Narcissist #2

I haven't written on my blog for quite some time.  After a short summer with the kids, life is just moving along.  I am happy to report that I am remarried and the difference between a relationship with a narcissist and a non-narcissist is heavenly bliss.  No longer do I find myself second guess myself- which from the outside must sound a bit strange.  But for those of us who have had the misfortune of the narcissist, we know that thinking less of yourself when you are with that someone is just part of the norm. 

Amazingly a blast from my past came rushing in a few weeks ago.  My ex-husband was not the only relationship I have had to contend with.  I have experienced three horrific, happiness draining relationship with 3 of these monsters.  Finally, after the last one, I had to admit that it was something about my personality that just kept ending up in the same place--- I will write the revelations I have had in regards to this subject in a future blog.

So, narcissist number two- I don't know why, but recently as I was reflecting on some of my past relationships, I was thinking about this particular evil-doer.  Curiosity led to finding him on facebook and seeing that he was remarried.  I guess I couldn't stop there, because this person was just incapable of having a good relationship.  So, as my curiosity grew, I felt that somehow maybe I was wrong and maybe it was really just me... that little voice in my head- the one that is always blaming myself, came rearing its ugly head the other day.  So, I look further into the situation to find out that he had cheated on his wife and that they are going through a divorce.  Wow- some people never change.  In the midst of all this, my heart just pours out to this woman because I could just imagine what she must be going through.  So, I contact her... I was fearful of how this woman would react because I am sure that my ex- only had nasty things to spew out about me.  But then a miracle- she is happy to hear from me and we exchange stories and I am quite dumbfounded by what happens next.

She tells me that he has been telling her that he was in the Army... WHAT!!!  This person was never in the Army because he had epilepsy.  I was the one in the Army, but it gets even better.  To continue on with this charade, he makes up wild stories and even gets a tattoo indicating that he was in the Army.  He took tidbits of people in my unit, took their names and incorporated them into his lies, his facade, his grand DELUSION!  He goes around telling people that the scars on his back are from shrapnel.  Having lost a few friends to the recent wars, I am literally disgusted, but not too surprised.  I am a little taken aback to the extent his lies have grown.  To top it all off, he took my uniforms, and acted like they were his from his "time" in the Army. 

Absolutely no boundaries, and no regard for the men and women who have sacrificed to rightfully wear their uniforms.  To top it all off, he tells a judge that he was in the Army- perjuring himself.  Absolutely no boundaries, no respect for the law, no respect for anyone- like all true narcissists, it is about me, myself and I.

I am glad I reached out to this woman.  She is a brilliant woman with a Ph'd and has been an educator for over 20 years.  I am willing to help her... he tried to bankrupt me, ruin my career, tried to disgrace me - and to hear he is still doing the same things to his victims- just makes me sick to my stomach.  She too has had to face financial, professional and personal difficulties because of the narcissist.  Unfortunately there is a child involved and as if the child is a status symbol, the child is placed smack dab in the middle of the lies, the insanity. 

How far will the narcissist go to continue their facade?  What will happen when this narcissist's lies and pretenses come to light.  How far will he go to keep his secrets?  The outcome, the answer, scares me to think about it. 

Victim Defendants

Narcissists have this uncanny gift of being able to completely turn off their emotions when they deem the situation warrants it.  As I was training to become a volunteer at our local domestic violence organization, I was caught off guard when they talked about "victim defendants".  It wasn't because I didn't believe that there could be such a thing, but because I was one... and it struck me that this organization recognized it.  Where I moved from- they didn't care about the history of the relationship, but what had happened in the moment... so I am about to share a story that is both hard, embarrassing, and brings lots of sadness.

It all started with my ex pretending to make fake phone calls to our neighbors... He would say on the phone that "I was crazy and that I was abusing them" after one of our many loud arguments.  What he would do would press the button for the phone locator- which sounded a lot like a phone ring to pretend that the neighbors were calling our house out of "concern".  I would call him on his bluff, tell him that I knew the difference in the ring tone and that I knew for a fact that the neighbors did not have our phone numbers.  He would just hurl another childish insult.

Flash forward a few years, and I am now pregnant with twins.  My ex was a miserable ass the entire time we were pregnant.  He would pick fights just to pick fights with me.  I never had a moment of peace.  One night he pushed me down to the ground and because of his bizarre behavior for weeks, I called the police out of fear the situation would escalate.  Before the police came, he actually went outside and threw water on himself.  When the police arrived, he "calmly" told them that I had started the fight and that I had provoked him by throwing water on him.  I was completely dumbfounded and the police told me that unless I had marks on me that there was nothing they could do.  He stood there and heard all of this.  So the next day, he picks another fight with me, and at that point, I told him I was leaving him... his first response was that he was going to kill himself.  I told him "go ahead and do us all a favor".  I know that sounds heartless, but this wasn't the first time that he said he would "kill himself" in the middle of an argument if I didn't comply with his outlandish needs.  That morning, during our argument, he had thrown away my college diplomas, awards, pictures, etc in the trash.  This man just could not argue like a normal adult.  He would act in bizarre ways.  For weeks he had been following me around with a video camera as soon as I got home.  It was just relentless. 

I just needed to get away from him and go to work.  So I took my daughter to school- he calmly watched me put her in the car and drive off.  I realized after I dropped her off that I forgot my purse, so I begrudgingly headed back home.  As I drove up to my car, I noticed a sheriff's car.  He had actually hit himself in the face, trying to get me arrested... now just to recap the situation, I am about five months pregnant with twins and he had heard the night before that there had to be a mark on me for the police to take action.  I became completely hysterical... and yet, very eerily he remained calm.  I showed them all the things of mine that he had been throwing away and I told them that he calmly watched me put my daughter in the car and drive away.  I still remember asking them, "If I am so violent as he claims, why would he watch me drive away with my daughter.  If the roles were reversed, I would block the car and keep him from taking my daughter."  Luckily that day, the deputies that they sent out were reasonable and realized that his story was full of holes... and yet he insisted on writing a victim's statement "for record".  They thought it was bizarre that he insisted on trying to actually get his pregnant wife arrested.

For years, he followed me with a camera to try to bait me into a fight, to try to frame me.  He actually followed me around with a camera and caused me so much stress that my water broke.  Instead of putting down his camera, he video taped me drive away.  He then proceeded to call the sheriff's department and child protective services... stating that I was endangering our unborn children by recklessly driving away with my water broken. 

Child protective services and the sheriff's department were always knocking on my door because he would use them as just more pawns to feed his narcissism. 



I fought with this system for years- the courts, child protective services, etc.  They refused to look at what brought the relationship to this point.  Women unfortunately, often become victim defendants... so we get abused twice- once by our perpetrators and again by a flawed system.  My ex became quite the master of manipulating the system.  He used the system to make false complaints against day care ladies that stood up for me willing to testify.  He used the system to make false complaints against teachers and schools that did not comply with his ego.  They too were victims. 

My children also became victims of the system.

When I finally decided to leave him, he tried his usual pattern of trying to completely make my life chaotic and use the system against me.  I refused to give him that luxury.  I showed him no emotion and on the phone, I said what I needed to and would hang up.  I slowly got rid of as many ways as he could control me with.  But that wasn't enough, I had to physically move away from him.  I knew if I stayed, he would just try to escalate the situation and would continue to harass me.  This person has shown up at my work trying to get my fired in the past.  I just could not let him turn my life upside down anymore.  So, I left the state.  I tried desperately to leave with my children and fought for over two years to try to get my children back with me... but again the system failed me.  They refused to look at the entire situation.  They completely ignored the fact that he was diagnosed as being a narcissist by a well-respected psychiatrist.  All the judge saw was that I moved away and all she could see was that I left the kids behind. 

I am happy to see that where I have moved to, there are agencies, law enforcement and legal personnel that recognize that victims often get tangled up as defendants... because they fight back or because they just have had enough and snap.  The local domestic violence agency actually goes out to the jails, to try to find these victim defendants.  I wish these people were in the state that I was in when I was going through the chaos. 

There were people here and there that recognized him for who he was... the guardian ad litem appointed by the court, some of his co-workers, and some of the social workers... unfortunately they were out-ruled by their supervisors.  What struck all of them as odd was how "calm" he remained and how he wanted me to get in trouble and suffer.  These are not the behavior of a normal person.  Normal people do not want their spouses to get in trouble and suffer for things they did not do... normal people do not act calm after a heated argument when the police arrive. 

Physical Ailments

When I was in my 20s, my doctors would always comment on how healthy I was.  My cholesterol and blood pressure levels were always low,  I had no complaints or ailments.  Flash forward ten years, a tumultuous relationship with a narcissist and it is a completely different story.  My HDL levels were low, my blood pressure is high, and I have thyroid issues.  I realize that as I was just trying to survive the daily grind, trauma and drama of my narcissist, I forgot to take care of myself physically.  I completely neglected my own health because I was too busy and too frantic dealing with the latest crisis that the monster would ensue upon me. 

Growing up I was a competitive swimmer for nearly eighteen years.  I ate a properly balanced meal, worked out two to four hours a day, made sure I got enough sleep and took all sorts of vitamins and supplements.  I continued this ritual until I was thrown into a whirlwind.  I often wonder to myself if I suffer from declining health, how does the narcissist not feel these same effects.  the only logical conclusion that I can come to, is that even though they hurl all sorts of drama at you, they themselves do not react the same to the same kind o f stressors.  I think it is because they are completely wired differently.  When someone lacks empathy, they obviously just don't care.  Life is just one big game to them in which they must destroy and conquer.  To those of us who are normal in our thinking, life isn't a game.  We feel the pain, the anger, the hurt... and so does our bodies. 

Today, I am happy to report that I am going to a chiropractor, acupuncturist, taking my vitamins, exercising and eating much healthier foods.  I hold a lot of stress in my neck, shoulders and stomach... I want to release this stress... it almost feels ritualistic... as if I am working on releasing my narcissist from the grip he held on me.  I can't completely erase the damage that my narcissist did on my body- on top of just plain getting older.  The best that I can do is to try to mitigate the extent of the damage.  I think that is something that we all need to come to grips with as survivors- not just in regards to our physical health, but also with our mental and emotional well being. 

My World of Denial

Epiphanies---- you will have moments where you go "A-Ha!"... my therapist once told me that.  On the journey to finding those treasured "a Ha!" moments, I went through a lot of denial.  Denial that I could really be with someone who could truly be soulless.  Why do we deny, deny, deny what is so apparent to everyone else?  Blinded by our emotions, unable to think through what is really happening with logic and reason.  Sometimes when I share my story with someone, they just shake their head in disbelief that I could be duped in such a manner.  "How could you possibly not see what was happening?" 

I don't have the exact reason or science to this.  It just is what it is.  I kept telling myself that surely this person will see how illogical and insane his actions are and will change.  I told myself this over and over and kept going back for more and more abuse.  In hindsight, I was the one who was illogical... yes, ME.  I kept going back to an irreparable, stoic, cruel situation.  At some point, I have to take some responbility for what unfolded.  No, I didn't deserve his cruelty, but I could have walked away years ago and saved myself years of torment. 

So here I am today, in a much better place.  Out of fear and panic of repeating my mistakes, I have gone to the other extreme- I refuse to accept things just for what they are... I tend to assume the worst is going to happen in my new relationship and yet it never comes to fruition.  So, I am a little angry sometimes that because of this one crazy person, I have become a bit jaded.  It is a constant struggle in which I have to tell myself that who I am with is not that crazy guy. 

So, I don't want to be the victim again, but I struggle to find the perfect middle ground.  Logic and reason sometimes just goes out the door because I have had to deal with such an evil, manipulative person.  So, what the lesson here... I just don't know.  I guess for starters, if you think you are with a narcissist- research what a narcissist is and look for the signs.  Once the math adds up, run like hell.  Second, once you are ready to start, be careful not to let the narcissist interfere your new life by filling your head with paranoid, untrusting thoughts.

Learning to deal with things as they are, right now and not letting the past influence my present life... what a struggle this has become at times.

*roll of the eyes*

I am spending the summer with my kids.  It's hard not to see them all the time.  It was the price I had to pay to get away from crazy guy, but I knew in my heart that this too would only be temporary.  Even they would eventually see the lunacy of his behavior. 

As I was unpacking my oldest daughter's bag, I asked her why this time there were no vitamins packed... vitamins- one of the last resorts of the control freak.  The last few times he would send a pack of vitamins on send illicit details on how to give it to the kids- which I complied without saying a word- just merely a roll of the eyes because I knew it was to get a rise out of me.  Since he got none, I guess he just moved on to other ways of trying to keep control over me.  Her answer to me was that dad did not pack the vitamins because I would just "throw them away".  I asked her quite plainly- "have you ever seen me throw away your vitamins?"  In which she replied, no.  As I turned and rolled my eyes again. 

What the narcissist doesn't realize in his delusional world that in trying to be the favored parent by making up insinuations and lies, he is trying just over time slowly revealing his true nature.  Because even for his children, he cannot but show his true nature.  He just simply cannot help himself.  Even they will be able to see through the lies as they get older. 

I've learned to just not play into his sophomoric chicanery.  I just "roll my eyes".  By being above his tactics of deception and lies, over time it becomes evident who the true victim and who the true liar is.  I just laugh at his idiotic lame attempts at trying to make me into something I am not.  Because in reality- he is scared.  Scared that the kids will have a fantastic time with me and that when they are old enough they will be able to tell the judge that they prefer to live with mom.  It's his fear that turns him into this ugly, pathetic person.  He doesn't know how to behave through the fear in rational terms- so he resorts to deception, lies, and manipulation. 

This resonates throughout every aspect of his life... scared that he will become insignificant at work- therefore he bolsters himself with fantastic accomplishments.  Scared of getting old, therefore he becomes a shallow, vain shell of a being.  Scared the others would learn the truth about them, therefore, therefore they aim to surround themselves with people they are secretly jealous of and want to be. 

What a sad way to live a life.  How tiring it must be to be so consummed with appearances or scared of their own shadows.  Well to that, I roll my eyes, I stay quiet and live the best life, and I say "boo"- scared of me yet?  because you should be.  I am not one of those people you will manipulate any longer.  You know that I know the truth about you.  You also know that I see right through you for the hollow person you really are.  But best of all, you know you won't get away with the lies and deception with me anymore.

In This Case- Throw out all reasoning and start from there

Anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist will know that trying to reason and compromise with a narcissist is a futile exercise leading only to mental torment.  For years and years I tried desperately to try to reason with this person- to try to get them to see how insane his behavior was.  This only exasperated the situation and gave fuel and energy for him to keep going.  If I tried to reason with him, he would excalate it to the next level to try to "teach me a lesson" for my insolence. 

After the first few years of trying to reason with him, I then resorted to completely shutting down.  This too was a losing strategy on my part.  When I would not give him the satisfaction of reacting to his temptuous  behavior, he would again escalate it to the next level.  I want to share one episode of dealing with my narcissist:

I told my ex that I did not want two large dogs in the house when my twins were born for sanitary reasons.  I asked him to make the dogs outside dogs.  Now mind you- one dog was an 80 lb boxer and the other dog was a 150 lb mutt of some sort.... these were not frail little dogs.  These dogs shed a lot and it was hard to maintain a clean home.  Well, that just opened up a can of worms... his response "I would rather have you leave then my two dogs that I have had before I even met you".  I didn't want to argue with him anymore, so I decided to move into the guest room to avoid any conflict given that I was pregnant.  During the week, to try to extract a response out of me, he threw all my clothes into the guest room and as if that wasn't enough, he went outside, got dirt and threw it all over my clothes.  When that didn't work, he had my oldest daughter come into the room while I was lying down and had her call me a "piggy".  Now mind you I was several months pregnant- so I was not slim at the moment.  When these tactics did not work, he resorted to putting dirty dishes in the room I was staying in, throwing away awards and memorablia from my college years, following me around with a video camera.... During the week, going to work was my only sanctuary.  I talked to my boss about possibly transferring after my twins were born.  He said he would make it happen when I was ready. 
One morning, I had finally had it with him messing with my stuff.  I got so angry, I started throwing his clothes in the garage.  He calmly said, "we need to stop this..." WE.... all week it had been just him, egging me on and when I finally got angry... it was "we".  I just looked at him and told him that I already to talked to my boss and when the kids are born, I plan to leave him.  He had a look about him that I can't describe, but his response was that he had no one and that if I left him that he would probably kill himself... such an odd response from someone who just kept escalating the situation day after day.  I was so angry at this point, that I just told him to go ahead and that it would make us all alot happier... I regret saying this out of anger, but after a week of torment, being pregnant, I just have had it with his behavior.
He calmly watched me get my daughter ready for school, put her in the car, and drive away.  When I got to my daughter's school, I realized I had forgotten my badge for work.  I went back home to get it and would you believe, in less than fifteen minutes, the sherriff's department was at my house.  I went in to discover that he had hit himself in the face- yes he had hit himself... and then told the cops that I had done it... mind you that I am five months pregnant with twins- a high risk pregnancy to begin with.  My reaction was that I starting yelling at him... while surprisingly he remained quite calm...
When the deputies finally calmed me down, I told them my story... I also showed them all the awards that he had thrown away in the garbage.  When they saw that I had things in there from over ten years ago, they began to question his story.  Also seeing how I was pregnant, they starting to question what really happened.   When they told him that they did not believe his story, he INSISTED on writing a VICTIM's statement, so they could forward it to the state attorney's office... nothing became of his "victim's" statement... I should have left him then, but I thought over time he would realize that what he did was wrong and never do anything like this again... I wish I could say that I was right, but this was really just the beginning of more of this behavior. 

There are a few things I want to point out about this whole situation- first of all, most normal people would not remain calm if their spouse had really hit them.  But this is the way of the narcissist.  They keep probing and egging you on, until they break your line of sanity.  And when you do, they miraculously all of a sudden become the victim, they become the one who has to deal with your "crazy" behavior.  Do your remember the incident where Mel Gibson's ex taped a conversation with him in which he was yelling, almost in tears, and just "losing" it... what struck me as odd about the whole situation was how "calm" the women was.  No one knows for sure what transpired between the two of them, but it did always make me wonder how one party could remain so calm while the other person is obviously distraught. 

The narcissist has no limits.  They justify their behavior in their mind... in this case, I never got a full apology from my ex.  He would always say, "you made me act that way".  Hindsight is always 20/20... I just laugh now whenever he says such stuff... I wish my response back then was, "Really?  I really have that much power over you... geez, I wish I knew that back then". 

Finally, I just want to say that there was no reasoning with my ex.  Unless, I did exactly what he deemed as appropriate behavior, he was going to continue to "teach me a lesson".  I love how narcissists are the great all knowing "teachers" and that they should be both judge and jury.  It's almost like a God-complex.  How dare I question the "Great Narcissist".  In his own little fantasy, he was all knowing, all perfect, therefore, I should comply with all his demands.  If I should ever object, in his infinite wisdom, he must exact a punishment only he can deem fitting.  Okay- crazy guy, have fun.  I won't be a part of it anymore and I will take away all means of you ever hurting me again. 

My lift is my life.  I made a promise to myself that I will never again take this kind of abuse and that if I see any signs of someone being a Narcissist, I will not walk, I will run and stay clear of this person's path.  

Learning to Choose What I Want

In my 20s, I had opinions- however screwed up they were, they were my opinions... somehow in the midst of dealing with my narcissist, I lost my voice.  I gave up trying to explain my desires, wants, opinions... because it was just easier to sit their quietly.  It was too tiring to argue with him.

Since, I have fled from my narcissist, I have been trying to figure out what my likes and dislikes are in so many areas.  In a lot of ways I forgot what it really meant to get what I want... I am still working on getting out that little voice in my head that constantly tells me that I am not good enough, that my choices are horrible and that it just doesn't matter. 

I am in the midst of buying my own home... yeah!!!  Finally!!!!  When I was with my narcissist, every home was what he wanted.  They were all fixer uppers--- because he had convinced himself that he was a master at everything- plumbing, tiling, carpentry... except all of his work was less than par.  This made me dread going home... to see the tile work not lined up evenly, to see the plumbing done not to code, to see paint splattered in odd places like the ceiling and the door frames.  Yet after a long time, I just gave up saying anything.  It was too tiring to argue with a person who thought he was the grand master and all so perfect.  Pointing out flaws in his work was just unacceptable in his kingdom of hell.  His argument to me was that I couldn't do any better so such the F*** up. 

So, now as I buy my new house... I am revelling in looking through endless decorating magazines, looking through houses for sale... and I am taking my time.  I want to make sure that I buy what I want and not what that little voice in my head tells me to buy.  I love dealing with the realtor by myself and telling him exactly what I want.  What a refreshing feeling to take my sweet time, figure out what I want, and to buy what I want. 

This exercise of figuring out what I want and getting what I want has been abundant in all aspects of my life... clothes, food, entertainment.  Not only has this improved my self esteem. but amazingly I have peeled away the sour look on my face that I used to carry and peeled away the layers of frumpiness.  To hear my friends tell me that I look like I peeled away ten years of my life inspires me to keep having fun and keep making my own decisions.  It has also taught me that I can make good decisions on my own without the Narcissist around... and that all the things he said were just nonsense.