Crossroads

It's been a while since I posted anything onto my blog.  Yesterday was an interesting day where two new people in my life started asking me personal questions about my kids and why they aren't with me.  Still to this day it is a little difficult to talk about, but I always do my best to put on a good front. 

This post is called "crossroads" because I wanted to write this morning about the crossroads that we endure as victims of narcissists.  Many of us have faced so many injustices from them and we expend so much energy trying to make it right, trying to make others see the truth about them, but for most of us, in the end, we are the ones often left broken, left to pick up the pieces, left exhausted.

I fought for over two years a losing battle with a court system that refused to let me enter a psychological evaluation that showed that he was narcissistic and it plainly stated that he "should never have custody of the children".  They deemed it as being too old.  As most of us well know, that a narcissist never changes.  So, labelling a "narcissist" label as being outdated, is just plain wrong. 

For two years I dealt with a master manipulator, who at every turn would try to turn my life upside down.  In the midst of it, he tried to embezzle over $15K from me.  I had the evidence to show to the court and yet they didn't think it was that big of a deal.  This person managed to turn my life upside down for two months from almost three-thousand miles away, and it isn't a big deal? 

The parent evaluator never talked to the day care workers that he threatened and harassed on a regular basis.  They didn't talk to the teachers he got fired from multiple schools by making up false allegations. 

So after spending over $20,000 in lawyer fees plus travel costs, court costs, parenting evaluation costs, I just said enough is enough.  This was my crossroads.  I decided to save my sanity, go on with my life, and enjoy my time with my kids drama free.  I get them just about every single holiday and we get to go on some fantastic adventures and yes I pay a lot of money in child support, but I saved myself in the long run.  

Being 1000s of miles away, not running into him on a regular basis, not switching the kids around every two weeks, no harassment at my workplace, and new beginnings without the crazy guy lurking in the background. So I traded in a decade of drama, to save my own sanity.  Some could say that I am a horrible mother, that I abandoned my children, but those are the people that know nothing about me.  My children can still opt to live with me when they turn twelve and I get to see them for longer periods of time without dealingw ith my ex.  Leaving them with him during the school year was hard, but staying would have been disastrous.  I could not imagine being back there to have him stalk me on a regular basis again.  This is a person that drove by my work, showed up at work to make a scene, put key loggers on my computer, would have other people follow me around, would do anything to pick a fight with me and then turn right around and make fantastic lies. 

Victims of narcissists all face this crossroad.  Do I stay and fight for what is right, or do I relent and go on with my life?  When one party has an enormous amount of energy at seeking to make your absolutely miserable at any cost, you have to wonder, is it worth it in the end? 

Life goes on.  Life is short.  Wasting more energy on a crazy person is just not worth it to me.  I would rather go on vacation than pay another ridiculous amount of money to the lawyers.  I would rather go on vacation with my kids.  I would rather be happy, content and at peace than to deal with this person anymore.  I look upon my time with my ex with sadness, unhappy thoughts and there are very rare glimpses of fondess that I remember.  The drama began from the beginning and still continues.  But I limit how much it affects me. 

I don't dare give this person anymore of my attention than he deserves.  He doesn't have the privilege of ever seeing any more of my emotions.  In our brief exchanges I remain ever so stoic, and refuse to give this person anymore of myself.  He doesn't deserve me, and I don't deserve to be his punching bag anymore.