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I graduated from one of the most prestigious schools, got my bachelors and masters in engineering, had a promising career, and had wonderful, beautiful children. By all accounts and appearances, it would have appeared for a long time that I had a great, picturesque life, but underneath it all, I was married to someone who was diagnosed as being narcissistic. My nightmare started almost immediately after I married this person who was Jekyl and Hyde. I want to share my experiences and to let you know what I had to sacrifice and do to get away from this person. My journey still continues as I am still working to fully recover from experiencing this person in my life. I don't think anyone ever really recovers from dealing with such a monster.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

PTSD

First of all, I highly recommend getting a therapist if you are or have dealt with a narcissist.  My therapy time was in many ways my safe time.  No one to answer to, no one asking me "why did you stay with him for so long?" or making comments like- "well you are the one who married him".  I had a wonderful therapist and I would really like to find another one, but the thought of having to revisit old wounds and tell the story again, just seems to painful right now.  So I have just let this one slide, but I think it would do me some good.  One of the things my last therapist explained was that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of everything I have been through.  I didn't want to believe it... I just thought I would go through normal depression issues like anyone in my situation would.  It wasn't until I moved away from my ex that I discovered exactly what she was talking about.

As I was unpacking my things, I found a rather large number of Glad Plug-ins.  My ex was obsessed with these things.  Insisted on putting them everywhere.  So, out of habit, I started to plug them into my new apartment.  It was like I was a robot, trained to always stick these things into every open outlet.  A few minutes later, I wanted to vomit from the smell and I felt dizzy.  I had to immediately go unplug them, throw them in the dumpster and lay down.  And then there it was, I realized that I really did have PTSD.  Many times when you go through a relationship with a narcissist, it is so traumatic, that like the battle-weary soldier, there will be certain things that trigger your memory of the trauma caused by the narcissist. 

I get angry sometimes when I think about all the invisible scars this person has left on my emotional and mental well-being. 

So, here I am nearly three years after I left crazy guy, and I am finally in my new house.  I used to hate going home to my ex because it was just plain unpleasant... all the insults, all the criticism, all the tension, all the stress... this summer I made the unfortunate decision to allow my boyfriend's mother to come and watch my kids.  Ugh, what a horrible idea this was... Mothers- so many seem to have a hard time realizing that their little boys are grown up and they are no longer in charge.  So, as we moved into our new house, this women had an opinion about everything- "if it were me, I would... blah blah blah".  She also disapproves of something I do on a regular basis and instead of just saying it, she walks away shaking her head visibly in disgust.  Now mind you, she is for the most part great with my kids and I am sure that she means well.  I also think that she walks away shaking her head visibly biting her tongue because she realizes that it is better to not say anything.  For weeks though, I have dreaded coming home to listen to another "if it were me" statement in regards to how she would decorate the house... my house is very contemporary.  Her house is anything but contemporary, so I try to ignore these statements.  I have also dreaded coming home to just have her walk away from me for her daily disapproval...

After a few weeks of this, I blew up.  I went into a yelling tirade with my boyfriend... he just looked at me in bewilderment.  It took me a few days to realize, that when I come home, I have to be in a peaceful, environment.  This woman, was making my home life unbearable, and it reminded me all too much of the same feeling I had when I would come home to my ex. 

My boyfriend was very sweet- he told his mom that he would take a few days off to spend some time with the kids and relieved her of watching the kids the rest of the week.  This has given me a reprieve for about four days to de-stress and have some peace.  It has been rather pleasant... no more tip-toeing around my own house. 

Just because you finish dealing with your narcissist, doesn't necessarily mean that your heart, soul, and brain are ready to move on.  I am still a disciple of learning to understand where my source of pain, frustration, and anger comes from sometimes... sometimes it is just a plain struggle to realize that you really aren't as angry at the situation, but that it really just reminds you of something you had to deal with crazy guy.  Also, just no longer being around their delusion, and living in complete reality again- this too is not an easy task... when you are with the narcissist for so long, they tend to brainwash you.  Detoxifying yourself from all that nonsense they fed you, takes time.  Learning to take care of yourself first and not taking care of the latest drama that your narcissist through at you... this too is an art.  I don't have the answers, nor will I have them all.  I think it is time for me to get another good therapist to help me get through this phase of my recovery.  These are just the thoughts going through my head as of late.

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