ex was obsessed with these things. Insisted on putting them everywhere. So, out of habit, I started to plug them into my new apartment. It was like I was a robot, trained to always stick these things into every open outlet. A few minutes later, I wanted to vomit from the smell and I felt dizzy. I had to immediately go unplug them, throw them in the dumpster and lay down. And then there it was, I realized that I really did have PTSD. Many times when you go through a relationship with a narcissist, it is so traumatic, that like the battle-weary soldier, there will be certain things that trigger your memory of the trauma caused by the narcissist.
I get angry sometimes when I think about all the invisible scars this person has left on my emotional and mental well-being.
So, here I am nearly three years after I left crazy guy, and I am finally in my new house. I used to hate going home to my ex because it was just plain unpleasant... all the insults, all the criticism, all the tension, all the stress... this summer I made the unfortunate decision to allow my boyfriend's mother to come and watch my kids. Ugh, what a horrible idea this was... Mothers- so many seem to have a hard time realizing that their little boys are grown up and they are no longer in charge. So, as we moved into our new house, this women had an opinion about everything- "if it were me, I would... blah blah blah". She also disapproves of something I do on a regular basis and instead of just saying it, she walks away shaking her head visibly in disgust. Now mind you, she is for the most part great with my kids and I am sure that she means well. I also think that she walks away shaking her head visibly biting her tongue because she realizes that it is better to not say anything. For weeks though, I have dreaded coming home to listen to another "if it were me" statement in regards to how she would decorate the house... my house is very contemporary. Her house is anything but contemporary, so I try to ignore these statements. I have also dreaded coming home to just have her walk away from me for her daily disapproval...
After a few weeks of this, I blew up. I went into a yelling tirade with my boyfriend... he just looked at me in bewilderment. It took me a few days to realize, that when I come home, I have to be in a peaceful, environment. This woman, was making my home life unbearable, and it reminded me all too much of the same feeling I had when I would come home to my ex.
My boyfriend was very sweet- he told his mom that he would take a few days off to spend some time with the kids and relieved her of watching the kids the rest of the week. This has given me a reprieve for about four days to de-stress and have some peace. It has been rather pleasant... no more tip-toeing around my own house.
Just because you finish dealing with your narcissist, doesn't necessarily mean that your heart, soul, and brain are ready to move on. I am still a disciple of learning to understand where my source of pain, frustration, and anger comes from sometimes... sometimes it is just a plain struggle to realize that you really aren't as angry at the situation, but that it really just reminds you of something you had to deal with crazy guy. Also, just no longer being around their delusion, and living in complete reality again- this too is not an easy task... when you are with the narcissist for so long, they tend to brainwash you. Detoxifying yourself from all that nonsense they fed you, takes time. Learning to take care of yourself first and not taking care of the latest drama that your narcissist through at you... this too is an art. I don't have the answers, nor will I have them all. I think it is time for me to get another good therapist to help me get through this phase of my recovery. These are just the thoughts going through my head as of late.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I checked an email from crazy guy today and true to his label, he made another crazy insinuation. So apparently him not being able to buy his house was somehow my fault... hahaha... I have to laugh because I moved three thousand miles to get away from nut case and he still seems to find the energy to blame me... so apparently moving will cause a disruption in where the kids will attend school and he is afraid that I will some how "litigate" him for moving the kids to a different a school... EXCEPT.... wait a minute crazy guy logic- you forgot that we moved when we were married and our daughter got to stay in the same school because she has special needs...
Why do I share this story.... only because it just goes to show you how logic fails the narcissist... perhaps you crazy nut case you can't buy your house because you insisted on foreclosing our house to "teach me a lesson".... except it was karma... the mortgage was solely in your name... so you shot yourself in the foot... all I have to say... what a DUMBASS! What goes around comes around.
I love how these narcissists think that they can just keep spewing their vile, irrational BS and that they think somehow they will remain immune to it forever.
Why did my crazy ex try to point the finger at me for his latest misgivings??? I think it is because he would rather lie, rant, and blame others then to face the truth of the whole matter... I want to say to him "you screwed up by trying to hurt me... in the end you only hurt yourself. I hope you learned your lesson, but I know better. You will never learn from your mistakes because somehow in your irraitonal mind you found yet another way to blame me for all your misery and your horrible life. So now you are embarrassed and you feel that you must blame me yet again... except I am no longer your punching bag. I got away from you for a reason- think about that while."
I started writing an email in which I pointed out the fact that not being able to buy his house was due to his poor choices and a few other lines where I wanted to rub it in his face... in the end, I erased all those lines and wrote an emotionless response to his email- which I am sure he will find a way to try to pick a fight with me- I refuse to give him that satisfaction ever again.
The narcissist must always find someone else to blame for his woes. In his mind he is always perfect; therefore it must be someone else's fault- oh heaven forbid if they should ever face reality. That would require a level of maturity that the narcissist is never able to achieve. If you really think about it, it really is sad that the narcissist lives in a world far from reality and can never grow and learn from his own mistakes. Just further evidence that thte narcissist is his worst enermy.
Why do I share this story.... only because it just goes to show you how logic fails the narcissist... perhaps you crazy nut case you can't buy your house because you insisted on foreclosing our house to "teach me a lesson".... except it was karma... the mortgage was solely in your name... so you shot yourself in the foot... all I have to say... what a DUMBASS! What goes around comes around.
I love how these narcissists think that they can just keep spewing their vile, irrational BS and that they think somehow they will remain immune to it forever.
Why did my crazy ex try to point the finger at me for his latest misgivings??? I think it is because he would rather lie, rant, and blame others then to face the truth of the whole matter... I want to say to him "you screwed up by trying to hurt me... in the end you only hurt yourself. I hope you learned your lesson, but I know better. You will never learn from your mistakes because somehow in your irraitonal mind you found yet another way to blame me for all your misery and your horrible life. So now you are embarrassed and you feel that you must blame me yet again... except I am no longer your punching bag. I got away from you for a reason- think about that while."
I started writing an email in which I pointed out the fact that not being able to buy his house was due to his poor choices and a few other lines where I wanted to rub it in his face... in the end, I erased all those lines and wrote an emotionless response to his email- which I am sure he will find a way to try to pick a fight with me- I refuse to give him that satisfaction ever again.
The narcissist must always find someone else to blame for his woes. In his mind he is always perfect; therefore it must be someone else's fault- oh heaven forbid if they should ever face reality. That would require a level of maturity that the narcissist is never able to achieve. If you really think about it, it really is sad that the narcissist lives in a world far from reality and can never grow and learn from his own mistakes. Just further evidence that thte narcissist is his worst enermy.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Silence is SO GOLDEN!
I haven't written on my blog in a long time. I have been busy with work and building my new house. I've learned to not tell my ex about anything that I do or to give him any hints of what is going on in my life. This drives the narcissist insane. They can't stand it when you refuse to engage.
So, as it turns out, I kept my mouth shut about my new house and only shared it with the kids. He apparently managed to somehow buy a house... oh the email that I got from him bragging about his house that he put a bid in for and it was accepted made me want to gag. He boasted about how large and beautiful and awesome it was... oh that it was soooo huge and he put in intricate details about size, number of rooms, blah blah blah... The house is the same size as mine and for most of the year it will only be inhabited by me and my boyfriend... whereas he will be in a same size house with SEVEN people. I had to laugh. The ludicrous insinuation that this idiot was making that his house was going to be better than mine... who the f&*( cares.
My narcissist doesn't seem to get it... I really do not care. I could give a rat's ass - as the saying goes, but he on the other hand has to make it a point to fill me in on the details of his supposed awesome life with his girlfriend... who is still married to husband number three... "for reals???"
I just keep my mouth shut and laugh in side as he goes on and on about how wonderful he is. And I say to myself... "what a dumbass". Not saying anything and not engaging with him on small talk is the best thing to do. Sometimes it is really hard... like this time, I really wanted to make fun of how he thought his house was so large. I bit my tongue- boy am I full of cliches today...
So, I guess I am going to take a few minutes to brag about my new house here on my blog- customized house, 2400 square feet, 4 bedrooms, with master bedroom suite. Awesome kitchen with quartz countertops and a bonus room to hang out in :) . So maybe I didn't get to rub it in his face, but I at least got to write about. I love watching our house being built. I love the fact that I am picking things out that are the way I want it and not having to settle for what crazy guy deemed as awesome... because we never had the same taste in anything, but there was no compromising- there was only the "you have no sense in style and what you like looks really bad". When we worked with the designer to tell her what we wanted, colors, etc, she absolutely loved what we were doing. Everything is contemporary and modern. The way I want it... clean lines.. none of this frilly, traditional style for this girl.
I can't wait to see it when our house is done. Maybe I will be brave and even post a few pictures. Enjoying this time and not sharing in the least with my ex-crazy guy has been wonderful. Who cares what he thinks and besides it really is none of his business how I decide to live my life.
My little update- turns out he didn't get the house after all and for some reason he told my daughter they weren't moving until the fall. He went all out bragging about stuff and nothing came to fruition... a lot of times with the narcissist you will find that they are just full of hot air.
So, as it turns out, I kept my mouth shut about my new house and only shared it with the kids. He apparently managed to somehow buy a house... oh the email that I got from him bragging about his house that he put a bid in for and it was accepted made me want to gag. He boasted about how large and beautiful and awesome it was... oh that it was soooo huge and he put in intricate details about size, number of rooms, blah blah blah... The house is the same size as mine and for most of the year it will only be inhabited by me and my boyfriend... whereas he will be in a same size house with SEVEN people. I had to laugh. The ludicrous insinuation that this idiot was making that his house was going to be better than mine... who the f&*( cares.
My narcissist doesn't seem to get it... I really do not care. I could give a rat's ass - as the saying goes, but he on the other hand has to make it a point to fill me in on the details of his supposed awesome life with his girlfriend... who is still married to husband number three... "for reals???"
I just keep my mouth shut and laugh in side as he goes on and on about how wonderful he is. And I say to myself... "what a dumbass". Not saying anything and not engaging with him on small talk is the best thing to do. Sometimes it is really hard... like this time, I really wanted to make fun of how he thought his house was so large. I bit my tongue- boy am I full of cliches today...
So, I guess I am going to take a few minutes to brag about my new house here on my blog- customized house, 2400 square feet, 4 bedrooms, with master bedroom suite. Awesome kitchen with quartz countertops and a bonus room to hang out in :) . So maybe I didn't get to rub it in his face, but I at least got to write about. I love watching our house being built. I love the fact that I am picking things out that are the way I want it and not having to settle for what crazy guy deemed as awesome... because we never had the same taste in anything, but there was no compromising- there was only the "you have no sense in style and what you like looks really bad". When we worked with the designer to tell her what we wanted, colors, etc, she absolutely loved what we were doing. Everything is contemporary and modern. The way I want it... clean lines.. none of this frilly, traditional style for this girl.
I can't wait to see it when our house is done. Maybe I will be brave and even post a few pictures. Enjoying this time and not sharing in the least with my ex-crazy guy has been wonderful. Who cares what he thinks and besides it really is none of his business how I decide to live my life.
My little update- turns out he didn't get the house after all and for some reason he told my daughter they weren't moving until the fall. He went all out bragging about stuff and nothing came to fruition... a lot of times with the narcissist you will find that they are just full of hot air.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Reflecting Back
If someone were to tell me a year ago that I would be in the midst of building my dream house, I would have told them that they were crazy. A year ago, I was in a quagmire, trying to get away from my narcissist and uncertain of how the future would turn out. There were points in my life, where I felt like I would end up in the streets completely ruined. I felt like this person would stop at nothing to destroy me.
I slowly took back as many ways as I possibly could the ways in which he could hurt me. In doing so, I made it ever so much more difficult for him to come after me. I kept doing what I knew to be right. Life is never quite perfect, but it sure is a lot easier when you are not with someone who works against you and tries to destroy your every happiness.
I am so very fortunate that today I am happy to report that I have a great job, an awesome and understanding boss, a great boyfriend, and I am delightfully relishing every aspect of picking out the details of my new house.
Sometimes we can't see that things will get better, but I tend to believe everything happens for a reason. I often wish I never met my narcissist and didn't have it so hard for so many years of dealing with this person. However, in hindsight, my life with my narcissist, has made me a better person. It has taught me to cherish the people who are genuinely good and to run far away from those who have the personality traits of a narcissist. It has taught me to enjoy the good fortunes I have had and to live my life to the fullest. These lessons definitely came with a high price tag, and for that I will take care of them. I can't say that I have any fond memories of my relationship with my narcissit, but I did learn lessons that I am quite fond of.
I slowly took back as many ways as I possibly could the ways in which he could hurt me. In doing so, I made it ever so much more difficult for him to come after me. I kept doing what I knew to be right. Life is never quite perfect, but it sure is a lot easier when you are not with someone who works against you and tries to destroy your every happiness.
I am so very fortunate that today I am happy to report that I have a great job, an awesome and understanding boss, a great boyfriend, and I am delightfully relishing every aspect of picking out the details of my new house.
Sometimes we can't see that things will get better, but I tend to believe everything happens for a reason. I often wish I never met my narcissist and didn't have it so hard for so many years of dealing with this person. However, in hindsight, my life with my narcissist, has made me a better person. It has taught me to cherish the people who are genuinely good and to run far away from those who have the personality traits of a narcissist. It has taught me to enjoy the good fortunes I have had and to live my life to the fullest. These lessons definitely came with a high price tag, and for that I will take care of them. I can't say that I have any fond memories of my relationship with my narcissit, but I did learn lessons that I am quite fond of.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Doing things on my term
Unfortunately I still have to deal with my narcissist on my regular basis for the kids' sake. However, I have learned to deal with this person on my terms. I don't give into his insane baits of trying to lure me into his drama filled life. I don't offer him that satisfaction. Instead, I have learned the hard way to let him rant and rave and act like he is the king of everything.
And when he thinks he has had his way, I find clever ways to deal with him- unbeknownst to him. Taking the power of the narcissist away is both the best defense and offense. I stopped trying to reason with this person a long time ago. This is one time when the adage of "never give up" is just plain wrong. Yes, by all means, give up trying to reason with the narcissist.
Finding the way to deal with the narcissist or just plain, not dealing with him, has been such a better way of dealing with this person. Remember the best revenge is to live the best life you can and not let this person interfere with your happiness. Having fun, laughing, enjoying life- the best way to get even with a narcissist.
And when he thinks he has had his way, I find clever ways to deal with him- unbeknownst to him. Taking the power of the narcissist away is both the best defense and offense. I stopped trying to reason with this person a long time ago. This is one time when the adage of "never give up" is just plain wrong. Yes, by all means, give up trying to reason with the narcissist.
Finding the way to deal with the narcissist or just plain, not dealing with him, has been such a better way of dealing with this person. Remember the best revenge is to live the best life you can and not let this person interfere with your happiness. Having fun, laughing, enjoying life- the best way to get even with a narcissist.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Some Guys Will Always be Bad Guys
I sat here tonight reflecting on not just my narcissist, but the other bad relationships I have been in. Why did I have to go through so many horrible relationships to finally wake up and say I just don't deserve this. When I was 22, I was engaged to a brilliant computer software engineer. Charming and gave me so much attention when we first started dating. I resisted falling for him at first, but when I finally did fall for him, all my troubles began. We got engaged after just a few short months of dating. This person lied, and they were so good at it. When he was caught lying about the other two women he was dating, he told more fantastic lies. My self esteem was crushed. This led to a string of bad relationships in which I just told myself I didn't deserve any better.
I recently got back in touch with this person and at first as usual he was quite charming. He apologized for his behavior and I believed it. I really wanted to believe that even the worst of the male species could be reformed. I was wrong. He again told more and more fantastic lies that didn't add up.
A Narcissist never changes. They cannot help themselves and yes I truly believe they are wired different from other people. The biggest difference, is their lack of empathy. Everything is about them and they say and do things that bolsters the only person that matters- themselves!
I wonder how they keep their stories straight. My last narcissist couldn't keep his story straight, but I think my first narcissist was a master at it because he literally is a genius. Such a sad truth, but in dealing with my narcissist, I must always remember that they lack the ability to change, grow, and mature.
I recently got back in touch with this person and at first as usual he was quite charming. He apologized for his behavior and I believed it. I really wanted to believe that even the worst of the male species could be reformed. I was wrong. He again told more and more fantastic lies that didn't add up.
A Narcissist never changes. They cannot help themselves and yes I truly believe they are wired different from other people. The biggest difference, is their lack of empathy. Everything is about them and they say and do things that bolsters the only person that matters- themselves!
I wonder how they keep their stories straight. My last narcissist couldn't keep his story straight, but I think my first narcissist was a master at it because he literally is a genius. Such a sad truth, but in dealing with my narcissist, I must always remember that they lack the ability to change, grow, and mature.
Wanted Smart Successful Women for Extreme Abuse
I recently saw a You Tube video about a woman who rode on the hood of a mini van for a whopping 35 MILES! The report was that she got into an altercation with her husband and she tried to stop him from driving off by getting on the hood of their mini van. Well, he took her for the ride of her life and nearly killed her. The police estimated that the wind chill was probably well below freezing and that at times he was going as fast as 100 mph. They also noted that she was a smart, articulate women who was a paralegal. They commented on how intelligent this woman was. He on the other hand had past run-ins with the law for drug related incidences.
Why is it that these narcissistic men target smart, successful wome??? Time and time again I run across women who share similar stories as mine and we all have one thing in common- we are smart, successful, attractive women. I began to wonder about this and the only conclusion that I can come to, is that they see as a challenge. Because like all other aspects of life, they see their mate not as a partner, but as a reflection of who they want to be and who they want to be associated with. I also think that these type of men are attracted by things that are hard to get or better yet, hard to find. So, to them getting this type of person as a mate, says to the world that they are great... they see us as a trophy to be had.
Once they have us, they become jealous of us for the very reasons that they fall for us. My ex was always so jealous of my successes at work. He resorted to sabotaging my work. There was one incidence when I had to go to Hawaii for several weeks for my work. He got extremely jealous and even convinced himself that I was having an affair. The week prior to my departure was pure hell. He made all sorts of threats and even put a password on my computer so I could not retrieve a presentation that I had been working on for weeks. He made me pay him $200 to take the password off. I remember being so anxious to get on that plane to get away from him. Once I got to Hawaii, he called me over 50 times a day for several days. I refused to answer any of my calls. After a few days I relented and took his calls. He was convinced that I was having an affair... this coming from the person who used to always tell me that I am lucky to have him because no man would want to be with someone like me.
Why is it that when it comes to our professional lives, we make wise, intelligent choices? But when it comes to love, we make the decision that makes the least sense?
The other thing to note about these women that I have met, is that they have the most wonderful, out going personalities. All of these women are kind, caring, and mature and yet for all of our intelligence, we end up with our worst nightmares.
My girlfriend sat me down in her office one day and looked at me with a stern look. She said in a frank manner, "it is time for a paradigm shift". One of the best advice I have ever gotten and really taken to heart. My current boyfriend, is just awesome and not because he is flashy, or tries to impress people, but because he is just the opposite. He doesn't seek attention, always tells the truth no matter the consequences, and just genuinely wants the best for not only me, but also for us. I had to rethink my entire thought pattern and to really think about what it was that I found to be important. I dated a lot of different people for a while just to figure that out. So many times I met people who presented well, but when more and more layers became revealed, their stories just didn't match up. I did a 180 and walked away from those people. Never again, will I try to make sense of things that just don't make sense. If their story doesn't add up and my intuition says there is something wrong, I listen to my gut instinct.
When I started dating my boyfriend, I think I was trying to find holes in his story... sometimes maybe a little too hard, just to be proven that I was overreacting time and time again. Although my relationship is not far from perfect, the fact that I have always felt safe from harm has had a huge impact.
Why is it that these narcissistic men target smart, successful wome??? Time and time again I run across women who share similar stories as mine and we all have one thing in common- we are smart, successful, attractive women. I began to wonder about this and the only conclusion that I can come to, is that they see as a challenge. Because like all other aspects of life, they see their mate not as a partner, but as a reflection of who they want to be and who they want to be associated with. I also think that these type of men are attracted by things that are hard to get or better yet, hard to find. So, to them getting this type of person as a mate, says to the world that they are great... they see us as a trophy to be had.
Once they have us, they become jealous of us for the very reasons that they fall for us. My ex was always so jealous of my successes at work. He resorted to sabotaging my work. There was one incidence when I had to go to Hawaii for several weeks for my work. He got extremely jealous and even convinced himself that I was having an affair. The week prior to my departure was pure hell. He made all sorts of threats and even put a password on my computer so I could not retrieve a presentation that I had been working on for weeks. He made me pay him $200 to take the password off. I remember being so anxious to get on that plane to get away from him. Once I got to Hawaii, he called me over 50 times a day for several days. I refused to answer any of my calls. After a few days I relented and took his calls. He was convinced that I was having an affair... this coming from the person who used to always tell me that I am lucky to have him because no man would want to be with someone like me.
Why is it that when it comes to our professional lives, we make wise, intelligent choices? But when it comes to love, we make the decision that makes the least sense?
The other thing to note about these women that I have met, is that they have the most wonderful, out going personalities. All of these women are kind, caring, and mature and yet for all of our intelligence, we end up with our worst nightmares.
My girlfriend sat me down in her office one day and looked at me with a stern look. She said in a frank manner, "it is time for a paradigm shift". One of the best advice I have ever gotten and really taken to heart. My current boyfriend, is just awesome and not because he is flashy, or tries to impress people, but because he is just the opposite. He doesn't seek attention, always tells the truth no matter the consequences, and just genuinely wants the best for not only me, but also for us. I had to rethink my entire thought pattern and to really think about what it was that I found to be important. I dated a lot of different people for a while just to figure that out. So many times I met people who presented well, but when more and more layers became revealed, their stories just didn't match up. I did a 180 and walked away from those people. Never again, will I try to make sense of things that just don't make sense. If their story doesn't add up and my intuition says there is something wrong, I listen to my gut instinct.
When I started dating my boyfriend, I think I was trying to find holes in his story... sometimes maybe a little too hard, just to be proven that I was overreacting time and time again. Although my relationship is not far from perfect, the fact that I have always felt safe from harm has had a huge impact.
Monday, February 21, 2011
How Did I Not See You Coming
Hindsight is often twenty twenty. Life is always full of regrets... if only I didn't do this or that, or chose another. But there comes a point when one has to say... "it is what it is". I often wonder how I ended up with my narcissist. I had all my friends meet him and they all thought he was great. For me, I think it was the long distance relationship we had for two years. We only saw each other about once a month. This is the perfect gig for the narcissist.
The first time I realized that there was a serious problem was a month after I moved in with my ex. I remember constantly thinking to myself, "Did that really happen?" I thought I was often losing my mind because he would say and do one thing and when I confronted him about it, he would tell me that I was mistaken. I remember just sitting up at night recounting the events in my mind to see if maybe I really was mistaken.
We were supposed to see my college roommate and her new husband for dinner one night shortly after I moved in with him. I remember he started acting oddly and made such a fuss that I ended up going to see her without him. As I was talking with my girlfriend, I remember telling her that I thought he was bipolar and that he just wasn't acting right. What I didn't realize at the time was that this was a pattern of behavior that he would continue over and over... Anytime I had a special event or get together with one of my close friends, he would always act up. My narcissist was trying to isolate me from everyone I was close to. I just didn't realize what was going on.
Later on in our marriage, he moved us far away from work under the pretenses that it was good for the kids... in hindsight I see that it was just another means to keep me further and further away from everyone. After ten years of being with my narcissist, I realized that I had very few close friends left. Many of my supposed friends, were so drained when dealing with the drama that came from my relationship with my narcissist, that they just faded away. There were friends who called our house to talk to me, that were told by my ex that they were no longer welcome because they were interferring in our marriage. I lost a lot of friends that way, but then again maybe they were not really my friends to begin with.
The narcissist always appears so charming at first, which is why many of their victims can't fathom that what they are experiencing with this person is really happening. We just don't see it coming. How could we... we were too busy falling in love with Hyde, not Jekyll.
When we finally get away from the narcissist, we are so hypersensitive to the fact that we may encounter another narcissist, that we become overly critical and overly paranoid. It is the defensive mechanism we develop after the storm.
I struggle with this every day in all my close relationships. I know they are not my ex, but when they exhibit any type of behavior that closely resembles some of his actions, I tend to overreact. My boyfriend is awesome. He is genuinely a caring person and he has always made me feel that he would never go against me or willfully hurt me. It is sad that I have to actually think about this, and it isn't just a normal expectation in any relationship for me. Just one of the many scars left behind by my narcissist. When we get into arguments, I definitely tend to overreact because I am just afraid of what might happen next... and yet I know he is not my ex. Nothing bad ever happens, my boyfriend doesn't try to extract some sort of crazy revenge on me, and yet I tend to take action to arm myself as if I am still dealing with my ex.
I am working on learning to have normal relationships again. The drama is long gone, except for the drama I self-create! When we deal with narcissists we should be ready for the worst. After that relationship is over, it is difficult to imagine and be in a normal relationship.
The first time I realized that there was a serious problem was a month after I moved in with my ex. I remember constantly thinking to myself, "Did that really happen?" I thought I was often losing my mind because he would say and do one thing and when I confronted him about it, he would tell me that I was mistaken. I remember just sitting up at night recounting the events in my mind to see if maybe I really was mistaken.
We were supposed to see my college roommate and her new husband for dinner one night shortly after I moved in with him. I remember he started acting oddly and made such a fuss that I ended up going to see her without him. As I was talking with my girlfriend, I remember telling her that I thought he was bipolar and that he just wasn't acting right. What I didn't realize at the time was that this was a pattern of behavior that he would continue over and over... Anytime I had a special event or get together with one of my close friends, he would always act up. My narcissist was trying to isolate me from everyone I was close to. I just didn't realize what was going on.
Later on in our marriage, he moved us far away from work under the pretenses that it was good for the kids... in hindsight I see that it was just another means to keep me further and further away from everyone. After ten years of being with my narcissist, I realized that I had very few close friends left. Many of my supposed friends, were so drained when dealing with the drama that came from my relationship with my narcissist, that they just faded away. There were friends who called our house to talk to me, that were told by my ex that they were no longer welcome because they were interferring in our marriage. I lost a lot of friends that way, but then again maybe they were not really my friends to begin with.
The narcissist always appears so charming at first, which is why many of their victims can't fathom that what they are experiencing with this person is really happening. We just don't see it coming. How could we... we were too busy falling in love with Hyde, not Jekyll.
When we finally get away from the narcissist, we are so hypersensitive to the fact that we may encounter another narcissist, that we become overly critical and overly paranoid. It is the defensive mechanism we develop after the storm.
I struggle with this every day in all my close relationships. I know they are not my ex, but when they exhibit any type of behavior that closely resembles some of his actions, I tend to overreact. My boyfriend is awesome. He is genuinely a caring person and he has always made me feel that he would never go against me or willfully hurt me. It is sad that I have to actually think about this, and it isn't just a normal expectation in any relationship for me. Just one of the many scars left behind by my narcissist. When we get into arguments, I definitely tend to overreact because I am just afraid of what might happen next... and yet I know he is not my ex. Nothing bad ever happens, my boyfriend doesn't try to extract some sort of crazy revenge on me, and yet I tend to take action to arm myself as if I am still dealing with my ex.
I am working on learning to have normal relationships again. The drama is long gone, except for the drama I self-create! When we deal with narcissists we should be ready for the worst. After that relationship is over, it is difficult to imagine and be in a normal relationship.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
In This Case- Throw out all reasoning and start from there
Anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist will know that trying to reason and compromise with a narcissist is a futile exercise leading only to mental torment. For years and years I tried desperately to try to reason with this person- to try to get them to see how insane his behavior was. This only exasperated the situation and gave fuel and energy for him to keep going. If I tried to reason with him, he would excalate it to the next level to try to "teach me a lesson" for my insolence.
After the first few years of trying to reason with him, I then resorted to completely shutting down. This too was a losing strategy on my part. When I would not give him the satisfaction of reacting to his temptuous behavior, he would again escalate it to the next level. I want to share one episode of dealing with my narcissist:
I told my ex that I did not want two large dogs in the house when my twins were born for sanitary reasons. I asked him to make the dogs outside dogs. Now mind you- one dog was an 80 lb boxer and the other dog was a 150 lb mutt of some sort.... these were not frail little dogs. These dogs shed a lot and it was hard to maintain a clean home. Well, that just opened up a can of worms... his response "I would rather have you leave then my two dogs that I have had before I even met you". I didn't want to argue with him anymore, so I decided to move into the guest room to avoid any conflict given that I was pregnant. During the week, to try to extract a response out of me, he threw all my clothes into the guest room and as if that wasn't enough, he went outside, got dirt and threw it all over my clothes. When that didn't work, he had my oldest daughter come into the room while I was lying down and had her call me a "piggy". Now mind you I was several months pregnant- so I was not slim at the moment. When these tactics did not work, he resorted to putting dirty dishes in the room I was staying in, throwing away awards and memorablia from my college years, following me around with a video camera.... During the week, going to work was my only sanctuary. I talked to my boss about possibly transferring after my twins were born. He said he would make it happen when I was ready.
One morning, I had finally had it with him messing with my stuff. I got so angry, I started throwing his clothes in the garage. He calmly said, "we need to stop this..." WE.... all week it had been just him, egging me on and when I finally got angry... it was "we". I just looked at him and told him that I already to talked to my boss and when the kids are born, I plan to leave him. He had a look about him that I can't describe, but his response was that he had no one and that if I left him that he would probably kill himself... such an odd response from someone who just kept escalating the situation day after day. I was so angry at this point, that I just told him to go ahead and that it would make us all alot happier... I regret saying this out of anger, but after a week of torment, being pregnant, I just have had it with his behavior.
He calmly watched me get my daughter ready for school, put her in the car, and drive away. When I got to my daughter's school, I realized I had forgotten my badge for work. I went back home to get it and would you believe, in less than fifteen minutes, the sherriff's department was at my house. I went in to discover that he had hit himself in the face- yes he had hit himself... and then told the cops that I had done it... mind you that I am five months pregnant with twins- a high risk pregnancy to begin with. My reaction was that I starting yelling at him... while surprisingly he remained quite calm...
When the deputies finally calmed me down, I told them my story... I also showed them all the awards that he had thrown away in the garbage. When they saw that I had things in there from over ten years ago, they began to question his story. Also seeing how I was pregnant, they starting to question what really happened. When they told him that they did not believe his story, he INSISTED on writing a VICTIM's statement, so they could forward it to the state attorney's office... nothing became of his "victim's" statement... I should have left him then, but I thought over time he would realize that what he did was wrong and never do anything like this again... I wish I could say that I was right, but this was really just the beginning of more of this behavior.
There are a few things I want to point out about this whole situation- first of all, most normal people would not remain calm if their spouse had really hit them. But this is the way of the narcissist. They keep probing and egging you on, until they break your line of sanity. And when you do, they miraculously all of a sudden become the victim, they become the one who has to deal with your "crazy" behavior. Do your remember the incident where Mel Gibson's ex taped a conversation with him in which he was yelling, almost in tears, and just "losing" it... what struck me as odd about the whole situation was how "calm" the women was. No one knows for sure what transpired between the two of them, but it did always make me wonder how one party could remain so calm while the other person is obviously distraught.
The narcissist has no limits. They justify their behavior in their mind... in this case, I never got a full apology from my ex. He would always say, "you made me act that way". Hindsight is always 20/20... I just laugh now whenever he says such stuff... I wish my response back then was, "Really? I really have that much power over you... geez, I wish I knew that back then".
Finally, I just want to say that there was no reasoning with my ex. Unless, I did exactly what he deemed as appropriate behavior, he was going to continue to "teach me a lesson". I love how narcissists are the great all knowing "teachers" and that they should be both judge and jury. It's almost like a God-complex. How dare I question the "Great Narcissist". In his own little fantasy, he was all knowing, all perfect, therefore, I should comply with all his demands. If I should ever object, in his infinite wisdom, he must exact a punishment only he can deem fitting. Okay- crazy guy, have fun. I won't be a part of it anymore and I will take away all means of you ever hurting me again.
My lift is my life. I made a promise to myself that I will never again take this kind of abuse and that if I see any signs of someone being a Narcissist, I will not walk, I will run and stay clear of this person's path.
After the first few years of trying to reason with him, I then resorted to completely shutting down. This too was a losing strategy on my part. When I would not give him the satisfaction of reacting to his temptuous behavior, he would again escalate it to the next level. I want to share one episode of dealing with my narcissist:
I told my ex that I did not want two large dogs in the house when my twins were born for sanitary reasons. I asked him to make the dogs outside dogs. Now mind you- one dog was an 80 lb boxer and the other dog was a 150 lb mutt of some sort.... these were not frail little dogs. These dogs shed a lot and it was hard to maintain a clean home. Well, that just opened up a can of worms... his response "I would rather have you leave then my two dogs that I have had before I even met you". I didn't want to argue with him anymore, so I decided to move into the guest room to avoid any conflict given that I was pregnant. During the week, to try to extract a response out of me, he threw all my clothes into the guest room and as if that wasn't enough, he went outside, got dirt and threw it all over my clothes. When that didn't work, he had my oldest daughter come into the room while I was lying down and had her call me a "piggy". Now mind you I was several months pregnant- so I was not slim at the moment. When these tactics did not work, he resorted to putting dirty dishes in the room I was staying in, throwing away awards and memorablia from my college years, following me around with a video camera.... During the week, going to work was my only sanctuary. I talked to my boss about possibly transferring after my twins were born. He said he would make it happen when I was ready.
One morning, I had finally had it with him messing with my stuff. I got so angry, I started throwing his clothes in the garage. He calmly said, "we need to stop this..." WE.... all week it had been just him, egging me on and when I finally got angry... it was "we". I just looked at him and told him that I already to talked to my boss and when the kids are born, I plan to leave him. He had a look about him that I can't describe, but his response was that he had no one and that if I left him that he would probably kill himself... such an odd response from someone who just kept escalating the situation day after day. I was so angry at this point, that I just told him to go ahead and that it would make us all alot happier... I regret saying this out of anger, but after a week of torment, being pregnant, I just have had it with his behavior.
He calmly watched me get my daughter ready for school, put her in the car, and drive away. When I got to my daughter's school, I realized I had forgotten my badge for work. I went back home to get it and would you believe, in less than fifteen minutes, the sherriff's department was at my house. I went in to discover that he had hit himself in the face- yes he had hit himself... and then told the cops that I had done it... mind you that I am five months pregnant with twins- a high risk pregnancy to begin with. My reaction was that I starting yelling at him... while surprisingly he remained quite calm...
When the deputies finally calmed me down, I told them my story... I also showed them all the awards that he had thrown away in the garbage. When they saw that I had things in there from over ten years ago, they began to question his story. Also seeing how I was pregnant, they starting to question what really happened. When they told him that they did not believe his story, he INSISTED on writing a VICTIM's statement, so they could forward it to the state attorney's office... nothing became of his "victim's" statement... I should have left him then, but I thought over time he would realize that what he did was wrong and never do anything like this again... I wish I could say that I was right, but this was really just the beginning of more of this behavior.
There are a few things I want to point out about this whole situation- first of all, most normal people would not remain calm if their spouse had really hit them. But this is the way of the narcissist. They keep probing and egging you on, until they break your line of sanity. And when you do, they miraculously all of a sudden become the victim, they become the one who has to deal with your "crazy" behavior. Do your remember the incident where Mel Gibson's ex taped a conversation with him in which he was yelling, almost in tears, and just "losing" it... what struck me as odd about the whole situation was how "calm" the women was. No one knows for sure what transpired between the two of them, but it did always make me wonder how one party could remain so calm while the other person is obviously distraught.
The narcissist has no limits. They justify their behavior in their mind... in this case, I never got a full apology from my ex. He would always say, "you made me act that way". Hindsight is always 20/20... I just laugh now whenever he says such stuff... I wish my response back then was, "Really? I really have that much power over you... geez, I wish I knew that back then".
Finally, I just want to say that there was no reasoning with my ex. Unless, I did exactly what he deemed as appropriate behavior, he was going to continue to "teach me a lesson". I love how narcissists are the great all knowing "teachers" and that they should be both judge and jury. It's almost like a God-complex. How dare I question the "Great Narcissist". In his own little fantasy, he was all knowing, all perfect, therefore, I should comply with all his demands. If I should ever object, in his infinite wisdom, he must exact a punishment only he can deem fitting. Okay- crazy guy, have fun. I won't be a part of it anymore and I will take away all means of you ever hurting me again.
My lift is my life. I made a promise to myself that I will never again take this kind of abuse and that if I see any signs of someone being a Narcissist, I will not walk, I will run and stay clear of this person's path.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Get Out of My Head
After having been with my narcissist for nearly a decade, it is difficult to not hear the insults and be in the world of the real. So many times when I want to try something new, I often find myself coming to the conclusion that I just am not good enough.
The sad part of this whole routine and dance of low self esteem I do in my head, is that prior to my narcissist, I used to have a sense of adventure. The possibility of failing miserably did not deter me from daring to try something new and unique.
Sadly, after having been with my narcissist for so long, I struggle to find that person I used to once be. I am slowly finding this person again. My friends who have stuck by me for years remind me that I look like I have taken ten years off of my face and that I am so much more fun to be around again. No matter how many compliments I get, I still struggle to accept these compliments... since when did I become not good enough to receive these compliments???
Learning to receive compliments and to regain my self esteem is a constant struggle as I recover from my narcissist... One of the things that helps is to slow down, step away from the madness, and really think about what is happening in the moment and not what I think my narcissist would be saying to me as I try new things. Yes, I fail sometimes, but the big difference is that I am surrounded by people who love me for who I am no matter what. And yes, I have way more fun trying new things these days. Even failing has become much more of a joy then when I was in the abusive relationship with a narcissist.
One of these days I will be enjoying life without giving my narcissist a second thought. Right now I struggle, but day after day it seems to be getting easier... the more distance and time I put between myself and my narcissist, the easier it gets.
The sad part of this whole routine and dance of low self esteem I do in my head, is that prior to my narcissist, I used to have a sense of adventure. The possibility of failing miserably did not deter me from daring to try something new and unique.
Sadly, after having been with my narcissist for so long, I struggle to find that person I used to once be. I am slowly finding this person again. My friends who have stuck by me for years remind me that I look like I have taken ten years off of my face and that I am so much more fun to be around again. No matter how many compliments I get, I still struggle to accept these compliments... since when did I become not good enough to receive these compliments???
Learning to receive compliments and to regain my self esteem is a constant struggle as I recover from my narcissist... One of the things that helps is to slow down, step away from the madness, and really think about what is happening in the moment and not what I think my narcissist would be saying to me as I try new things. Yes, I fail sometimes, but the big difference is that I am surrounded by people who love me for who I am no matter what. And yes, I have way more fun trying new things these days. Even failing has become much more of a joy then when I was in the abusive relationship with a narcissist.
One of these days I will be enjoying life without giving my narcissist a second thought. Right now I struggle, but day after day it seems to be getting easier... the more distance and time I put between myself and my narcissist, the easier it gets.
Monday, February 7, 2011
P!nk - So What
This song always picks me up... when my ex starts to get under my skin, I listen to this song and say to myself--- so what!
Laughing at Lunacy
It's been over two years since I have been moved thousands of miles away from my Narcissist. It is amazing how time and distance has brought so much clarity to just how mentally unstable my narcissist really is. When I was in the situation, I was so emotionally vested that I was blind to what was really going on. The narcissist is also a great manipulator. If you start hearing over and over how worthless you are, from someone who supposedly loves you, you start to believe it.
My narcissist is with someone new. Thank goodness! They seem to be right for each other. His newest victim, has been married three times and is only 32 years old. In one year this woman managed to get divorced, get married again, and get divorced again. She is from the country of Georgia and supposedly she was a lawyer there. Her oldest son is around eleven years old...Now, in our country, she is making t-shirts at a local tourist trap... hmmmm.... does this make any sense???? Married three times, has two kids, somehow managed to have a law degree- which she never used, and is now making t-shirts????? Did I miss something here???? So, this is what the narcissist reports to me.
My narcissist is in his 40s. Most men would have the maturity to see that this woman is nothing but trouble, but to my narcissist, in his own little world, this all makes sense. Oh, and did I mention, this supposedly brilliant woman does not have a license or a car???? hmmm. Why would a smart woman, not have a car or her license in this day and age? Why would an educated woman be working minimum wage making t-shirts?
I share this story, because my narcissist acts and thinks like he is a teenager or at best in his 20s. His sense of logic does not bode that of someone in their 40s. Having been removed from the situation, I see just how immature, rash, illogical, my narcissist is. When you are in the situation, living it- you don't see what is so obvious to the outside observer.
It took a long time to try to deal with this person like a business associate. I do the best I can to try to extract my emotions from the situation and think through my interaction with him with logic and reason. When I think through his actions logically, I see just how ludicrous it all really is and was. Sometimes it makes me chuckle, other times I shed some tears at the wasted years in trying to make sense out of something that never did.
My narcissist is with someone new. Thank goodness! They seem to be right for each other. His newest victim, has been married three times and is only 32 years old. In one year this woman managed to get divorced, get married again, and get divorced again. She is from the country of Georgia and supposedly she was a lawyer there. Her oldest son is around eleven years old...Now, in our country, she is making t-shirts at a local tourist trap... hmmmm.... does this make any sense???? Married three times, has two kids, somehow managed to have a law degree- which she never used, and is now making t-shirts????? Did I miss something here???? So, this is what the narcissist reports to me.
My narcissist is in his 40s. Most men would have the maturity to see that this woman is nothing but trouble, but to my narcissist, in his own little world, this all makes sense. Oh, and did I mention, this supposedly brilliant woman does not have a license or a car???? hmmm. Why would a smart woman, not have a car or her license in this day and age? Why would an educated woman be working minimum wage making t-shirts?
I share this story, because my narcissist acts and thinks like he is a teenager or at best in his 20s. His sense of logic does not bode that of someone in their 40s. Having been removed from the situation, I see just how immature, rash, illogical, my narcissist is. When you are in the situation, living it- you don't see what is so obvious to the outside observer.
It took a long time to try to deal with this person like a business associate. I do the best I can to try to extract my emotions from the situation and think through my interaction with him with logic and reason. When I think through his actions logically, I see just how ludicrous it all really is and was. Sometimes it makes me chuckle, other times I shed some tears at the wasted years in trying to make sense out of something that never did.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Protecting Your Sanity from a Narcissist
One of the best advice I ever got from my therapist was to have someone else check my emails from me. Choosing the right person to do this took some careful thought. I wanted to make sure that this person was not a gossip and would spill the beans. I found a wonderful friend to do this for me. She only checked the email once or twice a week and she would strip out all the nasty things he would insert. She only reported on the important stuff I needed to know and answer. I would in turn tell her what I wanted in response and she would write back a response void of all emotions. She treated the emails like she would a business email.
My narcissist would respond back with vile comments still thinking he was writing to me and despite the emotionless response he got from me, he still acted in the same despicable manner. My friend later revealed to me that she would even get frustrated in dealing with him, even though she had never met or interacted with him. She understood just how relentless and difficult it was to deal with him. It was also apparent to her that he was trying to bait me into argument and unnecessary drama. This is the way of the Narcissist. They thrive on drama, chaos, arguments, and insane behavior. They get a sick sense of satisfaction when they get a rise out of you.
His email responses would always come within ten minutes of when she sent responses back to him. It would annoy him to no end that it would take days sometimes weeks for a response back to his emails. This taught me a great lesson... respond to the narcissist on my terms and when I want to. Often times this would help me to calm down before giving him a response.
The narcissist lives in a delusional world of rules that he makes up. It took me a long time to not buy into his delusional nonsense. When you are with someone who is narcissistic for a long time you start to believe the insults and nasty things he tells you. The biggest mistake for me was that I believed he loved me and therefore what he said must have some truth to it. I learned the hard way that this person is devoid of all emotions for another human being and lacks any type of empathy. Everything he did was calculating, manipulative to meet the ends of satisying to only person that matter to him- HIMSELF. Nothing he did was out of love or compassion for me.
If you have a narcissist to deal with on a regular basis, look for ways to shield yourself. I had to learn to deal with him on my terms. This meant not responding to emails right away or to not overreact whenever he made threats. It's easier said than done, but the rewards and benefits of protecting my sanity far outweight the consequences of playing into this games.
My narcissist would respond back with vile comments still thinking he was writing to me and despite the emotionless response he got from me, he still acted in the same despicable manner. My friend later revealed to me that she would even get frustrated in dealing with him, even though she had never met or interacted with him. She understood just how relentless and difficult it was to deal with him. It was also apparent to her that he was trying to bait me into argument and unnecessary drama. This is the way of the Narcissist. They thrive on drama, chaos, arguments, and insane behavior. They get a sick sense of satisfaction when they get a rise out of you.
His email responses would always come within ten minutes of when she sent responses back to him. It would annoy him to no end that it would take days sometimes weeks for a response back to his emails. This taught me a great lesson... respond to the narcissist on my terms and when I want to. Often times this would help me to calm down before giving him a response.
The narcissist lives in a delusional world of rules that he makes up. It took me a long time to not buy into his delusional nonsense. When you are with someone who is narcissistic for a long time you start to believe the insults and nasty things he tells you. The biggest mistake for me was that I believed he loved me and therefore what he said must have some truth to it. I learned the hard way that this person is devoid of all emotions for another human being and lacks any type of empathy. Everything he did was calculating, manipulative to meet the ends of satisying to only person that matter to him- HIMSELF. Nothing he did was out of love or compassion for me.
If you have a narcissist to deal with on a regular basis, look for ways to shield yourself. I had to learn to deal with him on my terms. This meant not responding to emails right away or to not overreact whenever he made threats. It's easier said than done, but the rewards and benefits of protecting my sanity far outweight the consequences of playing into this games.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Narcissist in the Workplace
Today, I had a short discussion with my boss about people who just don't like to play by the rules, move from one job to another when confronted about their shortcomings, and never get anywhere in the workplace because people eventually catch on that these people just aren't a team player. Sounds a lot like my ex. When we were married, he used to come home and brag about his accomplishments. He used to boast that his workplace would fall apart if he ever left. Somehow he was always the hardest working person at his place... When we were first married, I used to buy into his lies, but after hearing the same thing over and over, every time he got transferred... I began to wonder.
Narcissists always believe they are special and possess some sort of magical power. Hence, they should be treated as special... anyone who disagrees- well to them they are the ones with the problem... how dare they question his awesomeness.
Working with a narcissist is a very demanding and often degrading task. Shortly after I left my narcissist, I had lunch with a lady who had the misfortune of having to work with my narcissist. My initial response when she told me, "oh, I am so sorry you had to experience that". She described him as "something else". I had worked in the same building with this same woman years ago. I never once heard her say anything ill about anyone. And yet, here she was venting her frustration of having to work with such a difficult person. Just like a typical narcissist, she described my narcissist in the work place as such: "He used to think I worked for him and not with him". We both found that to be quite humurous because he was the contractor working for her on her project.
Narcissists love to take credit for other people's work and they love to demean your work any chance they get. This was the great demise of how my narcissist lost his job. He went around for months taking credit for other people's work, trying to steal work from them, and bad-mouthing anyone who did not praise him. Eventually, those who worked with him got tired of his behavior and some even refused to work with him. When confronted with his behavior by his supervisors, he blew up at them saying "I don't need this job".
Remember how in my other posts I said we lived in a little town and you always ran into someone you knew when you were out and about. Well, his behavior proceeded him as he tried to find work with other contractors. The same people that he had bad-mouthed, took it upon themselves to warn other contractors to not hire him.
The only work he could find was with a very small contractor. It will be interesting to sit back and watch how this plays out because this small contractor has very little room for growth and for moving up within the organization. This will be very difficult for my narcissist because in his mind he is important, special and deserving of high positions and important projects.
What I want to relay to those who have to work with a narcissist, is to let this person fall on his own sword. Attempting to engage or change this type of behavior is futile. If at all possible let your supervisor or someone higher up the chain deal with his behavior. Eventually everyone at the work place will see just how difficult it is in dealing with this type of person. Let his reputation and behavior do the talking- actions are louder than words. If you complain about this person's behavior, you may unintentionally come across as the difficult person who has issues when dealing with others. Remember to preserve your own dignity by not lowering yourself to their type of behavior.
Narcissists always believe they are special and possess some sort of magical power. Hence, they should be treated as special... anyone who disagrees- well to them they are the ones with the problem... how dare they question his awesomeness.
Working with a narcissist is a very demanding and often degrading task. Shortly after I left my narcissist, I had lunch with a lady who had the misfortune of having to work with my narcissist. My initial response when she told me, "oh, I am so sorry you had to experience that". She described him as "something else". I had worked in the same building with this same woman years ago. I never once heard her say anything ill about anyone. And yet, here she was venting her frustration of having to work with such a difficult person. Just like a typical narcissist, she described my narcissist in the work place as such: "He used to think I worked for him and not with him". We both found that to be quite humurous because he was the contractor working for her on her project.
Narcissists love to take credit for other people's work and they love to demean your work any chance they get. This was the great demise of how my narcissist lost his job. He went around for months taking credit for other people's work, trying to steal work from them, and bad-mouthing anyone who did not praise him. Eventually, those who worked with him got tired of his behavior and some even refused to work with him. When confronted with his behavior by his supervisors, he blew up at them saying "I don't need this job".
Remember how in my other posts I said we lived in a little town and you always ran into someone you knew when you were out and about. Well, his behavior proceeded him as he tried to find work with other contractors. The same people that he had bad-mouthed, took it upon themselves to warn other contractors to not hire him.
The only work he could find was with a very small contractor. It will be interesting to sit back and watch how this plays out because this small contractor has very little room for growth and for moving up within the organization. This will be very difficult for my narcissist because in his mind he is important, special and deserving of high positions and important projects.
What I want to relay to those who have to work with a narcissist, is to let this person fall on his own sword. Attempting to engage or change this type of behavior is futile. If at all possible let your supervisor or someone higher up the chain deal with his behavior. Eventually everyone at the work place will see just how difficult it is in dealing with this type of person. Let his reputation and behavior do the talking- actions are louder than words. If you complain about this person's behavior, you may unintentionally come across as the difficult person who has issues when dealing with others. Remember to preserve your own dignity by not lowering yourself to their type of behavior.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Learning to Choose What I Want
In my 20s, I had opinions- however screwed up they were, they were my opinions... somehow in the midst of dealing with my narcissist, I lost my voice. I gave up trying to explain my desires, wants, opinions... because it was just easier to sit their quietly. It was too tiring to argue with him.
Since, I have fled from my narcissist, I have been trying to figure out what my likes and dislikes are in so many areas. In a lot of ways I forgot what it really meant to get what I want... I am still working on getting out that little voice in my head that constantly tells me that I am not good enough, that my choices are horrible and that it just doesn't matter.
I am in the midst of buying my own home... yeah!!! Finally!!!! When I was with my narcissist, every home was what he wanted. They were all fixer uppers--- because he had convinced himself that he was a master at everything- plumbing, tiling, carpentry... except all of his work was less than par. This made me dread going home... to see the tile work not lined up evenly, to see the plumbing done not to code, to see paint splattered in odd places like the ceiling and the door frames. Yet after a long time, I just gave up saying anything. It was too tiring to argue with a person who thought he was the grand master and all so perfect. Pointing out flaws in his work was just unacceptable in his kingdom of hell. His argument to me was that I couldn't do any better so such the F*** up.
So, now as I buy my new house... I am revelling in looking through endless decorating magazines, looking through houses for sale... and I am taking my time. I want to make sure that I buy what I want and not what that little voice in my head tells me to buy. I love dealing with the realtor by myself and telling him exactly what I want. What a refreshing feeling to take my sweet time, figure out what I want, and to buy what I want.
This exercise of figuring out what I want and getting what I want has been abundant in all aspects of my life... clothes, food, entertainment. Not only has this improved my self esteem. but amazingly I have peeled away the sour look on my face that I used to carry and peeled away the layers of frumpiness. To hear my friends tell me that I look like I peeled away ten years of my life inspires me to keep having fun and keep making my own decisions. It has also taught me that I can make good decisions on my own without the Narcissist around... and that all the things he said were just nonsense.
Since, I have fled from my narcissist, I have been trying to figure out what my likes and dislikes are in so many areas. In a lot of ways I forgot what it really meant to get what I want... I am still working on getting out that little voice in my head that constantly tells me that I am not good enough, that my choices are horrible and that it just doesn't matter.
I am in the midst of buying my own home... yeah!!! Finally!!!! When I was with my narcissist, every home was what he wanted. They were all fixer uppers--- because he had convinced himself that he was a master at everything- plumbing, tiling, carpentry... except all of his work was less than par. This made me dread going home... to see the tile work not lined up evenly, to see the plumbing done not to code, to see paint splattered in odd places like the ceiling and the door frames. Yet after a long time, I just gave up saying anything. It was too tiring to argue with a person who thought he was the grand master and all so perfect. Pointing out flaws in his work was just unacceptable in his kingdom of hell. His argument to me was that I couldn't do any better so such the F*** up.
So, now as I buy my new house... I am revelling in looking through endless decorating magazines, looking through houses for sale... and I am taking my time. I want to make sure that I buy what I want and not what that little voice in my head tells me to buy. I love dealing with the realtor by myself and telling him exactly what I want. What a refreshing feeling to take my sweet time, figure out what I want, and to buy what I want.
This exercise of figuring out what I want and getting what I want has been abundant in all aspects of my life... clothes, food, entertainment. Not only has this improved my self esteem. but amazingly I have peeled away the sour look on my face that I used to carry and peeled away the layers of frumpiness. To hear my friends tell me that I look like I peeled away ten years of my life inspires me to keep having fun and keep making my own decisions. It has also taught me that I can make good decisions on my own without the Narcissist around... and that all the things he said were just nonsense.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Narcissistic Relationships - An Introduction
Dr. Drew does an excellent job in explaining narcissism in a few short sentences.
Stay Calm- Easier said than done
My lawyer is on my speed dial.... my narcissist can't behave himself and can't play by anyone else's rules but his own. I made the mistake of letting this person get under my skin this weekend. Kids were supposed to fly to see me at a "mutually agreed upon airport". He has them flying into an airport four hours away. He emails me the itinerary late friday afternoon for me to review and then proceeds to book them the early the next day- knowing full well I have not had the chance to check my emails. UGHHHHHHH!!!! Not only did I email this person a week before which airport was closest to me, but this is completely against the divorce decree. I let him under my skin and when I found out, I let it ruin a good portion of my weekend. And to add fuel to the fire, I engaged in wasted back and forth emails with this person... after calming down, I informed him that he needs to change the itinerary or I will be filing a contempt of court motion and requesting he pay lawyer fees and additional lodging and fuel fees.
Why do I share this story? I share it to show that a narcissist never stops... they love drama. They love to provoke you by making drama. When I showed him my anger and displeasure at what he did, he thrived on it and it is like feeding a ferocious animal... The more you feed their need for drama and chaos, the harder and nastier they keep coming back. The best solution would have been to ignore the situation and let my lawyer handle it on Monday. By starving the narcissist by not giving him the attention he so craves from me, I would have starved his ego and weakened his sense of empowerment.
Trying to arguing with a delusional narcissist is futile. They lack direction and do not operate in reality... once you get them started they will start spewing out garbage that doesn't even pertain to what the original argument was. Mine starts to throw out all sorts of false allegations... he always seems to think... "well, what I did was okay, because whatever I "think" you did is way worse; therefore, I am completely in the right".... hello Mr. Delusional and your delusional logic.
During the moments, when I don't let my emotions get the best of me and I just completely ignore him, I get the best results... I preserve my dignity, sanity, and sense of peace. The narcissist hates to be ignored. He will continue to try to escalate the situation and get under your skin. When you ignore the narcissist, you are no longer their outlet... they have to find another outlet. If they continue to escalate the situation, others will start seeing the lunacy. My narcissist is only so good at hiding his true colors. If I engage him, I am alone in dealing and experiencing the insanity. If I don't engage him, he will start ranting and raving to anyone who will listen to him... eventually they will figure out that his stories, insinuations, and allegations are all delusions created by a fantastic narcissist.
Why do I share this story? I share it to show that a narcissist never stops... they love drama. They love to provoke you by making drama. When I showed him my anger and displeasure at what he did, he thrived on it and it is like feeding a ferocious animal... The more you feed their need for drama and chaos, the harder and nastier they keep coming back. The best solution would have been to ignore the situation and let my lawyer handle it on Monday. By starving the narcissist by not giving him the attention he so craves from me, I would have starved his ego and weakened his sense of empowerment.
Trying to arguing with a delusional narcissist is futile. They lack direction and do not operate in reality... once you get them started they will start spewing out garbage that doesn't even pertain to what the original argument was. Mine starts to throw out all sorts of false allegations... he always seems to think... "well, what I did was okay, because whatever I "think" you did is way worse; therefore, I am completely in the right".... hello Mr. Delusional and your delusional logic.
During the moments, when I don't let my emotions get the best of me and I just completely ignore him, I get the best results... I preserve my dignity, sanity, and sense of peace. The narcissist hates to be ignored. He will continue to try to escalate the situation and get under your skin. When you ignore the narcissist, you are no longer their outlet... they have to find another outlet. If they continue to escalate the situation, others will start seeing the lunacy. My narcissist is only so good at hiding his true colors. If I engage him, I am alone in dealing and experiencing the insanity. If I don't engage him, he will start ranting and raving to anyone who will listen to him... eventually they will figure out that his stories, insinuations, and allegations are all delusions created by a fantastic narcissist.
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