The Hypocrisy of the Narcissist

It always amazes me how narcissists have such an abundance of energy to tell you how to live your life, as if they are the godsend grand wizard of your life--- the all knowing- know it all.  My ex used to act like I gave a shit about his life after I decided to move 3000 miles to get away from him.  I found it always laughable at his insinuations that I really cared who he was with, what he was up to.  He would try to get on his all mighty high horse as he likes to always do and pontificate his religion of lunacy to me.

So here comes the hypocrisy- all while I could care less about him, he is stalking me all around the internet.  He would go on my then boyfriend's facebook page to scold me on something that he would only know if he went on his facebook page.  He would also spend countless hours reading my yelp reviews and act like he had a Aha! moment.  Sometimes I would right some witty reviews with some clever quips to throw him for a loop... all the while I was laughing to myself because I knew he was reading them.

I used to think I needed to hide my identity in writing my blogs, writing my short stories- to keep things hidden from him.  That may have been true in the initial stages after I escaped the insanity and chaos, but it's been several years since I moved.  So, I don't hide my identity anymore- and why should I... I write the truth, I write from the heart, and I above all else, have a voice- a voice that will share my experiences with this lunatic in the hopes that someone out there will learn and not repeat the same mistakes I did.

Narcissists are always hypocrites...they live by the rule of "do as I say, not as I do."  And let me expound on that notion a little further- they do not have the moral fortitude to be able to measure up to the standards they set forth for everyone else.  And all their shortcomings are some how erased with a flimsy excuse that only makes sense to the narcissists-- only to those who reside in their fantasy la-la land.  For those of us with our feet firmly on planet earth, their reasoning is quite flawed and quite distant from reality.

Childish Games

My narcissist and I have children together and we had a decade long relationship. You would think that two professionals in such a situation would have no time for childish games. Why do narcissists insist on engaging in childish games?

My ex would play head games with me for weeks and then when I finally had it and told him I wanted to leave him the games would get worse. It always started with him suddenly in dire need of attention. For example he would miraculously pass out from the stress, he would get results from the doctor that indicated he 'might' have cancer or he would all of a sudden become suicidal because he couldn't live without me. For the first few years I would fall for it because I had empathy. But after about five years I got sick of his sudden drama and hypochondriac loathsome self. So I would then just resort to mocking him or calling him on his bluff. This only angered him and his twisted brain would concoct some other ludicrous way to get my attention. This was all it was....a way to get my attention. Because whether it was good or bad attention the narcissist got what he craved...my attention.

I was reminded that this is what all narcissists crave this week. A lady found my Facebook page and I was happy to see that sharing my experiences had helped her. Unfortunately for her, her ex found her posts and started to put his own posts on my page. How pathetic that he could not allow her to have anything of hers unblemished with his ugly presence. This brought back a wave of terrible memories of childish games my ex played on me. So here are a few:
1. He used my email address of ten years to sign me of fir every kind of junk email. So I would get emails that started out with "dear james". It was his way of letting me know he existed.
2. He put a key logger on my personal laptop to spy on me.
3. He put a password on my personal laptop then made me pay him $200 to take it off.
4. He would turn off my cellphone service if I didn't comply with his demands. Five years and five different numbers. I have had the same number for the last three years since leaving him!

There are so many more that I could share...the point is that these narcissists have no boundaries in their quest to get the attention of their victims.

I learned the hard way to keep my life hidden as much as possible from this crazy person. I try to never divulge more than I have to. He still tries his hardest to find out what I am up to via Facebook, Internet searches of me and my friends, etc. My boyfriend is a very open person and kept his Facebook open so everyone could see his wall. For months my ex would comment on every little post or picture he could find. I finally had to ask my boyfriend to hide his posts. It is unfortunate but those close to us also need to take precautions to not get entangled and ensnared in the crazy world of the narcissist.

I take precautions daily to keep the craziness our of my life. For instance I tell the kids I am going on vacation but never the location or exact dates. Or I just plain fib about what I am up to. I hate doing it but it is how I keep myself safe.

The boundless energy of the narcissist...I wish I could just wish it away. *sigh*

*roll of the eyes*

I am spending the summer with my kids.  It's hard not to see them all the time.  It was the price I had to pay to get away from crazy guy, but I knew in my heart that this too would only be temporary.  Even they would eventually see the lunacy of his behavior. 

As I was unpacking my oldest daughter's bag, I asked her why this time there were no vitamins packed... vitamins- one of the last resorts of the control freak.  The last few times he would send a pack of vitamins on send illicit details on how to give it to the kids- which I complied without saying a word- just merely a roll of the eyes because I knew it was to get a rise out of me.  Since he got none, I guess he just moved on to other ways of trying to keep control over me.  Her answer to me was that dad did not pack the vitamins because I would just "throw them away".  I asked her quite plainly- "have you ever seen me throw away your vitamins?"  In which she replied, no.  As I turned and rolled my eyes again. 

What the narcissist doesn't realize in his delusional world that in trying to be the favored parent by making up insinuations and lies, he is trying just over time slowly revealing his true nature.  Because even for his children, he cannot but show his true nature.  He just simply cannot help himself.  Even they will be able to see through the lies as they get older. 

I've learned to just not play into his sophomoric chicanery.  I just "roll my eyes".  By being above his tactics of deception and lies, over time it becomes evident who the true victim and who the true liar is.  I just laugh at his idiotic lame attempts at trying to make me into something I am not.  Because in reality- he is scared.  Scared that the kids will have a fantastic time with me and that when they are old enough they will be able to tell the judge that they prefer to live with mom.  It's his fear that turns him into this ugly, pathetic person.  He doesn't know how to behave through the fear in rational terms- so he resorts to deception, lies, and manipulation. 

This resonates throughout every aspect of his life... scared that he will become insignificant at work- therefore he bolsters himself with fantastic accomplishments.  Scared of getting old, therefore he becomes a shallow, vain shell of a being.  Scared the others would learn the truth about them, therefore, therefore they aim to surround themselves with people they are secretly jealous of and want to be. 

What a sad way to live a life.  How tiring it must be to be so consummed with appearances or scared of their own shadows.  Well to that, I roll my eyes, I stay quiet and live the best life, and I say "boo"- scared of me yet?  because you should be.  I am not one of those people you will manipulate any longer.  You know that I know the truth about you.  You also know that I see right through you for the hollow person you really are.  But best of all, you know you won't get away with the lies and deception with me anymore.

In This Case- Throw out all reasoning and start from there

Anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist will know that trying to reason and compromise with a narcissist is a futile exercise leading only to mental torment.  For years and years I tried desperately to try to reason with this person- to try to get them to see how insane his behavior was.  This only exasperated the situation and gave fuel and energy for him to keep going.  If I tried to reason with him, he would excalate it to the next level to try to "teach me a lesson" for my insolence. 

After the first few years of trying to reason with him, I then resorted to completely shutting down.  This too was a losing strategy on my part.  When I would not give him the satisfaction of reacting to his temptuous  behavior, he would again escalate it to the next level.  I want to share one episode of dealing with my narcissist:

I told my ex that I did not want two large dogs in the house when my twins were born for sanitary reasons.  I asked him to make the dogs outside dogs.  Now mind you- one dog was an 80 lb boxer and the other dog was a 150 lb mutt of some sort.... these were not frail little dogs.  These dogs shed a lot and it was hard to maintain a clean home.  Well, that just opened up a can of worms... his response "I would rather have you leave then my two dogs that I have had before I even met you".  I didn't want to argue with him anymore, so I decided to move into the guest room to avoid any conflict given that I was pregnant.  During the week, to try to extract a response out of me, he threw all my clothes into the guest room and as if that wasn't enough, he went outside, got dirt and threw it all over my clothes.  When that didn't work, he had my oldest daughter come into the room while I was lying down and had her call me a "piggy".  Now mind you I was several months pregnant- so I was not slim at the moment.  When these tactics did not work, he resorted to putting dirty dishes in the room I was staying in, throwing away awards and memorablia from my college years, following me around with a video camera.... During the week, going to work was my only sanctuary.  I talked to my boss about possibly transferring after my twins were born.  He said he would make it happen when I was ready. 
One morning, I had finally had it with him messing with my stuff.  I got so angry, I started throwing his clothes in the garage.  He calmly said, "we need to stop this..." WE.... all week it had been just him, egging me on and when I finally got angry... it was "we".  I just looked at him and told him that I already to talked to my boss and when the kids are born, I plan to leave him.  He had a look about him that I can't describe, but his response was that he had no one and that if I left him that he would probably kill himself... such an odd response from someone who just kept escalating the situation day after day.  I was so angry at this point, that I just told him to go ahead and that it would make us all alot happier... I regret saying this out of anger, but after a week of torment, being pregnant, I just have had it with his behavior.
He calmly watched me get my daughter ready for school, put her in the car, and drive away.  When I got to my daughter's school, I realized I had forgotten my badge for work.  I went back home to get it and would you believe, in less than fifteen minutes, the sherriff's department was at my house.  I went in to discover that he had hit himself in the face- yes he had hit himself... and then told the cops that I had done it... mind you that I am five months pregnant with twins- a high risk pregnancy to begin with.  My reaction was that I starting yelling at him... while surprisingly he remained quite calm...
When the deputies finally calmed me down, I told them my story... I also showed them all the awards that he had thrown away in the garbage.  When they saw that I had things in there from over ten years ago, they began to question his story.  Also seeing how I was pregnant, they starting to question what really happened.   When they told him that they did not believe his story, he INSISTED on writing a VICTIM's statement, so they could forward it to the state attorney's office... nothing became of his "victim's" statement... I should have left him then, but I thought over time he would realize that what he did was wrong and never do anything like this again... I wish I could say that I was right, but this was really just the beginning of more of this behavior. 

There are a few things I want to point out about this whole situation- first of all, most normal people would not remain calm if their spouse had really hit them.  But this is the way of the narcissist.  They keep probing and egging you on, until they break your line of sanity.  And when you do, they miraculously all of a sudden become the victim, they become the one who has to deal with your "crazy" behavior.  Do your remember the incident where Mel Gibson's ex taped a conversation with him in which he was yelling, almost in tears, and just "losing" it... what struck me as odd about the whole situation was how "calm" the women was.  No one knows for sure what transpired between the two of them, but it did always make me wonder how one party could remain so calm while the other person is obviously distraught. 

The narcissist has no limits.  They justify their behavior in their mind... in this case, I never got a full apology from my ex.  He would always say, "you made me act that way".  Hindsight is always 20/20... I just laugh now whenever he says such stuff... I wish my response back then was, "Really?  I really have that much power over you... geez, I wish I knew that back then". 

Finally, I just want to say that there was no reasoning with my ex.  Unless, I did exactly what he deemed as appropriate behavior, he was going to continue to "teach me a lesson".  I love how narcissists are the great all knowing "teachers" and that they should be both judge and jury.  It's almost like a God-complex.  How dare I question the "Great Narcissist".  In his own little fantasy, he was all knowing, all perfect, therefore, I should comply with all his demands.  If I should ever object, in his infinite wisdom, he must exact a punishment only he can deem fitting.  Okay- crazy guy, have fun.  I won't be a part of it anymore and I will take away all means of you ever hurting me again. 

My lift is my life.  I made a promise to myself that I will never again take this kind of abuse and that if I see any signs of someone being a Narcissist, I will not walk, I will run and stay clear of this person's path.  

P!nk - So What

This song always picks me up... when my ex starts to get under my skin, I listen to this song and say to myself--- so what!

Learning to Vent--- the right way!

My ex would often lash out at me by making false allegations and by saying nasty, horrible lies to everyone we knew.  It was often very embarrassing.  When I used to live in a small town where you could not go out to eat, get groceries or go to the movies without running into someone you knew, I would often get nasty looks from his co-workers or friends.  My integrity and reputation were important to me and I would often dread going out in town.  Early on, I used to also think it was important to let everyone hear my side of the story... because I wanted to set the record straight... It took me a long time to realize that these people had already formulated their misguided opinions and that venting just gave them more ill-conversation to share with my ex.  The narcissist is a fantastic, professional liar.  He never had any remorse for the lies he spread--- he always felts he was justified that in this person's crazy reality- even though none of what he spewed out was true, it might as well be because the stories he spread "could" be true in crazy guy's world. 

When people would often ask me why I made the choices I did to get away from this person, I would share my story in great detail... Those who never experienced the narcissist to the extent that I did, never could quite grasp what I went through.  Some of the things I had experienced, were like a Lifetime Movie storyline.  It was rather just hard to fathom for the person fortunate enough to have never experienced the Narcissist.

I have three wonderful people in my life whom I can vent without judgment because they fully understand what I am going through.  It took me years to figure out that these are the only people I can truly share the horrors I have been through.  These women have all lived through similar situations... they understand that when my ex acts up that I start having panic attacks for fear of what he might do next.  They guide me through situations based on their experiences and help me to deal with this person.  Furthermore, they always reiterate to me without hesitation... "when he acts up again, call me".  How comforting to know that I have people in my life who want me to call them when he strikes again.  In an odd way, I am also comforted that these people understand that he will harass me again and that they are there for me to vent my frustrations, pains, and anger.

 Aside from finding these wonderful people, I learned the hard way that the best revenge with a narcissist, is no revenge.  This was such a hard lesson for me and I still struggle with it today.  I learned that fighting a narcissist is a never ending battle because they have an endless amount of energy and will go to lengths that you never dreamed of to hurt you.  I tried for years to keep pace with this crazy guy and would fail so miserably each time... The reason being- I had a conscious and I had limits. 

When I just ignored this person- magically, he did not have me as his personal punching bag anymore... I took that power away from him.  How empowering and liberating that was!  And would you believe, his craziness manifested in other ways... it came out in his work and personal relationships... Years later, some of the same people who once judged me, experienced the same lunatic behavior from him... they later told me they didn't understand why I moved thousands of miles years ago, but having dealt with him, they are starting to understand.  Some of his old friends from twenty years ago... are now just friends with me.  By staying calm, quiet and letting the situation play out... I am regaining my life, my sanity, and peace of mind. 

The narcissist needs an outlet... my advice... don't let the outlet be YOU.  Don't empower this crazy person and don't engage in wasted conversation about your situation with people just don't understand.  You will find the person in your life who understands and who wants to help you because they have been there.  And finally, let this person fall on his own sword... don't make it your mission to set things right.  You will lose so much of yourself in going down this path.  Life is too short... it really is... enjoy YOUR life and not the life the narcissist thinks you deserve.  Once you get your freedom from this person, don't let them weasel their way back. 

Why am I doing this????

I graduated from one of the most prestigious schools, got my bachelors and masters in engineering, had a promising career, and had wonderful, beautiful children.  By all accounts and appearances, it would have appeared for a long time that I had a great, picturesque life, but underneath it all, I was married to someone who was diagnosed as being narcissistic. 

My nightmare started almost immediately after I married this person who was Jekyl and Hyde.  I want to share my experiences and to let you know what I had to sacrifice and do to get away from this person.  My journey still continues as I am still working to fully recover from experiencing this person in my life.  I don't think anyone ever really recovers from dealing with such a monster. 

There will be many people who will not understand what I have experienced and the choices I have made because they have never experienced the true Narcissist.  For those people, I say be grateful that you have never encountered such an experience.  For those of us who have experienced living with a narcissist, I want to tell you that I understand completely what you are or have gone through.  You are not alone and it is not YOU.  In this case, it really is this unrelentless, vile person who will torment you without boundaries.  There is no reasoning with someone who is narcissistic.  They have a view of life that is so far from reality that you end up shaking your head in disbelief and questioning if what you had experienced really did happen the way you remember it. 

My goal is to write about my experiences, share what I have learned, and hopefully help someone deal with and free themselves from their narcissist.  My secondary goal, is to let all so much I have held in for years and quietly suffered.  I do this as a means to continue to heal.