PTSD

First of all, I highly recommend getting a therapist if you are or have dealt with a narcissist.  My therapy time was in many ways my safe time.  No one to answer to, no one asking me "why did you stay with him for so long?" or making comments like- "well you are the one who married him".  I had a wonderful therapist and I would really like to find another one, but the thought of having to revisit old wounds and tell the story again, just seems to painful right now.  So I have just let this one slide, but I think it would do me some good.  One of the things my last therapist explained was that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of everything I have been through.  I didn't want to believe it... I just thought I would go through normal depression issues like anyone in my situation would.  It wasn't until I moved away from my ex that I discovered exactly what she was talking about.

As I was unpacking my things, I found a rather large number of Glad Plug-ins.  My ex was obsessed with these things.  Insisted on putting them everywhere.  So, out of habit, I started to plug them into my new apartment.  It was like I was a robot, trained to always stick these things into every open outlet.  A few minutes later, I wanted to vomit from the smell and I felt dizzy.  I had to immediately go unplug them, throw them in the dumpster and lay down.  And then there it was, I realized that I really did have PTSD.  Many times when you go through a relationship with a narcissist, it is so traumatic, that like the battle-weary soldier, there will be certain things that trigger your memory of the trauma caused by the narcissist. 

I get angry sometimes when I think about all the invisible scars this person has left on my emotional and mental well-being. 

So, here I am nearly three years after I left crazy guy, and I am finally in my new house.  I used to hate going home to my ex because it was just plain unpleasant... all the insults, all the criticism, all the tension, all the stress... this summer I made the unfortunate decision to allow my boyfriend's mother to come and watch my kids.  Ugh, what a horrible idea this was... Mothers- so many seem to have a hard time realizing that their little boys are grown up and they are no longer in charge.  So, as we moved into our new house, this women had an opinion about everything- "if it were me, I would... blah blah blah".  She also disapproves of something I do on a regular basis and instead of just saying it, she walks away shaking her head visibly in disgust.  Now mind you, she is for the most part great with my kids and I am sure that she means well.  I also think that she walks away shaking her head visibly biting her tongue because she realizes that it is better to not say anything.  For weeks though, I have dreaded coming home to listen to another "if it were me" statement in regards to how she would decorate the house... my house is very contemporary.  Her house is anything but contemporary, so I try to ignore these statements.  I have also dreaded coming home to just have her walk away from me for her daily disapproval...

After a few weeks of this, I blew up.  I went into a yelling tirade with my boyfriend... he just looked at me in bewilderment.  It took me a few days to realize, that when I come home, I have to be in a peaceful, environment.  This woman, was making my home life unbearable, and it reminded me all too much of the same feeling I had when I would come home to my ex. 

My boyfriend was very sweet- he told his mom that he would take a few days off to spend some time with the kids and relieved her of watching the kids the rest of the week.  This has given me a reprieve for about four days to de-stress and have some peace.  It has been rather pleasant... no more tip-toeing around my own house. 

Just because you finish dealing with your narcissist, doesn't necessarily mean that your heart, soul, and brain are ready to move on.  I am still a disciple of learning to understand where my source of pain, frustration, and anger comes from sometimes... sometimes it is just a plain struggle to realize that you really aren't as angry at the situation, but that it really just reminds you of something you had to deal with crazy guy.  Also, just no longer being around their delusion, and living in complete reality again- this too is not an easy task... when you are with the narcissist for so long, they tend to brainwash you.  Detoxifying yourself from all that nonsense they fed you, takes time.  Learning to take care of yourself first and not taking care of the latest drama that your narcissist through at you... this too is an art.  I don't have the answers, nor will I have them all.  I think it is time for me to get another good therapist to help me get through this phase of my recovery.  These are just the thoughts going through my head as of late.

My World of Denial

Epiphanies---- you will have moments where you go "A-Ha!"... my therapist once told me that.  On the journey to finding those treasured "a Ha!" moments, I went through a lot of denial.  Denial that I could really be with someone who could truly be soulless.  Why do we deny, deny, deny what is so apparent to everyone else?  Blinded by our emotions, unable to think through what is really happening with logic and reason.  Sometimes when I share my story with someone, they just shake their head in disbelief that I could be duped in such a manner.  "How could you possibly not see what was happening?" 

I don't have the exact reason or science to this.  It just is what it is.  I kept telling myself that surely this person will see how illogical and insane his actions are and will change.  I told myself this over and over and kept going back for more and more abuse.  In hindsight, I was the one who was illogical... yes, ME.  I kept going back to an irreparable, stoic, cruel situation.  At some point, I have to take some responbility for what unfolded.  No, I didn't deserve his cruelty, but I could have walked away years ago and saved myself years of torment. 

So here I am today, in a much better place.  Out of fear and panic of repeating my mistakes, I have gone to the other extreme- I refuse to accept things just for what they are... I tend to assume the worst is going to happen in my new relationship and yet it never comes to fruition.  So, I am a little angry sometimes that because of this one crazy person, I have become a bit jaded.  It is a constant struggle in which I have to tell myself that who I am with is not that crazy guy. 

So, I don't want to be the victim again, but I struggle to find the perfect middle ground.  Logic and reason sometimes just goes out the door because I have had to deal with such an evil, manipulative person.  So, what the lesson here... I just don't know.  I guess for starters, if you think you are with a narcissist- research what a narcissist is and look for the signs.  Once the math adds up, run like hell.  Second, once you are ready to start, be careful not to let the narcissist interfere your new life by filling your head with paranoid, untrusting thoughts.

Learning to deal with things as they are, right now and not letting the past influence my present life... what a struggle this has become at times.