*roll of the eyes*

I am spending the summer with my kids.  It's hard not to see them all the time.  It was the price I had to pay to get away from crazy guy, but I knew in my heart that this too would only be temporary.  Even they would eventually see the lunacy of his behavior. 

As I was unpacking my oldest daughter's bag, I asked her why this time there were no vitamins packed... vitamins- one of the last resorts of the control freak.  The last few times he would send a pack of vitamins on send illicit details on how to give it to the kids- which I complied without saying a word- just merely a roll of the eyes because I knew it was to get a rise out of me.  Since he got none, I guess he just moved on to other ways of trying to keep control over me.  Her answer to me was that dad did not pack the vitamins because I would just "throw them away".  I asked her quite plainly- "have you ever seen me throw away your vitamins?"  In which she replied, no.  As I turned and rolled my eyes again. 

What the narcissist doesn't realize in his delusional world that in trying to be the favored parent by making up insinuations and lies, he is trying just over time slowly revealing his true nature.  Because even for his children, he cannot but show his true nature.  He just simply cannot help himself.  Even they will be able to see through the lies as they get older. 

I've learned to just not play into his sophomoric chicanery.  I just "roll my eyes".  By being above his tactics of deception and lies, over time it becomes evident who the true victim and who the true liar is.  I just laugh at his idiotic lame attempts at trying to make me into something I am not.  Because in reality- he is scared.  Scared that the kids will have a fantastic time with me and that when they are old enough they will be able to tell the judge that they prefer to live with mom.  It's his fear that turns him into this ugly, pathetic person.  He doesn't know how to behave through the fear in rational terms- so he resorts to deception, lies, and manipulation. 

This resonates throughout every aspect of his life... scared that he will become insignificant at work- therefore he bolsters himself with fantastic accomplishments.  Scared of getting old, therefore he becomes a shallow, vain shell of a being.  Scared the others would learn the truth about them, therefore, therefore they aim to surround themselves with people they are secretly jealous of and want to be. 

What a sad way to live a life.  How tiring it must be to be so consummed with appearances or scared of their own shadows.  Well to that, I roll my eyes, I stay quiet and live the best life, and I say "boo"- scared of me yet?  because you should be.  I am not one of those people you will manipulate any longer.  You know that I know the truth about you.  You also know that I see right through you for the hollow person you really are.  But best of all, you know you won't get away with the lies and deception with me anymore.

Learning to Not Always Expect the Worst!

When I was with my narcissist, I always expected the worst... there were moments of happiness, but as the years passed they became few and far between... and even the moments when I should have been happy, I knew the storm was just over the horizon.  So I could never truly be happy.  It was hard to enjoy life knowing that inevitably, the narcissist would transform into Jekyl. 

It's been over two years since I have resided in the same state as my ex.  Even now though the scars he has left on my soul torment me.  It's hard to enjoy life all the time because sometimes I still think the worst is yet to come.  But over time, it's these moments of self doubt that have become few and far between.  The reversal has been a slow transformation.  It's the undoing of the shackles that bind us with our narcissist. 

Sometimes it makes me so angry I allowed this person to manipulate me to the point where I lost myself over a decade of anguish, heartache, and misery.  Sometimes I just want to get back at him anyway I can- even though I know that I get the best results by not doing anything and letting them come to their own demise.  And then there are the brilliant moments when I am able to enjoy life, look at what unfolds, and just chuckle to myself and think "what an idiot". 

I sometimes wonder how my boyfriend puts up with me.  I can be the most negative person in the world at times.  Thank goodness that he is restoring my faith in the male species!  I wonder if we have to suffer sometimes to really make us cherish and treasure the good people in our lives.  Throughout my ordeals I have learned - sometimes quite painfully- that some people are just not good for me and that they must be weeded out.  I have lost so many "so called" good friends because they just couldn't stand the drama invoked by the narcissist, but in reality, are these people really all that good of friends?  The sad thing about the whole situation is that unless someone has truly dealt with the full spectrum of the narcissist, they can not understand what you could possibly going through.  They just can't fathom that it really can be just that bad.  When you relay to the person who just cannot emphatize with the outlandish narcissist stories, they just listen in disbelief... disbelief that anything that insane could really happen- but it does to thousands and thousands of people and unfortunately most of the victims are women.

Why is it that most victims are women- is it because we tend to forgive and we want to fix things?  I don't know the real reason.  I know for me I always wanted to believe that the narcissist would realize the lunacy of his actions, learn and mature over time, but we all know that that will never happen. 

How is it that the narcissist cannot see what is so plainly and painfully obvious to the rest of the world?

But I digress, today is another day.  It is sometimes sad and humurous that at times I have to say to myself "don't expect the worst.  You are not there anymore, you are here!" 

I checked an email from crazy guy today and true to his label, he made another crazy insinuation.  So apparently him not being able to buy his house was somehow my fault... hahaha... I have to laugh because I moved three thousand miles to get away from nut case and he still seems to find the energy to blame me... so apparently moving will cause a disruption in where the kids will attend school and he is afraid that I will some how "litigate" him for moving the kids to a different a school... EXCEPT.... wait a minute crazy guy logic- you forgot that we moved when we were married and our daughter got to stay in the same school because she has special needs...

Why do I share this story.... only because it just goes to show you how logic fails the narcissist... perhaps you crazy nut case you can't buy your house because you insisted on foreclosing our house to "teach me a lesson".... except it was karma... the mortgage was solely in your name... so you shot yourself in the foot... all I have to say... what a DUMBASS!  What goes around comes around.

I love how these narcissists think that they can just keep spewing their vile, irrational BS and that they think somehow they will remain immune to it forever. 

Why did my crazy ex try to point the finger at me for his latest misgivings???  I think it is because he would rather lie, rant, and blame others then to face the truth of the whole matter... I want to say to him "you screwed up by trying to hurt me... in the end you only hurt yourself.  I hope you learned your lesson, but I know better.  You will never learn from your mistakes because somehow in your irraitonal mind you found yet another way to blame me for all your misery and your horrible life.  So now you are embarrassed and you feel that you must blame me yet again... except I am no longer your punching bag.  I got away from you for a reason- think about that while."

I started writing an email in which I pointed out the fact that not being able to buy his house was due to his poor choices and a few other lines where I wanted to rub it in his face... in the end, I erased all those lines and wrote an emotionless response to his email- which I am sure he will find a way to try to pick a fight with me- I refuse to give him that satisfaction ever again. 

The narcissist must always find someone else to blame for his woes.  In his mind he is always perfect; therefore it must be someone else's fault- oh heaven forbid if they should ever face reality.  That would require a level of maturity that the narcissist is never able to achieve.  If you really think about it, it really is sad that the narcissist lives in a world far from reality and can never grow and learn from his own mistakes.  Just further evidence that thte narcissist is his worst enermy.

The Devaluing of Oneself

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year.   This relationship has been tough- not because it is so awful, but because it is so wonderful.  Kind of hard to understand sometimes... You would think after such a horrible relationship and experience with a narcissist, every other relationship should be easier.  Sometimes on the contrary- because you have to realize that after being with a narcissist for so long, I really was brainwashed into devaluing myself and to think I just didn't deserve better.  Another point to understand is that when you are with a narcissist, drama, insanity, abuse is just expected.  So when I was finally in a healthy relationship, the normalcy put me in unfamiliar territory.  I sometimes would start fights just because that was easier to deal with then dealing with being normal.  I had to later explain to my boyfriend, that I unintentionally start fights because I just expect the worst.  So it became a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. 

There are times when there is nothing to question, and nothing out of the ordinary that I just expected the worst.  None of it came true this past year.  I created my own drama!  Eekers!  I am still learning to be in this normal relationship.  You have to understand that this is very new to me. 

Recovery from the narcissist doesn't end because I physically left the person.  Getting them out of your normal day to day thought processes and dealing with life again without this crazy person takes a lot of time and understanding.  I struggle day to day with this.  Thank goodness my guy is a saint!