Reflecting Back

If someone were to tell me a year ago that I would be in the midst of building my dream house, I would have told them that they were crazy.  A year ago, I was in a quagmire, trying to get away from my narcissist and uncertain of how the future would turn out.  There were points in my life, where I felt like I would end up in the streets completely ruined.  I felt like this person would stop at nothing to destroy me. 

I slowly took back as many ways as I possibly could the ways in which he could hurt me.  In doing so, I made it ever so much more difficult for him to come after me.  I kept doing what I knew to be right.  Life is never quite perfect, but it sure is a lot easier when you are not with someone who works against you and tries to destroy your every happiness. 

I am so very fortunate that today I am happy to report that I have a great job, an awesome and understanding boss, a great boyfriend, and I am delightfully relishing every aspect of picking out the details of my new house. 

Sometimes we can't see that things will get better, but I tend to believe everything happens for a reason.  I often wish I never met my narcissist and didn't have it so hard for so many years of dealing with this person.  However, in hindsight, my life with my narcissist, has made me a better person.  It has taught me to cherish the people who are genuinely good and to run far away from those who have the personality traits of a narcissist.  It has taught me to enjoy the good fortunes I have had and to live my life to the fullest.  These lessons definitely came with a high price tag, and for that I will take care of them.  I can't say that I have any fond memories of my relationship with my narcissit, but I did learn lessons that I am quite fond of. 

Doing things on my term

Unfortunately I still have to deal with my narcissist on my regular basis for the kids' sake.  However, I have learned to deal with this person on my terms.  I don't give into his insane baits of trying to lure me into his drama filled life.  I don't offer him that satisfaction.  Instead, I have learned the hard way to let him rant and rave and act like he is the king of everything. 

And when he thinks he has had his way, I find clever ways to deal with him- unbeknownst to him.  Taking the power of the narcissist away is both the best defense and offense.  I stopped trying to reason with this person a long time ago.  This is one time when the adage of "never give up" is just plain wrong.  Yes, by all means, give up trying to reason with the narcissist. 

Finding the way to deal with the narcissist or just plain, not dealing with him, has been such a better way of dealing with this person.  Remember the best revenge is to live the best life you can and not let this person interfere with your happiness.  Having fun, laughing, enjoying life- the best way to get even with a narcissist.

Some Guys Will Always be Bad Guys

I sat here tonight reflecting on not just my narcissist, but the other bad relationships I have been in.  Why did I have to go through so many horrible relationships to finally wake up and say I just don't deserve this.  When I was 22, I was engaged to a brilliant computer software engineer.  Charming and gave me so much attention when we first started dating.  I resisted falling for him at first, but when I finally did fall for him, all my troubles began.  We got engaged after just a few short months of dating.  This person lied, and they were so good at it.  When he was caught lying about the other two women he was dating, he told more fantastic lies.  My self esteem was crushed.  This led to a string of bad relationships in which I just told myself I didn't deserve any better. 

I recently got back in touch with this person and at first as usual he was quite charming.  He apologized for his behavior and I believed it.  I really wanted to believe that even the worst of the male species could be reformed.  I was wrong.  He again told more and more fantastic lies that didn't add up. 

A Narcissist never changes.  They cannot help themselves and yes I truly believe they are wired different from other people.  The biggest difference, is their lack of empathy.  Everything is about them and they say and do things that bolsters the only person that matters- themselves! 

I wonder how they keep their stories straight.  My last narcissist couldn't keep his story straight, but I think my first narcissist was a master at it because he literally is a genius.  Such a sad truth, but in dealing with my narcissist, I must always remember that they lack the ability to change, grow, and mature. 

Wanted Smart Successful Women for Extreme Abuse

I recently saw a You Tube video about a woman who rode on the hood of a mini van for a whopping 35 MILES!  The report was that she got into an altercation with her husband and she tried to stop him from driving off by getting on the hood of their mini van.  Well, he took her for the ride of her life and nearly killed her.  The police estimated that the wind chill was probably well below freezing and that at times he was going as fast as 100 mph.  They also noted that she was a smart, articulate women who was a paralegal.  They commented on how intelligent this woman was.  He on the other hand had past run-ins with the law for drug related incidences.

Why is it that these narcissistic men target smart, successful wome???  Time and time again I run across women who share similar stories as mine and we all have one thing in common- we are smart, successful, attractive women.  I began to wonder about this and the only conclusion that I can come to, is that they see as a challenge.  Because like all other aspects of life, they see their mate not as a partner, but as a reflection of who they want to be and who they want to be associated with.  I also think that these type of men are attracted by things that are hard to get or better yet, hard to find.  So, to them getting this type of person as a mate, says to the world that they are great... they see us as a trophy to be had.

Once they have us, they become jealous of us for the very reasons that they fall for us.  My ex was always so jealous of my successes at work.  He resorted to sabotaging my work.  There was one incidence when I had to go to Hawaii for several weeks for my work.  He got extremely jealous and even convinced himself that I was having an affair.  The week prior to my departure was pure hell.  He made all sorts of threats and even put a password on my computer so I could not retrieve a presentation that I had been working on for weeks.  He made me pay him $200 to take the password off.  I remember being so anxious to get on that plane to get away from him.  Once I got to Hawaii, he called me over 50 times a day for several days.  I refused to answer any of my calls.  After a few days I relented and took his calls.  He was convinced that I was having an affair... this coming from the person who used to always tell me that I am lucky to have him because no man would want to be with someone like me.

Why is it that when it comes to our professional lives, we make wise, intelligent choices?  But when it comes to love, we make the decision that makes the least sense? 

The other thing to note about these women that I have met, is that they have the most wonderful, out going personalities.  All of these women are kind, caring, and mature and yet for all of our intelligence, we end up with our worst nightmares. 

My girlfriend sat me down in her office one day and looked at me with a stern look.  She said in a frank manner, "it is time for a paradigm shift".  One of the best advice I have ever gotten and really taken to heart.  My current boyfriend, is just awesome and not because he is flashy, or tries to impress people, but because he is just the opposite.  He doesn't seek attention, always tells the truth no matter the consequences, and just genuinely wants the best for not only me, but also for us.  I had to rethink my entire thought pattern and to really think about what it was that I found to be important.  I dated a lot of different people for a while just to figure that out.  So many times I met people who presented well, but when more and more layers became revealed, their stories just didn't match up.  I did a 180 and walked away from those people.  Never again, will I try to make sense of things that just don't make sense.  If their story doesn't add up and my intuition says there is something wrong, I listen to my gut instinct. 

When I started dating my boyfriend, I think I was trying to find holes in his story... sometimes maybe a little too hard, just to be proven that I was overreacting time and time again.  Although my relationship is not far from perfect, the fact that I have always felt safe from harm has had a huge impact. 

Somethings are Just Not Acceptable Anymore

I've realized that having been through such a tramatic relationship with someone for so long, that I cannot tolerant certain things anymore.  One very important thing that makes me run from a relationship is someone who knowingly hurts me.   I just cannot tolerate it anymore- nor should I.  Why should I compromise being in a relationship where someone doesn't care to consider my feelings.  I foolishly did this for ten very long years.  I allowed it to happen.  So, if I allow it to continue to happen in my future relationships and refuse to learn and grow, I have no one to blame but myself. 

I refuse to be a victim again.