Victim Defendants

Narcissists have this uncanny gift of being able to completely turn off their emotions when they deem the situation warrants it.  As I was training to become a volunteer at our local domestic violence organization, I was caught off guard when they talked about "victim defendants".  It wasn't because I didn't believe that there could be such a thing, but because I was one... and it struck me that this organization recognized it.  Where I moved from- they didn't care about the history of the relationship, but what had happened in the moment... so I am about to share a story that is both hard, embarrassing, and brings lots of sadness.

It all started with my ex pretending to make fake phone calls to our neighbors... He would say on the phone that "I was crazy and that I was abusing them" after one of our many loud arguments.  What he would do would press the button for the phone locator- which sounded a lot like a phone ring to pretend that the neighbors were calling our house out of "concern".  I would call him on his bluff, tell him that I knew the difference in the ring tone and that I knew for a fact that the neighbors did not have our phone numbers.  He would just hurl another childish insult.

Flash forward a few years, and I am now pregnant with twins.  My ex was a miserable ass the entire time we were pregnant.  He would pick fights just to pick fights with me.  I never had a moment of peace.  One night he pushed me down to the ground and because of his bizarre behavior for weeks, I called the police out of fear the situation would escalate.  Before the police came, he actually went outside and threw water on himself.  When the police arrived, he "calmly" told them that I had started the fight and that I had provoked him by throwing water on him.  I was completely dumbfounded and the police told me that unless I had marks on me that there was nothing they could do.  He stood there and heard all of this.  So the next day, he picks another fight with me, and at that point, I told him I was leaving him... his first response was that he was going to kill himself.  I told him "go ahead and do us all a favor".  I know that sounds heartless, but this wasn't the first time that he said he would "kill himself" in the middle of an argument if I didn't comply with his outlandish needs.  That morning, during our argument, he had thrown away my college diplomas, awards, pictures, etc in the trash.  This man just could not argue like a normal adult.  He would act in bizarre ways.  For weeks he had been following me around with a video camera as soon as I got home.  It was just relentless. 

I just needed to get away from him and go to work.  So I took my daughter to school- he calmly watched me put her in the car and drive off.  I realized after I dropped her off that I forgot my purse, so I begrudgingly headed back home.  As I drove up to my car, I noticed a sheriff's car.  He had actually hit himself in the face, trying to get me arrested... now just to recap the situation, I am about five months pregnant with twins and he had heard the night before that there had to be a mark on me for the police to take action.  I became completely hysterical... and yet, very eerily he remained calm.  I showed them all the things of mine that he had been throwing away and I told them that he calmly watched me put my daughter in the car and drive away.  I still remember asking them, "If I am so violent as he claims, why would he watch me drive away with my daughter.  If the roles were reversed, I would block the car and keep him from taking my daughter."  Luckily that day, the deputies that they sent out were reasonable and realized that his story was full of holes... and yet he insisted on writing a victim's statement "for record".  They thought it was bizarre that he insisted on trying to actually get his pregnant wife arrested.

For years, he followed me with a camera to try to bait me into a fight, to try to frame me.  He actually followed me around with a camera and caused me so much stress that my water broke.  Instead of putting down his camera, he video taped me drive away.  He then proceeded to call the sheriff's department and child protective services... stating that I was endangering our unborn children by recklessly driving away with my water broken. 

Child protective services and the sheriff's department were always knocking on my door because he would use them as just more pawns to feed his narcissism. 



I fought with this system for years- the courts, child protective services, etc.  They refused to look at what brought the relationship to this point.  Women unfortunately, often become victim defendants... so we get abused twice- once by our perpetrators and again by a flawed system.  My ex became quite the master of manipulating the system.  He used the system to make false complaints against day care ladies that stood up for me willing to testify.  He used the system to make false complaints against teachers and schools that did not comply with his ego.  They too were victims. 

My children also became victims of the system.

When I finally decided to leave him, he tried his usual pattern of trying to completely make my life chaotic and use the system against me.  I refused to give him that luxury.  I showed him no emotion and on the phone, I said what I needed to and would hang up.  I slowly got rid of as many ways as he could control me with.  But that wasn't enough, I had to physically move away from him.  I knew if I stayed, he would just try to escalate the situation and would continue to harass me.  This person has shown up at my work trying to get my fired in the past.  I just could not let him turn my life upside down anymore.  So, I left the state.  I tried desperately to leave with my children and fought for over two years to try to get my children back with me... but again the system failed me.  They refused to look at the entire situation.  They completely ignored the fact that he was diagnosed as being a narcissist by a well-respected psychiatrist.  All the judge saw was that I moved away and all she could see was that I left the kids behind. 

I am happy to see that where I have moved to, there are agencies, law enforcement and legal personnel that recognize that victims often get tangled up as defendants... because they fight back or because they just have had enough and snap.  The local domestic violence agency actually goes out to the jails, to try to find these victim defendants.  I wish these people were in the state that I was in when I was going through the chaos. 

There were people here and there that recognized him for who he was... the guardian ad litem appointed by the court, some of his co-workers, and some of the social workers... unfortunately they were out-ruled by their supervisors.  What struck all of them as odd was how "calm" he remained and how he wanted me to get in trouble and suffer.  These are not the behavior of a normal person.  Normal people do not want their spouses to get in trouble and suffer for things they did not do... normal people do not act calm after a heated argument when the police arrive.