Richard Picciotto: Last Man Down

Childish Games

My narcissist and I have children together and we had a decade long relationship. You would think that two professionals in such a situation would have no time for childish games. Why do narcissists insist on engaging in childish games?

My ex would play head games with me for weeks and then when I finally had it and told him I wanted to leave him the games would get worse. It always started with him suddenly in dire need of attention. For example he would miraculously pass out from the stress, he would get results from the doctor that indicated he 'might' have cancer or he would all of a sudden become suicidal because he couldn't live without me. For the first few years I would fall for it because I had empathy. But after about five years I got sick of his sudden drama and hypochondriac loathsome self. So I would then just resort to mocking him or calling him on his bluff. This only angered him and his twisted brain would concoct some other ludicrous way to get my attention. This was all it was....a way to get my attention. Because whether it was good or bad attention the narcissist got what he craved...my attention.

I was reminded that this is what all narcissists crave this week. A lady found my Facebook page and I was happy to see that sharing my experiences had helped her. Unfortunately for her, her ex found her posts and started to put his own posts on my page. How pathetic that he could not allow her to have anything of hers unblemished with his ugly presence. This brought back a wave of terrible memories of childish games my ex played on me. So here are a few:
1. He used my email address of ten years to sign me of fir every kind of junk email. So I would get emails that started out with "dear james". It was his way of letting me know he existed.
2. He put a key logger on my personal laptop to spy on me.
3. He put a password on my personal laptop then made me pay him $200 to take it off.
4. He would turn off my cellphone service if I didn't comply with his demands. Five years and five different numbers. I have had the same number for the last three years since leaving him!

There are so many more that I could share...the point is that these narcissists have no boundaries in their quest to get the attention of their victims.

I learned the hard way to keep my life hidden as much as possible from this crazy person. I try to never divulge more than I have to. He still tries his hardest to find out what I am up to via Facebook, Internet searches of me and my friends, etc. My boyfriend is a very open person and kept his Facebook open so everyone could see his wall. For months my ex would comment on every little post or picture he could find. I finally had to ask my boyfriend to hide his posts. It is unfortunate but those close to us also need to take precautions to not get entangled and ensnared in the crazy world of the narcissist.

I take precautions daily to keep the craziness our of my life. For instance I tell the kids I am going on vacation but never the location or exact dates. Or I just plain fib about what I am up to. I hate doing it but it is how I keep myself safe.

The boundless energy of the narcissist...I wish I could just wish it away. *sigh*

Physical Ailments

When I was in my 20s, my doctors would always comment on how healthy I was.  My cholesterol and blood pressure levels were always low,  I had no complaints or ailments.  Flash forward ten years, a tumultuous relationship with a narcissist and it is a completely different story.  My HDL levels were low, my blood pressure is high, and I have thyroid issues.  I realize that as I was just trying to survive the daily grind, trauma and drama of my narcissist, I forgot to take care of myself physically.  I completely neglected my own health because I was too busy and too frantic dealing with the latest crisis that the monster would ensue upon me. 

Growing up I was a competitive swimmer for nearly eighteen years.  I ate a properly balanced meal, worked out two to four hours a day, made sure I got enough sleep and took all sorts of vitamins and supplements.  I continued this ritual until I was thrown into a whirlwind.  I often wonder to myself if I suffer from declining health, how does the narcissist not feel these same effects.  the only logical conclusion that I can come to, is that even though they hurl all sorts of drama at you, they themselves do not react the same to the same kind o f stressors.  I think it is because they are completely wired differently.  When someone lacks empathy, they obviously just don't care.  Life is just one big game to them in which they must destroy and conquer.  To those of us who are normal in our thinking, life isn't a game.  We feel the pain, the anger, the hurt... and so does our bodies. 

Today, I am happy to report that I am going to a chiropractor, acupuncturist, taking my vitamins, exercising and eating much healthier foods.  I hold a lot of stress in my neck, shoulders and stomach... I want to release this stress... it almost feels ritualistic... as if I am working on releasing my narcissist from the grip he held on me.  I can't completely erase the damage that my narcissist did on my body- on top of just plain getting older.  The best that I can do is to try to mitigate the extent of the damage.  I think that is something that we all need to come to grips with as survivors- not just in regards to our physical health, but also with our mental and emotional well being. 

Here we go again

I enjoyed the summer with the kids- three thousand miles away from the narcissist.  It was great for everyone involved.  The truth of the matter is I had to give up having my kids close to me all the time to get away from the crazy guy.  It was not an easy decision to come to, but I saw how he was roping the kids into his games just to get even with me.  So as painful as it was, I left and resigned to see them for only three months of the year.  As painful and as unfair I know this is, it was the best solution to a difficult situation.  I just dropped my kids off with their dad and less than an hour later I got a nasty email from him accusing me of stealing their medical and ID cards because as he puts it that I am not their custodial parent.  He also insinuates that I must have had a team of medical experts check them out over the summer and that he wants all their records.  Pattern... yes pattern.

We are about to go to court again because he violated the terms of our divorce decree less than two months after it was signed.  You see, he was supposed to have them fly into a mutually agreed upon airport or if an agreement could not be made.  Instead he flew them into an airport that was five hours away and the return flight was for 6 am.  UGH!

Every time we are about to go to court, I get accused of something.  And if it isn't me, it is the kids' teachers who step forwards and are willing to testify on my behalf.  This is the pattern that I am referring to.    I feel badly for everyone that gets involved.  This past year, he had a teacher fired from their school.

I moved three thousand miles to get away from this insanity... so I could survive and be sane.  I could not take it anymore.  The constant calling of the police, making false allegations, showing up at my work place, trying to get me fired, stalking me, trying to bait me into another chaotic situation that I would have to deal with.  It was all too daunting.


I wanted to desperately to be able to move with the kids and get them away from all this lunacy.  Unfortunately I lived in a state that punishes you for trying to get away from an abusive person with your children.  For this, I get judged all the time as a heartless mother.  But to those critics, I say to you- have you ever experienced true narcissism.  I could have stayed and I would have continued to deteriorate.  My kids would have been ensnared in all the mess every day.  I would have had to interact with him on a much more regular basis.  At least now, the kids can see me without the chaos and the drama- in my home, in my safe haven, away from the narcissist.  I get some sense of peace and so do they. 

I try to limit my interaction with my narcissist.  It is for my own benefit.  But when he feels I haven't given him sufficient attention, he stirs up trouble for me... and all I can say is "here we go again".  Reasoning with this lunatic is a complete and utter waste of time.  Unless you comply exactly as he demands, he will relentlessly make your life completely miserable.  So, I realize that there is little I can do.  The best thing for me to do is to limit my interaction with him and let him do his own thing.  He stated to me that he will get the ID cards from me by "any means necessary".

I actually hope he does... I hope he calls the police, the government, the lawyers, whomever he deems necessary... because I have the paperwork that says I have the right.  Just getting the cards was a painstaking hassle.  I had to repeatedly remind him of our divorce decree and that he is in contempt of court if he doesn't provide them to me... what a pain and what an ass he is and will always be. 

So, I have taken away many of the ways he used to hurt me.  It is much harder for him to hassle me from three thousand miles away.  So he resorts to minute, trivial things like insurance cards.  How pathetic that he spends his time inventing new ways to get to me.  I should be somewhat flattered by all the attention he gives me... "hey crazy guy, I didn't know I was worth all the trouble".   The less attention I give this guy, the more he spends his time and energy... He just can't stand to be ignored and I can't wait until the day he does ignore me for good.  I just want some peace and to enjoy by time with the kids... isn't it enough for him that he gets the kids the majority  of the time?  Nothing is enough for the narcissist.

I needed to vent and let out some frustration in my blog today.  Now, it is time for me to live my life and to not think about him.  I have decided to ignore the email that he shot back at me today until friday.  I am going to enjoy the rest of the week.  He can stew in his own misery and wonder why I haven't bothered to give him the time of day by reading his pathetic, sophomoric replies.  :)

PTSD

First of all, I highly recommend getting a therapist if you are or have dealt with a narcissist.  My therapy time was in many ways my safe time.  No one to answer to, no one asking me "why did you stay with him for so long?" or making comments like- "well you are the one who married him".  I had a wonderful therapist and I would really like to find another one, but the thought of having to revisit old wounds and tell the story again, just seems to painful right now.  So I have just let this one slide, but I think it would do me some good.  One of the things my last therapist explained was that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of everything I have been through.  I didn't want to believe it... I just thought I would go through normal depression issues like anyone in my situation would.  It wasn't until I moved away from my ex that I discovered exactly what she was talking about.

As I was unpacking my things, I found a rather large number of Glad Plug-ins.  My ex was obsessed with these things.  Insisted on putting them everywhere.  So, out of habit, I started to plug them into my new apartment.  It was like I was a robot, trained to always stick these things into every open outlet.  A few minutes later, I wanted to vomit from the smell and I felt dizzy.  I had to immediately go unplug them, throw them in the dumpster and lay down.  And then there it was, I realized that I really did have PTSD.  Many times when you go through a relationship with a narcissist, it is so traumatic, that like the battle-weary soldier, there will be certain things that trigger your memory of the trauma caused by the narcissist. 

I get angry sometimes when I think about all the invisible scars this person has left on my emotional and mental well-being. 

So, here I am nearly three years after I left crazy guy, and I am finally in my new house.  I used to hate going home to my ex because it was just plain unpleasant... all the insults, all the criticism, all the tension, all the stress... this summer I made the unfortunate decision to allow my boyfriend's mother to come and watch my kids.  Ugh, what a horrible idea this was... Mothers- so many seem to have a hard time realizing that their little boys are grown up and they are no longer in charge.  So, as we moved into our new house, this women had an opinion about everything- "if it were me, I would... blah blah blah".  She also disapproves of something I do on a regular basis and instead of just saying it, she walks away shaking her head visibly in disgust.  Now mind you, she is for the most part great with my kids and I am sure that she means well.  I also think that she walks away shaking her head visibly biting her tongue because she realizes that it is better to not say anything.  For weeks though, I have dreaded coming home to listen to another "if it were me" statement in regards to how she would decorate the house... my house is very contemporary.  Her house is anything but contemporary, so I try to ignore these statements.  I have also dreaded coming home to just have her walk away from me for her daily disapproval...

After a few weeks of this, I blew up.  I went into a yelling tirade with my boyfriend... he just looked at me in bewilderment.  It took me a few days to realize, that when I come home, I have to be in a peaceful, environment.  This woman, was making my home life unbearable, and it reminded me all too much of the same feeling I had when I would come home to my ex. 

My boyfriend was very sweet- he told his mom that he would take a few days off to spend some time with the kids and relieved her of watching the kids the rest of the week.  This has given me a reprieve for about four days to de-stress and have some peace.  It has been rather pleasant... no more tip-toeing around my own house. 

Just because you finish dealing with your narcissist, doesn't necessarily mean that your heart, soul, and brain are ready to move on.  I am still a disciple of learning to understand where my source of pain, frustration, and anger comes from sometimes... sometimes it is just a plain struggle to realize that you really aren't as angry at the situation, but that it really just reminds you of something you had to deal with crazy guy.  Also, just no longer being around their delusion, and living in complete reality again- this too is not an easy task... when you are with the narcissist for so long, they tend to brainwash you.  Detoxifying yourself from all that nonsense they fed you, takes time.  Learning to take care of yourself first and not taking care of the latest drama that your narcissist through at you... this too is an art.  I don't have the answers, nor will I have them all.  I think it is time for me to get another good therapist to help me get through this phase of my recovery.  These are just the thoughts going through my head as of late.

My World of Denial

Epiphanies---- you will have moments where you go "A-Ha!"... my therapist once told me that.  On the journey to finding those treasured "a Ha!" moments, I went through a lot of denial.  Denial that I could really be with someone who could truly be soulless.  Why do we deny, deny, deny what is so apparent to everyone else?  Blinded by our emotions, unable to think through what is really happening with logic and reason.  Sometimes when I share my story with someone, they just shake their head in disbelief that I could be duped in such a manner.  "How could you possibly not see what was happening?" 

I don't have the exact reason or science to this.  It just is what it is.  I kept telling myself that surely this person will see how illogical and insane his actions are and will change.  I told myself this over and over and kept going back for more and more abuse.  In hindsight, I was the one who was illogical... yes, ME.  I kept going back to an irreparable, stoic, cruel situation.  At some point, I have to take some responbility for what unfolded.  No, I didn't deserve his cruelty, but I could have walked away years ago and saved myself years of torment. 

So here I am today, in a much better place.  Out of fear and panic of repeating my mistakes, I have gone to the other extreme- I refuse to accept things just for what they are... I tend to assume the worst is going to happen in my new relationship and yet it never comes to fruition.  So, I am a little angry sometimes that because of this one crazy person, I have become a bit jaded.  It is a constant struggle in which I have to tell myself that who I am with is not that crazy guy. 

So, I don't want to be the victim again, but I struggle to find the perfect middle ground.  Logic and reason sometimes just goes out the door because I have had to deal with such an evil, manipulative person.  So, what the lesson here... I just don't know.  I guess for starters, if you think you are with a narcissist- research what a narcissist is and look for the signs.  Once the math adds up, run like hell.  Second, once you are ready to start, be careful not to let the narcissist interfere your new life by filling your head with paranoid, untrusting thoughts.

Learning to deal with things as they are, right now and not letting the past influence my present life... what a struggle this has become at times.

Not a level playing field

I think we can all agree that from our earliest childhood memories we can recall that we were always taught that good will prevail against evil.  For most of us, we tend to believe this as a core value.  When I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship, I really wanted to believe that goodness and especially the truth would prevail.  I wanted to right so many wrongs- and in doing so I expended so much energy and at times just came across as someone who was mentally unstable.  How miserable to be in an abusive relationship and in trying to right the wrongs of the abuser, we become obsessed with "fixing it".  It took me a long time, a lot of heartache and pain, to just learn to walk away. 

Do you ever feel like you just want to prove to the world, what a horrible person your narcissist is?  They have no conscience and dare I say it--they have no soul.  They feel no remorse or guilt for the horrible things they inflict on you.  When someone acts without emotion, they act like a robot... they drive you insane, breakdown your defenses, and when you lash out and just lose it- they magically, turn to world and say "see, look at what a crazy person I have to deal with".  They are so good at this game.  My ex used to follow me around with a video camera for weeks, stalk me, and when I just about it had it and starting breaking dishes and screaming out of pure anger and frustration, he would jump into his calm demeanor and call upon his friends and everyone else to "show them just what a crazy person I was".  Then I would frantically, try to show and explain to people what had been going on for weeks and sometimes even months... why I broke down.  None of it mattered, all that mattered was that their friend or colleague had successfully duped them into demonstrating the aftermath... when you finally break down. 

The abused person has a normal reaction to someone who torments and abuses them.  The narcissist has a cold, calculated, manipulated reaction.  Thus this creates an uneven playing field.  When the other person lacks the ability to have normal reactions and emotions, fair just goes out the window.  There is nothing fair, nothing nice, nothing decent when dealing with a narcissist. 

Many times, by the time you realize you are with a narcissist, the damage has been done.   His friends think you are nuts and emphatize with the narcissist because they have to deal with the likes of  you... It took me a long time to just say "f*ck it.  I don't give a damn anymore what other people think and I especially don't care what you (the narcissist) thinks of me".  Best therapy of my life.  Walking away, not being a part of the chaos the narcissist ensues, was the best remedy.    Because when one person doesn't have the ability to play fair, why play at all?  Why give them the satisfaction?  Let them move on to the next victim- so they leave you alone and let you recover and heal. 

I hope I can reach someone who thinks that the best course of action is to extract revenge or to somehow show the world the true nature of the narcissist.  I hope that they just turn around and say,  "I will live the best life ever and that will be the best revenge".  Because when they see they haven't gotten to you and that you have moved on, it will eat them up.   They will be consumed with what they deem as "unfairness"... because in their minds you don't deserve it, you deserve to be miserable for ever.  Let them wallow in their own misery.  Let them stew in their own jealousy. 

My house is almost done- two more weeks.  I have a great job and a wonderful guy in my life.  I will be posting pictures of our finished house soon.  Living a life of peace and happiness is my number one goal.  Never again will I let the narcissist ensnare me in his chaos.  Never again, will I let this person degrade me.  Never again will I let this person have any say in how I feel, how I live, and who I am.