Narcissist #2

I haven't written on my blog for quite some time.  After a short summer with the kids, life is just moving along.  I am happy to report that I am remarried and the difference between a relationship with a narcissist and a non-narcissist is heavenly bliss.  No longer do I find myself second guess myself- which from the outside must sound a bit strange.  But for those of us who have had the misfortune of the narcissist, we know that thinking less of yourself when you are with that someone is just part of the norm. 

Amazingly a blast from my past came rushing in a few weeks ago.  My ex-husband was not the only relationship I have had to contend with.  I have experienced three horrific, happiness draining relationship with 3 of these monsters.  Finally, after the last one, I had to admit that it was something about my personality that just kept ending up in the same place--- I will write the revelations I have had in regards to this subject in a future blog.

So, narcissist number two- I don't know why, but recently as I was reflecting on some of my past relationships, I was thinking about this particular evil-doer.  Curiosity led to finding him on facebook and seeing that he was remarried.  I guess I couldn't stop there, because this person was just incapable of having a good relationship.  So, as my curiosity grew, I felt that somehow maybe I was wrong and maybe it was really just me... that little voice in my head- the one that is always blaming myself, came rearing its ugly head the other day.  So, I look further into the situation to find out that he had cheated on his wife and that they are going through a divorce.  Wow- some people never change.  In the midst of all this, my heart just pours out to this woman because I could just imagine what she must be going through.  So, I contact her... I was fearful of how this woman would react because I am sure that my ex- only had nasty things to spew out about me.  But then a miracle- she is happy to hear from me and we exchange stories and I am quite dumbfounded by what happens next.

She tells me that he has been telling her that he was in the Army... WHAT!!!  This person was never in the Army because he had epilepsy.  I was the one in the Army, but it gets even better.  To continue on with this charade, he makes up wild stories and even gets a tattoo indicating that he was in the Army.  He took tidbits of people in my unit, took their names and incorporated them into his lies, his facade, his grand DELUSION!  He goes around telling people that the scars on his back are from shrapnel.  Having lost a few friends to the recent wars, I am literally disgusted, but not too surprised.  I am a little taken aback to the extent his lies have grown.  To top it all off, he took my uniforms, and acted like they were his from his "time" in the Army. 

Absolutely no boundaries, and no regard for the men and women who have sacrificed to rightfully wear their uniforms.  To top it all off, he tells a judge that he was in the Army- perjuring himself.  Absolutely no boundaries, no respect for the law, no respect for anyone- like all true narcissists, it is about me, myself and I.

I am glad I reached out to this woman.  She is a brilliant woman with a Ph'd and has been an educator for over 20 years.  I am willing to help her... he tried to bankrupt me, ruin my career, tried to disgrace me - and to hear he is still doing the same things to his victims- just makes me sick to my stomach.  She too has had to face financial, professional and personal difficulties because of the narcissist.  Unfortunately there is a child involved and as if the child is a status symbol, the child is placed smack dab in the middle of the lies, the insanity. 

How far will the narcissist go to continue their facade?  What will happen when this narcissist's lies and pretenses come to light.  How far will he go to keep his secrets?  The outcome, the answer, scares me to think about it. 

I can Learn A Lot From My Dog

My dog is an escape artist.  She got out last week and got into a car accident.  I am forever grateful that the person who hit her did not leave her on the side of the road.  He took her to the vet and we were notified when they ran her microchip.  So last week, we had to make the decision to either try to screw her leg back together and keep her in a cage for months so she could heal or they could amputate her leg.  Knowing her personality, I couldn't picture her doing to well being sedated and immobile in a cage for months.  So, we made the difficult decision to amputate her leg.  I was crushed.  This tiny dog that weighed only seven pounds, and only a year old, would lose a leg!  I was devastated.  She is the most energetic dog I have ever had.  She would drive us nuts with her boundless energy.  I couldn't picture her without a leg and without that boundless energy. 

We picked her up after the surgery and it has only been about five days she has been home.  She is already trying to run around and it is just amazing how quickly she is recovering.  I went on you tube and watched some videos of dogs with only three legs.  In one video, a dog who lost a leg only two weeks before, was already running and playing fetch.  My dog is not quite back to herself, but she is getting there.  Two days after her surgery she was trotting along, wagging her tail. 

This past year has been difficult.  My divorce was finalized after two years and it has been hard for me to come to terms that I don't get to see my kids all the time.  It has also been difficult to watch them transform by the influence of the narcissist and it scares me to think that they too might be just like him.  My friends have termed as a "worry wort".  Yes, I worry about things that I have no control over.  It drags me down and makes it hard for me to live my life. 

So I have been watching my dog- and she doesn't mope for her missing leg, all depressed.  I have been watching her adapt to what she does have- three perfectly healthy legs.  This morning I had the fortune of hearing the highest ranking surviving fire fighter give a very heartfelt emotional speech.  And in the end, I thought it was poignant and so relevant to all of us to be grateful for what we have.  I posted a link from youtube that shows him giving a speech. 

When I was with my narcissist, I was and still am constantly grieving for the lost time, spent emotions, lost opportunities and I just get so sad.  So sad about everything the narcissist took away from me in the past.  So bitter at times that I forget to fully enjoy the life that I have now at this very moment.  I have a great job, great boss, great guy, great house and obviously a great dog.  Between watching my dog this week and hearing the speech of Richard Piccoto, I have been reminded that I need appreciate and enjoy what I have.  On another note, I think my experience with the narcissist has also put in to perspective how much worse things can get.  I will never forget all the hell this man put me through, but it is time to put it towards the good things in life.  This week, I have applied to volunteer at a local domestic violence shelter for women.  I could mope and grieve for what he did, or I could take what I learned and put it to good use. 

So I want to encourage those of you reading this, to do something positive from your experience with the narcissist.  Help another woman get out of a bad situation, share your experience and hopefully someone else will get out of bad relationship because it is like the experience of my dog, it isn't about the limb she lost, but about the three healthy legs that she has learned to adapt with. 

Here we go again

I enjoyed the summer with the kids- three thousand miles away from the narcissist.  It was great for everyone involved.  The truth of the matter is I had to give up having my kids close to me all the time to get away from the crazy guy.  It was not an easy decision to come to, but I saw how he was roping the kids into his games just to get even with me.  So as painful as it was, I left and resigned to see them for only three months of the year.  As painful and as unfair I know this is, it was the best solution to a difficult situation.  I just dropped my kids off with their dad and less than an hour later I got a nasty email from him accusing me of stealing their medical and ID cards because as he puts it that I am not their custodial parent.  He also insinuates that I must have had a team of medical experts check them out over the summer and that he wants all their records.  Pattern... yes pattern.

We are about to go to court again because he violated the terms of our divorce decree less than two months after it was signed.  You see, he was supposed to have them fly into a mutually agreed upon airport or if an agreement could not be made.  Instead he flew them into an airport that was five hours away and the return flight was for 6 am.  UGH!

Every time we are about to go to court, I get accused of something.  And if it isn't me, it is the kids' teachers who step forwards and are willing to testify on my behalf.  This is the pattern that I am referring to.    I feel badly for everyone that gets involved.  This past year, he had a teacher fired from their school.

I moved three thousand miles to get away from this insanity... so I could survive and be sane.  I could not take it anymore.  The constant calling of the police, making false allegations, showing up at my work place, trying to get me fired, stalking me, trying to bait me into another chaotic situation that I would have to deal with.  It was all too daunting.


I wanted to desperately to be able to move with the kids and get them away from all this lunacy.  Unfortunately I lived in a state that punishes you for trying to get away from an abusive person with your children.  For this, I get judged all the time as a heartless mother.  But to those critics, I say to you- have you ever experienced true narcissism.  I could have stayed and I would have continued to deteriorate.  My kids would have been ensnared in all the mess every day.  I would have had to interact with him on a much more regular basis.  At least now, the kids can see me without the chaos and the drama- in my home, in my safe haven, away from the narcissist.  I get some sense of peace and so do they. 

I try to limit my interaction with my narcissist.  It is for my own benefit.  But when he feels I haven't given him sufficient attention, he stirs up trouble for me... and all I can say is "here we go again".  Reasoning with this lunatic is a complete and utter waste of time.  Unless you comply exactly as he demands, he will relentlessly make your life completely miserable.  So, I realize that there is little I can do.  The best thing for me to do is to limit my interaction with him and let him do his own thing.  He stated to me that he will get the ID cards from me by "any means necessary".

I actually hope he does... I hope he calls the police, the government, the lawyers, whomever he deems necessary... because I have the paperwork that says I have the right.  Just getting the cards was a painstaking hassle.  I had to repeatedly remind him of our divorce decree and that he is in contempt of court if he doesn't provide them to me... what a pain and what an ass he is and will always be. 

So, I have taken away many of the ways he used to hurt me.  It is much harder for him to hassle me from three thousand miles away.  So he resorts to minute, trivial things like insurance cards.  How pathetic that he spends his time inventing new ways to get to me.  I should be somewhat flattered by all the attention he gives me... "hey crazy guy, I didn't know I was worth all the trouble".   The less attention I give this guy, the more he spends his time and energy... He just can't stand to be ignored and I can't wait until the day he does ignore me for good.  I just want some peace and to enjoy by time with the kids... isn't it enough for him that he gets the kids the majority  of the time?  Nothing is enough for the narcissist.

I needed to vent and let out some frustration in my blog today.  Now, it is time for me to live my life and to not think about him.  I have decided to ignore the email that he shot back at me today until friday.  I am going to enjoy the rest of the week.  He can stew in his own misery and wonder why I haven't bothered to give him the time of day by reading his pathetic, sophomoric replies.  :)

My World of Denial

Epiphanies---- you will have moments where you go "A-Ha!"... my therapist once told me that.  On the journey to finding those treasured "a Ha!" moments, I went through a lot of denial.  Denial that I could really be with someone who could truly be soulless.  Why do we deny, deny, deny what is so apparent to everyone else?  Blinded by our emotions, unable to think through what is really happening with logic and reason.  Sometimes when I share my story with someone, they just shake their head in disbelief that I could be duped in such a manner.  "How could you possibly not see what was happening?" 

I don't have the exact reason or science to this.  It just is what it is.  I kept telling myself that surely this person will see how illogical and insane his actions are and will change.  I told myself this over and over and kept going back for more and more abuse.  In hindsight, I was the one who was illogical... yes, ME.  I kept going back to an irreparable, stoic, cruel situation.  At some point, I have to take some responbility for what unfolded.  No, I didn't deserve his cruelty, but I could have walked away years ago and saved myself years of torment. 

So here I am today, in a much better place.  Out of fear and panic of repeating my mistakes, I have gone to the other extreme- I refuse to accept things just for what they are... I tend to assume the worst is going to happen in my new relationship and yet it never comes to fruition.  So, I am a little angry sometimes that because of this one crazy person, I have become a bit jaded.  It is a constant struggle in which I have to tell myself that who I am with is not that crazy guy. 

So, I don't want to be the victim again, but I struggle to find the perfect middle ground.  Logic and reason sometimes just goes out the door because I have had to deal with such an evil, manipulative person.  So, what the lesson here... I just don't know.  I guess for starters, if you think you are with a narcissist- research what a narcissist is and look for the signs.  Once the math adds up, run like hell.  Second, once you are ready to start, be careful not to let the narcissist interfere your new life by filling your head with paranoid, untrusting thoughts.

Learning to deal with things as they are, right now and not letting the past influence my present life... what a struggle this has become at times.

Not a level playing field

I think we can all agree that from our earliest childhood memories we can recall that we were always taught that good will prevail against evil.  For most of us, we tend to believe this as a core value.  When I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship, I really wanted to believe that goodness and especially the truth would prevail.  I wanted to right so many wrongs- and in doing so I expended so much energy and at times just came across as someone who was mentally unstable.  How miserable to be in an abusive relationship and in trying to right the wrongs of the abuser, we become obsessed with "fixing it".  It took me a long time, a lot of heartache and pain, to just learn to walk away. 

Do you ever feel like you just want to prove to the world, what a horrible person your narcissist is?  They have no conscience and dare I say it--they have no soul.  They feel no remorse or guilt for the horrible things they inflict on you.  When someone acts without emotion, they act like a robot... they drive you insane, breakdown your defenses, and when you lash out and just lose it- they magically, turn to world and say "see, look at what a crazy person I have to deal with".  They are so good at this game.  My ex used to follow me around with a video camera for weeks, stalk me, and when I just about it had it and starting breaking dishes and screaming out of pure anger and frustration, he would jump into his calm demeanor and call upon his friends and everyone else to "show them just what a crazy person I was".  Then I would frantically, try to show and explain to people what had been going on for weeks and sometimes even months... why I broke down.  None of it mattered, all that mattered was that their friend or colleague had successfully duped them into demonstrating the aftermath... when you finally break down. 

The abused person has a normal reaction to someone who torments and abuses them.  The narcissist has a cold, calculated, manipulated reaction.  Thus this creates an uneven playing field.  When the other person lacks the ability to have normal reactions and emotions, fair just goes out the window.  There is nothing fair, nothing nice, nothing decent when dealing with a narcissist. 

Many times, by the time you realize you are with a narcissist, the damage has been done.   His friends think you are nuts and emphatize with the narcissist because they have to deal with the likes of  you... It took me a long time to just say "f*ck it.  I don't give a damn anymore what other people think and I especially don't care what you (the narcissist) thinks of me".  Best therapy of my life.  Walking away, not being a part of the chaos the narcissist ensues, was the best remedy.    Because when one person doesn't have the ability to play fair, why play at all?  Why give them the satisfaction?  Let them move on to the next victim- so they leave you alone and let you recover and heal. 

I hope I can reach someone who thinks that the best course of action is to extract revenge or to somehow show the world the true nature of the narcissist.  I hope that they just turn around and say,  "I will live the best life ever and that will be the best revenge".  Because when they see they haven't gotten to you and that you have moved on, it will eat them up.   They will be consumed with what they deem as "unfairness"... because in their minds you don't deserve it, you deserve to be miserable for ever.  Let them wallow in their own misery.  Let them stew in their own jealousy. 

My house is almost done- two more weeks.  I have a great job and a wonderful guy in my life.  I will be posting pictures of our finished house soon.  Living a life of peace and happiness is my number one goal.  Never again will I let the narcissist ensnare me in his chaos.  Never again, will I let this person degrade me.  Never again will I let this person have any say in how I feel, how I live, and who I am. 

Learning to Not Always Expect the Worst!

When I was with my narcissist, I always expected the worst... there were moments of happiness, but as the years passed they became few and far between... and even the moments when I should have been happy, I knew the storm was just over the horizon.  So I could never truly be happy.  It was hard to enjoy life knowing that inevitably, the narcissist would transform into Jekyl. 

It's been over two years since I have resided in the same state as my ex.  Even now though the scars he has left on my soul torment me.  It's hard to enjoy life all the time because sometimes I still think the worst is yet to come.  But over time, it's these moments of self doubt that have become few and far between.  The reversal has been a slow transformation.  It's the undoing of the shackles that bind us with our narcissist. 

Sometimes it makes me so angry I allowed this person to manipulate me to the point where I lost myself over a decade of anguish, heartache, and misery.  Sometimes I just want to get back at him anyway I can- even though I know that I get the best results by not doing anything and letting them come to their own demise.  And then there are the brilliant moments when I am able to enjoy life, look at what unfolds, and just chuckle to myself and think "what an idiot". 

I sometimes wonder how my boyfriend puts up with me.  I can be the most negative person in the world at times.  Thank goodness that he is restoring my faith in the male species!  I wonder if we have to suffer sometimes to really make us cherish and treasure the good people in our lives.  Throughout my ordeals I have learned - sometimes quite painfully- that some people are just not good for me and that they must be weeded out.  I have lost so many "so called" good friends because they just couldn't stand the drama invoked by the narcissist, but in reality, are these people really all that good of friends?  The sad thing about the whole situation is that unless someone has truly dealt with the full spectrum of the narcissist, they can not understand what you could possibly going through.  They just can't fathom that it really can be just that bad.  When you relay to the person who just cannot emphatize with the outlandish narcissist stories, they just listen in disbelief... disbelief that anything that insane could really happen- but it does to thousands and thousands of people and unfortunately most of the victims are women.

Why is it that most victims are women- is it because we tend to forgive and we want to fix things?  I don't know the real reason.  I know for me I always wanted to believe that the narcissist would realize the lunacy of his actions, learn and mature over time, but we all know that that will never happen. 

How is it that the narcissist cannot see what is so plainly and painfully obvious to the rest of the world?

But I digress, today is another day.  It is sometimes sad and humurous that at times I have to say to myself "don't expect the worst.  You are not there anymore, you are here!" 

The Devaluing of Oneself

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year.   This relationship has been tough- not because it is so awful, but because it is so wonderful.  Kind of hard to understand sometimes... You would think after such a horrible relationship and experience with a narcissist, every other relationship should be easier.  Sometimes on the contrary- because you have to realize that after being with a narcissist for so long, I really was brainwashed into devaluing myself and to think I just didn't deserve better.  Another point to understand is that when you are with a narcissist, drama, insanity, abuse is just expected.  So when I was finally in a healthy relationship, the normalcy put me in unfamiliar territory.  I sometimes would start fights just because that was easier to deal with then dealing with being normal.  I had to later explain to my boyfriend, that I unintentionally start fights because I just expect the worst.  So it became a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. 

There are times when there is nothing to question, and nothing out of the ordinary that I just expected the worst.  None of it came true this past year.  I created my own drama!  Eekers!  I am still learning to be in this normal relationship.  You have to understand that this is very new to me. 

Recovery from the narcissist doesn't end because I physically left the person.  Getting them out of your normal day to day thought processes and dealing with life again without this crazy person takes a lot of time and understanding.  I struggle day to day with this.  Thank goodness my guy is a saint!

Doing things on my term

Unfortunately I still have to deal with my narcissist on my regular basis for the kids' sake.  However, I have learned to deal with this person on my terms.  I don't give into his insane baits of trying to lure me into his drama filled life.  I don't offer him that satisfaction.  Instead, I have learned the hard way to let him rant and rave and act like he is the king of everything. 

And when he thinks he has had his way, I find clever ways to deal with him- unbeknownst to him.  Taking the power of the narcissist away is both the best defense and offense.  I stopped trying to reason with this person a long time ago.  This is one time when the adage of "never give up" is just plain wrong.  Yes, by all means, give up trying to reason with the narcissist. 

Finding the way to deal with the narcissist or just plain, not dealing with him, has been such a better way of dealing with this person.  Remember the best revenge is to live the best life you can and not let this person interfere with your happiness.  Having fun, laughing, enjoying life- the best way to get even with a narcissist.

Wanted Smart Successful Women for Extreme Abuse

I recently saw a You Tube video about a woman who rode on the hood of a mini van for a whopping 35 MILES!  The report was that she got into an altercation with her husband and she tried to stop him from driving off by getting on the hood of their mini van.  Well, he took her for the ride of her life and nearly killed her.  The police estimated that the wind chill was probably well below freezing and that at times he was going as fast as 100 mph.  They also noted that she was a smart, articulate women who was a paralegal.  They commented on how intelligent this woman was.  He on the other hand had past run-ins with the law for drug related incidences.

Why is it that these narcissistic men target smart, successful wome???  Time and time again I run across women who share similar stories as mine and we all have one thing in common- we are smart, successful, attractive women.  I began to wonder about this and the only conclusion that I can come to, is that they see as a challenge.  Because like all other aspects of life, they see their mate not as a partner, but as a reflection of who they want to be and who they want to be associated with.  I also think that these type of men are attracted by things that are hard to get or better yet, hard to find.  So, to them getting this type of person as a mate, says to the world that they are great... they see us as a trophy to be had.

Once they have us, they become jealous of us for the very reasons that they fall for us.  My ex was always so jealous of my successes at work.  He resorted to sabotaging my work.  There was one incidence when I had to go to Hawaii for several weeks for my work.  He got extremely jealous and even convinced himself that I was having an affair.  The week prior to my departure was pure hell.  He made all sorts of threats and even put a password on my computer so I could not retrieve a presentation that I had been working on for weeks.  He made me pay him $200 to take the password off.  I remember being so anxious to get on that plane to get away from him.  Once I got to Hawaii, he called me over 50 times a day for several days.  I refused to answer any of my calls.  After a few days I relented and took his calls.  He was convinced that I was having an affair... this coming from the person who used to always tell me that I am lucky to have him because no man would want to be with someone like me.

Why is it that when it comes to our professional lives, we make wise, intelligent choices?  But when it comes to love, we make the decision that makes the least sense? 

The other thing to note about these women that I have met, is that they have the most wonderful, out going personalities.  All of these women are kind, caring, and mature and yet for all of our intelligence, we end up with our worst nightmares. 

My girlfriend sat me down in her office one day and looked at me with a stern look.  She said in a frank manner, "it is time for a paradigm shift".  One of the best advice I have ever gotten and really taken to heart.  My current boyfriend, is just awesome and not because he is flashy, or tries to impress people, but because he is just the opposite.  He doesn't seek attention, always tells the truth no matter the consequences, and just genuinely wants the best for not only me, but also for us.  I had to rethink my entire thought pattern and to really think about what it was that I found to be important.  I dated a lot of different people for a while just to figure that out.  So many times I met people who presented well, but when more and more layers became revealed, their stories just didn't match up.  I did a 180 and walked away from those people.  Never again, will I try to make sense of things that just don't make sense.  If their story doesn't add up and my intuition says there is something wrong, I listen to my gut instinct. 

When I started dating my boyfriend, I think I was trying to find holes in his story... sometimes maybe a little too hard, just to be proven that I was overreacting time and time again.  Although my relationship is not far from perfect, the fact that I have always felt safe from harm has had a huge impact. 

Somethings are Just Not Acceptable Anymore

I've realized that having been through such a tramatic relationship with someone for so long, that I cannot tolerant certain things anymore.  One very important thing that makes me run from a relationship is someone who knowingly hurts me.   I just cannot tolerate it anymore- nor should I.  Why should I compromise being in a relationship where someone doesn't care to consider my feelings.  I foolishly did this for ten very long years.  I allowed it to happen.  So, if I allow it to continue to happen in my future relationships and refuse to learn and grow, I have no one to blame but myself. 

I refuse to be a victim again.