New Beginnings

I just got back from a wonderful vacation in my hometown- Los Angeles.  The city of Angeles.  I love going back to familiar territory.  The familiar sounds, the sights, the smells.  I especially enjoyed this last trip because I went with my husband.  My husband is wonderful- always encouraging me to go out, have fun, meet friends... all things I cherish.  If you have never been in a relationship with a narcissist you take these things for granted.

When I was with my narcissist, he first started making superficial, vain excuses to not meet with my friends.  At first glance you don't think much of it and rather liken it to an off day that your partner is having.  As the years pass, you realize they aren't excuses.  They are means of keeping you from your past life.

The entire time I was married to this miserable person, I only had one thanksgiving with one of my close friends.  All other holidays, vacations were not shared with any of my friends.  And there in lies, the start of distancing you from your friends, your past- losing more ties to people who can help you when they unleash their destruction on your life.

What I deemed as an innocence from the beginning, could not be further from the truth.  No excuse had any validity as to why I could not see my friends.  When I made new friends, he would find ways to keep me from them.  If I wanted to go out for coffee with a girlfriend, I was being selfish not spending time with my family.  My narcissist would equate me having friends as me being selfish and only caring for myself.  After a few years, the arguments, the attempts as reasoning with insanity, was too much.  I lacked the energy to argue my case.

And then without fail, the narcissist would tell me how much of a loser I am for not having any friends. I could never win with this person.

When I left my narcissist, and moved 3000 miles to get away from him, I reconnected with some dear friends.  True friends are always there for you no matter how far you stray from them!  While on vacation, I visited my childhood friend of 26 years!  Saying that out loud makes me feel my age!

The most wonderful part of this entire trip was sharing my past with my husband... the non-narcissist.  My narcissist used to tell me that LA was a hell hole and that he would never want to visit there... well geesh, asshole never appreciated anything about me to include where I grew up.  And if you don't visit LA with a native, you haven't truly visited LA.  His loss, because on this trip, I realized how much fun it was to live in such a great city.  We visited Universal Studios, LACMA, the La Brea Tarpits, California Science Museum, Santa Barbara, and sooooooo much more.  We also tasted so many wonderful foods that we don't have locally back home.

Narcissists always try to make you feel bad- bad about yourself, your friends, your past- basically every aspect of your life.  They break you down at every opportunity.  I find it quite ludicrous when I look back that my narcissist who grew up in the back woods of Louisiana, would call LA a hell hole.  My narcissist would also criticize something he has never truly tried or truly visited.  Visiting a city and sitting in a hotel is not the same.  You see my narcissist would visit wonderful cities and then lock himself up in his hotel room.  He travelled for work and thought it a bother to venture out.

When you are in a relationship with a narcissist your self esteem is broken by this person's criticisms.  In hindsight, you begin to realize just how much of an ignoramus this person is.  A narcissist is quite gifted at criticizing something he is quite ignorant of.  I think they do this out of fear that people would look down on them for not knowing.  Or perhaps they do it to sound like a know-it-all.

So, I titled this blog post as "new beginnings".  When you finally leave your narcissist and finally are in a normal relationship, you truly have a New Beginning.  With that being said, you take the wisdom from all the hurt, all the destruction, all the chaos and you learn to cherish all the wonderful things a normal relationship brings- and you don't take those things for granted.  

Spending time with my childhood friend was wonderful and I couldn't help but to think that if I was still with my ex, I would never have had the opportunity to visit with her.  Knowing this, I treasured this latest visit even more.

Here we go again

I enjoyed the summer with the kids- three thousand miles away from the narcissist.  It was great for everyone involved.  The truth of the matter is I had to give up having my kids close to me all the time to get away from the crazy guy.  It was not an easy decision to come to, but I saw how he was roping the kids into his games just to get even with me.  So as painful as it was, I left and resigned to see them for only three months of the year.  As painful and as unfair I know this is, it was the best solution to a difficult situation.  I just dropped my kids off with their dad and less than an hour later I got a nasty email from him accusing me of stealing their medical and ID cards because as he puts it that I am not their custodial parent.  He also insinuates that I must have had a team of medical experts check them out over the summer and that he wants all their records.  Pattern... yes pattern.

We are about to go to court again because he violated the terms of our divorce decree less than two months after it was signed.  You see, he was supposed to have them fly into a mutually agreed upon airport or if an agreement could not be made.  Instead he flew them into an airport that was five hours away and the return flight was for 6 am.  UGH!

Every time we are about to go to court, I get accused of something.  And if it isn't me, it is the kids' teachers who step forwards and are willing to testify on my behalf.  This is the pattern that I am referring to.    I feel badly for everyone that gets involved.  This past year, he had a teacher fired from their school.

I moved three thousand miles to get away from this insanity... so I could survive and be sane.  I could not take it anymore.  The constant calling of the police, making false allegations, showing up at my work place, trying to get me fired, stalking me, trying to bait me into another chaotic situation that I would have to deal with.  It was all too daunting.


I wanted to desperately to be able to move with the kids and get them away from all this lunacy.  Unfortunately I lived in a state that punishes you for trying to get away from an abusive person with your children.  For this, I get judged all the time as a heartless mother.  But to those critics, I say to you- have you ever experienced true narcissism.  I could have stayed and I would have continued to deteriorate.  My kids would have been ensnared in all the mess every day.  I would have had to interact with him on a much more regular basis.  At least now, the kids can see me without the chaos and the drama- in my home, in my safe haven, away from the narcissist.  I get some sense of peace and so do they. 

I try to limit my interaction with my narcissist.  It is for my own benefit.  But when he feels I haven't given him sufficient attention, he stirs up trouble for me... and all I can say is "here we go again".  Reasoning with this lunatic is a complete and utter waste of time.  Unless you comply exactly as he demands, he will relentlessly make your life completely miserable.  So, I realize that there is little I can do.  The best thing for me to do is to limit my interaction with him and let him do his own thing.  He stated to me that he will get the ID cards from me by "any means necessary".

I actually hope he does... I hope he calls the police, the government, the lawyers, whomever he deems necessary... because I have the paperwork that says I have the right.  Just getting the cards was a painstaking hassle.  I had to repeatedly remind him of our divorce decree and that he is in contempt of court if he doesn't provide them to me... what a pain and what an ass he is and will always be. 

So, I have taken away many of the ways he used to hurt me.  It is much harder for him to hassle me from three thousand miles away.  So he resorts to minute, trivial things like insurance cards.  How pathetic that he spends his time inventing new ways to get to me.  I should be somewhat flattered by all the attention he gives me... "hey crazy guy, I didn't know I was worth all the trouble".   The less attention I give this guy, the more he spends his time and energy... He just can't stand to be ignored and I can't wait until the day he does ignore me for good.  I just want some peace and to enjoy by time with the kids... isn't it enough for him that he gets the kids the majority  of the time?  Nothing is enough for the narcissist.

I needed to vent and let out some frustration in my blog today.  Now, it is time for me to live my life and to not think about him.  I have decided to ignore the email that he shot back at me today until friday.  I am going to enjoy the rest of the week.  He can stew in his own misery and wonder why I haven't bothered to give him the time of day by reading his pathetic, sophomoric replies.  :)

The Devaluing of Oneself

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year.   This relationship has been tough- not because it is so awful, but because it is so wonderful.  Kind of hard to understand sometimes... You would think after such a horrible relationship and experience with a narcissist, every other relationship should be easier.  Sometimes on the contrary- because you have to realize that after being with a narcissist for so long, I really was brainwashed into devaluing myself and to think I just didn't deserve better.  Another point to understand is that when you are with a narcissist, drama, insanity, abuse is just expected.  So when I was finally in a healthy relationship, the normalcy put me in unfamiliar territory.  I sometimes would start fights just because that was easier to deal with then dealing with being normal.  I had to later explain to my boyfriend, that I unintentionally start fights because I just expect the worst.  So it became a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. 

There are times when there is nothing to question, and nothing out of the ordinary that I just expected the worst.  None of it came true this past year.  I created my own drama!  Eekers!  I am still learning to be in this normal relationship.  You have to understand that this is very new to me. 

Recovery from the narcissist doesn't end because I physically left the person.  Getting them out of your normal day to day thought processes and dealing with life again without this crazy person takes a lot of time and understanding.  I struggle day to day with this.  Thank goodness my guy is a saint!

Somethings are Just Not Acceptable Anymore

I've realized that having been through such a tramatic relationship with someone for so long, that I cannot tolerant certain things anymore.  One very important thing that makes me run from a relationship is someone who knowingly hurts me.   I just cannot tolerate it anymore- nor should I.  Why should I compromise being in a relationship where someone doesn't care to consider my feelings.  I foolishly did this for ten very long years.  I allowed it to happen.  So, if I allow it to continue to happen in my future relationships and refuse to learn and grow, I have no one to blame but myself. 

I refuse to be a victim again.