About Me

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I graduated from one of the most prestigious schools, got my bachelors and masters in engineering, had a promising career, and had wonderful, beautiful children. By all accounts and appearances, it would have appeared for a long time that I had a great, picturesque life, but underneath it all, I was married to someone who was diagnosed as being narcissistic. My nightmare started almost immediately after I married this person who was Jekyl and Hyde. I want to share my experiences and to let you know what I had to sacrifice and do to get away from this person. My journey still continues as I am still working to fully recover from experiencing this person in my life. I don't think anyone ever really recovers from dealing with such a monster.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Learning to Vent--- the right way!

My ex would often lash out at me by making false allegations and by saying nasty, horrible lies to everyone we knew.  It was often very embarrassing.  When I used to live in a small town where you could not go out to eat, get groceries or go to the movies without running into someone you knew, I would often get nasty looks from his co-workers or friends.  My integrity and reputation were important to me and I would often dread going out in town.  Early on, I used to also think it was important to let everyone hear my side of the story... because I wanted to set the record straight... It took me a long time to realize that these people had already formulated their misguided opinions and that venting just gave them more ill-conversation to share with my ex.  The narcissist is a fantastic, professional liar.  He never had any remorse for the lies he spread--- he always felts he was justified that in this person's crazy reality- even though none of what he spewed out was true, it might as well be because the stories he spread "could" be true in crazy guy's world. 

When people would often ask me why I made the choices I did to get away from this person, I would share my story in great detail... Those who never experienced the narcissist to the extent that I did, never could quite grasp what I went through.  Some of the things I had experienced, were like a Lifetime Movie storyline.  It was rather just hard to fathom for the person fortunate enough to have never experienced the Narcissist.

I have three wonderful people in my life whom I can vent without judgment because they fully understand what I am going through.  It took me years to figure out that these are the only people I can truly share the horrors I have been through.  These women have all lived through similar situations... they understand that when my ex acts up that I start having panic attacks for fear of what he might do next.  They guide me through situations based on their experiences and help me to deal with this person.  Furthermore, they always reiterate to me without hesitation... "when he acts up again, call me".  How comforting to know that I have people in my life who want me to call them when he strikes again.  In an odd way, I am also comforted that these people understand that he will harass me again and that they are there for me to vent my frustrations, pains, and anger.

 Aside from finding these wonderful people, I learned the hard way that the best revenge with a narcissist, is no revenge.  This was such a hard lesson for me and I still struggle with it today.  I learned that fighting a narcissist is a never ending battle because they have an endless amount of energy and will go to lengths that you never dreamed of to hurt you.  I tried for years to keep pace with this crazy guy and would fail so miserably each time... The reason being- I had a conscious and I had limits. 

When I just ignored this person- magically, he did not have me as his personal punching bag anymore... I took that power away from him.  How empowering and liberating that was!  And would you believe, his craziness manifested in other ways... it came out in his work and personal relationships... Years later, some of the same people who once judged me, experienced the same lunatic behavior from him... they later told me they didn't understand why I moved thousands of miles years ago, but having dealt with him, they are starting to understand.  Some of his old friends from twenty years ago... are now just friends with me.  By staying calm, quiet and letting the situation play out... I am regaining my life, my sanity, and peace of mind. 

The narcissist needs an outlet... my advice... don't let the outlet be YOU.  Don't empower this crazy person and don't engage in wasted conversation about your situation with people just don't understand.  You will find the person in your life who understands and who wants to help you because they have been there.  And finally, let this person fall on his own sword... don't make it your mission to set things right.  You will lose so much of yourself in going down this path.  Life is too short... it really is... enjoy YOUR life and not the life the narcissist thinks you deserve.  Once you get your freedom from this person, don't let them weasel their way back. 

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