About Me

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I graduated from one of the most prestigious schools, got my bachelors and masters in engineering, had a promising career, and had wonderful, beautiful children. By all accounts and appearances, it would have appeared for a long time that I had a great, picturesque life, but underneath it all, I was married to someone who was diagnosed as being narcissistic. My nightmare started almost immediately after I married this person who was Jekyl and Hyde. I want to share my experiences and to let you know what I had to sacrifice and do to get away from this person. My journey still continues as I am still working to fully recover from experiencing this person in my life. I don't think anyone ever really recovers from dealing with such a monster.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I can Learn A Lot From My Dog

My dog is an escape artist.  She got out last week and got into a car accident.  I am forever grateful that the person who hit her did not leave her on the side of the road.  He took her to the vet and we were notified when they ran her microchip.  So last week, we had to make the decision to either try to screw her leg back together and keep her in a cage for months so she could heal or they could amputate her leg.  Knowing her personality, I couldn't picture her doing to well being sedated and immobile in a cage for months.  So, we made the difficult decision to amputate her leg.  I was crushed.  This tiny dog that weighed only seven pounds, and only a year old, would lose a leg!  I was devastated.  She is the most energetic dog I have ever had.  She would drive us nuts with her boundless energy.  I couldn't picture her without a leg and without that boundless energy. 

We picked her up after the surgery and it has only been about five days she has been home.  She is already trying to run around and it is just amazing how quickly she is recovering.  I went on you tube and watched some videos of dogs with only three legs.  In one video, a dog who lost a leg only two weeks before, was already running and playing fetch.  My dog is not quite back to herself, but she is getting there.  Two days after her surgery she was trotting along, wagging her tail. 

This past year has been difficult.  My divorce was finalized after two years and it has been hard for me to come to terms that I don't get to see my kids all the time.  It has also been difficult to watch them transform by the influence of the narcissist and it scares me to think that they too might be just like him.  My friends have termed as a "worry wort".  Yes, I worry about things that I have no control over.  It drags me down and makes it hard for me to live my life. 

So I have been watching my dog- and she doesn't mope for her missing leg, all depressed.  I have been watching her adapt to what she does have- three perfectly healthy legs.  This morning I had the fortune of hearing the highest ranking surviving fire fighter give a very heartfelt emotional speech.  And in the end, I thought it was poignant and so relevant to all of us to be grateful for what we have.  I posted a link from youtube that shows him giving a speech. 

When I was with my narcissist, I was and still am constantly grieving for the lost time, spent emotions, lost opportunities and I just get so sad.  So sad about everything the narcissist took away from me in the past.  So bitter at times that I forget to fully enjoy the life that I have now at this very moment.  I have a great job, great boss, great guy, great house and obviously a great dog.  Between watching my dog this week and hearing the speech of Richard Piccoto, I have been reminded that I need appreciate and enjoy what I have.  On another note, I think my experience with the narcissist has also put in to perspective how much worse things can get.  I will never forget all the hell this man put me through, but it is time to put it towards the good things in life.  This week, I have applied to volunteer at a local domestic violence shelter for women.  I could mope and grieve for what he did, or I could take what I learned and put it to good use. 

So I want to encourage those of you reading this, to do something positive from your experience with the narcissist.  Help another woman get out of a bad situation, share your experience and hopefully someone else will get out of bad relationship because it is like the experience of my dog, it isn't about the limb she lost, but about the three healthy legs that she has learned to adapt with. 

Richard Picciotto: Last Man Down

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Childish Games

My narcissist and I have children together and we had a decade long relationship. You would think that two professionals in such a situation would have no time for childish games. Why do narcissists insist on engaging in childish games?

My ex would play head games with me for weeks and then when I finally had it and told him I wanted to leave him the games would get worse. It always started with him suddenly in dire need of attention. For example he would miraculously pass out from the stress, he would get results from the doctor that indicated he 'might' have cancer or he would all of a sudden become suicidal because he couldn't live without me. For the first few years I would fall for it because I had empathy. But after about five years I got sick of his sudden drama and hypochondriac loathsome self. So I would then just resort to mocking him or calling him on his bluff. This only angered him and his twisted brain would concoct some other ludicrous way to get my attention. This was all it was....a way to get my attention. Because whether it was good or bad attention the narcissist got what he craved...my attention.

I was reminded that this is what all narcissists crave this week. A lady found my Facebook page and I was happy to see that sharing my experiences had helped her. Unfortunately for her, her ex found her posts and started to put his own posts on my page. How pathetic that he could not allow her to have anything of hers unblemished with his ugly presence. This brought back a wave of terrible memories of childish games my ex played on me. So here are a few:
1. He used my email address of ten years to sign me of fir every kind of junk email. So I would get emails that started out with "dear james". It was his way of letting me know he existed.
2. He put a key logger on my personal laptop to spy on me.
3. He put a password on my personal laptop then made me pay him $200 to take it off.
4. He would turn off my cellphone service if I didn't comply with his demands. Five years and five different numbers. I have had the same number for the last three years since leaving him!

There are so many more that I could share...the point is that these narcissists have no boundaries in their quest to get the attention of their victims.

I learned the hard way to keep my life hidden as much as possible from this crazy person. I try to never divulge more than I have to. He still tries his hardest to find out what I am up to via Facebook, Internet searches of me and my friends, etc. My boyfriend is a very open person and kept his Facebook open so everyone could see his wall. For months my ex would comment on every little post or picture he could find. I finally had to ask my boyfriend to hide his posts. It is unfortunate but those close to us also need to take precautions to not get entangled and ensnared in the crazy world of the narcissist.

I take precautions daily to keep the craziness our of my life. For instance I tell the kids I am going on vacation but never the location or exact dates. Or I just plain fib about what I am up to. I hate doing it but it is how I keep myself safe.

The boundless energy of the narcissist...I wish I could just wish it away. *sigh*

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Physical Ailments

When I was in my 20s, my doctors would always comment on how healthy I was.  My cholesterol and blood pressure levels were always low,  I had no complaints or ailments.  Flash forward ten years, a tumultuous relationship with a narcissist and it is a completely different story.  My HDL levels were low, my blood pressure is high, and I have thyroid issues.  I realize that as I was just trying to survive the daily grind, trauma and drama of my narcissist, I forgot to take care of myself physically.  I completely neglected my own health because I was too busy and too frantic dealing with the latest crisis that the monster would ensue upon me. 

Growing up I was a competitive swimmer for nearly eighteen years.  I ate a properly balanced meal, worked out two to four hours a day, made sure I got enough sleep and took all sorts of vitamins and supplements.  I continued this ritual until I was thrown into a whirlwind.  I often wonder to myself if I suffer from declining health, how does the narcissist not feel these same effects.  the only logical conclusion that I can come to, is that even though they hurl all sorts of drama at you, they themselves do not react the same to the same kind o f stressors.  I think it is because they are completely wired differently.  When someone lacks empathy, they obviously just don't care.  Life is just one big game to them in which they must destroy and conquer.  To those of us who are normal in our thinking, life isn't a game.  We feel the pain, the anger, the hurt... and so does our bodies. 

Today, I am happy to report that I am going to a chiropractor, acupuncturist, taking my vitamins, exercising and eating much healthier foods.  I hold a lot of stress in my neck, shoulders and stomach... I want to release this stress... it almost feels ritualistic... as if I am working on releasing my narcissist from the grip he held on me.  I can't completely erase the damage that my narcissist did on my body- on top of just plain getting older.  The best that I can do is to try to mitigate the extent of the damage.  I think that is something that we all need to come to grips with as survivors- not just in regards to our physical health, but also with our mental and emotional well being.