I can Learn A Lot From My Dog

My dog is an escape artist.  She got out last week and got into a car accident.  I am forever grateful that the person who hit her did not leave her on the side of the road.  He took her to the vet and we were notified when they ran her microchip.  So last week, we had to make the decision to either try to screw her leg back together and keep her in a cage for months so she could heal or they could amputate her leg.  Knowing her personality, I couldn't picture her doing to well being sedated and immobile in a cage for months.  So, we made the difficult decision to amputate her leg.  I was crushed.  This tiny dog that weighed only seven pounds, and only a year old, would lose a leg!  I was devastated.  She is the most energetic dog I have ever had.  She would drive us nuts with her boundless energy.  I couldn't picture her without a leg and without that boundless energy. 

We picked her up after the surgery and it has only been about five days she has been home.  She is already trying to run around and it is just amazing how quickly she is recovering.  I went on you tube and watched some videos of dogs with only three legs.  In one video, a dog who lost a leg only two weeks before, was already running and playing fetch.  My dog is not quite back to herself, but she is getting there.  Two days after her surgery she was trotting along, wagging her tail. 

This past year has been difficult.  My divorce was finalized after two years and it has been hard for me to come to terms that I don't get to see my kids all the time.  It has also been difficult to watch them transform by the influence of the narcissist and it scares me to think that they too might be just like him.  My friends have termed as a "worry wort".  Yes, I worry about things that I have no control over.  It drags me down and makes it hard for me to live my life. 

So I have been watching my dog- and she doesn't mope for her missing leg, all depressed.  I have been watching her adapt to what she does have- three perfectly healthy legs.  This morning I had the fortune of hearing the highest ranking surviving fire fighter give a very heartfelt emotional speech.  And in the end, I thought it was poignant and so relevant to all of us to be grateful for what we have.  I posted a link from youtube that shows him giving a speech. 

When I was with my narcissist, I was and still am constantly grieving for the lost time, spent emotions, lost opportunities and I just get so sad.  So sad about everything the narcissist took away from me in the past.  So bitter at times that I forget to fully enjoy the life that I have now at this very moment.  I have a great job, great boss, great guy, great house and obviously a great dog.  Between watching my dog this week and hearing the speech of Richard Piccoto, I have been reminded that I need appreciate and enjoy what I have.  On another note, I think my experience with the narcissist has also put in to perspective how much worse things can get.  I will never forget all the hell this man put me through, but it is time to put it towards the good things in life.  This week, I have applied to volunteer at a local domestic violence shelter for women.  I could mope and grieve for what he did, or I could take what I learned and put it to good use. 

So I want to encourage those of you reading this, to do something positive from your experience with the narcissist.  Help another woman get out of a bad situation, share your experience and hopefully someone else will get out of bad relationship because it is like the experience of my dog, it isn't about the limb she lost, but about the three healthy legs that she has learned to adapt with. 

Physical Ailments

When I was in my 20s, my doctors would always comment on how healthy I was.  My cholesterol and blood pressure levels were always low,  I had no complaints or ailments.  Flash forward ten years, a tumultuous relationship with a narcissist and it is a completely different story.  My HDL levels were low, my blood pressure is high, and I have thyroid issues.  I realize that as I was just trying to survive the daily grind, trauma and drama of my narcissist, I forgot to take care of myself physically.  I completely neglected my own health because I was too busy and too frantic dealing with the latest crisis that the monster would ensue upon me. 

Growing up I was a competitive swimmer for nearly eighteen years.  I ate a properly balanced meal, worked out two to four hours a day, made sure I got enough sleep and took all sorts of vitamins and supplements.  I continued this ritual until I was thrown into a whirlwind.  I often wonder to myself if I suffer from declining health, how does the narcissist not feel these same effects.  the only logical conclusion that I can come to, is that even though they hurl all sorts of drama at you, they themselves do not react the same to the same kind o f stressors.  I think it is because they are completely wired differently.  When someone lacks empathy, they obviously just don't care.  Life is just one big game to them in which they must destroy and conquer.  To those of us who are normal in our thinking, life isn't a game.  We feel the pain, the anger, the hurt... and so does our bodies. 

Today, I am happy to report that I am going to a chiropractor, acupuncturist, taking my vitamins, exercising and eating much healthier foods.  I hold a lot of stress in my neck, shoulders and stomach... I want to release this stress... it almost feels ritualistic... as if I am working on releasing my narcissist from the grip he held on me.  I can't completely erase the damage that my narcissist did on my body- on top of just plain getting older.  The best that I can do is to try to mitigate the extent of the damage.  I think that is something that we all need to come to grips with as survivors- not just in regards to our physical health, but also with our mental and emotional well being. 

Here we go again

I enjoyed the summer with the kids- three thousand miles away from the narcissist.  It was great for everyone involved.  The truth of the matter is I had to give up having my kids close to me all the time to get away from the crazy guy.  It was not an easy decision to come to, but I saw how he was roping the kids into his games just to get even with me.  So as painful as it was, I left and resigned to see them for only three months of the year.  As painful and as unfair I know this is, it was the best solution to a difficult situation.  I just dropped my kids off with their dad and less than an hour later I got a nasty email from him accusing me of stealing their medical and ID cards because as he puts it that I am not their custodial parent.  He also insinuates that I must have had a team of medical experts check them out over the summer and that he wants all their records.  Pattern... yes pattern.

We are about to go to court again because he violated the terms of our divorce decree less than two months after it was signed.  You see, he was supposed to have them fly into a mutually agreed upon airport or if an agreement could not be made.  Instead he flew them into an airport that was five hours away and the return flight was for 6 am.  UGH!

Every time we are about to go to court, I get accused of something.  And if it isn't me, it is the kids' teachers who step forwards and are willing to testify on my behalf.  This is the pattern that I am referring to.    I feel badly for everyone that gets involved.  This past year, he had a teacher fired from their school.

I moved three thousand miles to get away from this insanity... so I could survive and be sane.  I could not take it anymore.  The constant calling of the police, making false allegations, showing up at my work place, trying to get me fired, stalking me, trying to bait me into another chaotic situation that I would have to deal with.  It was all too daunting.


I wanted to desperately to be able to move with the kids and get them away from all this lunacy.  Unfortunately I lived in a state that punishes you for trying to get away from an abusive person with your children.  For this, I get judged all the time as a heartless mother.  But to those critics, I say to you- have you ever experienced true narcissism.  I could have stayed and I would have continued to deteriorate.  My kids would have been ensnared in all the mess every day.  I would have had to interact with him on a much more regular basis.  At least now, the kids can see me without the chaos and the drama- in my home, in my safe haven, away from the narcissist.  I get some sense of peace and so do they. 

I try to limit my interaction with my narcissist.  It is for my own benefit.  But when he feels I haven't given him sufficient attention, he stirs up trouble for me... and all I can say is "here we go again".  Reasoning with this lunatic is a complete and utter waste of time.  Unless you comply exactly as he demands, he will relentlessly make your life completely miserable.  So, I realize that there is little I can do.  The best thing for me to do is to limit my interaction with him and let him do his own thing.  He stated to me that he will get the ID cards from me by "any means necessary".

I actually hope he does... I hope he calls the police, the government, the lawyers, whomever he deems necessary... because I have the paperwork that says I have the right.  Just getting the cards was a painstaking hassle.  I had to repeatedly remind him of our divorce decree and that he is in contempt of court if he doesn't provide them to me... what a pain and what an ass he is and will always be. 

So, I have taken away many of the ways he used to hurt me.  It is much harder for him to hassle me from three thousand miles away.  So he resorts to minute, trivial things like insurance cards.  How pathetic that he spends his time inventing new ways to get to me.  I should be somewhat flattered by all the attention he gives me... "hey crazy guy, I didn't know I was worth all the trouble".   The less attention I give this guy, the more he spends his time and energy... He just can't stand to be ignored and I can't wait until the day he does ignore me for good.  I just want some peace and to enjoy by time with the kids... isn't it enough for him that he gets the kids the majority  of the time?  Nothing is enough for the narcissist.

I needed to vent and let out some frustration in my blog today.  Now, it is time for me to live my life and to not think about him.  I have decided to ignore the email that he shot back at me today until friday.  I am going to enjoy the rest of the week.  He can stew in his own misery and wonder why I haven't bothered to give him the time of day by reading his pathetic, sophomoric replies.  :)

Not a level playing field

I think we can all agree that from our earliest childhood memories we can recall that we were always taught that good will prevail against evil.  For most of us, we tend to believe this as a core value.  When I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship, I really wanted to believe that goodness and especially the truth would prevail.  I wanted to right so many wrongs- and in doing so I expended so much energy and at times just came across as someone who was mentally unstable.  How miserable to be in an abusive relationship and in trying to right the wrongs of the abuser, we become obsessed with "fixing it".  It took me a long time, a lot of heartache and pain, to just learn to walk away. 

Do you ever feel like you just want to prove to the world, what a horrible person your narcissist is?  They have no conscience and dare I say it--they have no soul.  They feel no remorse or guilt for the horrible things they inflict on you.  When someone acts without emotion, they act like a robot... they drive you insane, breakdown your defenses, and when you lash out and just lose it- they magically, turn to world and say "see, look at what a crazy person I have to deal with".  They are so good at this game.  My ex used to follow me around with a video camera for weeks, stalk me, and when I just about it had it and starting breaking dishes and screaming out of pure anger and frustration, he would jump into his calm demeanor and call upon his friends and everyone else to "show them just what a crazy person I was".  Then I would frantically, try to show and explain to people what had been going on for weeks and sometimes even months... why I broke down.  None of it mattered, all that mattered was that their friend or colleague had successfully duped them into demonstrating the aftermath... when you finally break down. 

The abused person has a normal reaction to someone who torments and abuses them.  The narcissist has a cold, calculated, manipulated reaction.  Thus this creates an uneven playing field.  When the other person lacks the ability to have normal reactions and emotions, fair just goes out the window.  There is nothing fair, nothing nice, nothing decent when dealing with a narcissist. 

Many times, by the time you realize you are with a narcissist, the damage has been done.   His friends think you are nuts and emphatize with the narcissist because they have to deal with the likes of  you... It took me a long time to just say "f*ck it.  I don't give a damn anymore what other people think and I especially don't care what you (the narcissist) thinks of me".  Best therapy of my life.  Walking away, not being a part of the chaos the narcissist ensues, was the best remedy.    Because when one person doesn't have the ability to play fair, why play at all?  Why give them the satisfaction?  Let them move on to the next victim- so they leave you alone and let you recover and heal. 

I hope I can reach someone who thinks that the best course of action is to extract revenge or to somehow show the world the true nature of the narcissist.  I hope that they just turn around and say,  "I will live the best life ever and that will be the best revenge".  Because when they see they haven't gotten to you and that you have moved on, it will eat them up.   They will be consumed with what they deem as "unfairness"... because in their minds you don't deserve it, you deserve to be miserable for ever.  Let them wallow in their own misery.  Let them stew in their own jealousy. 

My house is almost done- two more weeks.  I have a great job and a wonderful guy in my life.  I will be posting pictures of our finished house soon.  Living a life of peace and happiness is my number one goal.  Never again will I let the narcissist ensnare me in his chaos.  Never again, will I let this person degrade me.  Never again will I let this person have any say in how I feel, how I live, and who I am. 

*roll of the eyes*

I am spending the summer with my kids.  It's hard not to see them all the time.  It was the price I had to pay to get away from crazy guy, but I knew in my heart that this too would only be temporary.  Even they would eventually see the lunacy of his behavior. 

As I was unpacking my oldest daughter's bag, I asked her why this time there were no vitamins packed... vitamins- one of the last resorts of the control freak.  The last few times he would send a pack of vitamins on send illicit details on how to give it to the kids- which I complied without saying a word- just merely a roll of the eyes because I knew it was to get a rise out of me.  Since he got none, I guess he just moved on to other ways of trying to keep control over me.  Her answer to me was that dad did not pack the vitamins because I would just "throw them away".  I asked her quite plainly- "have you ever seen me throw away your vitamins?"  In which she replied, no.  As I turned and rolled my eyes again. 

What the narcissist doesn't realize in his delusional world that in trying to be the favored parent by making up insinuations and lies, he is trying just over time slowly revealing his true nature.  Because even for his children, he cannot but show his true nature.  He just simply cannot help himself.  Even they will be able to see through the lies as they get older. 

I've learned to just not play into his sophomoric chicanery.  I just "roll my eyes".  By being above his tactics of deception and lies, over time it becomes evident who the true victim and who the true liar is.  I just laugh at his idiotic lame attempts at trying to make me into something I am not.  Because in reality- he is scared.  Scared that the kids will have a fantastic time with me and that when they are old enough they will be able to tell the judge that they prefer to live with mom.  It's his fear that turns him into this ugly, pathetic person.  He doesn't know how to behave through the fear in rational terms- so he resorts to deception, lies, and manipulation. 

This resonates throughout every aspect of his life... scared that he will become insignificant at work- therefore he bolsters himself with fantastic accomplishments.  Scared of getting old, therefore he becomes a shallow, vain shell of a being.  Scared the others would learn the truth about them, therefore, therefore they aim to surround themselves with people they are secretly jealous of and want to be. 

What a sad way to live a life.  How tiring it must be to be so consummed with appearances or scared of their own shadows.  Well to that, I roll my eyes, I stay quiet and live the best life, and I say "boo"- scared of me yet?  because you should be.  I am not one of those people you will manipulate any longer.  You know that I know the truth about you.  You also know that I see right through you for the hollow person you really are.  But best of all, you know you won't get away with the lies and deception with me anymore.

I checked an email from crazy guy today and true to his label, he made another crazy insinuation.  So apparently him not being able to buy his house was somehow my fault... hahaha... I have to laugh because I moved three thousand miles to get away from nut case and he still seems to find the energy to blame me... so apparently moving will cause a disruption in where the kids will attend school and he is afraid that I will some how "litigate" him for moving the kids to a different a school... EXCEPT.... wait a minute crazy guy logic- you forgot that we moved when we were married and our daughter got to stay in the same school because she has special needs...

Why do I share this story.... only because it just goes to show you how logic fails the narcissist... perhaps you crazy nut case you can't buy your house because you insisted on foreclosing our house to "teach me a lesson".... except it was karma... the mortgage was solely in your name... so you shot yourself in the foot... all I have to say... what a DUMBASS!  What goes around comes around.

I love how these narcissists think that they can just keep spewing their vile, irrational BS and that they think somehow they will remain immune to it forever. 

Why did my crazy ex try to point the finger at me for his latest misgivings???  I think it is because he would rather lie, rant, and blame others then to face the truth of the whole matter... I want to say to him "you screwed up by trying to hurt me... in the end you only hurt yourself.  I hope you learned your lesson, but I know better.  You will never learn from your mistakes because somehow in your irraitonal mind you found yet another way to blame me for all your misery and your horrible life.  So now you are embarrassed and you feel that you must blame me yet again... except I am no longer your punching bag.  I got away from you for a reason- think about that while."

I started writing an email in which I pointed out the fact that not being able to buy his house was due to his poor choices and a few other lines where I wanted to rub it in his face... in the end, I erased all those lines and wrote an emotionless response to his email- which I am sure he will find a way to try to pick a fight with me- I refuse to give him that satisfaction ever again. 

The narcissist must always find someone else to blame for his woes.  In his mind he is always perfect; therefore it must be someone else's fault- oh heaven forbid if they should ever face reality.  That would require a level of maturity that the narcissist is never able to achieve.  If you really think about it, it really is sad that the narcissist lives in a world far from reality and can never grow and learn from his own mistakes.  Just further evidence that thte narcissist is his worst enermy.

The Devaluing of Oneself

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year.   This relationship has been tough- not because it is so awful, but because it is so wonderful.  Kind of hard to understand sometimes... You would think after such a horrible relationship and experience with a narcissist, every other relationship should be easier.  Sometimes on the contrary- because you have to realize that after being with a narcissist for so long, I really was brainwashed into devaluing myself and to think I just didn't deserve better.  Another point to understand is that when you are with a narcissist, drama, insanity, abuse is just expected.  So when I was finally in a healthy relationship, the normalcy put me in unfamiliar territory.  I sometimes would start fights just because that was easier to deal with then dealing with being normal.  I had to later explain to my boyfriend, that I unintentionally start fights because I just expect the worst.  So it became a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. 

There are times when there is nothing to question, and nothing out of the ordinary that I just expected the worst.  None of it came true this past year.  I created my own drama!  Eekers!  I am still learning to be in this normal relationship.  You have to understand that this is very new to me. 

Recovery from the narcissist doesn't end because I physically left the person.  Getting them out of your normal day to day thought processes and dealing with life again without this crazy person takes a lot of time and understanding.  I struggle day to day with this.  Thank goodness my guy is a saint!

Silence is SO GOLDEN!

I haven't written on my blog in a long time.  I have been busy with work and building my new house.  I've learned to not tell my ex about anything that I do or to give him any hints of what is going on in my life.  This drives the narcissist insane.  They can't stand it when you refuse to engage. 

So, as it turns out, I kept my mouth shut about my new house and only shared it with the kids.  He apparently managed to somehow buy a house... oh the email that I got from him bragging about his house that he put a bid in for and it was accepted made me want to gag.  He boasted about how large and beautiful and awesome it was... oh that it was soooo huge and he put in intricate details about size, number of rooms, blah blah blah... The house is the same size as mine and for most of the year it will only be inhabited by me and my boyfriend... whereas he will be in a same size house with SEVEN people.  I had to laugh.  The ludicrous insinuation that this idiot was making that his house was going to be better than mine... who the f&*( cares. 

My narcissist doesn't seem to get it... I really do not care.  I could give a rat's ass - as the saying goes, but he on the other hand has to make it a point to fill me in on the details of his supposed awesome life with his girlfriend... who is still married to husband number three... "for reals???" 

I just keep my mouth shut and laugh in side as he goes on and on about how wonderful he is.  And I say to myself... "what a dumbass".  Not saying anything and not engaging with him on small talk is the best thing to do.  Sometimes it is really hard... like this time, I really wanted to make fun of how he thought his house was so large.  I bit my tongue- boy am I full of cliches today...

So, I guess I am going to take a few minutes to brag about my new house here on my blog- customized house, 2400 square feet, 4 bedrooms, with master bedroom suite.  Awesome kitchen with quartz countertops and a bonus room to hang out in :)  .  So maybe I didn't get to rub it in his face, but I at least got to write about.  I love watching our house being built.  I love the fact that I am picking things out that are the way I want it and not having to settle for what crazy guy deemed as awesome... because we never had the same taste in anything, but there was no compromising- there was only the "you have no sense in style and what you like looks really bad".  When we worked with the designer to tell her what we wanted, colors, etc, she absolutely loved what we were doing.  Everything is contemporary and modern.  The way I want it... clean lines.. none of this frilly, traditional style for this girl.

I can't wait to see it when our house is done.  Maybe I will be brave and even post a few pictures.  Enjoying this time and not sharing in the least with my ex-crazy guy has been wonderful.  Who cares what he thinks and besides it really is none of his business how I decide to live my life.

My little update- turns out he didn't get the house after all and for some reason he told my daughter they weren't moving until the fall.  He went all out bragging about stuff and nothing came to fruition... a lot of times with the narcissist you will find that they are just full of hot air. 

Learning to Choose What I Want

In my 20s, I had opinions- however screwed up they were, they were my opinions... somehow in the midst of dealing with my narcissist, I lost my voice.  I gave up trying to explain my desires, wants, opinions... because it was just easier to sit their quietly.  It was too tiring to argue with him.

Since, I have fled from my narcissist, I have been trying to figure out what my likes and dislikes are in so many areas.  In a lot of ways I forgot what it really meant to get what I want... I am still working on getting out that little voice in my head that constantly tells me that I am not good enough, that my choices are horrible and that it just doesn't matter. 

I am in the midst of buying my own home... yeah!!!  Finally!!!!  When I was with my narcissist, every home was what he wanted.  They were all fixer uppers--- because he had convinced himself that he was a master at everything- plumbing, tiling, carpentry... except all of his work was less than par.  This made me dread going home... to see the tile work not lined up evenly, to see the plumbing done not to code, to see paint splattered in odd places like the ceiling and the door frames.  Yet after a long time, I just gave up saying anything.  It was too tiring to argue with a person who thought he was the grand master and all so perfect.  Pointing out flaws in his work was just unacceptable in his kingdom of hell.  His argument to me was that I couldn't do any better so such the F*** up. 

So, now as I buy my new house... I am revelling in looking through endless decorating magazines, looking through houses for sale... and I am taking my time.  I want to make sure that I buy what I want and not what that little voice in my head tells me to buy.  I love dealing with the realtor by myself and telling him exactly what I want.  What a refreshing feeling to take my sweet time, figure out what I want, and to buy what I want. 

This exercise of figuring out what I want and getting what I want has been abundant in all aspects of my life... clothes, food, entertainment.  Not only has this improved my self esteem. but amazingly I have peeled away the sour look on my face that I used to carry and peeled away the layers of frumpiness.  To hear my friends tell me that I look like I peeled away ten years of my life inspires me to keep having fun and keep making my own decisions.  It has also taught me that I can make good decisions on my own without the Narcissist around... and that all the things he said were just nonsense.

Narcissistic Relationships - An Introduction

Dr. Drew does an excellent job in explaining narcissism in a few short sentences.

Stay Calm- Easier said than done

My lawyer is on my speed dial.... my narcissist can't behave himself and can't play by anyone else's rules but his own.  I made the mistake of letting this person get under my skin this weekend.  Kids were supposed to fly to see me at a "mutually agreed upon airport".  He has them flying into an airport four hours away.  He emails me the itinerary late friday afternoon for me to review and then proceeds to book them the early the next day- knowing full well I have not had the chance to check my emails.  UGHHHHHHH!!!!  Not only did I email this person a week before which airport was closest to me, but this is completely against the divorce decree.  I let him under my skin and when I found out, I let it ruin a good portion of my weekend.  And to add fuel to the fire, I engaged in wasted back and forth emails with this person... after calming down, I informed him that he needs to change the itinerary or I will be filing a contempt of court motion and requesting he pay lawyer fees and additional lodging and fuel fees. 

Why do I share this story?  I share it to show that a narcissist never stops... they love drama.  They love to provoke you by making drama.  When I showed him my anger and displeasure at what he did, he thrived on it and it is like feeding a ferocious animal... The more you feed their need for drama and chaos, the harder and nastier they keep coming back.  The best solution would have been to ignore the situation and let my lawyer handle it on Monday.  By starving the narcissist by not giving him the attention he so craves from me, I would have starved his ego and weakened his sense of empowerment. 

Trying to arguing with a delusional narcissist is futile.  They lack direction and do not operate in reality... once you get them started they will start spewing out garbage that doesn't even pertain to what the original argument was.  Mine starts to throw out all sorts of false allegations... he always seems to think... "well, what I did was okay, because whatever I "think" you did is way worse; therefore, I am completely in the right".... hello Mr. Delusional and your delusional logic. 

During the moments, when I don't let my emotions get the best of me and I just completely ignore him, I get the best results... I preserve my dignity, sanity, and sense of peace.  The narcissist hates to be ignored.  He will continue to try to escalate the situation and get under your skin.  When you ignore the narcissist, you are no longer their outlet... they have to find another outlet.  If they continue to escalate the situation, others will start seeing the lunacy.  My narcissist is only so good at hiding his true colors.  If I engage him, I am alone in dealing and experiencing the insanity.  If I don't engage him, he will start ranting and raving to anyone who will listen to him... eventually they will figure out that his stories, insinuations, and allegations are all delusions created by a fantastic narcissist.