Victim Defendants

Narcissists have this uncanny gift of being able to completely turn off their emotions when they deem the situation warrants it.  As I was training to become a volunteer at our local domestic violence organization, I was caught off guard when they talked about "victim defendants".  It wasn't because I didn't believe that there could be such a thing, but because I was one... and it struck me that this organization recognized it.  Where I moved from- they didn't care about the history of the relationship, but what had happened in the moment... so I am about to share a story that is both hard, embarrassing, and brings lots of sadness.

It all started with my ex pretending to make fake phone calls to our neighbors... He would say on the phone that "I was crazy and that I was abusing them" after one of our many loud arguments.  What he would do would press the button for the phone locator- which sounded a lot like a phone ring to pretend that the neighbors were calling our house out of "concern".  I would call him on his bluff, tell him that I knew the difference in the ring tone and that I knew for a fact that the neighbors did not have our phone numbers.  He would just hurl another childish insult.

Flash forward a few years, and I am now pregnant with twins.  My ex was a miserable ass the entire time we were pregnant.  He would pick fights just to pick fights with me.  I never had a moment of peace.  One night he pushed me down to the ground and because of his bizarre behavior for weeks, I called the police out of fear the situation would escalate.  Before the police came, he actually went outside and threw water on himself.  When the police arrived, he "calmly" told them that I had started the fight and that I had provoked him by throwing water on him.  I was completely dumbfounded and the police told me that unless I had marks on me that there was nothing they could do.  He stood there and heard all of this.  So the next day, he picks another fight with me, and at that point, I told him I was leaving him... his first response was that he was going to kill himself.  I told him "go ahead and do us all a favor".  I know that sounds heartless, but this wasn't the first time that he said he would "kill himself" in the middle of an argument if I didn't comply with his outlandish needs.  That morning, during our argument, he had thrown away my college diplomas, awards, pictures, etc in the trash.  This man just could not argue like a normal adult.  He would act in bizarre ways.  For weeks he had been following me around with a video camera as soon as I got home.  It was just relentless. 

I just needed to get away from him and go to work.  So I took my daughter to school- he calmly watched me put her in the car and drive off.  I realized after I dropped her off that I forgot my purse, so I begrudgingly headed back home.  As I drove up to my car, I noticed a sheriff's car.  He had actually hit himself in the face, trying to get me arrested... now just to recap the situation, I am about five months pregnant with twins and he had heard the night before that there had to be a mark on me for the police to take action.  I became completely hysterical... and yet, very eerily he remained calm.  I showed them all the things of mine that he had been throwing away and I told them that he calmly watched me put my daughter in the car and drive away.  I still remember asking them, "If I am so violent as he claims, why would he watch me drive away with my daughter.  If the roles were reversed, I would block the car and keep him from taking my daughter."  Luckily that day, the deputies that they sent out were reasonable and realized that his story was full of holes... and yet he insisted on writing a victim's statement "for record".  They thought it was bizarre that he insisted on trying to actually get his pregnant wife arrested.

For years, he followed me with a camera to try to bait me into a fight, to try to frame me.  He actually followed me around with a camera and caused me so much stress that my water broke.  Instead of putting down his camera, he video taped me drive away.  He then proceeded to call the sheriff's department and child protective services... stating that I was endangering our unborn children by recklessly driving away with my water broken. 

Child protective services and the sheriff's department were always knocking on my door because he would use them as just more pawns to feed his narcissism. 



I fought with this system for years- the courts, child protective services, etc.  They refused to look at what brought the relationship to this point.  Women unfortunately, often become victim defendants... so we get abused twice- once by our perpetrators and again by a flawed system.  My ex became quite the master of manipulating the system.  He used the system to make false complaints against day care ladies that stood up for me willing to testify.  He used the system to make false complaints against teachers and schools that did not comply with his ego.  They too were victims. 

My children also became victims of the system.

When I finally decided to leave him, he tried his usual pattern of trying to completely make my life chaotic and use the system against me.  I refused to give him that luxury.  I showed him no emotion and on the phone, I said what I needed to and would hang up.  I slowly got rid of as many ways as he could control me with.  But that wasn't enough, I had to physically move away from him.  I knew if I stayed, he would just try to escalate the situation and would continue to harass me.  This person has shown up at my work trying to get my fired in the past.  I just could not let him turn my life upside down anymore.  So, I left the state.  I tried desperately to leave with my children and fought for over two years to try to get my children back with me... but again the system failed me.  They refused to look at the entire situation.  They completely ignored the fact that he was diagnosed as being a narcissist by a well-respected psychiatrist.  All the judge saw was that I moved away and all she could see was that I left the kids behind. 

I am happy to see that where I have moved to, there are agencies, law enforcement and legal personnel that recognize that victims often get tangled up as defendants... because they fight back or because they just have had enough and snap.  The local domestic violence agency actually goes out to the jails, to try to find these victim defendants.  I wish these people were in the state that I was in when I was going through the chaos. 

There were people here and there that recognized him for who he was... the guardian ad litem appointed by the court, some of his co-workers, and some of the social workers... unfortunately they were out-ruled by their supervisors.  What struck all of them as odd was how "calm" he remained and how he wanted me to get in trouble and suffer.  These are not the behavior of a normal person.  Normal people do not want their spouses to get in trouble and suffer for things they did not do... normal people do not act calm after a heated argument when the police arrive. 

Physical Ailments

When I was in my 20s, my doctors would always comment on how healthy I was.  My cholesterol and blood pressure levels were always low,  I had no complaints or ailments.  Flash forward ten years, a tumultuous relationship with a narcissist and it is a completely different story.  My HDL levels were low, my blood pressure is high, and I have thyroid issues.  I realize that as I was just trying to survive the daily grind, trauma and drama of my narcissist, I forgot to take care of myself physically.  I completely neglected my own health because I was too busy and too frantic dealing with the latest crisis that the monster would ensue upon me. 

Growing up I was a competitive swimmer for nearly eighteen years.  I ate a properly balanced meal, worked out two to four hours a day, made sure I got enough sleep and took all sorts of vitamins and supplements.  I continued this ritual until I was thrown into a whirlwind.  I often wonder to myself if I suffer from declining health, how does the narcissist not feel these same effects.  the only logical conclusion that I can come to, is that even though they hurl all sorts of drama at you, they themselves do not react the same to the same kind o f stressors.  I think it is because they are completely wired differently.  When someone lacks empathy, they obviously just don't care.  Life is just one big game to them in which they must destroy and conquer.  To those of us who are normal in our thinking, life isn't a game.  We feel the pain, the anger, the hurt... and so does our bodies. 

Today, I am happy to report that I am going to a chiropractor, acupuncturist, taking my vitamins, exercising and eating much healthier foods.  I hold a lot of stress in my neck, shoulders and stomach... I want to release this stress... it almost feels ritualistic... as if I am working on releasing my narcissist from the grip he held on me.  I can't completely erase the damage that my narcissist did on my body- on top of just plain getting older.  The best that I can do is to try to mitigate the extent of the damage.  I think that is something that we all need to come to grips with as survivors- not just in regards to our physical health, but also with our mental and emotional well being. 

PTSD

First of all, I highly recommend getting a therapist if you are or have dealt with a narcissist.  My therapy time was in many ways my safe time.  No one to answer to, no one asking me "why did you stay with him for so long?" or making comments like- "well you are the one who married him".  I had a wonderful therapist and I would really like to find another one, but the thought of having to revisit old wounds and tell the story again, just seems to painful right now.  So I have just let this one slide, but I think it would do me some good.  One of the things my last therapist explained was that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of everything I have been through.  I didn't want to believe it... I just thought I would go through normal depression issues like anyone in my situation would.  It wasn't until I moved away from my ex that I discovered exactly what she was talking about.

As I was unpacking my things, I found a rather large number of Glad Plug-ins.  My ex was obsessed with these things.  Insisted on putting them everywhere.  So, out of habit, I started to plug them into my new apartment.  It was like I was a robot, trained to always stick these things into every open outlet.  A few minutes later, I wanted to vomit from the smell and I felt dizzy.  I had to immediately go unplug them, throw them in the dumpster and lay down.  And then there it was, I realized that I really did have PTSD.  Many times when you go through a relationship with a narcissist, it is so traumatic, that like the battle-weary soldier, there will be certain things that trigger your memory of the trauma caused by the narcissist. 

I get angry sometimes when I think about all the invisible scars this person has left on my emotional and mental well-being. 

So, here I am nearly three years after I left crazy guy, and I am finally in my new house.  I used to hate going home to my ex because it was just plain unpleasant... all the insults, all the criticism, all the tension, all the stress... this summer I made the unfortunate decision to allow my boyfriend's mother to come and watch my kids.  Ugh, what a horrible idea this was... Mothers- so many seem to have a hard time realizing that their little boys are grown up and they are no longer in charge.  So, as we moved into our new house, this women had an opinion about everything- "if it were me, I would... blah blah blah".  She also disapproves of something I do on a regular basis and instead of just saying it, she walks away shaking her head visibly in disgust.  Now mind you, she is for the most part great with my kids and I am sure that she means well.  I also think that she walks away shaking her head visibly biting her tongue because she realizes that it is better to not say anything.  For weeks though, I have dreaded coming home to listen to another "if it were me" statement in regards to how she would decorate the house... my house is very contemporary.  Her house is anything but contemporary, so I try to ignore these statements.  I have also dreaded coming home to just have her walk away from me for her daily disapproval...

After a few weeks of this, I blew up.  I went into a yelling tirade with my boyfriend... he just looked at me in bewilderment.  It took me a few days to realize, that when I come home, I have to be in a peaceful, environment.  This woman, was making my home life unbearable, and it reminded me all too much of the same feeling I had when I would come home to my ex. 

My boyfriend was very sweet- he told his mom that he would take a few days off to spend some time with the kids and relieved her of watching the kids the rest of the week.  This has given me a reprieve for about four days to de-stress and have some peace.  It has been rather pleasant... no more tip-toeing around my own house. 

Just because you finish dealing with your narcissist, doesn't necessarily mean that your heart, soul, and brain are ready to move on.  I am still a disciple of learning to understand where my source of pain, frustration, and anger comes from sometimes... sometimes it is just a plain struggle to realize that you really aren't as angry at the situation, but that it really just reminds you of something you had to deal with crazy guy.  Also, just no longer being around their delusion, and living in complete reality again- this too is not an easy task... when you are with the narcissist for so long, they tend to brainwash you.  Detoxifying yourself from all that nonsense they fed you, takes time.  Learning to take care of yourself first and not taking care of the latest drama that your narcissist through at you... this too is an art.  I don't have the answers, nor will I have them all.  I think it is time for me to get another good therapist to help me get through this phase of my recovery.  These are just the thoughts going through my head as of late.

My World of Denial

Epiphanies---- you will have moments where you go "A-Ha!"... my therapist once told me that.  On the journey to finding those treasured "a Ha!" moments, I went through a lot of denial.  Denial that I could really be with someone who could truly be soulless.  Why do we deny, deny, deny what is so apparent to everyone else?  Blinded by our emotions, unable to think through what is really happening with logic and reason.  Sometimes when I share my story with someone, they just shake their head in disbelief that I could be duped in such a manner.  "How could you possibly not see what was happening?" 

I don't have the exact reason or science to this.  It just is what it is.  I kept telling myself that surely this person will see how illogical and insane his actions are and will change.  I told myself this over and over and kept going back for more and more abuse.  In hindsight, I was the one who was illogical... yes, ME.  I kept going back to an irreparable, stoic, cruel situation.  At some point, I have to take some responbility for what unfolded.  No, I didn't deserve his cruelty, but I could have walked away years ago and saved myself years of torment. 

So here I am today, in a much better place.  Out of fear and panic of repeating my mistakes, I have gone to the other extreme- I refuse to accept things just for what they are... I tend to assume the worst is going to happen in my new relationship and yet it never comes to fruition.  So, I am a little angry sometimes that because of this one crazy person, I have become a bit jaded.  It is a constant struggle in which I have to tell myself that who I am with is not that crazy guy. 

So, I don't want to be the victim again, but I struggle to find the perfect middle ground.  Logic and reason sometimes just goes out the door because I have had to deal with such an evil, manipulative person.  So, what the lesson here... I just don't know.  I guess for starters, if you think you are with a narcissist- research what a narcissist is and look for the signs.  Once the math adds up, run like hell.  Second, once you are ready to start, be careful not to let the narcissist interfere your new life by filling your head with paranoid, untrusting thoughts.

Learning to deal with things as they are, right now and not letting the past influence my present life... what a struggle this has become at times.

Not a level playing field

I think we can all agree that from our earliest childhood memories we can recall that we were always taught that good will prevail against evil.  For most of us, we tend to believe this as a core value.  When I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship, I really wanted to believe that goodness and especially the truth would prevail.  I wanted to right so many wrongs- and in doing so I expended so much energy and at times just came across as someone who was mentally unstable.  How miserable to be in an abusive relationship and in trying to right the wrongs of the abuser, we become obsessed with "fixing it".  It took me a long time, a lot of heartache and pain, to just learn to walk away. 

Do you ever feel like you just want to prove to the world, what a horrible person your narcissist is?  They have no conscience and dare I say it--they have no soul.  They feel no remorse or guilt for the horrible things they inflict on you.  When someone acts without emotion, they act like a robot... they drive you insane, breakdown your defenses, and when you lash out and just lose it- they magically, turn to world and say "see, look at what a crazy person I have to deal with".  They are so good at this game.  My ex used to follow me around with a video camera for weeks, stalk me, and when I just about it had it and starting breaking dishes and screaming out of pure anger and frustration, he would jump into his calm demeanor and call upon his friends and everyone else to "show them just what a crazy person I was".  Then I would frantically, try to show and explain to people what had been going on for weeks and sometimes even months... why I broke down.  None of it mattered, all that mattered was that their friend or colleague had successfully duped them into demonstrating the aftermath... when you finally break down. 

The abused person has a normal reaction to someone who torments and abuses them.  The narcissist has a cold, calculated, manipulated reaction.  Thus this creates an uneven playing field.  When the other person lacks the ability to have normal reactions and emotions, fair just goes out the window.  There is nothing fair, nothing nice, nothing decent when dealing with a narcissist. 

Many times, by the time you realize you are with a narcissist, the damage has been done.   His friends think you are nuts and emphatize with the narcissist because they have to deal with the likes of  you... It took me a long time to just say "f*ck it.  I don't give a damn anymore what other people think and I especially don't care what you (the narcissist) thinks of me".  Best therapy of my life.  Walking away, not being a part of the chaos the narcissist ensues, was the best remedy.    Because when one person doesn't have the ability to play fair, why play at all?  Why give them the satisfaction?  Let them move on to the next victim- so they leave you alone and let you recover and heal. 

I hope I can reach someone who thinks that the best course of action is to extract revenge or to somehow show the world the true nature of the narcissist.  I hope that they just turn around and say,  "I will live the best life ever and that will be the best revenge".  Because when they see they haven't gotten to you and that you have moved on, it will eat them up.   They will be consumed with what they deem as "unfairness"... because in their minds you don't deserve it, you deserve to be miserable for ever.  Let them wallow in their own misery.  Let them stew in their own jealousy. 

My house is almost done- two more weeks.  I have a great job and a wonderful guy in my life.  I will be posting pictures of our finished house soon.  Living a life of peace and happiness is my number one goal.  Never again will I let the narcissist ensnare me in his chaos.  Never again, will I let this person degrade me.  Never again will I let this person have any say in how I feel, how I live, and who I am. 

Learning to Not Always Expect the Worst!

When I was with my narcissist, I always expected the worst... there were moments of happiness, but as the years passed they became few and far between... and even the moments when I should have been happy, I knew the storm was just over the horizon.  So I could never truly be happy.  It was hard to enjoy life knowing that inevitably, the narcissist would transform into Jekyl. 

It's been over two years since I have resided in the same state as my ex.  Even now though the scars he has left on my soul torment me.  It's hard to enjoy life all the time because sometimes I still think the worst is yet to come.  But over time, it's these moments of self doubt that have become few and far between.  The reversal has been a slow transformation.  It's the undoing of the shackles that bind us with our narcissist. 

Sometimes it makes me so angry I allowed this person to manipulate me to the point where I lost myself over a decade of anguish, heartache, and misery.  Sometimes I just want to get back at him anyway I can- even though I know that I get the best results by not doing anything and letting them come to their own demise.  And then there are the brilliant moments when I am able to enjoy life, look at what unfolds, and just chuckle to myself and think "what an idiot". 

I sometimes wonder how my boyfriend puts up with me.  I can be the most negative person in the world at times.  Thank goodness that he is restoring my faith in the male species!  I wonder if we have to suffer sometimes to really make us cherish and treasure the good people in our lives.  Throughout my ordeals I have learned - sometimes quite painfully- that some people are just not good for me and that they must be weeded out.  I have lost so many "so called" good friends because they just couldn't stand the drama invoked by the narcissist, but in reality, are these people really all that good of friends?  The sad thing about the whole situation is that unless someone has truly dealt with the full spectrum of the narcissist, they can not understand what you could possibly going through.  They just can't fathom that it really can be just that bad.  When you relay to the person who just cannot emphatize with the outlandish narcissist stories, they just listen in disbelief... disbelief that anything that insane could really happen- but it does to thousands and thousands of people and unfortunately most of the victims are women.

Why is it that most victims are women- is it because we tend to forgive and we want to fix things?  I don't know the real reason.  I know for me I always wanted to believe that the narcissist would realize the lunacy of his actions, learn and mature over time, but we all know that that will never happen. 

How is it that the narcissist cannot see what is so plainly and painfully obvious to the rest of the world?

But I digress, today is another day.  It is sometimes sad and humurous that at times I have to say to myself "don't expect the worst.  You are not there anymore, you are here!" 

Doing things on my term

Unfortunately I still have to deal with my narcissist on my regular basis for the kids' sake.  However, I have learned to deal with this person on my terms.  I don't give into his insane baits of trying to lure me into his drama filled life.  I don't offer him that satisfaction.  Instead, I have learned the hard way to let him rant and rave and act like he is the king of everything. 

And when he thinks he has had his way, I find clever ways to deal with him- unbeknownst to him.  Taking the power of the narcissist away is both the best defense and offense.  I stopped trying to reason with this person a long time ago.  This is one time when the adage of "never give up" is just plain wrong.  Yes, by all means, give up trying to reason with the narcissist. 

Finding the way to deal with the narcissist or just plain, not dealing with him, has been such a better way of dealing with this person.  Remember the best revenge is to live the best life you can and not let this person interfere with your happiness.  Having fun, laughing, enjoying life- the best way to get even with a narcissist.

The Narcissist- his worst enemy

I am getting ready to buy a house!  I love it!  I just put an offer on a house.  It's been two years in the making, but I am finally at a point where I can do this.  Over ten years, my ex and I had three homes... they were all fixer uppers and not quite what I wanted.  If I disagreed on buying a house, I was just an idiot and didn't know what I was talking about.  I liked to describe our last house as the "clown house".  We paid a lot for a house that was a hodge podge of a fixer upper.  I still remember the day we were going to close on this house.  The seller had not completed the list of repairs on the house, and I knew the house was a shamble.  I still remember to this day, riding to the title company, crying and screaming because I did not want to buy this horrible house.  My ex was so hell bent on buying this house despite the fact that we could easily back out of it for a breach of contract on the seller's part.  I don't know why I went along with it.  Perhaps it was all the threats of what he would do to me if I didn't sign.  I felt so paralyzed with fear because I knew what he was capable of to try to hurt me.  I signed and lived in this clown house for over two years. 

For two years, I watched in disgust and sometimes in amusement as he went on a home improvement rampage.  I hated coming to this clown house.  Everyday, on the final turn, I would get physically ill having to drive up this long drive way to the clown house.  Projects would be started and never finished.  The yard always looked like a construction site.  He would "improve" things just to make it worse. 

When he decided to teach me a lesson a few years ago, he decided to leave me and the kids.  In his mind, he was going to put on a grandiose show (like he always does) and make my life miserable for a few days until I relented and apologized for behavior he deemed as unfavorable to him.  Little did he know that after five years of this nonsensical behavior, I have had it.   He took off on me and I refused to answer his phone calls for five days.  That following Monday I filed for divorce for the third and final time.  I refused to listen to his nonsense anymore and I refused to apology just to make him stop his insane behavior. 

He left me while he was unemployed.  He thought he would dump the mortgage, the childcare costs, and everything else, just to teach me a lesson.  When push came to shove, I decided continuing to be employed and paying for childcare was more important than paying for the mortgage on a house I hated. 

I asked several times to help me get the house on the market, but he refused.  He then proceeded as always to play the victim.  Finally I just stopped caring and the house eventually foreclosed.  I moved shortly afterwards. 

In the midst of trying to hurt me and "teach me a lesson", he ended up hurting himself.  I can't remember the reason why, but only his name was on the promissory note.  So, when we got divorced, I made sure my lawyer put in a statement that debt incurred in our name during the marriage, was solely that person's responsibility.

He ruined his own credit trying to destroy me.  How sad that he was that short sighted, immature, and spiteful.  The narcissist is truly his worst enemy.  By trying to destroy everyone else around him, he fails to realize that he is destroying himself- his reputation, his credit, his happiness....none of that matters to him as long as he gets his way. 

So, today I am celebrating my new found freedom and relishing in the fact that I am no longer fettered by his insanity.  If you are the victim of a narcissist, remember, to step back and let them destroy their own lives.  Staying calm and not playing into the insanity is the best way to not only protect yourself, but to come out ahead.

How Did I Not See You Coming

Hindsight is often twenty twenty.  Life is always full of regrets... if only I didn't do this or that, or chose another.  But there comes a point when one has to say... "it is what it is".   I often wonder how I ended up with my narcissist.  I had all my friends meet him and they all thought he was great.  For me, I think it was the long distance relationship we had for two years.  We only saw each other about once a month.  This is the perfect gig for the narcissist. 

The first time I realized that there was a serious problem was a month after I moved in with my ex.  I remember constantly thinking to myself, "Did that really happen?"  I thought I was often losing my mind because he would say and do one thing and when I confronted him about it, he would tell me that I was mistaken.  I remember just sitting up at night recounting the events in my mind to see if maybe I really was mistaken. 

We were supposed to see my college roommate and her new husband for dinner one night shortly after I moved in with him.  I remember he started acting oddly and made such a fuss that I ended up going to see her without him.  As I was talking with my girlfriend, I remember telling her that I thought he was bipolar and that he just wasn't acting right.  What I didn't realize at the time was that this was a pattern of behavior that he would continue over and over... Anytime I had a special event or get together with one of my close friends, he would always act up.  My narcissist was trying to isolate me from everyone I was close to.  I just didn't realize what was going on. 

Later on in our marriage, he moved us far away from work under the pretenses that it was good for the kids... in hindsight I see that it was just another means to keep me further and further away from everyone.  After ten years of being with my narcissist, I realized that I had very few close friends left.  Many of my supposed friends, were so drained when dealing with the drama that came from my relationship with my narcissist, that they just faded away.   There were friends who called our house to talk to me, that were told by my ex that they were no longer welcome because they were interferring in our marriage.  I lost a lot of friends that way, but then again maybe they were not really my friends to begin with. 

The narcissist always appears so charming at first, which is why many of their victims can't fathom that what they are experiencing with this person is really happening.  We just don't see it coming.  How could we... we were too busy falling in love with Hyde, not Jekyll. 

When we finally get away from the narcissist, we are so hypersensitive to the fact that we may encounter another narcissist, that we become overly critical and overly paranoid.  It is the defensive mechanism we develop after the storm. 

I struggle with this every day in all my close relationships.  I know they are not my ex, but when they exhibit any type of behavior that closely resembles some of his actions, I tend to overreact.   My boyfriend is awesome.  He is genuinely a caring person and he has always made me feel that he would never go against me or willfully hurt me.  It is sad that I have to actually think about this, and it isn't just a normal expectation in any relationship for me.  Just one of the many scars left behind by my narcissist.  When we get into arguments, I definitely tend to overreact because I am just afraid of what might happen next... and yet I know he is not my ex.  Nothing bad ever happens, my boyfriend doesn't try to extract some sort of crazy revenge on me, and yet I tend to take action to arm myself as if I am still dealing with my ex. 

I am working on learning to have normal relationships again.  The drama is long gone, except for the drama I self-create!  When we deal with narcissists we should be ready for the worst.  After that relationship is over, it is difficult to imagine and be in a normal relationship.