New Beginnings

I just got back from a wonderful vacation in my hometown- Los Angeles.  The city of Angeles.  I love going back to familiar territory.  The familiar sounds, the sights, the smells.  I especially enjoyed this last trip because I went with my husband.  My husband is wonderful- always encouraging me to go out, have fun, meet friends... all things I cherish.  If you have never been in a relationship with a narcissist you take these things for granted.

When I was with my narcissist, he first started making superficial, vain excuses to not meet with my friends.  At first glance you don't think much of it and rather liken it to an off day that your partner is having.  As the years pass, you realize they aren't excuses.  They are means of keeping you from your past life.

The entire time I was married to this miserable person, I only had one thanksgiving with one of my close friends.  All other holidays, vacations were not shared with any of my friends.  And there in lies, the start of distancing you from your friends, your past- losing more ties to people who can help you when they unleash their destruction on your life.

What I deemed as an innocence from the beginning, could not be further from the truth.  No excuse had any validity as to why I could not see my friends.  When I made new friends, he would find ways to keep me from them.  If I wanted to go out for coffee with a girlfriend, I was being selfish not spending time with my family.  My narcissist would equate me having friends as me being selfish and only caring for myself.  After a few years, the arguments, the attempts as reasoning with insanity, was too much.  I lacked the energy to argue my case.

And then without fail, the narcissist would tell me how much of a loser I am for not having any friends. I could never win with this person.

When I left my narcissist, and moved 3000 miles to get away from him, I reconnected with some dear friends.  True friends are always there for you no matter how far you stray from them!  While on vacation, I visited my childhood friend of 26 years!  Saying that out loud makes me feel my age!

The most wonderful part of this entire trip was sharing my past with my husband... the non-narcissist.  My narcissist used to tell me that LA was a hell hole and that he would never want to visit there... well geesh, asshole never appreciated anything about me to include where I grew up.  And if you don't visit LA with a native, you haven't truly visited LA.  His loss, because on this trip, I realized how much fun it was to live in such a great city.  We visited Universal Studios, LACMA, the La Brea Tarpits, California Science Museum, Santa Barbara, and sooooooo much more.  We also tasted so many wonderful foods that we don't have locally back home.

Narcissists always try to make you feel bad- bad about yourself, your friends, your past- basically every aspect of your life.  They break you down at every opportunity.  I find it quite ludicrous when I look back that my narcissist who grew up in the back woods of Louisiana, would call LA a hell hole.  My narcissist would also criticize something he has never truly tried or truly visited.  Visiting a city and sitting in a hotel is not the same.  You see my narcissist would visit wonderful cities and then lock himself up in his hotel room.  He travelled for work and thought it a bother to venture out.

When you are in a relationship with a narcissist your self esteem is broken by this person's criticisms.  In hindsight, you begin to realize just how much of an ignoramus this person is.  A narcissist is quite gifted at criticizing something he is quite ignorant of.  I think they do this out of fear that people would look down on them for not knowing.  Or perhaps they do it to sound like a know-it-all.

So, I titled this blog post as "new beginnings".  When you finally leave your narcissist and finally are in a normal relationship, you truly have a New Beginning.  With that being said, you take the wisdom from all the hurt, all the destruction, all the chaos and you learn to cherish all the wonderful things a normal relationship brings- and you don't take those things for granted.  

Spending time with my childhood friend was wonderful and I couldn't help but to think that if I was still with my ex, I would never have had the opportunity to visit with her.  Knowing this, I treasured this latest visit even more.

Learning to Not Always Expect the Worst!

When I was with my narcissist, I always expected the worst... there were moments of happiness, but as the years passed they became few and far between... and even the moments when I should have been happy, I knew the storm was just over the horizon.  So I could never truly be happy.  It was hard to enjoy life knowing that inevitably, the narcissist would transform into Jekyl. 

It's been over two years since I have resided in the same state as my ex.  Even now though the scars he has left on my soul torment me.  It's hard to enjoy life all the time because sometimes I still think the worst is yet to come.  But over time, it's these moments of self doubt that have become few and far between.  The reversal has been a slow transformation.  It's the undoing of the shackles that bind us with our narcissist. 

Sometimes it makes me so angry I allowed this person to manipulate me to the point where I lost myself over a decade of anguish, heartache, and misery.  Sometimes I just want to get back at him anyway I can- even though I know that I get the best results by not doing anything and letting them come to their own demise.  And then there are the brilliant moments when I am able to enjoy life, look at what unfolds, and just chuckle to myself and think "what an idiot". 

I sometimes wonder how my boyfriend puts up with me.  I can be the most negative person in the world at times.  Thank goodness that he is restoring my faith in the male species!  I wonder if we have to suffer sometimes to really make us cherish and treasure the good people in our lives.  Throughout my ordeals I have learned - sometimes quite painfully- that some people are just not good for me and that they must be weeded out.  I have lost so many "so called" good friends because they just couldn't stand the drama invoked by the narcissist, but in reality, are these people really all that good of friends?  The sad thing about the whole situation is that unless someone has truly dealt with the full spectrum of the narcissist, they can not understand what you could possibly going through.  They just can't fathom that it really can be just that bad.  When you relay to the person who just cannot emphatize with the outlandish narcissist stories, they just listen in disbelief... disbelief that anything that insane could really happen- but it does to thousands and thousands of people and unfortunately most of the victims are women.

Why is it that most victims are women- is it because we tend to forgive and we want to fix things?  I don't know the real reason.  I know for me I always wanted to believe that the narcissist would realize the lunacy of his actions, learn and mature over time, but we all know that that will never happen. 

How is it that the narcissist cannot see what is so plainly and painfully obvious to the rest of the world?

But I digress, today is another day.  It is sometimes sad and humurous that at times I have to say to myself "don't expect the worst.  You are not there anymore, you are here!" 

The Devaluing of Oneself

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year.   This relationship has been tough- not because it is so awful, but because it is so wonderful.  Kind of hard to understand sometimes... You would think after such a horrible relationship and experience with a narcissist, every other relationship should be easier.  Sometimes on the contrary- because you have to realize that after being with a narcissist for so long, I really was brainwashed into devaluing myself and to think I just didn't deserve better.  Another point to understand is that when you are with a narcissist, drama, insanity, abuse is just expected.  So when I was finally in a healthy relationship, the normalcy put me in unfamiliar territory.  I sometimes would start fights just because that was easier to deal with then dealing with being normal.  I had to later explain to my boyfriend, that I unintentionally start fights because I just expect the worst.  So it became a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. 

There are times when there is nothing to question, and nothing out of the ordinary that I just expected the worst.  None of it came true this past year.  I created my own drama!  Eekers!  I am still learning to be in this normal relationship.  You have to understand that this is very new to me. 

Recovery from the narcissist doesn't end because I physically left the person.  Getting them out of your normal day to day thought processes and dealing with life again without this crazy person takes a lot of time and understanding.  I struggle day to day with this.  Thank goodness my guy is a saint!

Silence is SO GOLDEN!

I haven't written on my blog in a long time.  I have been busy with work and building my new house.  I've learned to not tell my ex about anything that I do or to give him any hints of what is going on in my life.  This drives the narcissist insane.  They can't stand it when you refuse to engage. 

So, as it turns out, I kept my mouth shut about my new house and only shared it with the kids.  He apparently managed to somehow buy a house... oh the email that I got from him bragging about his house that he put a bid in for and it was accepted made me want to gag.  He boasted about how large and beautiful and awesome it was... oh that it was soooo huge and he put in intricate details about size, number of rooms, blah blah blah... The house is the same size as mine and for most of the year it will only be inhabited by me and my boyfriend... whereas he will be in a same size house with SEVEN people.  I had to laugh.  The ludicrous insinuation that this idiot was making that his house was going to be better than mine... who the f&*( cares. 

My narcissist doesn't seem to get it... I really do not care.  I could give a rat's ass - as the saying goes, but he on the other hand has to make it a point to fill me in on the details of his supposed awesome life with his girlfriend... who is still married to husband number three... "for reals???" 

I just keep my mouth shut and laugh in side as he goes on and on about how wonderful he is.  And I say to myself... "what a dumbass".  Not saying anything and not engaging with him on small talk is the best thing to do.  Sometimes it is really hard... like this time, I really wanted to make fun of how he thought his house was so large.  I bit my tongue- boy am I full of cliches today...

So, I guess I am going to take a few minutes to brag about my new house here on my blog- customized house, 2400 square feet, 4 bedrooms, with master bedroom suite.  Awesome kitchen with quartz countertops and a bonus room to hang out in :)  .  So maybe I didn't get to rub it in his face, but I at least got to write about.  I love watching our house being built.  I love the fact that I am picking things out that are the way I want it and not having to settle for what crazy guy deemed as awesome... because we never had the same taste in anything, but there was no compromising- there was only the "you have no sense in style and what you like looks really bad".  When we worked with the designer to tell her what we wanted, colors, etc, she absolutely loved what we were doing.  Everything is contemporary and modern.  The way I want it... clean lines.. none of this frilly, traditional style for this girl.

I can't wait to see it when our house is done.  Maybe I will be brave and even post a few pictures.  Enjoying this time and not sharing in the least with my ex-crazy guy has been wonderful.  Who cares what he thinks and besides it really is none of his business how I decide to live my life.

My little update- turns out he didn't get the house after all and for some reason he told my daughter they weren't moving until the fall.  He went all out bragging about stuff and nothing came to fruition... a lot of times with the narcissist you will find that they are just full of hot air. 

Reflecting Back

If someone were to tell me a year ago that I would be in the midst of building my dream house, I would have told them that they were crazy.  A year ago, I was in a quagmire, trying to get away from my narcissist and uncertain of how the future would turn out.  There were points in my life, where I felt like I would end up in the streets completely ruined.  I felt like this person would stop at nothing to destroy me. 

I slowly took back as many ways as I possibly could the ways in which he could hurt me.  In doing so, I made it ever so much more difficult for him to come after me.  I kept doing what I knew to be right.  Life is never quite perfect, but it sure is a lot easier when you are not with someone who works against you and tries to destroy your every happiness. 

I am so very fortunate that today I am happy to report that I have a great job, an awesome and understanding boss, a great boyfriend, and I am delightfully relishing every aspect of picking out the details of my new house. 

Sometimes we can't see that things will get better, but I tend to believe everything happens for a reason.  I often wish I never met my narcissist and didn't have it so hard for so many years of dealing with this person.  However, in hindsight, my life with my narcissist, has made me a better person.  It has taught me to cherish the people who are genuinely good and to run far away from those who have the personality traits of a narcissist.  It has taught me to enjoy the good fortunes I have had and to live my life to the fullest.  These lessons definitely came with a high price tag, and for that I will take care of them.  I can't say that I have any fond memories of my relationship with my narcissit, but I did learn lessons that I am quite fond of. 

Doing things on my term

Unfortunately I still have to deal with my narcissist on my regular basis for the kids' sake.  However, I have learned to deal with this person on my terms.  I don't give into his insane baits of trying to lure me into his drama filled life.  I don't offer him that satisfaction.  Instead, I have learned the hard way to let him rant and rave and act like he is the king of everything. 

And when he thinks he has had his way, I find clever ways to deal with him- unbeknownst to him.  Taking the power of the narcissist away is both the best defense and offense.  I stopped trying to reason with this person a long time ago.  This is one time when the adage of "never give up" is just plain wrong.  Yes, by all means, give up trying to reason with the narcissist. 

Finding the way to deal with the narcissist or just plain, not dealing with him, has been such a better way of dealing with this person.  Remember the best revenge is to live the best life you can and not let this person interfere with your happiness.  Having fun, laughing, enjoying life- the best way to get even with a narcissist.

Wanted Smart Successful Women for Extreme Abuse

I recently saw a You Tube video about a woman who rode on the hood of a mini van for a whopping 35 MILES!  The report was that she got into an altercation with her husband and she tried to stop him from driving off by getting on the hood of their mini van.  Well, he took her for the ride of her life and nearly killed her.  The police estimated that the wind chill was probably well below freezing and that at times he was going as fast as 100 mph.  They also noted that she was a smart, articulate women who was a paralegal.  They commented on how intelligent this woman was.  He on the other hand had past run-ins with the law for drug related incidences.

Why is it that these narcissistic men target smart, successful wome???  Time and time again I run across women who share similar stories as mine and we all have one thing in common- we are smart, successful, attractive women.  I began to wonder about this and the only conclusion that I can come to, is that they see as a challenge.  Because like all other aspects of life, they see their mate not as a partner, but as a reflection of who they want to be and who they want to be associated with.  I also think that these type of men are attracted by things that are hard to get or better yet, hard to find.  So, to them getting this type of person as a mate, says to the world that they are great... they see us as a trophy to be had.

Once they have us, they become jealous of us for the very reasons that they fall for us.  My ex was always so jealous of my successes at work.  He resorted to sabotaging my work.  There was one incidence when I had to go to Hawaii for several weeks for my work.  He got extremely jealous and even convinced himself that I was having an affair.  The week prior to my departure was pure hell.  He made all sorts of threats and even put a password on my computer so I could not retrieve a presentation that I had been working on for weeks.  He made me pay him $200 to take the password off.  I remember being so anxious to get on that plane to get away from him.  Once I got to Hawaii, he called me over 50 times a day for several days.  I refused to answer any of my calls.  After a few days I relented and took his calls.  He was convinced that I was having an affair... this coming from the person who used to always tell me that I am lucky to have him because no man would want to be with someone like me.

Why is it that when it comes to our professional lives, we make wise, intelligent choices?  But when it comes to love, we make the decision that makes the least sense? 

The other thing to note about these women that I have met, is that they have the most wonderful, out going personalities.  All of these women are kind, caring, and mature and yet for all of our intelligence, we end up with our worst nightmares. 

My girlfriend sat me down in her office one day and looked at me with a stern look.  She said in a frank manner, "it is time for a paradigm shift".  One of the best advice I have ever gotten and really taken to heart.  My current boyfriend, is just awesome and not because he is flashy, or tries to impress people, but because he is just the opposite.  He doesn't seek attention, always tells the truth no matter the consequences, and just genuinely wants the best for not only me, but also for us.  I had to rethink my entire thought pattern and to really think about what it was that I found to be important.  I dated a lot of different people for a while just to figure that out.  So many times I met people who presented well, but when more and more layers became revealed, their stories just didn't match up.  I did a 180 and walked away from those people.  Never again, will I try to make sense of things that just don't make sense.  If their story doesn't add up and my intuition says there is something wrong, I listen to my gut instinct. 

When I started dating my boyfriend, I think I was trying to find holes in his story... sometimes maybe a little too hard, just to be proven that I was overreacting time and time again.  Although my relationship is not far from perfect, the fact that I have always felt safe from harm has had a huge impact. 

Get Out of My Head

After having been with my narcissist for nearly a decade, it is difficult to not hear the insults and be in the world of the real.  So many times when I want to try something new, I often find myself coming to the conclusion that I just am not good enough.

The sad part of this whole routine and dance of low self esteem I do in my head, is that prior to my narcissist,  I used to have a sense of adventure.  The possibility of failing miserably did not deter me from daring to try something new and unique.

Sadly, after having been with my narcissist for so long, I struggle to find that person I used to once be.   I am slowly finding this person again.  My friends who have stuck by me for years remind me that I look like I have taken ten years off of my face and that I am so much more fun to be around again.  No matter how many compliments I get, I still struggle to accept these compliments... since when did I become not good enough to receive these compliments???

Learning to receive compliments and to regain my self esteem is a constant struggle as I recover from my narcissist... One of the things that helps is to slow down, step away from the madness, and really think about what is happening in the moment and not what I think my narcissist would be saying to me as I try new things.  Yes, I fail sometimes, but the big difference is that I am surrounded by people who love me for who I am no matter what.  And yes, I have way more fun trying new things these days.  Even failing has become much more of a joy then when I was in the abusive relationship with a narcissist. 

One of these days I will be enjoying life without giving my narcissist a second thought.  Right now I struggle, but day after day it seems to be getting easier... the more distance and time I put between myself and my narcissist, the easier it gets.

Laughing at Lunacy

It's been over two years since I have been moved thousands of miles away from my Narcissist.  It is amazing how time and distance has brought so much clarity to just how mentally unstable my narcissist really is.  When I was in the situation, I was so emotionally vested that I was blind to what was really going on.  The narcissist is also a great manipulator.  If you start hearing over and over how worthless you are, from someone who supposedly loves you, you start to believe it. 

My narcissist is with someone new.  Thank goodness!  They seem to be right for each other.  His newest victim, has been married three times and is only 32 years old.  In one year this woman managed to get divorced, get married again, and get divorced again.  She is from the country of Georgia and supposedly she was a lawyer there.  Her oldest son is around eleven years old...Now, in our country, she is making t-shirts at a local tourist trap... hmmmm.... does this make any sense????  Married three times, has two kids, somehow managed to have a law degree- which she never used, and is now making t-shirts?????   Did I miss something here????  So, this is what the narcissist reports to me. 

My narcissist is in his 40s.  Most men would have the maturity to see that this woman is nothing but trouble, but to my narcissist, in his own little world, this all makes sense.  Oh, and did I mention, this supposedly brilliant woman does not have a license or a car????  hmmm.   Why would a smart woman, not have a car or her license in this day and age?  Why would an educated woman be working minimum wage making t-shirts?

I share this story, because my narcissist acts and thinks like he is a teenager or at best in his 20s.  His sense of logic does not bode that of someone in their 40s.  Having been removed from the situation, I see just how immature, rash, illogical, my narcissist is.  When  you are in the situation, living it- you don't see what is so obvious to the outside observer. 

It took a long time to try to deal with this person like a business associate.  I do the best I can to try to extract my emotions from the situation and think through my interaction with him with logic and reason.  When I think through his actions logically, I see just how ludicrous it all really is and was.  Sometimes it makes me chuckle, other times I shed some tears at the wasted years in trying to make sense out of something that never did. 

Protecting Your Sanity from a Narcissist

One of the best advice I ever got from my therapist was to have someone else check my emails from me.  Choosing the right person to do this took some careful thought.  I wanted to make sure that this person was not a gossip and would spill the beans.  I found a wonderful friend to do this for me.  She only checked the email once or twice a week and she would strip out all the nasty things he would insert.  She only reported on the important stuff I needed to know and answer.  I would in turn tell her what I wanted in response and she would write back a response void of all emotions.  She treated the emails like she would a business email.

My narcissist would respond back with vile comments still thinking he was writing to me and despite the emotionless response he got from me, he still acted in the same despicable manner.  My friend later revealed to me that she would even get frustrated in dealing with him, even though she had never met or interacted with him.  She understood just how relentless and difficult it was to deal with him.  It was also apparent to her that he was trying to bait me into argument and unnecessary drama.  This is the way of the Narcissist.  They thrive on drama, chaos, arguments, and insane behavior.  They get a sick sense of satisfaction when they get a rise out of you.

His email responses would always come within ten minutes of when she sent responses back to him.  It would annoy him to no end that it would take days sometimes weeks for a response back to his emails.  This taught me a great lesson... respond to the narcissist on my terms and when I want to.  Often times this would help me to calm down before giving him a response.

The narcissist lives in a delusional world of rules that he makes up.  It took me a long time to not buy into his delusional nonsense.  When you are with someone who is narcissistic for a long time you start to believe the insults and nasty things he tells you.  The biggest mistake for me was that I believed he loved me and therefore what he said must have some truth to it.  I learned the hard way that this person is devoid of all emotions for another human being and lacks any type of empathy.  Everything he did was calculating, manipulative to meet the ends of satisying to only person that matter to him- HIMSELF.  Nothing he did was out of love or compassion for me.

If you have a narcissist to deal with on a regular basis, look for ways to shield yourself.  I had to learn to deal with him on my terms.  This meant not responding to emails right away or to not overreact whenever he made threats.  It's easier said than done, but the rewards and benefits of protecting my sanity far outweight the consequences of playing into this games.

Learning to Vent--- the right way!

My ex would often lash out at me by making false allegations and by saying nasty, horrible lies to everyone we knew.  It was often very embarrassing.  When I used to live in a small town where you could not go out to eat, get groceries or go to the movies without running into someone you knew, I would often get nasty looks from his co-workers or friends.  My integrity and reputation were important to me and I would often dread going out in town.  Early on, I used to also think it was important to let everyone hear my side of the story... because I wanted to set the record straight... It took me a long time to realize that these people had already formulated their misguided opinions and that venting just gave them more ill-conversation to share with my ex.  The narcissist is a fantastic, professional liar.  He never had any remorse for the lies he spread--- he always felts he was justified that in this person's crazy reality- even though none of what he spewed out was true, it might as well be because the stories he spread "could" be true in crazy guy's world. 

When people would often ask me why I made the choices I did to get away from this person, I would share my story in great detail... Those who never experienced the narcissist to the extent that I did, never could quite grasp what I went through.  Some of the things I had experienced, were like a Lifetime Movie storyline.  It was rather just hard to fathom for the person fortunate enough to have never experienced the Narcissist.

I have three wonderful people in my life whom I can vent without judgment because they fully understand what I am going through.  It took me years to figure out that these are the only people I can truly share the horrors I have been through.  These women have all lived through similar situations... they understand that when my ex acts up that I start having panic attacks for fear of what he might do next.  They guide me through situations based on their experiences and help me to deal with this person.  Furthermore, they always reiterate to me without hesitation... "when he acts up again, call me".  How comforting to know that I have people in my life who want me to call them when he strikes again.  In an odd way, I am also comforted that these people understand that he will harass me again and that they are there for me to vent my frustrations, pains, and anger.

 Aside from finding these wonderful people, I learned the hard way that the best revenge with a narcissist, is no revenge.  This was such a hard lesson for me and I still struggle with it today.  I learned that fighting a narcissist is a never ending battle because they have an endless amount of energy and will go to lengths that you never dreamed of to hurt you.  I tried for years to keep pace with this crazy guy and would fail so miserably each time... The reason being- I had a conscious and I had limits. 

When I just ignored this person- magically, he did not have me as his personal punching bag anymore... I took that power away from him.  How empowering and liberating that was!  And would you believe, his craziness manifested in other ways... it came out in his work and personal relationships... Years later, some of the same people who once judged me, experienced the same lunatic behavior from him... they later told me they didn't understand why I moved thousands of miles years ago, but having dealt with him, they are starting to understand.  Some of his old friends from twenty years ago... are now just friends with me.  By staying calm, quiet and letting the situation play out... I am regaining my life, my sanity, and peace of mind. 

The narcissist needs an outlet... my advice... don't let the outlet be YOU.  Don't empower this crazy person and don't engage in wasted conversation about your situation with people just don't understand.  You will find the person in your life who understands and who wants to help you because they have been there.  And finally, let this person fall on his own sword... don't make it your mission to set things right.  You will lose so much of yourself in going down this path.  Life is too short... it really is... enjoy YOUR life and not the life the narcissist thinks you deserve.  Once you get your freedom from this person, don't let them weasel their way back.