How Did I Not See You Coming

Hindsight is often twenty twenty.  Life is always full of regrets... if only I didn't do this or that, or chose another.  But there comes a point when one has to say... "it is what it is".   I often wonder how I ended up with my narcissist.  I had all my friends meet him and they all thought he was great.  For me, I think it was the long distance relationship we had for two years.  We only saw each other about once a month.  This is the perfect gig for the narcissist. 

The first time I realized that there was a serious problem was a month after I moved in with my ex.  I remember constantly thinking to myself, "Did that really happen?"  I thought I was often losing my mind because he would say and do one thing and when I confronted him about it, he would tell me that I was mistaken.  I remember just sitting up at night recounting the events in my mind to see if maybe I really was mistaken. 

We were supposed to see my college roommate and her new husband for dinner one night shortly after I moved in with him.  I remember he started acting oddly and made such a fuss that I ended up going to see her without him.  As I was talking with my girlfriend, I remember telling her that I thought he was bipolar and that he just wasn't acting right.  What I didn't realize at the time was that this was a pattern of behavior that he would continue over and over... Anytime I had a special event or get together with one of my close friends, he would always act up.  My narcissist was trying to isolate me from everyone I was close to.  I just didn't realize what was going on. 

Later on in our marriage, he moved us far away from work under the pretenses that it was good for the kids... in hindsight I see that it was just another means to keep me further and further away from everyone.  After ten years of being with my narcissist, I realized that I had very few close friends left.  Many of my supposed friends, were so drained when dealing with the drama that came from my relationship with my narcissist, that they just faded away.   There were friends who called our house to talk to me, that were told by my ex that they were no longer welcome because they were interferring in our marriage.  I lost a lot of friends that way, but then again maybe they were not really my friends to begin with. 

The narcissist always appears so charming at first, which is why many of their victims can't fathom that what they are experiencing with this person is really happening.  We just don't see it coming.  How could we... we were too busy falling in love with Hyde, not Jekyll. 

When we finally get away from the narcissist, we are so hypersensitive to the fact that we may encounter another narcissist, that we become overly critical and overly paranoid.  It is the defensive mechanism we develop after the storm. 

I struggle with this every day in all my close relationships.  I know they are not my ex, but when they exhibit any type of behavior that closely resembles some of his actions, I tend to overreact.   My boyfriend is awesome.  He is genuinely a caring person and he has always made me feel that he would never go against me or willfully hurt me.  It is sad that I have to actually think about this, and it isn't just a normal expectation in any relationship for me.  Just one of the many scars left behind by my narcissist.  When we get into arguments, I definitely tend to overreact because I am just afraid of what might happen next... and yet I know he is not my ex.  Nothing bad ever happens, my boyfriend doesn't try to extract some sort of crazy revenge on me, and yet I tend to take action to arm myself as if I am still dealing with my ex. 

I am working on learning to have normal relationships again.  The drama is long gone, except for the drama I self-create!  When we deal with narcissists we should be ready for the worst.  After that relationship is over, it is difficult to imagine and be in a normal relationship.