The Pathetic Coward

Now that I see the narcissist for what he really is... I often find myself saying things like, "what an idiot", "whatever", "dork", "get a life"... it's amazing all the stupidity I was blind to when I was with this man. I see now that I have moved on and in a wonderful relationship, just how petty and jealous this man is. What has been the most inspirational these last few years, is that I have debunked all the nasty insults he used to throw at me. His favorite was to tell me that 'no man will touch you with a ten foot pole'. I am happy to report that I am in a loving relationship with a man who completely adores me. For the first time in my life, I feel completely loved and cherished- the way love is supposed to feel and be. This irks the narcissist more than anything- to see me in a successful relationship. Why? Because he just cannot stand to see me happy. Everything to him is kept on a scorecard that only resides in his own mind and only makes sense to the narcissist. The happier I am, the more he ups his game to harass and irritate me. Because misery loves company and he wants me to join in his misery. I have the kids during the summer and I blessed to be surrounded by loving friends and families. We have a plethora of events and fun activities for them. Even his own kids' happiness makes him miserable. He takes little jabs at me and my friends to try to be a nuisance all summer. It amazes me the number of emails he writes while they are with me. When they are with me, 3000 miles away, he loses what he prizes most of all- CONTROL. So, for him, his harassing emails and phone calls are just a means to try to get back this control. But I refuse- I refuse to give this buffoon anymore control. He will not have control over my happiness and he will not have control of our summers together. The kids thrive and so many adventures with their friends and family. Unfortunately, this makes the miserable narcissist turn into the deviant, coward. He turns to his old ways of trying to bait me into fights and to try to weasel himself into every situation. When I stand back and look at this, I just see a pathetic coward- instead of enjoying his summer with his new bride, he wallows in his misery, scheming to create drama and chaos in our lives. I have taken away just about every means that he has of ever controlling or hurting me... the only thing left are the kids and even they are not immune to his erratic, nonsense behavior. Cowards are the ones who can never be happy for someone else's happiness or just to let it go. My ex still stalks me on the internet- he sits at his computer for hours trying to gathered information on my in-laws, my friends, my work, anything he can get his hands on. How sad to be consumed with someone else's life. What a waste of life. For me, I channel his negativity into writing these blogs to share with others. I use these lessons learned to try to help others understand.

New Beginnings

I just got back from a wonderful vacation in my hometown- Los Angeles.  The city of Angeles.  I love going back to familiar territory.  The familiar sounds, the sights, the smells.  I especially enjoyed this last trip because I went with my husband.  My husband is wonderful- always encouraging me to go out, have fun, meet friends... all things I cherish.  If you have never been in a relationship with a narcissist you take these things for granted.

When I was with my narcissist, he first started making superficial, vain excuses to not meet with my friends.  At first glance you don't think much of it and rather liken it to an off day that your partner is having.  As the years pass, you realize they aren't excuses.  They are means of keeping you from your past life.

The entire time I was married to this miserable person, I only had one thanksgiving with one of my close friends.  All other holidays, vacations were not shared with any of my friends.  And there in lies, the start of distancing you from your friends, your past- losing more ties to people who can help you when they unleash their destruction on your life.

What I deemed as an innocence from the beginning, could not be further from the truth.  No excuse had any validity as to why I could not see my friends.  When I made new friends, he would find ways to keep me from them.  If I wanted to go out for coffee with a girlfriend, I was being selfish not spending time with my family.  My narcissist would equate me having friends as me being selfish and only caring for myself.  After a few years, the arguments, the attempts as reasoning with insanity, was too much.  I lacked the energy to argue my case.

And then without fail, the narcissist would tell me how much of a loser I am for not having any friends. I could never win with this person.

When I left my narcissist, and moved 3000 miles to get away from him, I reconnected with some dear friends.  True friends are always there for you no matter how far you stray from them!  While on vacation, I visited my childhood friend of 26 years!  Saying that out loud makes me feel my age!

The most wonderful part of this entire trip was sharing my past with my husband... the non-narcissist.  My narcissist used to tell me that LA was a hell hole and that he would never want to visit there... well geesh, asshole never appreciated anything about me to include where I grew up.  And if you don't visit LA with a native, you haven't truly visited LA.  His loss, because on this trip, I realized how much fun it was to live in such a great city.  We visited Universal Studios, LACMA, the La Brea Tarpits, California Science Museum, Santa Barbara, and sooooooo much more.  We also tasted so many wonderful foods that we don't have locally back home.

Narcissists always try to make you feel bad- bad about yourself, your friends, your past- basically every aspect of your life.  They break you down at every opportunity.  I find it quite ludicrous when I look back that my narcissist who grew up in the back woods of Louisiana, would call LA a hell hole.  My narcissist would also criticize something he has never truly tried or truly visited.  Visiting a city and sitting in a hotel is not the same.  You see my narcissist would visit wonderful cities and then lock himself up in his hotel room.  He travelled for work and thought it a bother to venture out.

When you are in a relationship with a narcissist your self esteem is broken by this person's criticisms.  In hindsight, you begin to realize just how much of an ignoramus this person is.  A narcissist is quite gifted at criticizing something he is quite ignorant of.  I think they do this out of fear that people would look down on them for not knowing.  Or perhaps they do it to sound like a know-it-all.

So, I titled this blog post as "new beginnings".  When you finally leave your narcissist and finally are in a normal relationship, you truly have a New Beginning.  With that being said, you take the wisdom from all the hurt, all the destruction, all the chaos and you learn to cherish all the wonderful things a normal relationship brings- and you don't take those things for granted.  

Spending time with my childhood friend was wonderful and I couldn't help but to think that if I was still with my ex, I would never have had the opportunity to visit with her.  Knowing this, I treasured this latest visit even more.

Narcissist #2

I haven't written on my blog for quite some time.  After a short summer with the kids, life is just moving along.  I am happy to report that I am remarried and the difference between a relationship with a narcissist and a non-narcissist is heavenly bliss.  No longer do I find myself second guess myself- which from the outside must sound a bit strange.  But for those of us who have had the misfortune of the narcissist, we know that thinking less of yourself when you are with that someone is just part of the norm. 

Amazingly a blast from my past came rushing in a few weeks ago.  My ex-husband was not the only relationship I have had to contend with.  I have experienced three horrific, happiness draining relationship with 3 of these monsters.  Finally, after the last one, I had to admit that it was something about my personality that just kept ending up in the same place--- I will write the revelations I have had in regards to this subject in a future blog.

So, narcissist number two- I don't know why, but recently as I was reflecting on some of my past relationships, I was thinking about this particular evil-doer.  Curiosity led to finding him on facebook and seeing that he was remarried.  I guess I couldn't stop there, because this person was just incapable of having a good relationship.  So, as my curiosity grew, I felt that somehow maybe I was wrong and maybe it was really just me... that little voice in my head- the one that is always blaming myself, came rearing its ugly head the other day.  So, I look further into the situation to find out that he had cheated on his wife and that they are going through a divorce.  Wow- some people never change.  In the midst of all this, my heart just pours out to this woman because I could just imagine what she must be going through.  So, I contact her... I was fearful of how this woman would react because I am sure that my ex- only had nasty things to spew out about me.  But then a miracle- she is happy to hear from me and we exchange stories and I am quite dumbfounded by what happens next.

She tells me that he has been telling her that he was in the Army... WHAT!!!  This person was never in the Army because he had epilepsy.  I was the one in the Army, but it gets even better.  To continue on with this charade, he makes up wild stories and even gets a tattoo indicating that he was in the Army.  He took tidbits of people in my unit, took their names and incorporated them into his lies, his facade, his grand DELUSION!  He goes around telling people that the scars on his back are from shrapnel.  Having lost a few friends to the recent wars, I am literally disgusted, but not too surprised.  I am a little taken aback to the extent his lies have grown.  To top it all off, he took my uniforms, and acted like they were his from his "time" in the Army. 

Absolutely no boundaries, and no regard for the men and women who have sacrificed to rightfully wear their uniforms.  To top it all off, he tells a judge that he was in the Army- perjuring himself.  Absolutely no boundaries, no respect for the law, no respect for anyone- like all true narcissists, it is about me, myself and I.

I am glad I reached out to this woman.  She is a brilliant woman with a Ph'd and has been an educator for over 20 years.  I am willing to help her... he tried to bankrupt me, ruin my career, tried to disgrace me - and to hear he is still doing the same things to his victims- just makes me sick to my stomach.  She too has had to face financial, professional and personal difficulties because of the narcissist.  Unfortunately there is a child involved and as if the child is a status symbol, the child is placed smack dab in the middle of the lies, the insanity. 

How far will the narcissist go to continue their facade?  What will happen when this narcissist's lies and pretenses come to light.  How far will he go to keep his secrets?  The outcome, the answer, scares me to think about it. 

I checked an email from crazy guy today and true to his label, he made another crazy insinuation.  So apparently him not being able to buy his house was somehow my fault... hahaha... I have to laugh because I moved three thousand miles to get away from nut case and he still seems to find the energy to blame me... so apparently moving will cause a disruption in where the kids will attend school and he is afraid that I will some how "litigate" him for moving the kids to a different a school... EXCEPT.... wait a minute crazy guy logic- you forgot that we moved when we were married and our daughter got to stay in the same school because she has special needs...

Why do I share this story.... only because it just goes to show you how logic fails the narcissist... perhaps you crazy nut case you can't buy your house because you insisted on foreclosing our house to "teach me a lesson".... except it was karma... the mortgage was solely in your name... so you shot yourself in the foot... all I have to say... what a DUMBASS!  What goes around comes around.

I love how these narcissists think that they can just keep spewing their vile, irrational BS and that they think somehow they will remain immune to it forever. 

Why did my crazy ex try to point the finger at me for his latest misgivings???  I think it is because he would rather lie, rant, and blame others then to face the truth of the whole matter... I want to say to him "you screwed up by trying to hurt me... in the end you only hurt yourself.  I hope you learned your lesson, but I know better.  You will never learn from your mistakes because somehow in your irraitonal mind you found yet another way to blame me for all your misery and your horrible life.  So now you are embarrassed and you feel that you must blame me yet again... except I am no longer your punching bag.  I got away from you for a reason- think about that while."

I started writing an email in which I pointed out the fact that not being able to buy his house was due to his poor choices and a few other lines where I wanted to rub it in his face... in the end, I erased all those lines and wrote an emotionless response to his email- which I am sure he will find a way to try to pick a fight with me- I refuse to give him that satisfaction ever again. 

The narcissist must always find someone else to blame for his woes.  In his mind he is always perfect; therefore it must be someone else's fault- oh heaven forbid if they should ever face reality.  That would require a level of maturity that the narcissist is never able to achieve.  If you really think about it, it really is sad that the narcissist lives in a world far from reality and can never grow and learn from his own mistakes.  Just further evidence that thte narcissist is his worst enermy.

Silence is SO GOLDEN!

I haven't written on my blog in a long time.  I have been busy with work and building my new house.  I've learned to not tell my ex about anything that I do or to give him any hints of what is going on in my life.  This drives the narcissist insane.  They can't stand it when you refuse to engage. 

So, as it turns out, I kept my mouth shut about my new house and only shared it with the kids.  He apparently managed to somehow buy a house... oh the email that I got from him bragging about his house that he put a bid in for and it was accepted made me want to gag.  He boasted about how large and beautiful and awesome it was... oh that it was soooo huge and he put in intricate details about size, number of rooms, blah blah blah... The house is the same size as mine and for most of the year it will only be inhabited by me and my boyfriend... whereas he will be in a same size house with SEVEN people.  I had to laugh.  The ludicrous insinuation that this idiot was making that his house was going to be better than mine... who the f&*( cares. 

My narcissist doesn't seem to get it... I really do not care.  I could give a rat's ass - as the saying goes, but he on the other hand has to make it a point to fill me in on the details of his supposed awesome life with his girlfriend... who is still married to husband number three... "for reals???" 

I just keep my mouth shut and laugh in side as he goes on and on about how wonderful he is.  And I say to myself... "what a dumbass".  Not saying anything and not engaging with him on small talk is the best thing to do.  Sometimes it is really hard... like this time, I really wanted to make fun of how he thought his house was so large.  I bit my tongue- boy am I full of cliches today...

So, I guess I am going to take a few minutes to brag about my new house here on my blog- customized house, 2400 square feet, 4 bedrooms, with master bedroom suite.  Awesome kitchen with quartz countertops and a bonus room to hang out in :)  .  So maybe I didn't get to rub it in his face, but I at least got to write about.  I love watching our house being built.  I love the fact that I am picking things out that are the way I want it and not having to settle for what crazy guy deemed as awesome... because we never had the same taste in anything, but there was no compromising- there was only the "you have no sense in style and what you like looks really bad".  When we worked with the designer to tell her what we wanted, colors, etc, she absolutely loved what we were doing.  Everything is contemporary and modern.  The way I want it... clean lines.. none of this frilly, traditional style for this girl.

I can't wait to see it when our house is done.  Maybe I will be brave and even post a few pictures.  Enjoying this time and not sharing in the least with my ex-crazy guy has been wonderful.  Who cares what he thinks and besides it really is none of his business how I decide to live my life.

My little update- turns out he didn't get the house after all and for some reason he told my daughter they weren't moving until the fall.  He went all out bragging about stuff and nothing came to fruition... a lot of times with the narcissist you will find that they are just full of hot air. 

Some Guys Will Always be Bad Guys

I sat here tonight reflecting on not just my narcissist, but the other bad relationships I have been in.  Why did I have to go through so many horrible relationships to finally wake up and say I just don't deserve this.  When I was 22, I was engaged to a brilliant computer software engineer.  Charming and gave me so much attention when we first started dating.  I resisted falling for him at first, but when I finally did fall for him, all my troubles began.  We got engaged after just a few short months of dating.  This person lied, and they were so good at it.  When he was caught lying about the other two women he was dating, he told more fantastic lies.  My self esteem was crushed.  This led to a string of bad relationships in which I just told myself I didn't deserve any better. 

I recently got back in touch with this person and at first as usual he was quite charming.  He apologized for his behavior and I believed it.  I really wanted to believe that even the worst of the male species could be reformed.  I was wrong.  He again told more and more fantastic lies that didn't add up. 

A Narcissist never changes.  They cannot help themselves and yes I truly believe they are wired different from other people.  The biggest difference, is their lack of empathy.  Everything is about them and they say and do things that bolsters the only person that matters- themselves! 

I wonder how they keep their stories straight.  My last narcissist couldn't keep his story straight, but I think my first narcissist was a master at it because he literally is a genius.  Such a sad truth, but in dealing with my narcissist, I must always remember that they lack the ability to change, grow, and mature. 

Wanted Smart Successful Women for Extreme Abuse

I recently saw a You Tube video about a woman who rode on the hood of a mini van for a whopping 35 MILES!  The report was that she got into an altercation with her husband and she tried to stop him from driving off by getting on the hood of their mini van.  Well, he took her for the ride of her life and nearly killed her.  The police estimated that the wind chill was probably well below freezing and that at times he was going as fast as 100 mph.  They also noted that she was a smart, articulate women who was a paralegal.  They commented on how intelligent this woman was.  He on the other hand had past run-ins with the law for drug related incidences.

Why is it that these narcissistic men target smart, successful wome???  Time and time again I run across women who share similar stories as mine and we all have one thing in common- we are smart, successful, attractive women.  I began to wonder about this and the only conclusion that I can come to, is that they see as a challenge.  Because like all other aspects of life, they see their mate not as a partner, but as a reflection of who they want to be and who they want to be associated with.  I also think that these type of men are attracted by things that are hard to get or better yet, hard to find.  So, to them getting this type of person as a mate, says to the world that they are great... they see us as a trophy to be had.

Once they have us, they become jealous of us for the very reasons that they fall for us.  My ex was always so jealous of my successes at work.  He resorted to sabotaging my work.  There was one incidence when I had to go to Hawaii for several weeks for my work.  He got extremely jealous and even convinced himself that I was having an affair.  The week prior to my departure was pure hell.  He made all sorts of threats and even put a password on my computer so I could not retrieve a presentation that I had been working on for weeks.  He made me pay him $200 to take the password off.  I remember being so anxious to get on that plane to get away from him.  Once I got to Hawaii, he called me over 50 times a day for several days.  I refused to answer any of my calls.  After a few days I relented and took his calls.  He was convinced that I was having an affair... this coming from the person who used to always tell me that I am lucky to have him because no man would want to be with someone like me.

Why is it that when it comes to our professional lives, we make wise, intelligent choices?  But when it comes to love, we make the decision that makes the least sense? 

The other thing to note about these women that I have met, is that they have the most wonderful, out going personalities.  All of these women are kind, caring, and mature and yet for all of our intelligence, we end up with our worst nightmares. 

My girlfriend sat me down in her office one day and looked at me with a stern look.  She said in a frank manner, "it is time for a paradigm shift".  One of the best advice I have ever gotten and really taken to heart.  My current boyfriend, is just awesome and not because he is flashy, or tries to impress people, but because he is just the opposite.  He doesn't seek attention, always tells the truth no matter the consequences, and just genuinely wants the best for not only me, but also for us.  I had to rethink my entire thought pattern and to really think about what it was that I found to be important.  I dated a lot of different people for a while just to figure that out.  So many times I met people who presented well, but when more and more layers became revealed, their stories just didn't match up.  I did a 180 and walked away from those people.  Never again, will I try to make sense of things that just don't make sense.  If their story doesn't add up and my intuition says there is something wrong, I listen to my gut instinct. 

When I started dating my boyfriend, I think I was trying to find holes in his story... sometimes maybe a little too hard, just to be proven that I was overreacting time and time again.  Although my relationship is not far from perfect, the fact that I have always felt safe from harm has had a huge impact. 

In This Case- Throw out all reasoning and start from there

Anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist will know that trying to reason and compromise with a narcissist is a futile exercise leading only to mental torment.  For years and years I tried desperately to try to reason with this person- to try to get them to see how insane his behavior was.  This only exasperated the situation and gave fuel and energy for him to keep going.  If I tried to reason with him, he would excalate it to the next level to try to "teach me a lesson" for my insolence. 

After the first few years of trying to reason with him, I then resorted to completely shutting down.  This too was a losing strategy on my part.  When I would not give him the satisfaction of reacting to his temptuous  behavior, he would again escalate it to the next level.  I want to share one episode of dealing with my narcissist:

I told my ex that I did not want two large dogs in the house when my twins were born for sanitary reasons.  I asked him to make the dogs outside dogs.  Now mind you- one dog was an 80 lb boxer and the other dog was a 150 lb mutt of some sort.... these were not frail little dogs.  These dogs shed a lot and it was hard to maintain a clean home.  Well, that just opened up a can of worms... his response "I would rather have you leave then my two dogs that I have had before I even met you".  I didn't want to argue with him anymore, so I decided to move into the guest room to avoid any conflict given that I was pregnant.  During the week, to try to extract a response out of me, he threw all my clothes into the guest room and as if that wasn't enough, he went outside, got dirt and threw it all over my clothes.  When that didn't work, he had my oldest daughter come into the room while I was lying down and had her call me a "piggy".  Now mind you I was several months pregnant- so I was not slim at the moment.  When these tactics did not work, he resorted to putting dirty dishes in the room I was staying in, throwing away awards and memorablia from my college years, following me around with a video camera.... During the week, going to work was my only sanctuary.  I talked to my boss about possibly transferring after my twins were born.  He said he would make it happen when I was ready. 
One morning, I had finally had it with him messing with my stuff.  I got so angry, I started throwing his clothes in the garage.  He calmly said, "we need to stop this..." WE.... all week it had been just him, egging me on and when I finally got angry... it was "we".  I just looked at him and told him that I already to talked to my boss and when the kids are born, I plan to leave him.  He had a look about him that I can't describe, but his response was that he had no one and that if I left him that he would probably kill himself... such an odd response from someone who just kept escalating the situation day after day.  I was so angry at this point, that I just told him to go ahead and that it would make us all alot happier... I regret saying this out of anger, but after a week of torment, being pregnant, I just have had it with his behavior.
He calmly watched me get my daughter ready for school, put her in the car, and drive away.  When I got to my daughter's school, I realized I had forgotten my badge for work.  I went back home to get it and would you believe, in less than fifteen minutes, the sherriff's department was at my house.  I went in to discover that he had hit himself in the face- yes he had hit himself... and then told the cops that I had done it... mind you that I am five months pregnant with twins- a high risk pregnancy to begin with.  My reaction was that I starting yelling at him... while surprisingly he remained quite calm...
When the deputies finally calmed me down, I told them my story... I also showed them all the awards that he had thrown away in the garbage.  When they saw that I had things in there from over ten years ago, they began to question his story.  Also seeing how I was pregnant, they starting to question what really happened.   When they told him that they did not believe his story, he INSISTED on writing a VICTIM's statement, so they could forward it to the state attorney's office... nothing became of his "victim's" statement... I should have left him then, but I thought over time he would realize that what he did was wrong and never do anything like this again... I wish I could say that I was right, but this was really just the beginning of more of this behavior. 

There are a few things I want to point out about this whole situation- first of all, most normal people would not remain calm if their spouse had really hit them.  But this is the way of the narcissist.  They keep probing and egging you on, until they break your line of sanity.  And when you do, they miraculously all of a sudden become the victim, they become the one who has to deal with your "crazy" behavior.  Do your remember the incident where Mel Gibson's ex taped a conversation with him in which he was yelling, almost in tears, and just "losing" it... what struck me as odd about the whole situation was how "calm" the women was.  No one knows for sure what transpired between the two of them, but it did always make me wonder how one party could remain so calm while the other person is obviously distraught. 

The narcissist has no limits.  They justify their behavior in their mind... in this case, I never got a full apology from my ex.  He would always say, "you made me act that way".  Hindsight is always 20/20... I just laugh now whenever he says such stuff... I wish my response back then was, "Really?  I really have that much power over you... geez, I wish I knew that back then". 

Finally, I just want to say that there was no reasoning with my ex.  Unless, I did exactly what he deemed as appropriate behavior, he was going to continue to "teach me a lesson".  I love how narcissists are the great all knowing "teachers" and that they should be both judge and jury.  It's almost like a God-complex.  How dare I question the "Great Narcissist".  In his own little fantasy, he was all knowing, all perfect, therefore, I should comply with all his demands.  If I should ever object, in his infinite wisdom, he must exact a punishment only he can deem fitting.  Okay- crazy guy, have fun.  I won't be a part of it anymore and I will take away all means of you ever hurting me again. 

My lift is my life.  I made a promise to myself that I will never again take this kind of abuse and that if I see any signs of someone being a Narcissist, I will not walk, I will run and stay clear of this person's path.  

Get Out of My Head

After having been with my narcissist for nearly a decade, it is difficult to not hear the insults and be in the world of the real.  So many times when I want to try something new, I often find myself coming to the conclusion that I just am not good enough.

The sad part of this whole routine and dance of low self esteem I do in my head, is that prior to my narcissist,  I used to have a sense of adventure.  The possibility of failing miserably did not deter me from daring to try something new and unique.

Sadly, after having been with my narcissist for so long, I struggle to find that person I used to once be.   I am slowly finding this person again.  My friends who have stuck by me for years remind me that I look like I have taken ten years off of my face and that I am so much more fun to be around again.  No matter how many compliments I get, I still struggle to accept these compliments... since when did I become not good enough to receive these compliments???

Learning to receive compliments and to regain my self esteem is a constant struggle as I recover from my narcissist... One of the things that helps is to slow down, step away from the madness, and really think about what is happening in the moment and not what I think my narcissist would be saying to me as I try new things.  Yes, I fail sometimes, but the big difference is that I am surrounded by people who love me for who I am no matter what.  And yes, I have way more fun trying new things these days.  Even failing has become much more of a joy then when I was in the abusive relationship with a narcissist. 

One of these days I will be enjoying life without giving my narcissist a second thought.  Right now I struggle, but day after day it seems to be getting easier... the more distance and time I put between myself and my narcissist, the easier it gets.

P!nk - So What

This song always picks me up... when my ex starts to get under my skin, I listen to this song and say to myself--- so what!

Protecting Your Sanity from a Narcissist

One of the best advice I ever got from my therapist was to have someone else check my emails from me.  Choosing the right person to do this took some careful thought.  I wanted to make sure that this person was not a gossip and would spill the beans.  I found a wonderful friend to do this for me.  She only checked the email once or twice a week and she would strip out all the nasty things he would insert.  She only reported on the important stuff I needed to know and answer.  I would in turn tell her what I wanted in response and she would write back a response void of all emotions.  She treated the emails like she would a business email.

My narcissist would respond back with vile comments still thinking he was writing to me and despite the emotionless response he got from me, he still acted in the same despicable manner.  My friend later revealed to me that she would even get frustrated in dealing with him, even though she had never met or interacted with him.  She understood just how relentless and difficult it was to deal with him.  It was also apparent to her that he was trying to bait me into argument and unnecessary drama.  This is the way of the Narcissist.  They thrive on drama, chaos, arguments, and insane behavior.  They get a sick sense of satisfaction when they get a rise out of you.

His email responses would always come within ten minutes of when she sent responses back to him.  It would annoy him to no end that it would take days sometimes weeks for a response back to his emails.  This taught me a great lesson... respond to the narcissist on my terms and when I want to.  Often times this would help me to calm down before giving him a response.

The narcissist lives in a delusional world of rules that he makes up.  It took me a long time to not buy into his delusional nonsense.  When you are with someone who is narcissistic for a long time you start to believe the insults and nasty things he tells you.  The biggest mistake for me was that I believed he loved me and therefore what he said must have some truth to it.  I learned the hard way that this person is devoid of all emotions for another human being and lacks any type of empathy.  Everything he did was calculating, manipulative to meet the ends of satisying to only person that matter to him- HIMSELF.  Nothing he did was out of love or compassion for me.

If you have a narcissist to deal with on a regular basis, look for ways to shield yourself.  I had to learn to deal with him on my terms.  This meant not responding to emails right away or to not overreact whenever he made threats.  It's easier said than done, but the rewards and benefits of protecting my sanity far outweight the consequences of playing into this games.

Sara Bareilles - King Of Anything