Here we go again

I enjoyed the summer with the kids- three thousand miles away from the narcissist.  It was great for everyone involved.  The truth of the matter is I had to give up having my kids close to me all the time to get away from the crazy guy.  It was not an easy decision to come to, but I saw how he was roping the kids into his games just to get even with me.  So as painful as it was, I left and resigned to see them for only three months of the year.  As painful and as unfair I know this is, it was the best solution to a difficult situation.  I just dropped my kids off with their dad and less than an hour later I got a nasty email from him accusing me of stealing their medical and ID cards because as he puts it that I am not their custodial parent.  He also insinuates that I must have had a team of medical experts check them out over the summer and that he wants all their records.  Pattern... yes pattern.

We are about to go to court again because he violated the terms of our divorce decree less than two months after it was signed.  You see, he was supposed to have them fly into a mutually agreed upon airport or if an agreement could not be made.  Instead he flew them into an airport that was five hours away and the return flight was for 6 am.  UGH!

Every time we are about to go to court, I get accused of something.  And if it isn't me, it is the kids' teachers who step forwards and are willing to testify on my behalf.  This is the pattern that I am referring to.    I feel badly for everyone that gets involved.  This past year, he had a teacher fired from their school.

I moved three thousand miles to get away from this insanity... so I could survive and be sane.  I could not take it anymore.  The constant calling of the police, making false allegations, showing up at my work place, trying to get me fired, stalking me, trying to bait me into another chaotic situation that I would have to deal with.  It was all too daunting.


I wanted to desperately to be able to move with the kids and get them away from all this lunacy.  Unfortunately I lived in a state that punishes you for trying to get away from an abusive person with your children.  For this, I get judged all the time as a heartless mother.  But to those critics, I say to you- have you ever experienced true narcissism.  I could have stayed and I would have continued to deteriorate.  My kids would have been ensnared in all the mess every day.  I would have had to interact with him on a much more regular basis.  At least now, the kids can see me without the chaos and the drama- in my home, in my safe haven, away from the narcissist.  I get some sense of peace and so do they. 

I try to limit my interaction with my narcissist.  It is for my own benefit.  But when he feels I haven't given him sufficient attention, he stirs up trouble for me... and all I can say is "here we go again".  Reasoning with this lunatic is a complete and utter waste of time.  Unless you comply exactly as he demands, he will relentlessly make your life completely miserable.  So, I realize that there is little I can do.  The best thing for me to do is to limit my interaction with him and let him do his own thing.  He stated to me that he will get the ID cards from me by "any means necessary".

I actually hope he does... I hope he calls the police, the government, the lawyers, whomever he deems necessary... because I have the paperwork that says I have the right.  Just getting the cards was a painstaking hassle.  I had to repeatedly remind him of our divorce decree and that he is in contempt of court if he doesn't provide them to me... what a pain and what an ass he is and will always be. 

So, I have taken away many of the ways he used to hurt me.  It is much harder for him to hassle me from three thousand miles away.  So he resorts to minute, trivial things like insurance cards.  How pathetic that he spends his time inventing new ways to get to me.  I should be somewhat flattered by all the attention he gives me... "hey crazy guy, I didn't know I was worth all the trouble".   The less attention I give this guy, the more he spends his time and energy... He just can't stand to be ignored and I can't wait until the day he does ignore me for good.  I just want some peace and to enjoy by time with the kids... isn't it enough for him that he gets the kids the majority  of the time?  Nothing is enough for the narcissist.

I needed to vent and let out some frustration in my blog today.  Now, it is time for me to live my life and to not think about him.  I have decided to ignore the email that he shot back at me today until friday.  I am going to enjoy the rest of the week.  He can stew in his own misery and wonder why I haven't bothered to give him the time of day by reading his pathetic, sophomoric replies.  :)

PTSD

First of all, I highly recommend getting a therapist if you are or have dealt with a narcissist.  My therapy time was in many ways my safe time.  No one to answer to, no one asking me "why did you stay with him for so long?" or making comments like- "well you are the one who married him".  I had a wonderful therapist and I would really like to find another one, but the thought of having to revisit old wounds and tell the story again, just seems to painful right now.  So I have just let this one slide, but I think it would do me some good.  One of the things my last therapist explained was that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of everything I have been through.  I didn't want to believe it... I just thought I would go through normal depression issues like anyone in my situation would.  It wasn't until I moved away from my ex that I discovered exactly what she was talking about.

As I was unpacking my things, I found a rather large number of Glad Plug-ins.  My ex was obsessed with these things.  Insisted on putting them everywhere.  So, out of habit, I started to plug them into my new apartment.  It was like I was a robot, trained to always stick these things into every open outlet.  A few minutes later, I wanted to vomit from the smell and I felt dizzy.  I had to immediately go unplug them, throw them in the dumpster and lay down.  And then there it was, I realized that I really did have PTSD.  Many times when you go through a relationship with a narcissist, it is so traumatic, that like the battle-weary soldier, there will be certain things that trigger your memory of the trauma caused by the narcissist. 

I get angry sometimes when I think about all the invisible scars this person has left on my emotional and mental well-being. 

So, here I am nearly three years after I left crazy guy, and I am finally in my new house.  I used to hate going home to my ex because it was just plain unpleasant... all the insults, all the criticism, all the tension, all the stress... this summer I made the unfortunate decision to allow my boyfriend's mother to come and watch my kids.  Ugh, what a horrible idea this was... Mothers- so many seem to have a hard time realizing that their little boys are grown up and they are no longer in charge.  So, as we moved into our new house, this women had an opinion about everything- "if it were me, I would... blah blah blah".  She also disapproves of something I do on a regular basis and instead of just saying it, she walks away shaking her head visibly in disgust.  Now mind you, she is for the most part great with my kids and I am sure that she means well.  I also think that she walks away shaking her head visibly biting her tongue because she realizes that it is better to not say anything.  For weeks though, I have dreaded coming home to listen to another "if it were me" statement in regards to how she would decorate the house... my house is very contemporary.  Her house is anything but contemporary, so I try to ignore these statements.  I have also dreaded coming home to just have her walk away from me for her daily disapproval...

After a few weeks of this, I blew up.  I went into a yelling tirade with my boyfriend... he just looked at me in bewilderment.  It took me a few days to realize, that when I come home, I have to be in a peaceful, environment.  This woman, was making my home life unbearable, and it reminded me all too much of the same feeling I had when I would come home to my ex. 

My boyfriend was very sweet- he told his mom that he would take a few days off to spend some time with the kids and relieved her of watching the kids the rest of the week.  This has given me a reprieve for about four days to de-stress and have some peace.  It has been rather pleasant... no more tip-toeing around my own house. 

Just because you finish dealing with your narcissist, doesn't necessarily mean that your heart, soul, and brain are ready to move on.  I am still a disciple of learning to understand where my source of pain, frustration, and anger comes from sometimes... sometimes it is just a plain struggle to realize that you really aren't as angry at the situation, but that it really just reminds you of something you had to deal with crazy guy.  Also, just no longer being around their delusion, and living in complete reality again- this too is not an easy task... when you are with the narcissist for so long, they tend to brainwash you.  Detoxifying yourself from all that nonsense they fed you, takes time.  Learning to take care of yourself first and not taking care of the latest drama that your narcissist through at you... this too is an art.  I don't have the answers, nor will I have them all.  I think it is time for me to get another good therapist to help me get through this phase of my recovery.  These are just the thoughts going through my head as of late.

*roll of the eyes*

I am spending the summer with my kids.  It's hard not to see them all the time.  It was the price I had to pay to get away from crazy guy, but I knew in my heart that this too would only be temporary.  Even they would eventually see the lunacy of his behavior. 

As I was unpacking my oldest daughter's bag, I asked her why this time there were no vitamins packed... vitamins- one of the last resorts of the control freak.  The last few times he would send a pack of vitamins on send illicit details on how to give it to the kids- which I complied without saying a word- just merely a roll of the eyes because I knew it was to get a rise out of me.  Since he got none, I guess he just moved on to other ways of trying to keep control over me.  Her answer to me was that dad did not pack the vitamins because I would just "throw them away".  I asked her quite plainly- "have you ever seen me throw away your vitamins?"  In which she replied, no.  As I turned and rolled my eyes again. 

What the narcissist doesn't realize in his delusional world that in trying to be the favored parent by making up insinuations and lies, he is trying just over time slowly revealing his true nature.  Because even for his children, he cannot but show his true nature.  He just simply cannot help himself.  Even they will be able to see through the lies as they get older. 

I've learned to just not play into his sophomoric chicanery.  I just "roll my eyes".  By being above his tactics of deception and lies, over time it becomes evident who the true victim and who the true liar is.  I just laugh at his idiotic lame attempts at trying to make me into something I am not.  Because in reality- he is scared.  Scared that the kids will have a fantastic time with me and that when they are old enough they will be able to tell the judge that they prefer to live with mom.  It's his fear that turns him into this ugly, pathetic person.  He doesn't know how to behave through the fear in rational terms- so he resorts to deception, lies, and manipulation. 

This resonates throughout every aspect of his life... scared that he will become insignificant at work- therefore he bolsters himself with fantastic accomplishments.  Scared of getting old, therefore he becomes a shallow, vain shell of a being.  Scared the others would learn the truth about them, therefore, therefore they aim to surround themselves with people they are secretly jealous of and want to be. 

What a sad way to live a life.  How tiring it must be to be so consummed with appearances or scared of their own shadows.  Well to that, I roll my eyes, I stay quiet and live the best life, and I say "boo"- scared of me yet?  because you should be.  I am not one of those people you will manipulate any longer.  You know that I know the truth about you.  You also know that I see right through you for the hollow person you really are.  But best of all, you know you won't get away with the lies and deception with me anymore.

I checked an email from crazy guy today and true to his label, he made another crazy insinuation.  So apparently him not being able to buy his house was somehow my fault... hahaha... I have to laugh because I moved three thousand miles to get away from nut case and he still seems to find the energy to blame me... so apparently moving will cause a disruption in where the kids will attend school and he is afraid that I will some how "litigate" him for moving the kids to a different a school... EXCEPT.... wait a minute crazy guy logic- you forgot that we moved when we were married and our daughter got to stay in the same school because she has special needs...

Why do I share this story.... only because it just goes to show you how logic fails the narcissist... perhaps you crazy nut case you can't buy your house because you insisted on foreclosing our house to "teach me a lesson".... except it was karma... the mortgage was solely in your name... so you shot yourself in the foot... all I have to say... what a DUMBASS!  What goes around comes around.

I love how these narcissists think that they can just keep spewing their vile, irrational BS and that they think somehow they will remain immune to it forever. 

Why did my crazy ex try to point the finger at me for his latest misgivings???  I think it is because he would rather lie, rant, and blame others then to face the truth of the whole matter... I want to say to him "you screwed up by trying to hurt me... in the end you only hurt yourself.  I hope you learned your lesson, but I know better.  You will never learn from your mistakes because somehow in your irraitonal mind you found yet another way to blame me for all your misery and your horrible life.  So now you are embarrassed and you feel that you must blame me yet again... except I am no longer your punching bag.  I got away from you for a reason- think about that while."

I started writing an email in which I pointed out the fact that not being able to buy his house was due to his poor choices and a few other lines where I wanted to rub it in his face... in the end, I erased all those lines and wrote an emotionless response to his email- which I am sure he will find a way to try to pick a fight with me- I refuse to give him that satisfaction ever again. 

The narcissist must always find someone else to blame for his woes.  In his mind he is always perfect; therefore it must be someone else's fault- oh heaven forbid if they should ever face reality.  That would require a level of maturity that the narcissist is never able to achieve.  If you really think about it, it really is sad that the narcissist lives in a world far from reality and can never grow and learn from his own mistakes.  Just further evidence that thte narcissist is his worst enermy.

The Devaluing of Oneself

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year.   This relationship has been tough- not because it is so awful, but because it is so wonderful.  Kind of hard to understand sometimes... You would think after such a horrible relationship and experience with a narcissist, every other relationship should be easier.  Sometimes on the contrary- because you have to realize that after being with a narcissist for so long, I really was brainwashed into devaluing myself and to think I just didn't deserve better.  Another point to understand is that when you are with a narcissist, drama, insanity, abuse is just expected.  So when I was finally in a healthy relationship, the normalcy put me in unfamiliar territory.  I sometimes would start fights just because that was easier to deal with then dealing with being normal.  I had to later explain to my boyfriend, that I unintentionally start fights because I just expect the worst.  So it became a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. 

There are times when there is nothing to question, and nothing out of the ordinary that I just expected the worst.  None of it came true this past year.  I created my own drama!  Eekers!  I am still learning to be in this normal relationship.  You have to understand that this is very new to me. 

Recovery from the narcissist doesn't end because I physically left the person.  Getting them out of your normal day to day thought processes and dealing with life again without this crazy person takes a lot of time and understanding.  I struggle day to day with this.  Thank goodness my guy is a saint!

Reflecting Back

If someone were to tell me a year ago that I would be in the midst of building my dream house, I would have told them that they were crazy.  A year ago, I was in a quagmire, trying to get away from my narcissist and uncertain of how the future would turn out.  There were points in my life, where I felt like I would end up in the streets completely ruined.  I felt like this person would stop at nothing to destroy me. 

I slowly took back as many ways as I possibly could the ways in which he could hurt me.  In doing so, I made it ever so much more difficult for him to come after me.  I kept doing what I knew to be right.  Life is never quite perfect, but it sure is a lot easier when you are not with someone who works against you and tries to destroy your every happiness. 

I am so very fortunate that today I am happy to report that I have a great job, an awesome and understanding boss, a great boyfriend, and I am delightfully relishing every aspect of picking out the details of my new house. 

Sometimes we can't see that things will get better, but I tend to believe everything happens for a reason.  I often wish I never met my narcissist and didn't have it so hard for so many years of dealing with this person.  However, in hindsight, my life with my narcissist, has made me a better person.  It has taught me to cherish the people who are genuinely good and to run far away from those who have the personality traits of a narcissist.  It has taught me to enjoy the good fortunes I have had and to live my life to the fullest.  These lessons definitely came with a high price tag, and for that I will take care of them.  I can't say that I have any fond memories of my relationship with my narcissit, but I did learn lessons that I am quite fond of. 

The Narcissist- his worst enemy

I am getting ready to buy a house!  I love it!  I just put an offer on a house.  It's been two years in the making, but I am finally at a point where I can do this.  Over ten years, my ex and I had three homes... they were all fixer uppers and not quite what I wanted.  If I disagreed on buying a house, I was just an idiot and didn't know what I was talking about.  I liked to describe our last house as the "clown house".  We paid a lot for a house that was a hodge podge of a fixer upper.  I still remember the day we were going to close on this house.  The seller had not completed the list of repairs on the house, and I knew the house was a shamble.  I still remember to this day, riding to the title company, crying and screaming because I did not want to buy this horrible house.  My ex was so hell bent on buying this house despite the fact that we could easily back out of it for a breach of contract on the seller's part.  I don't know why I went along with it.  Perhaps it was all the threats of what he would do to me if I didn't sign.  I felt so paralyzed with fear because I knew what he was capable of to try to hurt me.  I signed and lived in this clown house for over two years. 

For two years, I watched in disgust and sometimes in amusement as he went on a home improvement rampage.  I hated coming to this clown house.  Everyday, on the final turn, I would get physically ill having to drive up this long drive way to the clown house.  Projects would be started and never finished.  The yard always looked like a construction site.  He would "improve" things just to make it worse. 

When he decided to teach me a lesson a few years ago, he decided to leave me and the kids.  In his mind, he was going to put on a grandiose show (like he always does) and make my life miserable for a few days until I relented and apologized for behavior he deemed as unfavorable to him.  Little did he know that after five years of this nonsensical behavior, I have had it.   He took off on me and I refused to answer his phone calls for five days.  That following Monday I filed for divorce for the third and final time.  I refused to listen to his nonsense anymore and I refused to apology just to make him stop his insane behavior. 

He left me while he was unemployed.  He thought he would dump the mortgage, the childcare costs, and everything else, just to teach me a lesson.  When push came to shove, I decided continuing to be employed and paying for childcare was more important than paying for the mortgage on a house I hated. 

I asked several times to help me get the house on the market, but he refused.  He then proceeded as always to play the victim.  Finally I just stopped caring and the house eventually foreclosed.  I moved shortly afterwards. 

In the midst of trying to hurt me and "teach me a lesson", he ended up hurting himself.  I can't remember the reason why, but only his name was on the promissory note.  So, when we got divorced, I made sure my lawyer put in a statement that debt incurred in our name during the marriage, was solely that person's responsibility.

He ruined his own credit trying to destroy me.  How sad that he was that short sighted, immature, and spiteful.  The narcissist is truly his worst enemy.  By trying to destroy everyone else around him, he fails to realize that he is destroying himself- his reputation, his credit, his happiness....none of that matters to him as long as he gets his way. 

So, today I am celebrating my new found freedom and relishing in the fact that I am no longer fettered by his insanity.  If you are the victim of a narcissist, remember, to step back and let them destroy their own lives.  Staying calm and not playing into the insanity is the best way to not only protect yourself, but to come out ahead.

Stay Calm- Easier said than done

My lawyer is on my speed dial.... my narcissist can't behave himself and can't play by anyone else's rules but his own.  I made the mistake of letting this person get under my skin this weekend.  Kids were supposed to fly to see me at a "mutually agreed upon airport".  He has them flying into an airport four hours away.  He emails me the itinerary late friday afternoon for me to review and then proceeds to book them the early the next day- knowing full well I have not had the chance to check my emails.  UGHHHHHHH!!!!  Not only did I email this person a week before which airport was closest to me, but this is completely against the divorce decree.  I let him under my skin and when I found out, I let it ruin a good portion of my weekend.  And to add fuel to the fire, I engaged in wasted back and forth emails with this person... after calming down, I informed him that he needs to change the itinerary or I will be filing a contempt of court motion and requesting he pay lawyer fees and additional lodging and fuel fees. 

Why do I share this story?  I share it to show that a narcissist never stops... they love drama.  They love to provoke you by making drama.  When I showed him my anger and displeasure at what he did, he thrived on it and it is like feeding a ferocious animal... The more you feed their need for drama and chaos, the harder and nastier they keep coming back.  The best solution would have been to ignore the situation and let my lawyer handle it on Monday.  By starving the narcissist by not giving him the attention he so craves from me, I would have starved his ego and weakened his sense of empowerment. 

Trying to arguing with a delusional narcissist is futile.  They lack direction and do not operate in reality... once you get them started they will start spewing out garbage that doesn't even pertain to what the original argument was.  Mine starts to throw out all sorts of false allegations... he always seems to think... "well, what I did was okay, because whatever I "think" you did is way worse; therefore, I am completely in the right".... hello Mr. Delusional and your delusional logic. 

During the moments, when I don't let my emotions get the best of me and I just completely ignore him, I get the best results... I preserve my dignity, sanity, and sense of peace.  The narcissist hates to be ignored.  He will continue to try to escalate the situation and get under your skin.  When you ignore the narcissist, you are no longer their outlet... they have to find another outlet.  If they continue to escalate the situation, others will start seeing the lunacy.  My narcissist is only so good at hiding his true colors.  If I engage him, I am alone in dealing and experiencing the insanity.  If I don't engage him, he will start ranting and raving to anyone who will listen to him... eventually they will figure out that his stories, insinuations, and allegations are all delusions created by a fantastic narcissist.