When I was with my narcissist, I always expected the worst... there were moments of happiness, but as the years passed they became few and far between... and even the moments when I should have been happy, I knew the storm was just over the horizon. So I could never truly be happy. It was hard to enjoy life knowing that inevitably, the narcissist would transform into Jekyl.
It's been over two years since I have resided in the same state as my ex. Even now though the scars he has left on my soul torment me. It's hard to enjoy life all the time because sometimes I still think the worst is yet to come. But over time, it's these moments of self doubt that have become few and far between. The reversal has been a slow transformation. It's the undoing of the shackles that bind us with our narcissist.
Sometimes it makes me so angry I allowed this person to manipulate me to the point where I lost myself over a decade of anguish, heartache, and misery. Sometimes I just want to get back at him anyway I can- even though I know that I get the best results by not doing anything and letting them come to their own demise. And then there are the brilliant moments when I am able to enjoy life, look at what unfolds, and just chuckle to myself and think "what an idiot".
I sometimes wonder how my boyfriend puts up with me. I can be the most negative person in the world at times. Thank goodness that he is restoring my faith in the male species! I wonder if we have to suffer sometimes to really make us cherish and treasure the good people in our lives. Throughout my ordeals I have learned - sometimes quite painfully- that some people are just not good for me and that they must be weeded out. I have lost so many "so called" good friends because they just couldn't stand the drama invoked by the narcissist, but in reality, are these people really all that good of friends? The sad thing about the whole situation is that unless someone has truly dealt with the full spectrum of the narcissist, they can not understand what you could possibly going through. They just can't fathom that it really can be just that bad. When you relay to the person who just cannot emphatize with the outlandish narcissist stories, they just listen in disbelief... disbelief that anything that insane could really happen- but it does to thousands and thousands of people and unfortunately most of the victims are women.
Why is it that most victims are women- is it because we tend to forgive and we want to fix things? I don't know the real reason. I know for me I always wanted to believe that the narcissist would realize the lunacy of his actions, learn and mature over time, but we all know that that will never happen.
How is it that the narcissist cannot see what is so plainly and painfully obvious to the rest of the world?
But I digress, today is another day. It is sometimes sad and humurous that at times I have to say to myself "don't expect the worst. You are not there anymore, you are here!"
About Me
- Soyon
- I graduated from one of the most prestigious schools, got my bachelors and masters in engineering, had a promising career, and had wonderful, beautiful children. By all accounts and appearances, it would have appeared for a long time that I had a great, picturesque life, but underneath it all, I was married to someone who was diagnosed as being narcissistic. My nightmare started almost immediately after I married this person who was Jekyl and Hyde. I want to share my experiences and to let you know what I had to sacrifice and do to get away from this person. My journey still continues as I am still working to fully recover from experiencing this person in my life. I don't think anyone ever really recovers from dealing with such a monster.
Hi Leslie: I like your post. I can identify with a lot that you wrote especially about wanting to get back at my ex-boyfriend of 3 yrs who was also a Narcissist. Why do I feel so much hate for him? I want so much to hurt him like he hurt me. But I don't. I have to say initially I did. I emailed his new girlfriend whom he met just a few weeks after we broke up. I emailed her and told her he was an abusive man and exhibitionist and that he had actually exposed his penis to teenage girls (that was the reason I broke up with him). She still continued to date him and even told everyone I was a nut case. I finally emailed her back and said she must enjoy having sex with a pedophile. Eventually she found some way to break up with him. That was my way at getting back at him. Why do we hurt so much? I have finally let go of trying to get back at him and hurt him. I have learned that really indifference is the thing that really gets to them. They don't care if we profess to love them or hate them - they love getting a reaction out of us - it validates them b/c they are empty inside. So now every time I am tempted to hurt him in anyway I remind myself of this. I broke up with my Narcissist in Oct last year and still have waves of grief and emotions. Some days are better than others. I thank you for your blog and willingness to share your journey with others and in the process educate others of what we go through. Hopefully one day our pain won't be in vain. God Bless - I look forward to more of your posts when you have time. I hope one day to find a new boyfriend. I miss very much having a relationship and loving someone and having them TRULY love me back - not USE me like the Narcissist did. Your fb friend
ReplyDeleteIt really is hard isn't it??? sometimes I get angry when I think about everything that he gets away with and the lies that people believe about him. I want to scream to the world the truth about this horrible person. But just like his last girlfriend, when you start saying these things you come across as the nutty one! I want so long to prove to people what was really going on, but when I did I always came across as the nuttier person. I had to learn the hard way to keep my mouth shut, live a good and happy life. People are more convinced by actions then words. It is just a matter of time when our narcissists will show their true colors. And when you do, people will see you for the person you are- the victim, the strong one, the more virtuous person.
ReplyDeleteYou will find someone awesome as I did... remember you deserve the best and nothing less. Put it out there to the world and say to yourself- I deserve the best kind of love.
Its hard for me because when I leave him is when he actually treats me right. He sends me flowers tells me everything that I want to hear and sounds like a real stand up man. He takes ownership for what he has done and promises to be a more Godly man. But without fail every time I go back the honeymoon lasts only a couple of days maybe a week and then we are right back to where we were. It is so exhausting. I moved to another state and was foolish enough to give him my new number so he calls, texts and emails me a lot. Making promises of changing and I know thru God he can, with God all things are possible, but he has to truly and completely let God take control, and I just don't think that he can do that. I love him so much and I really wish that we can work thru this but I am so emotionally exhausted and drained and don't think I can go thru these roller coasters anymore.
ReplyDeleteI understand where you are coming from. I filed for divorce three times before I finally said enough is enough. I have not had a single telephone conversation with him since then. I refuse- he doesn't deserve my time or energy anymore. He is only allowed to contact me via email- and I read these emails on my terms- when I feel I want to read them. Every time I went back, in just empowered him to continue to behave even worse. He just figured because I came back, that his behavior was somehow justified. A person who is truly sorry and seeks forgiveness, will change and take appropriate actions to do so. Someone who does not have a conscious thinks that asking for forgiveness is the right thing to do, but then lack the mental capacity to fully grasp the concept of a true apology. I wish I could say the narcissist will learn and grow, but a true narcissist does not.
ReplyDeleteIt's been almost 2 years since I left my Narc/BPD relationship. One of the most painful parts was having to physically leave the place that I loved, my home because I knew after many years that if I stayed physically in the same place as him I would always be manipulated back into the same bullshit. I'm reading and writing because though I am in a healthy relationship with a wonderful, kind person now I still feel haunted and often have dreams that make me relive the pain over and over again. I have been perplexed because it's been so long. I should be over it, right? Well, I'm not and I feel guilty and weak that I'm not over it. Right after I left Brett Gyllenskog swooped up one of my good friends, she was moved in with him within a month of me leaving. I thought that she was one of my best friends. I just have to remind myself that I also fell victim to his manipulation so many times. I thought it was my fault that I wasn't good enough and that perhaps she is but I know now, from lots of therapy, that there is NO good match for a narcissist!! She is now in the same pain I was and although my hurt and anger are still here ultimately I feel pity on her.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to thank all of you that have commented and to those who wrote the article. Especially all the parts about, sleep, reactive depression, nightmares, etc.. I thought I was crazy and totally lame that I still carry the pain around and dream of him and her so often still.
All of this has helped me feel okay about where I'm at and helped me to see how damaging these people and relationships can really be. I don't have to feel so crazy and weak anymore about still reeling from this experience.
Research characteristics of "REAL" Narcissistic/Borderline/Anti-social... Personality Disorder!!! It's not just someone who think's they're pretty awesome and likes to look at themselves in the mirror. It's so much more.
Our society's casual idea of what Narcissism is NOT the reality! They will manipulate you every time you try to leave. You feel like you can't go on without them because they have groomed you to feel that way. That's not real! - even though you feel physically ill and overly fearful at the thought of leaving. I promise that It will never end! It is impossible for them to change because of the type disorder they have does not allow them to look at themselves the way that we can and they NEVER will be able to.
So ultimately please hear my advice...(I do realize that kids and marriage make this even more complex and difficult)...
BUY YOURSELF A PLANE TICKET TO SOMEWHERE SAFE AND AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT....BECAUSE IT DOES!!!....even if it means leaving everything you love and where you want to be.
....and STOP BELIEVING THAT YOU'RE NOT BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH, STRONG ENOUGH, SMART ENOUGH, SKINNY ENOUGH, ETC...
IT'S A LIE!
THEY NEED YOU TO FEEL THAT WAY SO THEY CAN KEEP YOU THERE TO KEEP SUPPLYING THEM WITH WHAT THEIR DISORDER NEEDS TO SURVIVE.
REMEMBER THEY ARE NOT WELL - THEY ARE MENTALLY ILL....you can expect "normal" behavior from them. So STOP TRYING!
Love yourself and don't look back.
Lots of love and kind regards to all of you xoxo
All I can say is, it has been 7 months since the breakup and we had been seriously dating for 5 years. I don't know why I stayed so long, was I that desperate? I am so hateful towards that creep right now, my emotions are all over the place. Hopefully, someday when I am ready to have a relationship again I will be able to trust. I know I need help, I just wish there were support groups out there where people can actually meet who have been through this horrible experience. I can't seem to get any peace of mind. I know it will all get better in time. best wish to all of you
ReplyDelete