The Pathetic Coward

Now that I see the narcissist for what he really is... I often find myself saying things like, "what an idiot", "whatever", "dork", "get a life"... it's amazing all the stupidity I was blind to when I was with this man. I see now that I have moved on and in a wonderful relationship, just how petty and jealous this man is. What has been the most inspirational these last few years, is that I have debunked all the nasty insults he used to throw at me. His favorite was to tell me that 'no man will touch you with a ten foot pole'. I am happy to report that I am in a loving relationship with a man who completely adores me. For the first time in my life, I feel completely loved and cherished- the way love is supposed to feel and be. This irks the narcissist more than anything- to see me in a successful relationship. Why? Because he just cannot stand to see me happy. Everything to him is kept on a scorecard that only resides in his own mind and only makes sense to the narcissist. The happier I am, the more he ups his game to harass and irritate me. Because misery loves company and he wants me to join in his misery. I have the kids during the summer and I blessed to be surrounded by loving friends and families. We have a plethora of events and fun activities for them. Even his own kids' happiness makes him miserable. He takes little jabs at me and my friends to try to be a nuisance all summer. It amazes me the number of emails he writes while they are with me. When they are with me, 3000 miles away, he loses what he prizes most of all- CONTROL. So, for him, his harassing emails and phone calls are just a means to try to get back this control. But I refuse- I refuse to give this buffoon anymore control. He will not have control over my happiness and he will not have control of our summers together. The kids thrive and so many adventures with their friends and family. Unfortunately, this makes the miserable narcissist turn into the deviant, coward. He turns to his old ways of trying to bait me into fights and to try to weasel himself into every situation. When I stand back and look at this, I just see a pathetic coward- instead of enjoying his summer with his new bride, he wallows in his misery, scheming to create drama and chaos in our lives. I have taken away just about every means that he has of ever controlling or hurting me... the only thing left are the kids and even they are not immune to his erratic, nonsense behavior. Cowards are the ones who can never be happy for someone else's happiness or just to let it go. My ex still stalks me on the internet- he sits at his computer for hours trying to gathered information on my in-laws, my friends, my work, anything he can get his hands on. How sad to be consumed with someone else's life. What a waste of life. For me, I channel his negativity into writing these blogs to share with others. I use these lessons learned to try to help others understand.

The Hypocrisy of the Narcissist

It always amazes me how narcissists have such an abundance of energy to tell you how to live your life, as if they are the godsend grand wizard of your life--- the all knowing- know it all.  My ex used to act like I gave a shit about his life after I decided to move 3000 miles to get away from him.  I found it always laughable at his insinuations that I really cared who he was with, what he was up to.  He would try to get on his all mighty high horse as he likes to always do and pontificate his religion of lunacy to me.

So here comes the hypocrisy- all while I could care less about him, he is stalking me all around the internet.  He would go on my then boyfriend's facebook page to scold me on something that he would only know if he went on his facebook page.  He would also spend countless hours reading my yelp reviews and act like he had a Aha! moment.  Sometimes I would right some witty reviews with some clever quips to throw him for a loop... all the while I was laughing to myself because I knew he was reading them.

I used to think I needed to hide my identity in writing my blogs, writing my short stories- to keep things hidden from him.  That may have been true in the initial stages after I escaped the insanity and chaos, but it's been several years since I moved.  So, I don't hide my identity anymore- and why should I... I write the truth, I write from the heart, and I above all else, have a voice- a voice that will share my experiences with this lunatic in the hopes that someone out there will learn and not repeat the same mistakes I did.

Narcissists are always hypocrites...they live by the rule of "do as I say, not as I do."  And let me expound on that notion a little further- they do not have the moral fortitude to be able to measure up to the standards they set forth for everyone else.  And all their shortcomings are some how erased with a flimsy excuse that only makes sense to the narcissists-- only to those who reside in their fantasy la-la land.  For those of us with our feet firmly on planet earth, their reasoning is quite flawed and quite distant from reality.

New Beginnings

I just got back from a wonderful vacation in my hometown- Los Angeles.  The city of Angeles.  I love going back to familiar territory.  The familiar sounds, the sights, the smells.  I especially enjoyed this last trip because I went with my husband.  My husband is wonderful- always encouraging me to go out, have fun, meet friends... all things I cherish.  If you have never been in a relationship with a narcissist you take these things for granted.

When I was with my narcissist, he first started making superficial, vain excuses to not meet with my friends.  At first glance you don't think much of it and rather liken it to an off day that your partner is having.  As the years pass, you realize they aren't excuses.  They are means of keeping you from your past life.

The entire time I was married to this miserable person, I only had one thanksgiving with one of my close friends.  All other holidays, vacations were not shared with any of my friends.  And there in lies, the start of distancing you from your friends, your past- losing more ties to people who can help you when they unleash their destruction on your life.

What I deemed as an innocence from the beginning, could not be further from the truth.  No excuse had any validity as to why I could not see my friends.  When I made new friends, he would find ways to keep me from them.  If I wanted to go out for coffee with a girlfriend, I was being selfish not spending time with my family.  My narcissist would equate me having friends as me being selfish and only caring for myself.  After a few years, the arguments, the attempts as reasoning with insanity, was too much.  I lacked the energy to argue my case.

And then without fail, the narcissist would tell me how much of a loser I am for not having any friends. I could never win with this person.

When I left my narcissist, and moved 3000 miles to get away from him, I reconnected with some dear friends.  True friends are always there for you no matter how far you stray from them!  While on vacation, I visited my childhood friend of 26 years!  Saying that out loud makes me feel my age!

The most wonderful part of this entire trip was sharing my past with my husband... the non-narcissist.  My narcissist used to tell me that LA was a hell hole and that he would never want to visit there... well geesh, asshole never appreciated anything about me to include where I grew up.  And if you don't visit LA with a native, you haven't truly visited LA.  His loss, because on this trip, I realized how much fun it was to live in such a great city.  We visited Universal Studios, LACMA, the La Brea Tarpits, California Science Museum, Santa Barbara, and sooooooo much more.  We also tasted so many wonderful foods that we don't have locally back home.

Narcissists always try to make you feel bad- bad about yourself, your friends, your past- basically every aspect of your life.  They break you down at every opportunity.  I find it quite ludicrous when I look back that my narcissist who grew up in the back woods of Louisiana, would call LA a hell hole.  My narcissist would also criticize something he has never truly tried or truly visited.  Visiting a city and sitting in a hotel is not the same.  You see my narcissist would visit wonderful cities and then lock himself up in his hotel room.  He travelled for work and thought it a bother to venture out.

When you are in a relationship with a narcissist your self esteem is broken by this person's criticisms.  In hindsight, you begin to realize just how much of an ignoramus this person is.  A narcissist is quite gifted at criticizing something he is quite ignorant of.  I think they do this out of fear that people would look down on them for not knowing.  Or perhaps they do it to sound like a know-it-all.

So, I titled this blog post as "new beginnings".  When you finally leave your narcissist and finally are in a normal relationship, you truly have a New Beginning.  With that being said, you take the wisdom from all the hurt, all the destruction, all the chaos and you learn to cherish all the wonderful things a normal relationship brings- and you don't take those things for granted.  

Spending time with my childhood friend was wonderful and I couldn't help but to think that if I was still with my ex, I would never have had the opportunity to visit with her.  Knowing this, I treasured this latest visit even more.

Narcissist #2

I haven't written on my blog for quite some time.  After a short summer with the kids, life is just moving along.  I am happy to report that I am remarried and the difference between a relationship with a narcissist and a non-narcissist is heavenly bliss.  No longer do I find myself second guess myself- which from the outside must sound a bit strange.  But for those of us who have had the misfortune of the narcissist, we know that thinking less of yourself when you are with that someone is just part of the norm. 

Amazingly a blast from my past came rushing in a few weeks ago.  My ex-husband was not the only relationship I have had to contend with.  I have experienced three horrific, happiness draining relationship with 3 of these monsters.  Finally, after the last one, I had to admit that it was something about my personality that just kept ending up in the same place--- I will write the revelations I have had in regards to this subject in a future blog.

So, narcissist number two- I don't know why, but recently as I was reflecting on some of my past relationships, I was thinking about this particular evil-doer.  Curiosity led to finding him on facebook and seeing that he was remarried.  I guess I couldn't stop there, because this person was just incapable of having a good relationship.  So, as my curiosity grew, I felt that somehow maybe I was wrong and maybe it was really just me... that little voice in my head- the one that is always blaming myself, came rearing its ugly head the other day.  So, I look further into the situation to find out that he had cheated on his wife and that they are going through a divorce.  Wow- some people never change.  In the midst of all this, my heart just pours out to this woman because I could just imagine what she must be going through.  So, I contact her... I was fearful of how this woman would react because I am sure that my ex- only had nasty things to spew out about me.  But then a miracle- she is happy to hear from me and we exchange stories and I am quite dumbfounded by what happens next.

She tells me that he has been telling her that he was in the Army... WHAT!!!  This person was never in the Army because he had epilepsy.  I was the one in the Army, but it gets even better.  To continue on with this charade, he makes up wild stories and even gets a tattoo indicating that he was in the Army.  He took tidbits of people in my unit, took their names and incorporated them into his lies, his facade, his grand DELUSION!  He goes around telling people that the scars on his back are from shrapnel.  Having lost a few friends to the recent wars, I am literally disgusted, but not too surprised.  I am a little taken aback to the extent his lies have grown.  To top it all off, he took my uniforms, and acted like they were his from his "time" in the Army. 

Absolutely no boundaries, and no regard for the men and women who have sacrificed to rightfully wear their uniforms.  To top it all off, he tells a judge that he was in the Army- perjuring himself.  Absolutely no boundaries, no respect for the law, no respect for anyone- like all true narcissists, it is about me, myself and I.

I am glad I reached out to this woman.  She is a brilliant woman with a Ph'd and has been an educator for over 20 years.  I am willing to help her... he tried to bankrupt me, ruin my career, tried to disgrace me - and to hear he is still doing the same things to his victims- just makes me sick to my stomach.  She too has had to face financial, professional and personal difficulties because of the narcissist.  Unfortunately there is a child involved and as if the child is a status symbol, the child is placed smack dab in the middle of the lies, the insanity. 

How far will the narcissist go to continue their facade?  What will happen when this narcissist's lies and pretenses come to light.  How far will he go to keep his secrets?  The outcome, the answer, scares me to think about it. 

Crossroads

It's been a while since I posted anything onto my blog.  Yesterday was an interesting day where two new people in my life started asking me personal questions about my kids and why they aren't with me.  Still to this day it is a little difficult to talk about, but I always do my best to put on a good front. 

This post is called "crossroads" because I wanted to write this morning about the crossroads that we endure as victims of narcissists.  Many of us have faced so many injustices from them and we expend so much energy trying to make it right, trying to make others see the truth about them, but for most of us, in the end, we are the ones often left broken, left to pick up the pieces, left exhausted.

I fought for over two years a losing battle with a court system that refused to let me enter a psychological evaluation that showed that he was narcissistic and it plainly stated that he "should never have custody of the children".  They deemed it as being too old.  As most of us well know, that a narcissist never changes.  So, labelling a "narcissist" label as being outdated, is just plain wrong. 

For two years I dealt with a master manipulator, who at every turn would try to turn my life upside down.  In the midst of it, he tried to embezzle over $15K from me.  I had the evidence to show to the court and yet they didn't think it was that big of a deal.  This person managed to turn my life upside down for two months from almost three-thousand miles away, and it isn't a big deal? 

The parent evaluator never talked to the day care workers that he threatened and harassed on a regular basis.  They didn't talk to the teachers he got fired from multiple schools by making up false allegations. 

So after spending over $20,000 in lawyer fees plus travel costs, court costs, parenting evaluation costs, I just said enough is enough.  This was my crossroads.  I decided to save my sanity, go on with my life, and enjoy my time with my kids drama free.  I get them just about every single holiday and we get to go on some fantastic adventures and yes I pay a lot of money in child support, but I saved myself in the long run.  

Being 1000s of miles away, not running into him on a regular basis, not switching the kids around every two weeks, no harassment at my workplace, and new beginnings without the crazy guy lurking in the background. So I traded in a decade of drama, to save my own sanity.  Some could say that I am a horrible mother, that I abandoned my children, but those are the people that know nothing about me.  My children can still opt to live with me when they turn twelve and I get to see them for longer periods of time without dealingw ith my ex.  Leaving them with him during the school year was hard, but staying would have been disastrous.  I could not imagine being back there to have him stalk me on a regular basis again.  This is a person that drove by my work, showed up at work to make a scene, put key loggers on my computer, would have other people follow me around, would do anything to pick a fight with me and then turn right around and make fantastic lies. 

Victims of narcissists all face this crossroad.  Do I stay and fight for what is right, or do I relent and go on with my life?  When one party has an enormous amount of energy at seeking to make your absolutely miserable at any cost, you have to wonder, is it worth it in the end? 

Life goes on.  Life is short.  Wasting more energy on a crazy person is just not worth it to me.  I would rather go on vacation than pay another ridiculous amount of money to the lawyers.  I would rather go on vacation with my kids.  I would rather be happy, content and at peace than to deal with this person anymore.  I look upon my time with my ex with sadness, unhappy thoughts and there are very rare glimpses of fondess that I remember.  The drama began from the beginning and still continues.  But I limit how much it affects me. 

I don't dare give this person anymore of my attention than he deserves.  He doesn't have the privilege of ever seeing any more of my emotions.  In our brief exchanges I remain ever so stoic, and refuse to give this person anymore of myself.  He doesn't deserve me, and I don't deserve to be his punching bag anymore. 

Victim Defendants

Narcissists have this uncanny gift of being able to completely turn off their emotions when they deem the situation warrants it.  As I was training to become a volunteer at our local domestic violence organization, I was caught off guard when they talked about "victim defendants".  It wasn't because I didn't believe that there could be such a thing, but because I was one... and it struck me that this organization recognized it.  Where I moved from- they didn't care about the history of the relationship, but what had happened in the moment... so I am about to share a story that is both hard, embarrassing, and brings lots of sadness.

It all started with my ex pretending to make fake phone calls to our neighbors... He would say on the phone that "I was crazy and that I was abusing them" after one of our many loud arguments.  What he would do would press the button for the phone locator- which sounded a lot like a phone ring to pretend that the neighbors were calling our house out of "concern".  I would call him on his bluff, tell him that I knew the difference in the ring tone and that I knew for a fact that the neighbors did not have our phone numbers.  He would just hurl another childish insult.

Flash forward a few years, and I am now pregnant with twins.  My ex was a miserable ass the entire time we were pregnant.  He would pick fights just to pick fights with me.  I never had a moment of peace.  One night he pushed me down to the ground and because of his bizarre behavior for weeks, I called the police out of fear the situation would escalate.  Before the police came, he actually went outside and threw water on himself.  When the police arrived, he "calmly" told them that I had started the fight and that I had provoked him by throwing water on him.  I was completely dumbfounded and the police told me that unless I had marks on me that there was nothing they could do.  He stood there and heard all of this.  So the next day, he picks another fight with me, and at that point, I told him I was leaving him... his first response was that he was going to kill himself.  I told him "go ahead and do us all a favor".  I know that sounds heartless, but this wasn't the first time that he said he would "kill himself" in the middle of an argument if I didn't comply with his outlandish needs.  That morning, during our argument, he had thrown away my college diplomas, awards, pictures, etc in the trash.  This man just could not argue like a normal adult.  He would act in bizarre ways.  For weeks he had been following me around with a video camera as soon as I got home.  It was just relentless. 

I just needed to get away from him and go to work.  So I took my daughter to school- he calmly watched me put her in the car and drive off.  I realized after I dropped her off that I forgot my purse, so I begrudgingly headed back home.  As I drove up to my car, I noticed a sheriff's car.  He had actually hit himself in the face, trying to get me arrested... now just to recap the situation, I am about five months pregnant with twins and he had heard the night before that there had to be a mark on me for the police to take action.  I became completely hysterical... and yet, very eerily he remained calm.  I showed them all the things of mine that he had been throwing away and I told them that he calmly watched me put my daughter in the car and drive away.  I still remember asking them, "If I am so violent as he claims, why would he watch me drive away with my daughter.  If the roles were reversed, I would block the car and keep him from taking my daughter."  Luckily that day, the deputies that they sent out were reasonable and realized that his story was full of holes... and yet he insisted on writing a victim's statement "for record".  They thought it was bizarre that he insisted on trying to actually get his pregnant wife arrested.

For years, he followed me with a camera to try to bait me into a fight, to try to frame me.  He actually followed me around with a camera and caused me so much stress that my water broke.  Instead of putting down his camera, he video taped me drive away.  He then proceeded to call the sheriff's department and child protective services... stating that I was endangering our unborn children by recklessly driving away with my water broken. 

Child protective services and the sheriff's department were always knocking on my door because he would use them as just more pawns to feed his narcissism. 



I fought with this system for years- the courts, child protective services, etc.  They refused to look at what brought the relationship to this point.  Women unfortunately, often become victim defendants... so we get abused twice- once by our perpetrators and again by a flawed system.  My ex became quite the master of manipulating the system.  He used the system to make false complaints against day care ladies that stood up for me willing to testify.  He used the system to make false complaints against teachers and schools that did not comply with his ego.  They too were victims. 

My children also became victims of the system.

When I finally decided to leave him, he tried his usual pattern of trying to completely make my life chaotic and use the system against me.  I refused to give him that luxury.  I showed him no emotion and on the phone, I said what I needed to and would hang up.  I slowly got rid of as many ways as he could control me with.  But that wasn't enough, I had to physically move away from him.  I knew if I stayed, he would just try to escalate the situation and would continue to harass me.  This person has shown up at my work trying to get my fired in the past.  I just could not let him turn my life upside down anymore.  So, I left the state.  I tried desperately to leave with my children and fought for over two years to try to get my children back with me... but again the system failed me.  They refused to look at the entire situation.  They completely ignored the fact that he was diagnosed as being a narcissist by a well-respected psychiatrist.  All the judge saw was that I moved away and all she could see was that I left the kids behind. 

I am happy to see that where I have moved to, there are agencies, law enforcement and legal personnel that recognize that victims often get tangled up as defendants... because they fight back or because they just have had enough and snap.  The local domestic violence agency actually goes out to the jails, to try to find these victim defendants.  I wish these people were in the state that I was in when I was going through the chaos. 

There were people here and there that recognized him for who he was... the guardian ad litem appointed by the court, some of his co-workers, and some of the social workers... unfortunately they were out-ruled by their supervisors.  What struck all of them as odd was how "calm" he remained and how he wanted me to get in trouble and suffer.  These are not the behavior of a normal person.  Normal people do not want their spouses to get in trouble and suffer for things they did not do... normal people do not act calm after a heated argument when the police arrive. 

I can Learn A Lot From My Dog

My dog is an escape artist.  She got out last week and got into a car accident.  I am forever grateful that the person who hit her did not leave her on the side of the road.  He took her to the vet and we were notified when they ran her microchip.  So last week, we had to make the decision to either try to screw her leg back together and keep her in a cage for months so she could heal or they could amputate her leg.  Knowing her personality, I couldn't picture her doing to well being sedated and immobile in a cage for months.  So, we made the difficult decision to amputate her leg.  I was crushed.  This tiny dog that weighed only seven pounds, and only a year old, would lose a leg!  I was devastated.  She is the most energetic dog I have ever had.  She would drive us nuts with her boundless energy.  I couldn't picture her without a leg and without that boundless energy. 

We picked her up after the surgery and it has only been about five days she has been home.  She is already trying to run around and it is just amazing how quickly she is recovering.  I went on you tube and watched some videos of dogs with only three legs.  In one video, a dog who lost a leg only two weeks before, was already running and playing fetch.  My dog is not quite back to herself, but she is getting there.  Two days after her surgery she was trotting along, wagging her tail. 

This past year has been difficult.  My divorce was finalized after two years and it has been hard for me to come to terms that I don't get to see my kids all the time.  It has also been difficult to watch them transform by the influence of the narcissist and it scares me to think that they too might be just like him.  My friends have termed as a "worry wort".  Yes, I worry about things that I have no control over.  It drags me down and makes it hard for me to live my life. 

So I have been watching my dog- and she doesn't mope for her missing leg, all depressed.  I have been watching her adapt to what she does have- three perfectly healthy legs.  This morning I had the fortune of hearing the highest ranking surviving fire fighter give a very heartfelt emotional speech.  And in the end, I thought it was poignant and so relevant to all of us to be grateful for what we have.  I posted a link from youtube that shows him giving a speech. 

When I was with my narcissist, I was and still am constantly grieving for the lost time, spent emotions, lost opportunities and I just get so sad.  So sad about everything the narcissist took away from me in the past.  So bitter at times that I forget to fully enjoy the life that I have now at this very moment.  I have a great job, great boss, great guy, great house and obviously a great dog.  Between watching my dog this week and hearing the speech of Richard Piccoto, I have been reminded that I need appreciate and enjoy what I have.  On another note, I think my experience with the narcissist has also put in to perspective how much worse things can get.  I will never forget all the hell this man put me through, but it is time to put it towards the good things in life.  This week, I have applied to volunteer at a local domestic violence shelter for women.  I could mope and grieve for what he did, or I could take what I learned and put it to good use. 

So I want to encourage those of you reading this, to do something positive from your experience with the narcissist.  Help another woman get out of a bad situation, share your experience and hopefully someone else will get out of bad relationship because it is like the experience of my dog, it isn't about the limb she lost, but about the three healthy legs that she has learned to adapt with.