Narcissistic Relationships - An Introduction

Dr. Drew does an excellent job in explaining narcissism in a few short sentences.

Stay Calm- Easier said than done

My lawyer is on my speed dial.... my narcissist can't behave himself and can't play by anyone else's rules but his own.  I made the mistake of letting this person get under my skin this weekend.  Kids were supposed to fly to see me at a "mutually agreed upon airport".  He has them flying into an airport four hours away.  He emails me the itinerary late friday afternoon for me to review and then proceeds to book them the early the next day- knowing full well I have not had the chance to check my emails.  UGHHHHHHH!!!!  Not only did I email this person a week before which airport was closest to me, but this is completely against the divorce decree.  I let him under my skin and when I found out, I let it ruin a good portion of my weekend.  And to add fuel to the fire, I engaged in wasted back and forth emails with this person... after calming down, I informed him that he needs to change the itinerary or I will be filing a contempt of court motion and requesting he pay lawyer fees and additional lodging and fuel fees. 

Why do I share this story?  I share it to show that a narcissist never stops... they love drama.  They love to provoke you by making drama.  When I showed him my anger and displeasure at what he did, he thrived on it and it is like feeding a ferocious animal... The more you feed their need for drama and chaos, the harder and nastier they keep coming back.  The best solution would have been to ignore the situation and let my lawyer handle it on Monday.  By starving the narcissist by not giving him the attention he so craves from me, I would have starved his ego and weakened his sense of empowerment. 

Trying to arguing with a delusional narcissist is futile.  They lack direction and do not operate in reality... once you get them started they will start spewing out garbage that doesn't even pertain to what the original argument was.  Mine starts to throw out all sorts of false allegations... he always seems to think... "well, what I did was okay, because whatever I "think" you did is way worse; therefore, I am completely in the right".... hello Mr. Delusional and your delusional logic. 

During the moments, when I don't let my emotions get the best of me and I just completely ignore him, I get the best results... I preserve my dignity, sanity, and sense of peace.  The narcissist hates to be ignored.  He will continue to try to escalate the situation and get under your skin.  When you ignore the narcissist, you are no longer their outlet... they have to find another outlet.  If they continue to escalate the situation, others will start seeing the lunacy.  My narcissist is only so good at hiding his true colors.  If I engage him, I am alone in dealing and experiencing the insanity.  If I don't engage him, he will start ranting and raving to anyone who will listen to him... eventually they will figure out that his stories, insinuations, and allegations are all delusions created by a fantastic narcissist. 

Learning to Vent--- the right way!

My ex would often lash out at me by making false allegations and by saying nasty, horrible lies to everyone we knew.  It was often very embarrassing.  When I used to live in a small town where you could not go out to eat, get groceries or go to the movies without running into someone you knew, I would often get nasty looks from his co-workers or friends.  My integrity and reputation were important to me and I would often dread going out in town.  Early on, I used to also think it was important to let everyone hear my side of the story... because I wanted to set the record straight... It took me a long time to realize that these people had already formulated their misguided opinions and that venting just gave them more ill-conversation to share with my ex.  The narcissist is a fantastic, professional liar.  He never had any remorse for the lies he spread--- he always felts he was justified that in this person's crazy reality- even though none of what he spewed out was true, it might as well be because the stories he spread "could" be true in crazy guy's world. 

When people would often ask me why I made the choices I did to get away from this person, I would share my story in great detail... Those who never experienced the narcissist to the extent that I did, never could quite grasp what I went through.  Some of the things I had experienced, were like a Lifetime Movie storyline.  It was rather just hard to fathom for the person fortunate enough to have never experienced the Narcissist.

I have three wonderful people in my life whom I can vent without judgment because they fully understand what I am going through.  It took me years to figure out that these are the only people I can truly share the horrors I have been through.  These women have all lived through similar situations... they understand that when my ex acts up that I start having panic attacks for fear of what he might do next.  They guide me through situations based on their experiences and help me to deal with this person.  Furthermore, they always reiterate to me without hesitation... "when he acts up again, call me".  How comforting to know that I have people in my life who want me to call them when he strikes again.  In an odd way, I am also comforted that these people understand that he will harass me again and that they are there for me to vent my frustrations, pains, and anger.

 Aside from finding these wonderful people, I learned the hard way that the best revenge with a narcissist, is no revenge.  This was such a hard lesson for me and I still struggle with it today.  I learned that fighting a narcissist is a never ending battle because they have an endless amount of energy and will go to lengths that you never dreamed of to hurt you.  I tried for years to keep pace with this crazy guy and would fail so miserably each time... The reason being- I had a conscious and I had limits. 

When I just ignored this person- magically, he did not have me as his personal punching bag anymore... I took that power away from him.  How empowering and liberating that was!  And would you believe, his craziness manifested in other ways... it came out in his work and personal relationships... Years later, some of the same people who once judged me, experienced the same lunatic behavior from him... they later told me they didn't understand why I moved thousands of miles years ago, but having dealt with him, they are starting to understand.  Some of his old friends from twenty years ago... are now just friends with me.  By staying calm, quiet and letting the situation play out... I am regaining my life, my sanity, and peace of mind. 

The narcissist needs an outlet... my advice... don't let the outlet be YOU.  Don't empower this crazy person and don't engage in wasted conversation about your situation with people just don't understand.  You will find the person in your life who understands and who wants to help you because they have been there.  And finally, let this person fall on his own sword... don't make it your mission to set things right.  You will lose so much of yourself in going down this path.  Life is too short... it really is... enjoy YOUR life and not the life the narcissist thinks you deserve.  Once you get your freedom from this person, don't let them weasel their way back. 

Sara Bareilles - King Of Anything

Why am I doing this????

I graduated from one of the most prestigious schools, got my bachelors and masters in engineering, had a promising career, and had wonderful, beautiful children.  By all accounts and appearances, it would have appeared for a long time that I had a great, picturesque life, but underneath it all, I was married to someone who was diagnosed as being narcissistic. 

My nightmare started almost immediately after I married this person who was Jekyl and Hyde.  I want to share my experiences and to let you know what I had to sacrifice and do to get away from this person.  My journey still continues as I am still working to fully recover from experiencing this person in my life.  I don't think anyone ever really recovers from dealing with such a monster. 

There will be many people who will not understand what I have experienced and the choices I have made because they have never experienced the true Narcissist.  For those people, I say be grateful that you have never encountered such an experience.  For those of us who have experienced living with a narcissist, I want to tell you that I understand completely what you are or have gone through.  You are not alone and it is not YOU.  In this case, it really is this unrelentless, vile person who will torment you without boundaries.  There is no reasoning with someone who is narcissistic.  They have a view of life that is so far from reality that you end up shaking your head in disbelief and questioning if what you had experienced really did happen the way you remember it. 

My goal is to write about my experiences, share what I have learned, and hopefully help someone deal with and free themselves from their narcissist.  My secondary goal, is to let all so much I have held in for years and quietly suffered.  I do this as a means to continue to heal.