Physical Ailments

When I was in my 20s, my doctors would always comment on how healthy I was.  My cholesterol and blood pressure levels were always low,  I had no complaints or ailments.  Flash forward ten years, a tumultuous relationship with a narcissist and it is a completely different story.  My HDL levels were low, my blood pressure is high, and I have thyroid issues.  I realize that as I was just trying to survive the daily grind, trauma and drama of my narcissist, I forgot to take care of myself physically.  I completely neglected my own health because I was too busy and too frantic dealing with the latest crisis that the monster would ensue upon me. 

Growing up I was a competitive swimmer for nearly eighteen years.  I ate a properly balanced meal, worked out two to four hours a day, made sure I got enough sleep and took all sorts of vitamins and supplements.  I continued this ritual until I was thrown into a whirlwind.  I often wonder to myself if I suffer from declining health, how does the narcissist not feel these same effects.  the only logical conclusion that I can come to, is that even though they hurl all sorts of drama at you, they themselves do not react the same to the same kind o f stressors.  I think it is because they are completely wired differently.  When someone lacks empathy, they obviously just don't care.  Life is just one big game to them in which they must destroy and conquer.  To those of us who are normal in our thinking, life isn't a game.  We feel the pain, the anger, the hurt... and so does our bodies. 

Today, I am happy to report that I am going to a chiropractor, acupuncturist, taking my vitamins, exercising and eating much healthier foods.  I hold a lot of stress in my neck, shoulders and stomach... I want to release this stress... it almost feels ritualistic... as if I am working on releasing my narcissist from the grip he held on me.  I can't completely erase the damage that my narcissist did on my body- on top of just plain getting older.  The best that I can do is to try to mitigate the extent of the damage.  I think that is something that we all need to come to grips with as survivors- not just in regards to our physical health, but also with our mental and emotional well being. 

Some Guys Will Always be Bad Guys

I sat here tonight reflecting on not just my narcissist, but the other bad relationships I have been in.  Why did I have to go through so many horrible relationships to finally wake up and say I just don't deserve this.  When I was 22, I was engaged to a brilliant computer software engineer.  Charming and gave me so much attention when we first started dating.  I resisted falling for him at first, but when I finally did fall for him, all my troubles began.  We got engaged after just a few short months of dating.  This person lied, and they were so good at it.  When he was caught lying about the other two women he was dating, he told more fantastic lies.  My self esteem was crushed.  This led to a string of bad relationships in which I just told myself I didn't deserve any better. 

I recently got back in touch with this person and at first as usual he was quite charming.  He apologized for his behavior and I believed it.  I really wanted to believe that even the worst of the male species could be reformed.  I was wrong.  He again told more and more fantastic lies that didn't add up. 

A Narcissist never changes.  They cannot help themselves and yes I truly believe they are wired different from other people.  The biggest difference, is their lack of empathy.  Everything is about them and they say and do things that bolsters the only person that matters- themselves! 

I wonder how they keep their stories straight.  My last narcissist couldn't keep his story straight, but I think my first narcissist was a master at it because he literally is a genius.  Such a sad truth, but in dealing with my narcissist, I must always remember that they lack the ability to change, grow, and mature. 

The Narcissist- his worst enemy

I am getting ready to buy a house!  I love it!  I just put an offer on a house.  It's been two years in the making, but I am finally at a point where I can do this.  Over ten years, my ex and I had three homes... they were all fixer uppers and not quite what I wanted.  If I disagreed on buying a house, I was just an idiot and didn't know what I was talking about.  I liked to describe our last house as the "clown house".  We paid a lot for a house that was a hodge podge of a fixer upper.  I still remember the day we were going to close on this house.  The seller had not completed the list of repairs on the house, and I knew the house was a shamble.  I still remember to this day, riding to the title company, crying and screaming because I did not want to buy this horrible house.  My ex was so hell bent on buying this house despite the fact that we could easily back out of it for a breach of contract on the seller's part.  I don't know why I went along with it.  Perhaps it was all the threats of what he would do to me if I didn't sign.  I felt so paralyzed with fear because I knew what he was capable of to try to hurt me.  I signed and lived in this clown house for over two years. 

For two years, I watched in disgust and sometimes in amusement as he went on a home improvement rampage.  I hated coming to this clown house.  Everyday, on the final turn, I would get physically ill having to drive up this long drive way to the clown house.  Projects would be started and never finished.  The yard always looked like a construction site.  He would "improve" things just to make it worse. 

When he decided to teach me a lesson a few years ago, he decided to leave me and the kids.  In his mind, he was going to put on a grandiose show (like he always does) and make my life miserable for a few days until I relented and apologized for behavior he deemed as unfavorable to him.  Little did he know that after five years of this nonsensical behavior, I have had it.   He took off on me and I refused to answer his phone calls for five days.  That following Monday I filed for divorce for the third and final time.  I refused to listen to his nonsense anymore and I refused to apology just to make him stop his insane behavior. 

He left me while he was unemployed.  He thought he would dump the mortgage, the childcare costs, and everything else, just to teach me a lesson.  When push came to shove, I decided continuing to be employed and paying for childcare was more important than paying for the mortgage on a house I hated. 

I asked several times to help me get the house on the market, but he refused.  He then proceeded as always to play the victim.  Finally I just stopped caring and the house eventually foreclosed.  I moved shortly afterwards. 

In the midst of trying to hurt me and "teach me a lesson", he ended up hurting himself.  I can't remember the reason why, but only his name was on the promissory note.  So, when we got divorced, I made sure my lawyer put in a statement that debt incurred in our name during the marriage, was solely that person's responsibility.

He ruined his own credit trying to destroy me.  How sad that he was that short sighted, immature, and spiteful.  The narcissist is truly his worst enemy.  By trying to destroy everyone else around him, he fails to realize that he is destroying himself- his reputation, his credit, his happiness....none of that matters to him as long as he gets his way. 

So, today I am celebrating my new found freedom and relishing in the fact that I am no longer fettered by his insanity.  If you are the victim of a narcissist, remember, to step back and let them destroy their own lives.  Staying calm and not playing into the insanity is the best way to not only protect yourself, but to come out ahead.

Laughing at Lunacy

It's been over two years since I have been moved thousands of miles away from my Narcissist.  It is amazing how time and distance has brought so much clarity to just how mentally unstable my narcissist really is.  When I was in the situation, I was so emotionally vested that I was blind to what was really going on.  The narcissist is also a great manipulator.  If you start hearing over and over how worthless you are, from someone who supposedly loves you, you start to believe it. 

My narcissist is with someone new.  Thank goodness!  They seem to be right for each other.  His newest victim, has been married three times and is only 32 years old.  In one year this woman managed to get divorced, get married again, and get divorced again.  She is from the country of Georgia and supposedly she was a lawyer there.  Her oldest son is around eleven years old...Now, in our country, she is making t-shirts at a local tourist trap... hmmmm.... does this make any sense????  Married three times, has two kids, somehow managed to have a law degree- which she never used, and is now making t-shirts?????   Did I miss something here????  So, this is what the narcissist reports to me. 

My narcissist is in his 40s.  Most men would have the maturity to see that this woman is nothing but trouble, but to my narcissist, in his own little world, this all makes sense.  Oh, and did I mention, this supposedly brilliant woman does not have a license or a car????  hmmm.   Why would a smart woman, not have a car or her license in this day and age?  Why would an educated woman be working minimum wage making t-shirts?

I share this story, because my narcissist acts and thinks like he is a teenager or at best in his 20s.  His sense of logic does not bode that of someone in their 40s.  Having been removed from the situation, I see just how immature, rash, illogical, my narcissist is.  When  you are in the situation, living it- you don't see what is so obvious to the outside observer. 

It took a long time to try to deal with this person like a business associate.  I do the best I can to try to extract my emotions from the situation and think through my interaction with him with logic and reason.  When I think through his actions logically, I see just how ludicrous it all really is and was.  Sometimes it makes me chuckle, other times I shed some tears at the wasted years in trying to make sense out of something that never did. 

Stay Calm- Easier said than done

My lawyer is on my speed dial.... my narcissist can't behave himself and can't play by anyone else's rules but his own.  I made the mistake of letting this person get under my skin this weekend.  Kids were supposed to fly to see me at a "mutually agreed upon airport".  He has them flying into an airport four hours away.  He emails me the itinerary late friday afternoon for me to review and then proceeds to book them the early the next day- knowing full well I have not had the chance to check my emails.  UGHHHHHHH!!!!  Not only did I email this person a week before which airport was closest to me, but this is completely against the divorce decree.  I let him under my skin and when I found out, I let it ruin a good portion of my weekend.  And to add fuel to the fire, I engaged in wasted back and forth emails with this person... after calming down, I informed him that he needs to change the itinerary or I will be filing a contempt of court motion and requesting he pay lawyer fees and additional lodging and fuel fees. 

Why do I share this story?  I share it to show that a narcissist never stops... they love drama.  They love to provoke you by making drama.  When I showed him my anger and displeasure at what he did, he thrived on it and it is like feeding a ferocious animal... The more you feed their need for drama and chaos, the harder and nastier they keep coming back.  The best solution would have been to ignore the situation and let my lawyer handle it on Monday.  By starving the narcissist by not giving him the attention he so craves from me, I would have starved his ego and weakened his sense of empowerment. 

Trying to arguing with a delusional narcissist is futile.  They lack direction and do not operate in reality... once you get them started they will start spewing out garbage that doesn't even pertain to what the original argument was.  Mine starts to throw out all sorts of false allegations... he always seems to think... "well, what I did was okay, because whatever I "think" you did is way worse; therefore, I am completely in the right".... hello Mr. Delusional and your delusional logic. 

During the moments, when I don't let my emotions get the best of me and I just completely ignore him, I get the best results... I preserve my dignity, sanity, and sense of peace.  The narcissist hates to be ignored.  He will continue to try to escalate the situation and get under your skin.  When you ignore the narcissist, you are no longer their outlet... they have to find another outlet.  If they continue to escalate the situation, others will start seeing the lunacy.  My narcissist is only so good at hiding his true colors.  If I engage him, I am alone in dealing and experiencing the insanity.  If I don't engage him, he will start ranting and raving to anyone who will listen to him... eventually they will figure out that his stories, insinuations, and allegations are all delusions created by a fantastic narcissist. 

Learning to Vent--- the right way!

My ex would often lash out at me by making false allegations and by saying nasty, horrible lies to everyone we knew.  It was often very embarrassing.  When I used to live in a small town where you could not go out to eat, get groceries or go to the movies without running into someone you knew, I would often get nasty looks from his co-workers or friends.  My integrity and reputation were important to me and I would often dread going out in town.  Early on, I used to also think it was important to let everyone hear my side of the story... because I wanted to set the record straight... It took me a long time to realize that these people had already formulated their misguided opinions and that venting just gave them more ill-conversation to share with my ex.  The narcissist is a fantastic, professional liar.  He never had any remorse for the lies he spread--- he always felts he was justified that in this person's crazy reality- even though none of what he spewed out was true, it might as well be because the stories he spread "could" be true in crazy guy's world. 

When people would often ask me why I made the choices I did to get away from this person, I would share my story in great detail... Those who never experienced the narcissist to the extent that I did, never could quite grasp what I went through.  Some of the things I had experienced, were like a Lifetime Movie storyline.  It was rather just hard to fathom for the person fortunate enough to have never experienced the Narcissist.

I have three wonderful people in my life whom I can vent without judgment because they fully understand what I am going through.  It took me years to figure out that these are the only people I can truly share the horrors I have been through.  These women have all lived through similar situations... they understand that when my ex acts up that I start having panic attacks for fear of what he might do next.  They guide me through situations based on their experiences and help me to deal with this person.  Furthermore, they always reiterate to me without hesitation... "when he acts up again, call me".  How comforting to know that I have people in my life who want me to call them when he strikes again.  In an odd way, I am also comforted that these people understand that he will harass me again and that they are there for me to vent my frustrations, pains, and anger.

 Aside from finding these wonderful people, I learned the hard way that the best revenge with a narcissist, is no revenge.  This was such a hard lesson for me and I still struggle with it today.  I learned that fighting a narcissist is a never ending battle because they have an endless amount of energy and will go to lengths that you never dreamed of to hurt you.  I tried for years to keep pace with this crazy guy and would fail so miserably each time... The reason being- I had a conscious and I had limits. 

When I just ignored this person- magically, he did not have me as his personal punching bag anymore... I took that power away from him.  How empowering and liberating that was!  And would you believe, his craziness manifested in other ways... it came out in his work and personal relationships... Years later, some of the same people who once judged me, experienced the same lunatic behavior from him... they later told me they didn't understand why I moved thousands of miles years ago, but having dealt with him, they are starting to understand.  Some of his old friends from twenty years ago... are now just friends with me.  By staying calm, quiet and letting the situation play out... I am regaining my life, my sanity, and peace of mind. 

The narcissist needs an outlet... my advice... don't let the outlet be YOU.  Don't empower this crazy person and don't engage in wasted conversation about your situation with people just don't understand.  You will find the person in your life who understands and who wants to help you because they have been there.  And finally, let this person fall on his own sword... don't make it your mission to set things right.  You will lose so much of yourself in going down this path.  Life is too short... it really is... enjoy YOUR life and not the life the narcissist thinks you deserve.  Once you get your freedom from this person, don't let them weasel their way back. 

Why am I doing this????

I graduated from one of the most prestigious schools, got my bachelors and masters in engineering, had a promising career, and had wonderful, beautiful children.  By all accounts and appearances, it would have appeared for a long time that I had a great, picturesque life, but underneath it all, I was married to someone who was diagnosed as being narcissistic. 

My nightmare started almost immediately after I married this person who was Jekyl and Hyde.  I want to share my experiences and to let you know what I had to sacrifice and do to get away from this person.  My journey still continues as I am still working to fully recover from experiencing this person in my life.  I don't think anyone ever really recovers from dealing with such a monster. 

There will be many people who will not understand what I have experienced and the choices I have made because they have never experienced the true Narcissist.  For those people, I say be grateful that you have never encountered such an experience.  For those of us who have experienced living with a narcissist, I want to tell you that I understand completely what you are or have gone through.  You are not alone and it is not YOU.  In this case, it really is this unrelentless, vile person who will torment you without boundaries.  There is no reasoning with someone who is narcissistic.  They have a view of life that is so far from reality that you end up shaking your head in disbelief and questioning if what you had experienced really did happen the way you remember it. 

My goal is to write about my experiences, share what I have learned, and hopefully help someone deal with and free themselves from their narcissist.  My secondary goal, is to let all so much I have held in for years and quietly suffered.  I do this as a means to continue to heal.