Learning to Choose What I Want

In my 20s, I had opinions- however screwed up they were, they were my opinions... somehow in the midst of dealing with my narcissist, I lost my voice.  I gave up trying to explain my desires, wants, opinions... because it was just easier to sit their quietly.  It was too tiring to argue with him.

Since, I have fled from my narcissist, I have been trying to figure out what my likes and dislikes are in so many areas.  In a lot of ways I forgot what it really meant to get what I want... I am still working on getting out that little voice in my head that constantly tells me that I am not good enough, that my choices are horrible and that it just doesn't matter. 

I am in the midst of buying my own home... yeah!!!  Finally!!!!  When I was with my narcissist, every home was what he wanted.  They were all fixer uppers--- because he had convinced himself that he was a master at everything- plumbing, tiling, carpentry... except all of his work was less than par.  This made me dread going home... to see the tile work not lined up evenly, to see the plumbing done not to code, to see paint splattered in odd places like the ceiling and the door frames.  Yet after a long time, I just gave up saying anything.  It was too tiring to argue with a person who thought he was the grand master and all so perfect.  Pointing out flaws in his work was just unacceptable in his kingdom of hell.  His argument to me was that I couldn't do any better so such the F*** up. 

So, now as I buy my new house... I am revelling in looking through endless decorating magazines, looking through houses for sale... and I am taking my time.  I want to make sure that I buy what I want and not what that little voice in my head tells me to buy.  I love dealing with the realtor by myself and telling him exactly what I want.  What a refreshing feeling to take my sweet time, figure out what I want, and to buy what I want. 

This exercise of figuring out what I want and getting what I want has been abundant in all aspects of my life... clothes, food, entertainment.  Not only has this improved my self esteem. but amazingly I have peeled away the sour look on my face that I used to carry and peeled away the layers of frumpiness.  To hear my friends tell me that I look like I peeled away ten years of my life inspires me to keep having fun and keep making my own decisions.  It has also taught me that I can make good decisions on my own without the Narcissist around... and that all the things he said were just nonsense.